Song: Mess We've Made- AJ Rafael & Tori Kelly

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Hindi ko magawang isara ang bibig ko nang dahil sa gulat. He wants an annulment? Pero bakit? Ayos naman kami ah? Wala naman kaming problema kaya... bakit?

I immediately felt the tears started to stream down my face. Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga. Ni hindi ko magawang alisin ang mga mata ko sa papel na hawak. My hands started to shaking just by looking at it.

I don't know when or how he filed this. I really have no idea.

I should've known. Alam ko nang matagal na niyang pinaplano 'to. Nung mga oras na hindi pa kami nagkakaayos, alam ko nang may plano siyang magpaannul. Kaya bakit pa nga ba ako nagulat?

I wanted to hurt myself so bad. I should've expected it. I shouldn't have let myself fall in love with him more. Siguro, naisip niya na kapag hulog na hulog na ako sakanya, handa kong isakripisyo ang lahat para sakanya.

Akala ko maayos na kami. Akala ko matutupad na ang hinihiliing ko noon pa man. Pero pagkatapos pala ng lahat ng kasiyahan, may lungkot na kapalit. Dahil sa huli, hihiwalan niya rin pala ako.

Nawala lang ang lahat ng iniisip ko nang marinig kong tinawag ni Benjamin ang pangalan ko.

"Did you get the papers, Kelsey?"

Mabilis kong pinalis ang mga luha ko sa mata. Doon ko nalang ulit napagtanto na hindi ko pa pala nakukuha iyong pinapahanap niya sa akin. I went to the other side of his table. May isa pang drawer doon.

Sa unang bukas ko palang ay nakita ko na agad ang folder na tinutukoy niya. Imagine, kung hindi ko pala binuksan ang naunang drawer, hindi ko malalaman na may tinatago palang annulment papers si Benjamin sa akin.

"Y-Yes!" I shouted back.

Tumayo ako dala ang annulment papers at iyong pinapakuha niyang folder sa akin. Bago naman ako bumaba ay dumiretso ako sa kwarto ko upang doon itago ang annulment papers na natuklasan ko. Siguro, ngayon hindi ko muna ipapaalam kay Benjamin na alam ko ang tungkol doon.

Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip niya para magfile ng annulment. Marami parin pala siyang bagay na tinatago sa akin. I thought we're finally open with each other after all the things that we've been through. Hindi parin pala.

Nang bumaba ako ay umakto akong ayos lang ang lahat. I saw him grab a cup of coffee from the kitchen counter. Nang makita ako ay agad siyang nagtungo sa akin.

"Thank you," he said. He was about to press a kiss on the side of my head nang iniwasan ko siya.

Parang biglang nag-iba ang tingin ko sakanya. Did he purposely made me fall for him more so I can easily give him what he wants? Dahil ba alam niya na handa kong ibigay ang lahat ng bagay na magpapasaya sakanya?

If that's the case... and if he's happy that he'll be annulled with me, then maybe... I could give him that.

I couldn't decide properly in times like this. I just recovered from the pain that my parents' death caused me, tapos biglang ganito? Bawal na ba akong maging masaya?

Masyado na ba akong naging matatag para sirain ng ganito? Ganoon ba? Lahat nalang ba may kapalit?

Ramdam kong sinundan niya ako ng tingin. Lumakad ako patungo sa lamesa at tsaka doon inilapag iyong ipinapakuha niya sa akin.

Pumwesto ako sa tapat ng pwesto niya at tsaka sinubukang ipagpatuloy ang trabaho. Hindi ko siya pinansin. I don't think I'll have the guts to talk to him after what I've found out.

Habang gumagawa ng trabaho ay ramdam ko ang paninitig niya sa akin. He'll do work once in a while pero ang madalas, lagi lang siyang nakatitig sa akin. Tila ba tinatansya ako.

"Are you okay?" Benjamin asked. Inangat ko ang tingin sakanya at tumango.

"Yeah..." I tried to smile at him. "Of course."

Pagkatapos noon ay pinagpatuloy ko ang trabaho na para bang walang nangyari. When it's already time for bed, I decided to talk to Benjamin.

"Uhm... I'm going back to my room. Doon muna ako matutulog ulit."

Mabilis niyang ibinaling ang tingin sa akin. His forehead creased and there's a questioning look on his face.

"Why? Is there a problem?"

Mabilis akong umiling.

"No." I said. "It's just... I need... time. For myself."

