Song: Saturn- Sleeping At Last

Decision

This is not how I imagined my wedding would be.

Ever since I was young, I've always imagined my future husband smiling down at me while I was walking down the aisle. Pero iba ngayon.

The one that I'm marrying today has a sullen expression on his face while he was watching me walk down the aisle-like he wasn't happy about this wedding at all. He looks forced and he's not even trying to hide it in front of our guests.

I don't know what hurts more.

Ngumiti sa akin ang mga magulang niya nang makita kaming papalapit na. I forced myself to smile back. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako napunta sa sitwasyon na ito ngayon.

Do I really want to do this? Or am I only doing this for my parents?

Am I going to be happy in this marriage? Or in the end... we'll both just quit?

Are we going to learn how to love each other? Or are we going to hate each other even more until we decide to end this all?

I don't know.

Nawala ang lahat ng iniisip ko nang mahigpit na hinawakan ni Mommy ang kamay ko. Napabaling ang tingin ko sakanya. There's a tear that's threatening to come out of her eye but she only chose to control it.

She knows how forced this wedding is. She probably knows what I'm feeling right now. Yet, she's one of those people who keeps on pushing us together.

"You're going to be alright, sweetie." She whispered.

I tried to smile at her despite how confused I was today.

"I hope so." I whispered at her back.

Ngumiti siya sa akin at tsaka pinabaling ako kay Daddy. He was already smiling genuinely at me. He and Benjamin's father are the ones who keeps on pushing for this wedding to happen.

And now that it's already happening, they're just the happiest. They've been wanting to merge our companies for so long. Hindi lang sila makahanap ng rason noon para mas tumibay pa ang samahan nila.

Kaya ito, ito ang naisip nilang pagkasunduan-force their children to marry someone they don't even love.

"I'm so proud of you, Kelsey." He said. Sinubukan kong ngumiti sakanya.

Pagkatapos naman noon ay nagmano ako sa mga magulang ni Benjamin. Ganoon rin naman ang ginawa niya. At nang matapos ay hinarap niya ako. He's looking at me seriously. Sa tingin ko, sa sobrang pagkaseryoso, mamaya ay mag-alab na siya sa galit.

Saglit niya akong tinitigan bago niya inilahad ang kamay sa akin. Tiningnan ko ito.

Do I really want to accept his hand? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with him? Am I really going to do this?

Lahat ng tanong na iyon ay hindi ko rin naman nasagot nang maalala ko kung bakit nga pala namin ginagawa ito. We're doing this for our parents. We're only doing this because our parents wants us to or more like forced us to.

Tinitigan ko si Benjamin pabalik. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. Para bang pinapahiwatig kung tatanggapin ko ba ang kamay niya o hindi. I sigh heavily before I finally decided.

Susubukan kong sumugal ngayon. Kung matalo man, wala na akong magagawa. After all, we both didn't want to do this in the first place. Kaya kung masaktan man ako sa huli, matatanggap ko iyon. I am marrying a man who doesn't love me. Kaya ano pa ba ang aasahan ko?

We can't just learn how to love each other out of nowhere. It will take time. Oh, and I bet that's going to happen. We hated each other to guts again.

We can't just learn how to love someone we used to hate.

I can't even explain our hatred towards each other. All I know is that I hated him. So much. And the same goes for him.

Nang tinanggap ko ang kamay niya ay agad rin naman niya akong iginiya patungo sa altar. I helped myself with my dress because I bet this man is ever going to help me. He doesn't care about the struggle that I'm feeling with this dress.

Why would my mom choose to buy a big wedding gown? She should've chosen a simpler one.

The priest smiled at us once we've reached him. I forced myself to smile back again.

Ilang beses ko na ba pinipilit na ngumiti pabalik sa mga tao ngayong araw? Maraming beses na ata. Inaayusan palang ako kanina, pinipilit ko na ang sarili ko na ngumiti pabalik, e.

Binitawan ko ang kamay ni Benjamin at tsaka seryosong tumingin sa harap ng altar. I smiled at the cross, this time it wasn't forced.

Ikaw na bahala sa akin, Lord. Whatever You want me to experience, I will take that as a lesson. Give me faith to trust on You more. Please guide me on this marriage.

