Song: Nervous- Shawn Mendes

Want

Kahit nasa klase na ay hindi ko parin magawang makapagfocus. My body is in class, but my soul isn't. I tried to focus, okay? But all I could ever think about was that... kiss. And how I enjoyed it!

Damn it! I really don't know what's happening with me!

I still don't get why Benjamin would kiss me all of a sudden! Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang pumasok sa isip niya para gawin iyon. At hindi ko rin labis maintindihan kung bakit ko siya hinayaang gawin iyon!

Instead of stopping him from kissing me... there I was! Enjoying every fucking second of it! And I also found myself longing for it when he left! Napasapo nalang ako sa aking noo nang maalala ko iyon.

I didn't know I would react this way with my first kiss! Hindi kasi ganoon ang pinapangarap ko noon! And now... he shattered one of my dreams as a teenager!

Umiling ako ng ilang beses at tsaka sinubukan muling magfocus sa klase. Our instructor was babbling something in front na hindi ko naman labis maintindihan dahil lumilipad talaga iyong diwa ko sa ibang bagay kahit na ilang beses ko nang ipilit!

I have to slap myself a lot of times para lang magising sa katotohanan. I groaned so loudly that it made some of the students' head turn to me. My mouth parted at tsaka nag-iwas ng tingin sakanila, trying to save myself from that embarrassment.

Thank god the instructor did not hear me. He continued teaching. Baka kung narinig niya pa ako ay baka magpabaon nalang ako ng buhay sa lupa! Napakamot nalang ako sa aking ulo at tsaka sinubukang makinig sa instructor.

I swear—with all my might—I tried to focus, but I  swear! I just can't! That kiss was stopping me to do so! Feeling ko nag-aaksaya ako ng pera dito dahil hindi talaga ako makapagfocus!

I was waiting for the train to arrive when I received a message from Benjamin. Kumunot ang noo ko. As much as I don't want to open that damn message, hindi ko parin napigilan ang sarili.

Benjamin:

Are you free tomorrow?

Agad na kumabog ang puso ko nang pagkalakas lakas nang mabasa ko iyon. Why is he asking me that? Is he... asking me out on a date?

That's bullshit, Kelsey! Benjamin would never ask that! Sino ka ba sa buhay niya?

That thought hurt me a little. Who am I to him though? I'm just a girl who he kissed the other night and I will never be more than that. Bukod doon, I'm nothing to him.

Instead of asking that stupid ass question, I typed a different one.

Me:

Why?

He replied in a matter of seconds.

Benjamin:

I promised to let you meet Celso Da Rosa and Catherine Alvarez, right? Here's my promise now. They'll love to meet you tomorrow. Are you free?

Namilog ang mga mata ko nang mabasa ko iyon. Nang dahil rin doon ay hindi ko napansin na nakadaan na pala ang train!

But the hell I care with that!? I'm going to meet two of my favourite architects and this is more important than that goddamn train!

I can't believe he really did keep that promise! I thought he was just trolling about it! I didn't know he was a man of his words. I smirked and then typed my reply.

Me:

Sure! I would love to! What time and where?

Benjamin:

Don't you have classes tomorrow?

Bumagsak ang balikat ko nang dahil doon. Is he fucking serious? Magtatanong tanong siya kung pwede ba ako bukas tapos nung um-oo, ito ang isasagot niya?

Me:

The hell I care! Come on, tell me when!

Benjamin:

Hahaha. Okay. Chill.

Umirap ako. Ano? Patatagalin niya pa? Ilang train na ang nakakaligtaan ko para lang makapagreply sa message niyang ito! Nasa hotel na sana ako ngayon kung hindi lang talaga siya pa-thrill!

Benjamin:

Tomorrow. 8 AM. At a restaurant near La Rambla. See you.

Nang sinabi niya iyon ay sakto namang dumating iyong train. I immediately entered to look for a seat. Mamaya maya pa ay narinig ko ang aking cellphone na tumunog para sa isang panibagong mensahe. Tiningnan ko iyon.

Benjamin:

Oh. And we're going there together tomorrow.

My jaw dropped. What? Is he trying to kill me?! The more I spend time with him, the more that I can no longer stop this undesired feeling towards him!

Me:

That's a no for me.

Benjamin:

And why is that? You'll need me so I can introduce you to them.

Me:

I mean, pupwede ka namang mauna. Hindi na kailangan pang sabay tayo. Matagal akong mag-ayos!

I tried to use that lame excuse because I thought that's going to work. But unfortunately, it did not!