His mouth immediately parted. Hindi parin nawawala iyong pagkakakunot ng noo niya, halatang nagugulohan parin sa nangyayari. How do I tell him about the papers huh? Kung sana malakas lang ang loob ko, kanina ko pa siya kinompronta tungkol doon.

Pero hindi, e. I'm born with a weak heart. That's why this is difficult for me to do. The only thing that's easy for me to do is to pretend. Pretend that everything's fine even though it isn't.

"Kelsey, is there something wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong, Benj. May naalala lang ako..."

"Your parents?"

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa aking mga paa. I bit my lip. And I hate to do this. I hate that I have to use them just to cover up my problem.

"Y-Yeah..." I whispered. Pumikit ako.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Agad akong umiling. "I'm fine. I just need some time... Don't worry, I'm fine."

Inangat kong muli ang tingin sakanya. Nakita kong pinasadahan niya ng kamay ang kanyang buhok. Dinilaan niya ang pang-ibabang labi tila ba nag-iisip ng dapat sabihin.

But in the end, he gave in. He allowed me to sleep in my room again.

Habang nasa kwarto ay magdamag ko lang tinititigan ang annulment papers. I still couldn't believe it. Kailan niya balak sabihin sa akin 'to? How long will he keep this from me?

Tiningnan ko isa-isa ang mga papel. Benjamin's name is already written on the paper. Pero ang ibang information ay hindi pa nasusulatan. May plano pa ba siyang ituloy 'to?

Hinilot ko ang sentido ko. I'm so, so confused. I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what to fucking feel.

Sinabunutan ko ang sarili. Bakit ba ang tanga tanga mo, Kelsey? Sinisira ka ng pag-ibig, e. Wala nang magandang naidudulot sa'yo 'to. Sisirain ka lang nito kung ipagpapatuloy mo.

Nang hindi na nakayanan ang emosyon ay hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili na umiyak. I ended up crying so hard that night and when I wake up in the morning, I knew I was incapable of going to work.

Pagkababa ko ay nakita ko si Benjamin na naghahanda ng umagahan. He's surprised to see me not wearing my office clothes.

"Aren't you going to work today? Akala ko... pupunta tayo sa site ngayon?"

Dumiretso ako sa mga cabinet upang kumuha ng isang tasa doon. Sinalinan ko ang sarili ng kape. I took a sip from it before I decided to answer his question.

"I'm not feeling well. I don't think I can go to work."

His eyes widened a little at that. Pinatay niya ang kalan at tsaka nagtungo sa akin. He pressed his hand against my forehead to check for my temperature. Inalis ko ang kamay niya.

"Wala kang lag-"

"I know. Masakit ang ulo ko at hindi ko kayang pumasok."

Tinitigan niya ako. 'Yan na naman siya sa pananantsa niya. I don't even think that I could last long while staring at him. Iniwas ko ang tingin sakanya.

"Kumain nalang tayo. Gusto ko rin magpahinga. Marami kasi akong ginawang trabaho nitong nakaraan. Masyado siguro akong napagod."

I sit at my usual spot at hinintay rin siyang maupo na sa hapag.

Hinayaan ko siyang hainan ako ng pagkain. Nang matapos ay tahimik akong nagsimulang kumain. He didn't mind the silence, though. He probably thinks that this way, I'll get more comfortable.

"Do you want me to buy you something before I get home?" tanong niya. I shake my head.

"I'm okay. I don't need anything."

Tumango siya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. I offered to clean up the table para makaalis na siya patungo ng trabaho. I know he's going to be busy today since he's also going to visit the site to check the construction for the hotel.

Hinayaan ko siyang halikan ako sa pisngi habang naghuhugas ako ng pinggan.

"Bye. I'll be back later. I love you."

Napalunok ako. Tinitigan ko muna siya ng sandali.

Talaga bang mahal mo ako, Benjamin? O sinasabi mo lang 'yan dahil may kailangan ka sa akin?

Pinilit kong ngumiti sakanya. "Bye. I love you, too."

He caressed my cheeks first. After that, he left the house to go to work.

I called Jona to ask her to just send everything on my e-mail. Para naman may pinagkaabalahan ako kahit papano.mNgunit habang ginagawa ang trabaho, pilit na bumabagabag sa loob ko ang mga annulment papers na nakita ko kagabi.

I played with my pen while I think about something. Kung... pipirmahan ko ba ang annulment papers, magiging masaya kaya siya?

Did he file that so he'll be finally free from me? Nasasakal ba siya sa akin? Ayaw niya ba?