"Today is the day, Kels." sabi ni Troy sa kabilang linya. Umirap ako.

Pati ba naman siya aasarin ako? Siya ba naman itong natatangi kong inaasahan na hindi ako susuportahan sa kasal ko ngayon.

"Pati ba naman ikaw aasarin ako?" tamad kong tinanong sakanya.

He chuckled. "I wasn't even saying anything! I just want to congratulate you."

"Ugh! Don't even try, Troy. You know how I hate to do this."

"You shouldn't have agreed."

"I can't. My parents will get mad."

Bago pa ako ayusan ay tumawag si Troy sa akin. He's having his vacation in Europe. As much as I want to invite him on my wedding day, I just can't. Wala ni isa sa mga kaibigan ko ang inimbita ko. Puro mga kamaganak nalang namin ang inimbita namin ngayon.

Troy is my best friend. Kahit hanggang college ay magkasama parin kami. Iisa lang rin ang kinuha naming kurso at sabay rin kaming grumaduate.

Marami kaming magkakaibigan pero kaming dalawa ang pinaka malapit sa isa't isa. I also have a girl best friend. Her name is Jeya.

But my relationship with Jeya is nothing compared to my relationship with Troy. We're inseparable.

Lahat ng problema ko ay alam niya. Noong araw na pinakiusapan ako ng mga magulang ko na magpakasal kay Benjamin ay si Troy ang una kong sinabihan. I even cried to him and he didn't leave my side until I stop from crying too much.

I don't know what I'll do without him.

"So, what now? Are you just going to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't even love?" he asks on the other line.

Napaisip ako ng dahil sa tanong niyang iyon. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit ba ako pumayag sa arrangement na ito.

I just find myself trying to prepare for this wedding. I did not feel even a glint of happiness when I was trying on some wedding dresses. Hindi katulad ng mga soon-to-be bride na mga kasama kong magsukat noon.

All of them seems happy that they're finally getting married. At ako, ito, ni katiting na saya ay hindi ko maramdaman.

"I just can't find a reason not to pursue this wedding, Troy." Sabi ko.

"Hindi pa ba sapat na rason 'yung hindi mo siya gusto? Kelsey, ever since we were teenagers, you were very vocal about your dream of marrying your one true love. Pero anong nangyayari ngayon? You are not pursuing your dream."

Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga. Pumikit ako at tsaka hinilot ang aking sentido.

"I don't know, Troy... I don't really know..."

"And why is that?" he asks, sounding really concerned.

"My... parents will get disappointed and-"

"But did your parents ever think about you when you got disappointed with them?"

"No..." I sighed defeated.

"Then it's okay if you won't go through this. Say that you're only thinking about your own happiness!" he chuckled.

Pinilit kong ngumiti. I know he's just trying to light up the mood. There's no way in hell I'm going to back out on this wedding.

Nandidito na. Aayusan na ako mamaya-maya. Kung gusto kong umatras, sana kanina ko pa ginawa.

"Hindi ko talaga alam, Troy..."

I heard him sighed. Alam kong nauubusan na rin siya ng pag-asang makukumbinsi niya pa akong umurong sa kasal na 'to.

"Fine! I swear if he hurts you, Kelsey... I will not hesitate to hurt him back for you."

Napangiti naman ako ng dahil sa sinabi niya. Ever since we were in high school, he's already this overprotective of me. Lagi niyang sinisigurado na walang gagalaw sa akin o di kaya magtangkang mambully sa akin.

Troy is always on the rescue whenever I'm in trouble. No wonder why he's my best friend.

"He won't do that." Sabi ko.

"Hindi natin alam, Kels. You should tell me right away if he's hurting you. Mas mabuting nang sigurado tayo."

I bit my lip. Oh, how I miss him and my friends. Ilang buwan ko na silang hindi nakikita. Simula kasi ng magkatrabaho kami, malimit nalang kami magkita. We are all so busy.

Ang madalas na nga lang na nagkikita ay kami ni Troy at Jeya. Tapos ngayon naman ay nasa Europe siya para magbakasyon.

"I wish you were here." I said.

"You know I'll only stop your wedding if I were there." He said jokingly. Natawa naman ako ng bahagya.

"I know. That's why I did not invite any of you today. Jeya already keeps on teasing me. I already had enough of her." I rolled my eyes.