Benjamin:

I don't mind.

Matagal bago nagproseso sa akin iyong mensahe niya. I clenched my fist. He needs to stop! I seriously don't want to feel this towards him! Out of all people, please... not him!

Nagulat naman ako nang magsend pa siya ng isang mensahe.

Benjamin:

Are you trying to get away from me?

Me:

And who told you that? Nag-fefeeling ka na naman dyan.

Benjamin:

Well... first off, if you're really not trying to get away from me... then you wouldn't mind going to La Rambla with me. Don't tell me you like me now huh?

I gritted my teeth when I read that. Oh damn him! How could he say that?!

Me:

Well, first off, Mr. Benjamin Donovan, I'm just trying to save you from waiting for an hour until I get ready. I'm sure boys like you don't want that. Maaarte kayo, e.

Benjamin:

And as I've said, Ms. Kelsey Sanchez, I don't mind waiting. I've extended my vacation for this. I have nothing else to do so I don't really mind waiting for an hour or god knows when you're going to finish.

And that's it... I can no longer hold this back.

I woke up early the next morning. Hindi naman kasi totoo iyong sinasabi ko na mabagal akong kumilos. I'm always on time! Ni minsan hindi ko ginawa iyong Filipino time na iyon. I don't want wasting someone else's time just to wait for me!

Kung anong oras sinabi, dapat iyon ang tinutupad!

I decided to wear my red sleeveless floral dress. I paired those with my white sneakers and then I put my hair up in a half pony. Kinuha ko iyong bag ko at tsaka napagdesisyonan nang lumabas para katukin na iyong kumag na iyon pero nagulat nalang ako nang makita kong nakasandal na siya sa labas ng kanyang pinto, para bang hinihintay nalang ang pag-labas ko.

He smirked at me when I went out of the door. Umirap naman ako.

"Good morning," he greeted. Sa halip na bumati pabalik ay tinanguan ko lang siya at tsaka naglakad na patungo sa elevator.

I heard him chuckled lightly when I walked pass him. Why does he find everything so funny? Habang ako dito, kabang-kaba na naman! Hindi ako kinabahan dahil mameet ko iyong mga architects pero kinakabahan ako nang dahil dito sa Benjamin na 'to!

I entered the elevator and I immediately pressed the G button. Humakbang ako patalikod para hayaang makapasok si Benjamin. He was playing with his lips when he entered. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

Bakit? May nais ba siyang iparating sa ginagawa niya ha?!

I crossed my arms over my chest at hindi nalang magsalita pa. I patiently waited until we reached the ground floor.

Dali-dali akong lumabas doon pero mabilis niya akong napigilan. Hinatak niya ako pabalik gamit ang palapulsuan ko.

I glared at him. "What?!"

"We're not going there by train."

Marahas ko namang inalis ang kamay niya sa palapulsuan ko. "Then how are we going to go there?"

"I'm driving."

Hindi ko pinahalatang nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. He's seriously trying to kill me! Hindi ko ata kakayanin na kaming dalawa lang sa loob ng kotse!

I shrugged my shoulders at tsaka tinaasan siya ng kilay. Kunwari hindi apektado.

"T-Then... go ahead! Drive!"

Agad akong lumakad palayo sakanya. Nauna akong lumabas ng hotel kaysa sakanya. Kaya naman ay kinailangan ko pa siyang hintayin. Napakabagal naman!

I crossed my arms over my chest at tsaka suplada siyang binalingan ng tingin. I saw him get his car key from the valet. He smiled a little at the guy at tsaka ako tiningnan.

"Come on," he said. I sighed heavily.

I just hope that this won't be the end of me. Umikot ako para makapasok na ng kotse. He immediately started the car when I entered. At walang ano-ano pa'y umalis na kami.

The whole car ride was quiet. I was actually thankful since Benjamin did not hesitate to start a nonsense conversation. He probably knows I'm not in the mood to talk to him kaya ayun... at nanahimik nalang.

Nang makahanap si Benjamin ng parking space na malapit sa restaurant ay agad rin naman kami bumaba. I can seriously feel my heart beating so fast while we were walking towards the said restaurant.

Naramdaman ko naman na nilingon ako ni Benjamin. I heard him chuckling lightly.

"Are you nervous?" he asked. Nilingon ko rin siya ng dahil doon. Medyo nagulat pa ako nang makitang suot na niya ang kanyang sunglasses ngayon.

My mouth parted a little. Damn! Why does everything suits him? It's unfair!