Nang hindi makayanan ang lahat ng iniisip ay sinearch ko ang grounds for annulment. Wala ni isa dito ay pasok sa sitwasyon namin ni Benjamin.

Paano niya balak makamit ang inaasam niyang annulment? Did he use the excuse that we only married each other because of business? Did he say that we both didn't want this kaya ba siya pinayagan magfile ng petition?

O baka naman plano niyang sirain ako ulit, so he can use the excuse that one of us is psychologically unstable. Baka sa ganoong paraan, payagan kami.

Hindi niya pa sinasabi sa akin, wasak na ako. I gave him everything. I gave him all of me. Binigay ko sakanya iyong pagmamahal na tinira ko para sa sarili ko. Kaya ngayon, ano nalang ang natitira sa akin?

Sa huli, napag-isipan ko na humanap ng abogado na makakasagot sa mga tanong ko. I asked for a consultation.

"Wait... Mrs. Donovan. Medyo magulo ang sitwasyon ninyo. How is he able to file for a petition without your consent? I don't think anyone would allow it or withhold the case."

"I also don't know, Attorney. Maybe he paid a lot just to file for this?" Tiningnan ko ang papel na hawak.

Siguro nga tama ako. Handa naman siya gumastos kahit magkano basta makuha niya lang ang gusto. It is not surprising anymore that maybe... he really did pay a lot so he can file this petition without me knowing.

"Anyways, can we still go through this? I mean, mapprocess parin po ba ito sa korte?"

"It's up to the petitioner if he'll go through it." he answered. I sighed.

"But I can still sign it, right?"

"Hmm..." medyo nangapa siya ng sasabihin. "As long as napag-usapan niyo na at napagkasunduan niyo nang ituloy ang annulment, then... you probably can."

I nod my head. Tiningnan kong muli ang papel na hawak at pinagisipang mabuti ang binabalak na gawing desisyon.

Bakit hindi niya magawang sabihin sa akin? Naghihintay ba siya ng tamang oras?

Did he file an annulment because he wants to free himself from this marriage? Pero akala ko ba... hindi niya naman pinagsisisihan 'to? Kaya bakit may ganitong kaso?

Lahat ng tanong na iyon ay hindi ko naman magawang sagutin. Benjamin is still a mystery that I'm still trying to solve.

Minsan hindi ko makuha ang lahat ng iniisip niya. Minsan magugulat nalang ako sa mga ginagawa niya. He's like a book that is hard to read.

But if he really wants to free himself from me then... I'll gladly let him do that. I'll give him what he wants just as long as it would make him happy.

Ganoon naman pag nagmamahal diba? Gagawin mo ang lahat para sa taong iyon kahit ba masasaktan ka.

I tried to stop myself from getting too emotional. Ang hirap kapag hindi niyo kayang basahin ang isa't isa. Dahil may oras na ayos kayo, pero sa susunod hindi.

Ang gulo.

At kung mas gugulo pa 'to nang dahil dito, mas magiging toxic. Our marriage has been toxic from the beginning. If Benjamin wants to free himself from those kind of situation, then I want myself free from it, too.

We're both toxic for each other. Nakakapagod ring isipin na ayos naman kayo tapos biglang hindi.

I signed the papers in front of Atty. Santos after weeks of deciding. He raised his gaze at me and said, "I hope you won't regret your decision."

I tried to smile despite the pain that I'm feeling. "Of course, I won't."

After that, I got home with no idea what to do. I look at the picture that Benjamin and I hang up recently on the wall. Wala sa sarili akong naluha habang tinitingnan ang litrato namin.

Bakit panandaliang saya lang ang naramdaman ko kasama si Benjamin? Don't we deserve a happiness that's longer than this? Lagi nalang bang may tanong sa pagitan ng relasyon namin?

I know it was wrong that I didn't ask him about it. Pero ganon rin naman kasi, e. Masasaktan parin ako kapag nalaman ko kung bakit niya nagawa 'yun. It's either he's tired or he really didn't want this marriage.

Maybe he wanted me to fall for him more. Unti-unti niyang hinuhulog ang loob ko sakanya para sa huli ipapakita niya sa akin ang annulment papers at ipapamukha sa akin na ayaw niya parin nito. Gagawin niya iyon para saktan ako ng husto. Para makabawi.

Siguro iyon na ang matagal na niyang plano. He's planning to get even with me. He's planning to make me feel the pain that this marriage have caused him.

Umakto ako nang parang walang nangyari nang umuwi si Benjamin galing sa trabaho.

"Di mo ko sinabihan na uuwi ka na." Benjamin said in a slightly disappointed tone.