Troy chuckled on the other line. "Will you even have your personal vows?"

"No. We both requested not to include it. Wala rin naman kaming maipapangako sa isa't isa."

"Good. I can't imagine you creating your own vows for someone you don't even love. Kung mahal mo siguro iyan, baka isang libro na ang nagawa mo. I don't even know what you'll say in case na isama niyo parin ang part na iyon sa kasal."

Ngumuso ako. Ngayon palang wala na akong maisip na sasabihin sakanya. What should I say though? Thank you for agreeing to this? Kung hindi ka pumayag, baka wala nang napagkasunduan ang mga magulang natin?

Oh, goodness. It sounds really pathetic. Thank god we've excluded the personal vows part on our wedding.

But the worst thing is, I still have to say I do.

So much cruelty for one day...

Nakita ko namang pumasok na ang mga mag-aayos sa akin. Ngumiti sila sa akin.

"I have to hang up now, Troy. I'll call you soon."

"Oh, okay. Good luck on your wedding. Don't cry so hard." Umirap ako. I mocked at him. "I miss you, Kels. I'll see you when I get back."

"I miss you, too. Send my regards to your parents. Tell them that I miss them, too."

"I will. Best wishes nga daw pala." Pang-aasar niya ulit.

Oh diba? Pati siya, inaasar na ako ngayon!

"Marriage is a joyous occasion. It is connected in our thoughts with the charm of love, the warmth of hope, and with all that is pleasant, as being one of the most important events of our lives. Its sacredness and unity is the most significant and binding covenant known in human relations," the priest started.

"Benjamin and Kelsey, let me charge you both to remember that your future happiness is to be in mutual consideration, patience, kindness, confidence and affection. It is duty of each of you to find your greatest joy in the company of the other; to remember that your love pledged today must remain undivided for a lifetime."

Gusto kong matawa matapos sabihin ng pari iyon. Napaisip kasi ako kung paano namin gagawin 'yun kung parehas naman namin na hindi ginusto 'to? How are we going to remember that the love we pledge today will remain for a lifetime if we don't even love each other?

Ngayon palang imposible na magwowork itong relasyon na 'to.

"Benjamin, it is your duty to be a considerate, tender, faithful, and loving husband to Kelsey. To support, guide and cherish her in prosperity and trouble; to thoughtfully and carefully enlarge the place she holds in your life; to constantly show her the tokens of your affection, to shelter her from danger and to love her with an unchangeable love."

Wala sa sarili kong napalingon kay Benjamin. Nakita ko namang kinukuyom niya ang kanyang kamao at tsaka seryoso niyang binalingan ng tingin ang pari. His jaw clenched. Nang lumingon siya sa akin ay mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin.

I wonder what he's thinking right now. He must be so mad at the world.

"Kelsey, it is your duty to be a considerate, tender, faithful, and loving wife to Benjamin. To comfort, guide and cherish him in prosperity and trouble; to give him the unfailing evidences of your affection; to continue making the place he holds in your heart, broader and deeper; to support him, value him and work with him to make your marriage the very best it can be."

I closed my eyes and tried to nod. I felt a tear stream down my face. This is hard for me to do. But I promise I'll try. We are making this promise in front of God and I just can let Him down. He put me in this position because He has a plan for me.

"I call your attention to the seriousness of the decision which you have made and the covenant you are about to declare before God. The vows you are about to take are not to be taken without careful thought, for in them you are committing yourselves exclusively to one another for as long as you both shall live."

I breathed hard and tried to stop the tears. Ramdam kong napalingon sa akin si Benjamin pero hindi ko siya pinansin.

The priest instructed us to face each other. Naunang gawin ni Benjamin iyon. Pinakalma ko muna ang sarili ko bago ako tuluyang humarap sakanya.

This is it. I am now making a promise to someone I don't love. At ito na rin ang hudyat na hindi na ako pwedeng umatras.

"If you're having a second thoughts, you can go. I'm sure they'll understand." Benjamin whispered. Tiningnan ko siya. Seryoso lang siyang nakatingin sa akin.

"No..." I said. "I'll do this."

Tumango ako sa pari upang iparating sakanya na maaari na niyang ituloy ang sasabihin niya.