"Y-Yeah..." I muttered.

He nods his head. "Don't worry. They don't bite. They're very kind people. I'm sure they'll love you."

Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga at tsaka tipid siyang nginitian. "I hope so."

Itinuro naman ni Benjamin iyong restaurant kung nasaan si Arch. Celso Da Rosa at si Arch. Catherine Alvarez ngayon. He guided me towards it.

Nang makarating naman kami mismo sa restaurant ay pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto. He pushed me a little inside and I thanked him for the kind gesture.

Inilibot ko ang tingin sa buong restaurant at nang makita si Arch. Celso Da Rosa at Arch. Catherine Alvarez na nasa iisang lamesa habang magkausap ay agad na namilog ang mga mata ko.

Oh shit! They're really here! I'm seriously meeting them today! I skipped my class for today and I don't even regret that decision! Ngayon palang nagsisink-in sa akin ang lahat!

While some girls are busy fangirling over their favourite group... here I am! Freaking fangirling over two of my favourite architects!

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at muntikan nang umatras para sa meetup na ito nang dahil sa kaba. Kung hindi lang talaga ako napigilan ni Benjamin sa tangka kong gagawin, baka kanina pa ako nakalabas ng restaurant na ito para makabalik na ng hotel!

Napangiti siya ng kaunti nang makita ang kinakabahang ekpresyon ko. Hinawakan niya ako sa balikat, hindi ko inangat ang tingin sakanya. I gulped.

"I told you... don't worry about it. They'll love you! Aniya para pagaanin ang loob ko.

Ngumuso ako at seryoso siyang tiningnan. There's already a smirk on his lips and I expected that. A smirk on Benjamin Donovan's face is already normal. It's there and it will never be gone.

I let out an exaggerated sigh. Nilingon ko naman muli ang pwesto ng dalawang arkitekto. They're already looking at us.

Celso and Catherine smiled at me and I can't help myself to smile back. Oh my god! They're real! And they're freaking smiling at us! Oh my god!

Benjamin put his hand on the small of my back to guide me towards their table. Wala na akong oras pa para pagtuunan ng pansin iyong ginagawa niya dahil masyado akong busy sa pagfafangirl!

Benjamin leaned down a little to whisper something in my ear.

"Just stay calm, Kelsey, and you'll be fine."

Tumango ako. Tumigil kami sa harap ng dalawang architects. They stood up to welcome us.

"Good morning, Arch. Da Rosa and Arch. Alvarez. I'd like you to meet my friend, Kelsey." Pakilala sa akin ni Benjamin.

Malapad ko silang nginitian. I extended my hand to them.

"Hi! It was such an honor to meet the both of you!" sabi ko. I can't help myself to sound super excited. They both smiled when I said that.

"Hello! It was also nice meeting you!" ani Catherine Alvarez at tsaka ako hinila palapit sakanya upang makayakap. I suddenly felt a connection between us.

Shit! She's hugging me! Oh my god!

Ganoon rin ang ginawa ni Celso. Pagkatapos noon ay naupo na kami. Benjamin sat in front of me. Nang magkatinginan kami ay tinaasan niya ako ng kilay at sabay nginisian. I tried my best not to smile at him.

Simula nang maupo kami ay hindi na natapos ang aming usapan. I think I've spoken words more than I normally speak on a daily basis.

Napagkwentuhan rin naman ang tungkol sa institution na kinukuhanan ko ng advance classes ngayon. They said that I made the right choice since the institution is known all over Barcelona for their architecture classes.

Marami pa kaming napag-usapan. It's like I've made some new friends!

Nang oras naman para kami ay magpaalam ay medyo nalungkot ako. They have to go since they have important matters to attend to. I understand. They're busy people. Masaya parin ako na naisingit nila itong meet-up na ito sa schedule nila.

Celso and Benjamin shook each other's hand. Habang si Catherine Alvarez naman ay mahigpit akong niyakap. I did the same. Habang ganoon naman ang pwesto namin ay hindi ko naiwasang mapabaling ng tingin kay Benjamin.

He was already looking at us. The smile that I was trying to hide a while ago eventually came out. I smiled genuinely at him.

"Thank you," I mouthed.

Bumuka muna ang kanyang bibig bago siya tipid na ngumiti pabalik sa akin,at tsaka ipinasok ang dalawang kamay sa loob ng kanyang bulsa.

"You're welcome." He mouthed back. I smiled at him for the last time before I bid my goodbye towards two of my favourite architects.