He walked closer to me to kiss the top of my head. I closed my eyes for a while. It hurts to know that this has come to an end.mI'll leave and I'll let him know that I already signed the papers that he filed.

"Sorry. May inasikaso lang ako kaya hindi ko narin nasabi."

Benjamin nods his head. He rests his hand on the counter top at tsaka tiningnan rin ang niluluto ko. He smiled a little at me when I turn to see what he's doing.

"I feel like there's something really wrong, Kels. Tell me. What's bothering you?"

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. How is he able to notice that though? Am I that obvious? Wala kasi akong talent sa pag-acting, e.

I tried to smile. Inilubay ko ang tingin sakanya at mas itinuon sa nilulutong ulam.

I scoff a little. "Nothing's wrong, Benj. Everything's fine. What makes you think that?"

"It's because you've been really quiet for quite some time now. Are you hiding something?"

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Are you hiding something?"

Siya naman ang tumawa ngayon. He's laughing like I'm being impossibe. Bakas sa mukha niya ang walang bahid ng pagmamaangmaangan.

"What makes you think that? Of course not. I'm not hiding anything away from you, Kels."

I licked my lower lip and tried to smile even though it was hard. I nod my head.

"Okay... It's good to know that."

And he lied... So, hanggang ngayon balak niya parin itago kahit na ipinamukha ko na sakanya na mayroon siyang tinatago sa akin.

Mabuti sana kung maliit na bagay lang 'yun, e. Pero hindi! That involves our relationship!

Tahimik kaming kumain ni Benjamin. Gaya ng nakasanayan, siya ang nag-ligpit ng pinagkainan namin. Nang matapos siya ay inaya na niya akong magpunta sa kwarto. I obidiently followed him.

It's already Benjamin's routine at night to shower before going to sleep. Hindi niya na rin ugali pang mag-lock ng pinto dahil ako naman ang kasama niya at hindi ibang tao.

I sat quietly on the bed as I listen to the droplets of water dripping down the bathroom floor.

This may be the last night I'll be with Benjamin. I already informed the people at my parents' house that I'll be staying there for a while habang hindi ko pa naayos ang papeles ko paalis ng bansa.

I stood up and went straight to the bathroom without him knowing. The bathroom is very big at hindi na kapansin-pansin pa kung may pumasok.

I saw him with his head down while he's letting the water fall on his head.

This is the last night I'll be with him so I'm going to make the best out of it. Kahit ngayon lang... Kahit hanggang dito nalang... basta gusto ko lang makasama siya. Kahit saglit...

Kasi pagkatapos nito, matatapos na rin kami. Iiwan ko siya at makukuha na niya ang gusto niya. Pagbibigyan ko lang ang sarili ko bago pa ako tuluyang sirain ng relasyon na 'to.

I stripped off my clothes and opened the shower door. Agad na napalingon si Benjamin nang dahil doon. He was surprised to see me.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Joining you." I said, stating the obvious.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Is there something that's bothering you, Kels? Please tell me."

I chuckled a little to lighten up his mood. Mukhang alalang-alala kasi, e. I hugged him from behind and pressed my nose against his back. We let the water fall on our naked bodies.

"I just hope you're not really hiding anything from me," my voice came out as a whisper. Bahagya akong nilingon ni Benjamin.

"I'm not hiding anything away from you." He answered like he's so sure of that.

Pumikit ako. I breathed hard and kissed his shoulder.

"Okay..."

"I miss you." He said all of a sudden. Nawala ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya dahil humarap siya sa akin.

I look at him in the eye. All I can see is longing and sincerity. My jaw clenched. Looks can be deceiving. Napaiwas ako ng tingin.

"I feel like you've been apart from me for a long time," he cupped my face to raise my gaze back at him again. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa labi ko.

"And I love you..." he added. "So much."

And my heart pained while hearing those words. A tear immediately streamed down my face. Napansin naman iyon ni Benjamin kaya nag-aalala niya akong tiningnan.

I smiled reassuringly at him. I grab his face, too. "I love you, too, Benjamin... I love you."

Inilapit niya ang mukha sa akin at agad akong hinalikan ng malalim. He gave me a long kiss that will definitely make me treasure this moment with him.

When we parted, he pressed his forehead against mine. He breathed hard before he spilled something.

"Marry me again."

My mouth parted with that. Napapikit ako at mas hinayaang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago ko muling iminulat ang mga mata ko at tsaka siya tiningnan.