"Before you declare your vows to one another, I want to hear you confirm that it is indeed your intention to be married today. Benjamin, do you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to Kelsey in marriage? If so, answer I do."

Matagal akong tinitigan ni Benjamin bago niya inilapit ang kanyang bibig sa mic.

"I do," he answered without breaking his gaze at me.

If he wants to get angry with me now, he may do so. Alam kong napipilitan lang siya at wala siyang ibang choice kung hindi ang pumayag. Kaya kung gusto niyang ilabas sa akin ang galit niya, tatanggapin ko.

"Kelsey, do you come here freely without reservation to give yourself to Benjamin in marriage? If so, answer I do."

Lumunok ako bago ko inilapit ang bibig sa mic. Pinantayan ko ang tingin na ibinibigay sa akin ni Benjamin.

"I do."

Kahit na galit ako, hindi ko pipiliing ilabas sakanya ang galit ko. Pipilitin kong isantabi ang galit dahil sa pangakong ginawa namin sa harap ng Panginoon.

"If you are ready to assume the obligations and duties before God, as I have defined them, you will unite your hands and pledge your love and your lives to each other... Groom, repeat after me."

Oh, and I forgot. We have no personal vows but our parents pushed us to include the part where we'll say the traditional vows to each other. Wala nga kaming maipapangako na galing sa puso namin, pero mapipilitan naman kaming ipangako 'to sa isa't isa.

"I, Benjamin Antonio Donovan, take you, Kelsey Alena Sanchez, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow."

"Now Bride, please repeat after me." ani ng Pari.

"I, Kelsey Alena Sanchez, take you, Benjamin Antonio Donovan, to be my husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow."

Napaiwas nalang ako ng tingin kay Benjamin at napabitaw sa kanyang kamay nang sabihin ko iyon. Ni hindi ko magawang hawakan siya ng mahigpit habang sinasabi ko ito. Hindi na siya nagulat pa sa ginawa ko.

"You will now exchange rings as a symbol of the lifelong commitment and abiding love which you as husband and wife have promised to each other. Groom, please place the ring on Kelsey's finger, and repeat after me."

Kinuha muli ni Benjamin ang kamay ko. My hands are trembling from feeling so many emotions but he doesn't seem to mind it. I clenched my jaw.

He must be so mad right now.

"I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness." He said then he went to look straight into my eyes again.

Anger is very evident. I can clearly see that.

"And Bride, please place the ring on Benjamin's finger and repeat after me." Kinuha ko naman ang kamay ni Benjamin. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sakanya.

"I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness." Pumikit ako at tsaka dahan-dahang ibinaba ang kamay niya.

After the closing prayer, that's where I lost it. I closed my eyes and silently cried to myself. This may not be the wedding I imagined ever since I was a teenager, but I am still thankful that I get to experience a wedding-even though I did not marry the person that I love.

"Benjamin and Kelsey, having witnessed your vows for marriage before God and all who are assembled here, by the authority invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride!"

Huminga ako ng malalim. Mariin kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit sa akin ni Benjamin at tsaka ang unti-unti niyang pag-angat ng belo na suot ko. I opened my eyes to bravely look at my husband.

"This is the only time I'll do this... I'm sorry." Benjamin whispered. Tumango naman ako.

"I understand... and I'm sorry, too." I whispered back. Tumango rin naman siya.

Lumapit siya ng tuluyan sa akin. He pressed his body on mine and I closed my eyes. He slowly grabs my jaw waist as he gently pressed his lips on mine. That was only a brief kiss but everyone we invited screamed with so much happiness for us.

When the kiss ended, Benjamin immediately broke his gaze with mine. Humarap siya sa mga bisita at sinubukang ngumiti. Ganoon rin ang ginawa ko. I smiled at my parents.

My mother bowed her head a little at me. Tipid siyang ngumiti. Habang si Daddy naman ay hindi matigil sa pagpalakpak. Malaki ang ngiti na ibinibigay niya para sa akin.

"It is my pleasure to introduce to you for the first time... Mr. and Mrs. Donovan!"

Pinilit kong ngumiti nang marinig ko ang bago kong apelyido ngayon. I am a Donovan now. And there is no turning back.

I, Kelsey Alena Sanchez-Donovan, got married today. And I hope I will not regret this decision in the next years of my life.