Two days later

Dear Brock,

I didn't go to your funeral

I didn't feel the need to.

I mean, what's the fucking point anymore.

For Christ sake I'm still writing these damn letters like I can't fücking let go of you.

Maybe that's because I can't...

Love Renee.
***

I toss the paper into a box along with the other letters that I had written, but never given to him and lay my head down on my pillow.

I don't know if I've ever been at my worst before, but if I haven't, I was definitely there now.

These past two days I haven't done anything but cry, eat very little, going to the bathroom and repeating the process.

It's not my fault. I can grief if I want to. And until you've had your light and joy taken away from you, then you can't tell me what I can and cannot do.

There was a knock at my door and I groaned as a signal to come in instead of getting up to answer it.

"Renee?" I heard a voice say and I recognized it as Dean.

I groan and he found his way to my bedroom.

"Hey." I heard him say as I buried my head into my pillow, "You aren't dressed?"

"I'm not going." I mumble to him and pull the sheets closer to me.

"Why not?" He asked me.

"Cause I can't see him like that Dean." I mumbled and I felt like being on the verge of tears again.

"You don't want to come show your support?" He asked me.

"No." I mumbled again.

He remained silent for a long time and I thought that he had left, but seconds later I felt a weight sinking down in my bed.

"What are you doing?" I mumble and take the covers off of my head to see him sitting there in a full suit.

"If your not going." He said while taking off his suit jacket, "Then I'm not going. I'm got gonna leave you here all by yourself. We could have our own little funeral here if you want."

"I don't wanna think about a funeral." I say to him, "Especially Brock's. That's just something I don't want to do, Dean."

"Or," he said to me softly, "You can sit here and you can cry for a little while, and I can order you Pizza and ice cream  and everything else you want to eat."

"I like option two." I mumbled while burring my head into my pillow and I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me closer to him.

"It's gonna be ok." He said while running his fingers through my hair and I cried harder.