Sinundan naming sila ng tingin hanggang sa makalabas na sila ng restaurant. I sighed heavily. I feel like I've achieved so many things today! Damn! I am so, so happy!

"How was it?" Benjamin asked. Inalis ko ang tingin sa dalawang architect na lumabas nan g restaurant at tsaka siya nilingon.

"It was so amazing!" I exclaimed. He laughed a little.

"I told you everything's going to be fine. Are you still nervous?"

"Hell no!" agap ko. "The nervousness that I was feeling a while ago vanished when I get to talk to them! It's so amazing!"

Benjamin nods his head. He looks very pleased.

"So, shall we?" aya niya. My foreheaf creased.

"Where are we going?"

"It depends."

Iginiya niya ako palabas ng restaurant. We both ended up walking across La Rambla. We were both quiet the whole time until Benjamin broke the silence by saying this...

"About what happened a few nights ago..."

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Oh shit! I don't even want to think about that! Why is he trying to insert that topic into this! I was having fun and he's going to break that by asking about that kiss? Oh, damn it!

"Oh! Look! Gelato!" I said so he can divert his attention to something else. "I think we should try that one!" sabi ko at tsaka nagtungo doon sa gelato stand na nakita ko.

I think he noticed that I changed the topic so he chuckled.

"Iniiwasan mo bang pag-usapan 'yon?" tanong niya habang hinihintay ang lalaki na nasa gelato stand na kuhanin ang order ko.

My heart started beating so fast. Why does he want to talk about it?! He should forget that! Gaya ng paglimot ko doon!

"Anong iniiwasan? I don't know what you're talking about." pagmamaang-maangan ko. Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya.

You're not a convincing actress, Kelsey. Quit acting like you don't know what he's talking about!

"Don't act like you don't remember that night, Kels."

Kumunot ang noo ko nang tinawag niya ako sa pamamagitan ng nickname ko. I didn't know we were already on a nickname basis!

"Seriously! I don't know what you're talking about, Benj." I said, emphasizing his nickname. Tumawa siya.

"The kiss, Ke-"

"Hi! I'd like to have one pistachio gelato please! Thank you!" sabi ko sa kumukuha ng order. Nakalimutan ko nang sabihin ang order sa Spanish dahil masyado akong binibigla nitong si Benjamin!

Why does it look like the kiss wasn't a big deal to him? Tapos sa akin, oo! This is such a big deal for me since he was my first kiss!

Siguro... kaya hindi na big deal sakanya na pag-usapan ito dahil masyado na siyang maraming babae na nahalikan noon! And I'm nothing special compared to those girls he kissed before! Baka mas nasarapan pa siya sa mga halik ng mga babaeng 'yon kaysa sa mga halik ko!

That thought made my blood boil. You are such a womanizer, Benjamin. Damn you!

I keep on ignoring the conversation even though he keeps on inserting the kiss every time we talk about some other things. Kahit na nasa hotel na ay hindi niya parin maitikom ang bibig tungkol doon.

Is he trying to tease me about it? If so, then he's fucking winning! Alam niya siguro na malaki ang epekto sa akin noon kaya ganito nalang niya i-push ang usapan na iyon.

We both stopped in front of our hotel rooms. Bago pa ako tuluyang makapasok ay nagsalita siya.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he blurted out. My mouth parted. Hindi ko inaasahan na sasabihin niya iyon. "I just thought that you should know."

I bit my lip. Gosh! I feel like I'm going to long for him when he leaves. Damn it! Why do you like him, Kelsey? Why!?!?!

Nilingon ko siya at pilit na isinantabi ang nararamdaman. "Oh. That's unnecessary. Have a safe flight tomorrow, Benjamin. And also, send my best wishes to Margaux and her husband."

He nods his head. "Are we going to see each other tomorrow?"

Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. Gusto ko nalang mapapikit. I realized that the more he acts like this towards me, the more that I let myself fall for him more.

He needs to stop. And I seriously need to stop, too. This is... wrong. I guess?

"I don't think so. I have classes tomorrow. I'll probably leave early." Paliwanag ko.

"Then I'll wake up early," Kumunot ang noo ko sa agaran niyang sagot.

Parang ang bilis niya gumawa ng solusyon sa muntikan nang maging problema. I think he realized how he sounds kaya agad siyang nakabawi.

"I mean, we're friends, right? And I just want to thank you for making my vacation here in Barcelone, a little fun."