"There's still some other time for that, Benj..." I smiled at him. "Not now..."

"Why?"

Umiling ako. "Not now... W-We need to focus more on ourselves. Our goals. Tsaka, hindi pa ba sapat sa'yo 'to? Kasal na naman tayo, e. Ganoon rin naman ang mangyayari kung sakaling pakasalan mo ako ulit."

"But it will definitely be different from the first wedding we had. Gusto kong makasal sa'yo ng totoo ngayon."

Ngumiti nalang ako sakanya at hindi pinaunlakan ang kanyang hinihiling.

Sinabi ko naman sakanya kinabukasan na hindi ako papasok sa trabaho dahil makikipagkita ako kay Jeya. I asked her to come over to help me with something. She still has no idea what's happening. Mamaya ko nalang siguro sakanya sabihin.

Benjamin nods his head at tsaka inubos na ang kapeng iniinom.

"Okay, then. Just call me when you need anything."

I smiled a little and nod my head. Hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi bago siya tuluyang lumabas ng bahay upang magtungo na ng trabaho. Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga at tsaka pumikit. Itinuko ko ang aking siko sa counter top at tsaka sinapo ang noo.

I just hope you're doing the right decision, Kelsey.

Nang dumating si Jeya sa bahay ay nagugulohan niya akong tiningnan.

"What am I doing here again, Kels?" she asked.

"Help me pack my things."

Agad na kumunot ang noo niya nang dahil doon. Ngumuso siya at tinaasan ako ng kilay.

"You're leaving? Where are you going?"

Walang bahid ng panghihinala ang mukha niya. She's obviously clueless about the situation. Tiningnan ko ang aking mga damit at bahagyang tumawa.

"Away." I said.

"Away?!" medyo nagugulohan niyang tinanong. "Why are you going away? Hindi ba't... ayos naman kayo?"

"'Yun nga ang akala ko, e."

I raised my gaze at her. I smiled sadly. Her mouth parted and she gave me a questioning look.

"H-Huh? I don't get it. Spill it now, Kels. You're making me nervous."

Natahimik ako ng sandali. I let out an exaggerated sigh before I tell her what's happening.

"Benjamin filed an annulment."

Jeya's eyes widened. Bumuka ang bibig niya at hindi makapaniwala akong tiningnan. "He what?!"

"H-Hindi ko alam kung kailan niya pa finile 'yun. I just saw it inside his drawer when he asked me to get something inside his office."

"Oh my god. Alam niya bang alam mo na?"

Sinubukan kong ngumiti. "Hindi."

"Did you... sign it?"

"Yeah."

Her mouth parted again. "Teka. Baka naman nagkamali ka lang. Hindi talaga 'yun ano..."

"Jeys, I read it. I even asked a lawyer about it. At tsaka... kahit naman sabihin ko, ganon parin. Masasaktan parin ako. Kaya mas mabuti nalang na umalis. I need to rest myself from him."

"Paanong ganon parin? I don't get it, Kels."

"Hindi naman siguro siya magfafile ng petition for annulment kung hindi siya napapagod o nagsasawa diba? At tsaka, pinilit niya na rin naman akong sumuko noon. Siguro para makuha niya 'tong annulment na gusto niya. Pero kasi hindi ako sumuko, e. Kaya ayun... di natuloy 'yung plano niya. Maybe he's just looking for the right time to tell me about it. Inunahan ko lang siya."

I saw Jeya bite her lower lip. Ngumiti ako at nagpatuloy sa pag-aayos ng gamit.

"Dapat... pinagusapan niyo muna bago ka... nagdesisyon ng ganito?"

"Sinubukan ko naman, e. I asked him last night if he's hiding anything from me. And he lied. Siguro... sapat na dahilan na 'yun diba?"

Jeya sighed heavily. "Are you tired of him, Kels?"

Napaangat ako muli ng tingin sakanya.

"He's making me want to."

Natigil si Jeya sa pagtulong sa akin sa pag-aayos. Naramdaman kong nakatitig lang siya sa akin at hindi umiimik. I raise my gaze at her and smiled again.

"He asked me to marry him again last night, though." I spilled.

Jeya's jaw dropped. She looks at me apologetically.

"Kels..." alu niya. "Baka talaga nagkakamali ka lang. Malay mo... hindi niya naman talaga ginusto 'yon? Tingnan mo, hindi ka naman niya siguro tatangunin na pakasalan siya ulit kung ayaw na niya diba?"

"Jeya..." I called. "Inaya niya man ako o hindi. The annulment papers... made me change the way I look at him."

