something I've realised is that all the love, anger, grief and sadness towards someone and for someone is just there because there is no way to express it to them. you can't tell them how you feel, you can't make them feel what you feel so the feelings build up over time inside you until it turns to anger and bitterness towards them. and you end up hating people you love the most. you start to blame them for not letting you love them and show them how much you care about them. it's like you try your best to prove to them that you are enough and what are doing is enough and none of it is ever enough for them. they still keep you so far away, that you can't reach them even if you want to. and before you know it, the anger rots through the surface and spreads all over and corrodes every inch of you till the only thing you CAN think about is them. you wake up, you think of them, you go to bed, you think of them, you are working, you think of them. then you try to keep yourself so busy that you become incapable of having a single moment alone with your thoughts because god forbid, if you do it might just cause your mind to explode. all the questions swarming through your brain like worms. and you can't talk to someone because you know what there are gonna say because this isn't ur first rodeo either. you have let yourself get infected by this illness way too many times. by now you would think you knew better. the truth is there is no way to deal with grief like a sane person as people expect you to. you cannot possibly be sane and grieve at the same time. you are bound to go crazy. and telling people to let go doesn't make things easier for them, it only makes things easier for you because you don't have to sit there and listen to them whine about their problems and feelings. if you actually cared about someone you would let them cry for as long as they wanted.

~ V