A little... I thought. Kakaunti lang ang sayang naramdaman niya habang kasama niya ako. Habang ako naman rito ay kabaligtaran ng a little niya ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing magkasama kami. I gulped at hindi na inisip pa iyon.

"Ikaw bahala." I whispered. Ngumiti ako sakanya ng kaunti bago ako tuluyang tumalikod sakanya upang pumasok na ng kwarto.

True to his words, Benjamin really did wake up early the next day. Dahil pagkabukas ko palang ng pinto ko ay nakita ko na siya agad sa harap ng pinto niya at mukhang hinihintay lang ang pag-alis ko.

Inalis niya ang pagkakasandal sa pinto at tsaka umayos ng tayo. "Hi..."

"Hi," I said softly.

Kelsey, don't make it a big deal that he's leaving today. He's just someone you should not like. You should forget your feelings for him.

Hindi rin naman nagtagal ay nagpaalam na kami sa isa't isa. I didn't dare look back at him while I was walking towards the elevator. Because looking back will only make me realize that I like him so much and I didn't want him to leave me yet.

I still want him to stay here habang nandidito pa ako. Dahil panigurado na pagbalik ko ng Pilipinas, hindi na ganito. Everything will eventually change. I still have two more weeks to spare here and I'm sure that in those two weeks, he'll forget everything that we did together here in Barcelona.

He's Benjamin. There's no way in hell that he'll treasure the time we spent together. Hindi kagaya ko. I will always keep those moments deep within my heart.

Nang makauwi naman ako galing sa klase ay nakita kong may panibago nang tao na nag-ooccupy ng kwarto ni Benjamin. I smiled sadly to myself. He's really gone.

I wonder when we'll see each other again? I sighed heavily at pumasok na ng kwarto ko.

Mabilis na nagdaan ang isang buwan. Marami na akong napuntahan dito sa Barcelona at lahat ng iyon ay ikinuwento ko sa magulang ko nang makabalik ako ng Pilipinas.

"How's your vacation, dear?" tanong ni Mommy habang niyayakap ako ng mahigpit.

Sinundo nila ako sa airport. Gabi na at alam kong dumiretso sila rito pagkatapos ng trabaho para lang sunduin ako. I told them not to do it. I said that Manong Roly can drive me back home. But my mother insisted.

Inaya nila akong magdinner sa isang restaurant at doon ko ikwinento ang lahat sakanila. Sometimes my mom would ask me about the things I did with Benjamin habang nandodoon rin siya at nagbabakasyon. I gave her some details pero hindi ko sinabi sakanya ang lahat.

On a meeting I attended to three days after my arrival, some of our business partners said that they're glad that I'm back. Sabi nila ay hindi sila makapaghintay na gamitin ko iyong natutunan ko sa Barcelona dito sa kompanya.

Paulit-ulit lang naman ang nangyari sa dalawang buwan na nagdaan matapos kong makabalik. I work, have dinner with my parents, attend meetings, design for the new project and vice versa.

Except the time when Jeya and Troy asked me to spend time with them at a bar in Taguig. I obliged since it's been a long time since I last saw them. Halos tatlong buwan ko rin silang hindi nakita dahil masyadong busy ang mga schedule namin.

Even though Troy wanted to see me without Jeya ay hindi niya magawa. He's been too preoccupied with work. And the same goes with Jeya and I.

I've been really hands on towards the project that we are currently trying to make. Mahabang proseso pero wala na akong pakialam. I want this project to be the best one.

Sinalubong nalang ako ni Jeya at Troy sa entrada ng bar. I took a cab to take me here after work. Ayoko nang istorbohin pa si Manong Roly o hindi kaya sila Daddy.

"You took the cab, Kels?" Troy asked.

"Yeah. Is that bad?" tanong ko.

Nakasanayan ko na rin kasi. Ganito ang lagi kong ginagawa habang nasa Barcelona pa ako noon. I take the cab whenever I want to go somewhere.

"Not really. But it's weird." Si Jeya. Umiling ako.

Pagkatapos naman noon ay pumasok na kami sa loob ng bar. The loud music quickly enveloped my ears. The lights blinded me a little pero agad naman akong nakabawi.

We roamed our eyes throughout the bar, at habang ginagawa namin iyon ay hindi ko inakalang dito ko pa siya makikita ulit pagkatapos ng tatlong buwan.

I think even Troy and Jeya saw him, too, kaya mabilis na nag-aya si Troy na magpunta nalang kami sa ibang bar.

But Jeya insisted. She wants us to be here. And a part of me wants us to be here, too.