Inabot na kami ng gabi para lang sa pag-aayos ng gamit ko. Medyo marami kasi akong gamit, e. In the middle of packing my things, Jeya keeps on convincing me not to go. Sabi niya madadaan pa naman daw sa maayos na usapan ang lahat.

But I already made up my mind. I'm willing to leave. Especially when I already signed the papers.

Nang marinig namin ang pagpasok ng kotse sa bahay ay nagmamadali kami ni Jeya na iligpit at itago ang lahat ng maleta.

"Hala, Kels. Paano 'yan? Nandyan na siya! Paano kung makita niya 'to?"

"Uh... ako na bahala. Itatago ko na muna 'to. Sabihin mo nalang na tulog na ako at kakahatid mo lang sa akin."

Ngumuso siya sa akin. "You're making me lie and I hate it."

"I'm sorry, Jeys. I just need to do this."

Bumagsak ang balikat niya at napilitang tumango. She let out a deep sigh.

"Fine. You have to thank me for this."

Tumawa ako at niyakap siya. "I'm going to miss you, Jeya. Ikaw na bahala magsabi kay Troy ha? Di ko kasi alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sakanya..."

Ngumuso siyang muli pero sa huli ay tumango nalang. Nagpaalam na siya at tsaka lumabas na ng kwarto upang gawin na iyong inuutos ko. I tried to hide my luggage away as quickly as possible.

Nang maramdaman ko ang yabag ng mga paa ni Benjamin paakyat ay nagmamadali akong humiga sa kama at nagkunwaring natutulog. Naramdaman ko ang pagbukas niya ng pinto ng kwarto ko.

"Tsk. You should've slept inside our room."

Kahit nakapikit ay hindi ko naiwasang mapakunot ang noo. Thank god my back is facing him. Kung hindi, mapapansin niyang gising pa ako.

Did he notice that I'm still awake that's why he's talking like this?

Lumapit siya sa kama at mas inaayos ang kumot na nakabalot sa katawan ko. He used his hand to brush my hair. I clenched my jaw to stop myself.

"Good night, Kels." He whispered.

I felt him lean down a little to press a kiss on my head. He brushed my hair for the last time before he went out of my room.

It will be hard to leave you, Benjamin. But I think this is for the best.

Siniguro kong hindi na siya papasok pang muli sa kwarto bago ako bumangon muli sa kama. I arrange my things for the last time. I'm leaving early tomorrow. Ayoko sanang abutan pa ako ni Benjamin dahil dagdag sakit lang 'yun.

Maybe... I'll just leave a letter for him. Dun ko sasabihin ang lahat dahil hindi ko siya kayang makausap.

It was still dawn when I decided to enter Benjamin's room to drop off my letter for him together with the annulment papers that I already signed. He was still sleeping peacefully at halatang nagpuyat kagabi para sa trabaho.

He was hugging his pillow tightly but there's no hint of aggressiveness as he hug the pillow. He looks like an angel sleeping on top of the clouds. I moved closer to the bed to brush my thumb against his cheek.

I breathed hard.

"I love you," I said. My voice slightly breaking. "But I have to do this. I hope you'll be happy without me."

Pagkatapos noon ay lumabas na ako ng kwarto niya at nagsimula nang ibaba isa isa ang aking mga maleta. I didn't want to make any noise so I tried to be quiet as much as possible.

I was patiently waiting for Manong Roly to arrive when I saw a bouquet of flowers resting on the dining table. My mouth immediately parted. May kung ano ring tumusok sa aking puso dahilan kung bakit ko kinuyom ang aking kamao.

Lumapit ako doon at tiningnan kung ano ang nakasulat sa card na nakapatong sa bulaklak.

To my beautiful wife,

You're someone that I needed in this life. You complete me, Kels. And I can't imagine my life without you.

You may find these things corny, but it's the truth. You have to admit that you have the best husband in the world. ;)

I love you.

-Benj

I tried to stop the tears but I can't. This might be the hardest goodbye that I'm going to make next to my parents' loss.

Stop crying, Kelsey. You already made your decision kaya dapat panindigan mo iyon.

Nagulat naman ako nang marinig ko ang isang busina mula sa labas ng bahay, hudyat na dumating na si Manong Roly.

"Oh, damn it." I whispered under my breath.

I just hope the horn didn't wake Benjamin up from his sleep. Ayokong masira ang plano kong umalis ng payapa. Dali-dali akong lumabas ng bahay upang salubungin si Manong Roly. I gave him one of the boxes I packed last night.

"Manong, sana hindi ka na po bumosina. Sana nagtext ka nalang. Baka... magising, e."

Mukha namang nagsisi si Manong Roly nang dahil sa ginawa.

"Naku! Pasensya na, hija. Hindi ko alam."

I sighed heavily. "Okay na po 'yun, Manong. Pakitulungan nalang po akong ilabas lahat ng gamit ko. Pakibilisan nalang po. Ayoko po sanang abutan pa ni Benjamin."

Manong Roly gave me a questioning look. He's been working for us since I was little. At sa mga panahon na iyon ay hindi siya kailanman nangialam sa buhay ko. He's looking at me like he wanted to ask so manu questions but he's only stopping himself dahil hindi niya naman trabaho na manghimasok sa buhay ko.

Nasa huling bagahe na ako na ipapasok sa sasakyan nang makita kong nagmamadaling bumaba ng hagdan si Benjamin. Bigla akong kinabahan. Ito 'yung pinakaiiwasan kong mangyari, e.

Lumabas siya ng bahay at nagugulohan akong tiningnan.

"Kelsey..." tawag niya. "What are you doing?"

Nilingon ko si Manong Roly na mukhang hindi komportable sa sitwasyon sa harap niya ngayon. I sighed heavily.

"Manong, pwede po bang pumasok po muna kayo sa sasakyan? Mag-uusap lang po kami."

"Ah... Eh... sige, hija." Dali-dali naman siyang pumasok ng sasakyan at tsaka ito pinaandar palayo ng kaunti sa bahay.

"Benjamin, you should... get back inside."

"Get back inside?" umiling siya. "Are you kidding me? What is this? What are you doing? W-What was the letter all about?"

Kinagat ko ang pangibabang labi. I took a deep breath and sighed heavily.

"Nabasa mo na naman pala, e. Alam mo na naman siguro ang nangyayari." I said, trying so hard not to make my voice break.

Patuloy siyang umiiling na para bang nagugulohan parin sa nangyayari.

"So, you're leaving?" he asked, his voice slightly breaking. I nod my head bravely. "Why?"

"Don't ask me why. Alam mo na kung bakit."

Kumunot ang noo niya at umiling ng ilang beses. My heart ached when I saw a tear streamed down his face. Oh, damn him. Is he making me regret this?

"Please don't do this, Kelsey. Please don't leave me."

He tried to get near me. Hindi naman ako gumalaw sa pwesto ko upang ipamukha sakanya na matapang ko siyang haharapin.

My eyes immediately watered when I heard him pleading. Napapikit ako at agad na naramdaman ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha. I cleared my throat as I try to keep my composure.

Kung sana may natitira pa akong lakas ng loob para manatili rito, hindi na ako aalis. But I've had enough. The papers gave me enough reasons to quit. This isn't healthy anymore. It's slowly breaking me apart.

My parents' death already broke me a hundred times. At ayoko nang dumagdag pa itong relasyon namin ni Benjamin sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Sawang-sawa na ako sa sakit. Gusto ko nang magpahinga.

"You are not leaving me." matapang niyang sinabi sa akin.

"I can't stay."

"But I love you."

"But loving you isn't enough reason to make me stay." I clenched my jaw to stop my tears. "You have to let me go, Benj. Please let me do this."

"No." agap niya. "I won't."

Matapang niya akong tiningnan kahit na patuloy na rumaragasa ang luha sa kanyang mukha.

"Are you willing to sacrifice your love for me?" he asked. It took me a while to answer that damn question.

"Yes. If it means that I'll stop hurting then yes... I will."

"Kelsey..."

Malamig ko lang siyang tiningnan. Hindi ko alam kung saan pa ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob para titigan siya ng ganito. I wanted to break down in front of him nang dahil sa ipinapakita niya sa akin ngayon.

But once we made a decision, we have to fight for it, right?

Tumayo ako ng maayos at muling pinalis ang luhang lumandas sa mukha ko.

"I have to go, Benj. I'm sorry."

Lalakad na sana ako palayo sakanya nang pigilan niya naman ako. He hugged me from behind to stop me from leaving. Mariin kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata. I clenched my fist because I couldn't stop myself from crying anymore.

This is hurting me so much. This was the hardest goodbye.

"Don't leave me, Kelsey, please!" Benjamin begged again. Ibinaon niya ang kanyang mukha sa aking balikat. Suminghap ako.

"I am trying so hard not to." I whispered. "But this is where it should end, Benjamin. You have to let me go."

Sinubukan kong alisin ang braso niya sa aking baywang pero mas humigpit lang lalo ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin.

"No! No! I can't. I can't let you go, Kels. I can't-"

"You can." I cut him off. "You've been wanting to do this, r-right? You can do this."

I tried so hard not to let my voice break despite the tears that's running out of my eyes. I breathed hard and I took all the courage I have left inside of me to remove his arms around me.

Hinayaan niya akong gawin iyon. Hinarap ko siya at kitang-kita sa mukha niya ang pagmamakaawa. He tried to move closer pero ako naman itong mabilis na lumayo sakanya. Hindi na niya sinubukan pang gawin ulit iyon.

"Kelsey, you can't do this..."

"You've been wanting me to do this for a long time now. I'm just giving you what you want."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "You love me, Kels... You can't leave the person that you love. M-Maybe w-we can fix this. What do I have to do? Please tell me..."

Benjamin sounds so desperate, it hurts. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibaba kong labi at tsaka napapikit nalang nang maramdamanko ang kirot na dulot ng boses niya. Huminga ako ng malalim.

How foolish was I to make myself fall for him more? How foolish was I to think that he actually cares for me? Sana pala hindi ko nalang hinayaan ang sarili na mahulog pa lalo sakanya nang hindi ako nahihirapan ngayon.

Minulat ko ang akin mga mata at tinitigan siyang muli. "You know that the more we try to continue this, the more we'll only hurt ourselves."

"You love me, Kelsey. You can't leave me."

Tumingala ako. So, he's holding on to that huh? He's using that against me just so I won't leave him. I clenched my jaw. Yes, I love him. So much. But does he feel the same?

Kasi kung oo, edi sana matagal na niyang binasura ang papeles na iyon. Hindi 'yung makikita ko pa. He doesn't love me. And he will never love me.

"This is the only right thing to do, Benj. We can't keep on doing this. We can't hurt ourselves more and you know that." I wiped away my tears.

Kumunot ang noo niya at naguguluhan niya akong tiningnan.

"I'm letting you go now, Benj. I already signed the papers for you. Sinabi ko iyon sa sulat kung binasa mo lang ng mabuti. Pirma mo nalang ang kulang. You should sign it now and give it to your lawyer." I continued.

"What papers- Kels..." hindi niya naituloy ang kanyang tanong nang mapagtanto kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin sa papeles na iyon. He sighed disappointedly.

"After that... we're finally over, Benj. You're finally free..."

"Kelsey, I filed that a year after our wedding. I didn't want that anymore-"

"Siguro naman may plano kang ituloy iyon di ba? Kasi hindi ka magsisinungaling sa akin na wala kang tinatago kung wala kang balak ituloy iyon. Pinapadali ko lang ang lahat para sa'yo..."

"This is not easy for me. I don't want to let you go!"

I let out an exaggerated sigh. "Siguro ngayon, hindi pa madali. Pero sa huli pasasalamatan mo rin ako na ginawa ko 'to. I just gave you your freedom. All you have to do is to accept it wholeheartedly."

"I can't..." his voice broke.

"Why not?" I asked.

Why does it hurt to see him cry? Ganito rin ba ang nararamdaman niya sa tuwing nakikita niya akong umiiyak? Hindi ko alam.

"I don't want this freedom if it means that you'll leave me."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Suminghap akong muli.

"Wala ka nang magagawa pa, Benjamin. Buo na ang desisyon ko. Ituloy mo ang annulment kung 'yun ang gusto mo."

Tumalikod ako sakanya at tsaka naglakad patungo sa sasakyan. Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang pagbuhos ng luha ko. Patuloy niya akong tinatawag pero hindi na ako lumingon pa.

"Kelsey!" he shouted. "Kelsey!"

Binuksan ko ang pinto ng sasakyan at tsaka pumasok doon. I immediately told Manong Roly that we can go now. He looks hesistant for a moment pero nang makitang gusto ko na talagang umalis ay pinaandar na niya ang kotse.

I broke down in tears inside the car. Wala na akong pakialam pa kung may kasama ako dito at nakikita niya ang sitwasyon ko ngayon. This is just hard for me to take. I hope he understands that.

When I heard the gates opening, I turn to look at Benjamin for the last time. His hands were covering his mouth while he continues to cry. He gripped his hair tightly as he watches our car go.

Dismayado niyang binagsak ang kanyang mga kamay. Dahil sa oras na iyon... alam kong... naramdaman niya na wala na siyang magagawa pa para pigilan ako.