Chapter 16

That night, after an extra-large feast from Julia and a blessedly hot bath, the house was silent, and all the world was asleep apart from me.

I lay on the couch, staring at the grooves and marks that lined the wood beams above my head, thinking. Two days in a row I'd crossed the line I'd drawn between myself and Croc, and it was becoming harder to justify why I needed to stay on my side. He'd evolved, changed so much it was difficult to remember he was the same man we'd met upon arrival.

He'd gone from incomplete sentences to poetic wisdoms; caveman to Casanova, dirty to polished. My line had no chance against him. It was mere chalk on a sidewalk, and his touch was a torrential downpour, blurring the edges. If I didn't stop this soon, it'd wash away. I needed that line; for him, for myself. I didn't want to be a test. I didn't want my body used again in the name of knowledge. But then Croc stood next to Danny, and the line blurred more. They weren't the same. It wasn't the same.

I chewed my lip and focused on a specific point in the ceiling. He was like a boy when we'd arrived. He'd been left to fend for himself and miss out on all the experiences that came along with growing up. It would be unfair for me to take advantage of that. He was gorgeous, caring, great with kids, protective, funny.

What if a day came when we were forced to leave, and I'd allowed myself to pretend that I deserved him? What if he meets others and sees the truth? I'm not extraordinary. I'm an orphan. I have the most basic education and no real talents. My hair is like mud, my eyes sludge. My hips are a little too wide. My breasts are a little too small. I'd soiled my virtue more than once, and I'd sold my soul to countless devils like Danny.

I was a used car, a junker, and I wasn't prepared to deal with being cast aside the minute Croc found out there were newer, shinier things for him to test drive.

There it was. The truth. It couldn't happen. I couldn't let it. Croc had done so much for us. Our protection came before anything, and if I ever wanted to look myself in the mirror again, I needed to do the same for him...and myself.

🐊🐊🐊

I awoke refreshed, resolved, and clear enough to realize that imaginary lines would never be enough to make me do the right thing. The truth was, I'd never been good. It didn't matter that they'd pumped me full of garbage. I'd been trash since I was cast aside as a baby, and there were only a few instances in which I was proud of myself: every night the raids had passed Merle and Julia's house, and the night I'd saved the children.

That was the answer. If I wanted to be a good person who did good things, I needed to stop keeping a distance and start focusing on the ones who needed me most. Eve and Eric.

They were better than any line I could draw. Not only could I rest assured that I was having a positive impact on what little life I had to live, I also didn't have to worry about slipping down any forbidden rabbit holes with two tiny witnesses around to chaperone.

When Croc asked me if I was ready to learn to swim, I easily agreed and gathered the children to come with us. They had the same new skill, after all, and knowing how to use it could only help them should a situation arise where they needed to hide.

Of course, he agreed. He'd fallen even harder for them than I could ever imagine he had for me, and both kids squealed in excitement when we shared our plans with them.

We swam in the water out front, allowing Julia an opportunity to watch. This, unfortunately, gave Danny the same opportunity.

He sat against a tree, the same spot he was forced to eat and sleep, and his attention was fixated on the four of us.

I kept my back to him as much as I could and tried to forget he was there. Eric rested on my hip, laughing wildly as he smacked his chubby little hand into the water, splashing me in the process.

Croc held Eve outstretched in front of him by her arm pits and chanted, "Kick, kick, kick," as her legs worked hard beneath the surface.

"Work it, girl!" Julia cried. "Look at them little legs go! She's a natural!"

Eve beamed. "I'm good," she told Croc. "I'm almost as good as you!"

He rumbled a laugh. "I don't know. I don't think I can kick quite that fast."

Her eyes lit up. "Yeah, I think your right. I'm super fast. That's my power. I can turn it on when I want to." Her face scrunched up, then she propelled her legs hard, small, erratic kicks that made Croc almost lose his grip.

"Whoa, now! Hold on! You kick any faster, you might just shoot up into the sky."

He spun her in a large circle, laughing at her excited screech, then stopped and loosened his hold. "Now, you're going to kick your legs just like that, but this time, extend your arms out on either side of you and move them in circles. Can you do that?"

She nodded, and tried, and Croc studied her movements for a long moment. "Kick a little harder. Don't forget to keep kicking. A little bigger circles." He smiled as she worked, then released his hold and allowed her to hold herself above the water.

She dipped down, water reaching her chin, and I jolted, ready to reach out and snatch her before she went under. I wanted them to learn, but the process made my muscles tense. They were alive. Alive and safe, and I wouldn't lose them, especially to something as stupid as water.

"Kick! Move your arms!" Croc said. "Keep going! Use the water to push yourself up. You've got it!"

She struggled, huffing, then after a moment managed to get her head all the way above the surface.

I relaxed.

"I'm doing it! Granny Julia, do you see me? I'm doing it!"

"I see!" Julia crooned. "You're doing fantastic!"

Eric imitated his sister, gripping me with one arm while the other moved in a big circle and kicking his legs in an uncoordinated rhythm.

Croc helped Eve over to grip the dock and stretched his hands out toward me. "You want to try, big man?"

Eric scrambled away from me, making it clear who his favorite was.

Croc repeated the lessen, but Eric was a bit too small and couldn't propel himself enough to tread water on his own. Croc flipped him over, laying him on his back. "Make pretend like you're going to sleep," he said.

Eric closed his eyes and snored.

Everyone laughed, including Danny, who up until then had faded into the background. I ground my teeth and tried to pretend it wasn't him, but my laughter faded at the sound of his.

"Very good," Croc said. "Now, relax. If you relax your body all the way, you'll float."

Eric stopped snoring and opened his eyes. He looked serene, staring up at the sky, innocent and carefree, safe, and when Croc removed his hands, he stayed that way. It was testament to the amount of trust these children had in Croc. He was both mentor and protector. He was a god in their eyes, and it occurred to me just how much they'd needed him.

Eve swam toward Croc, and without prompting, matched her brother's position. They floated together, gently carried by the water, and Croc watched them both with the softest expression on his face.

"I wish Merle was here to see this," Julia said.

I looked up at her, but she didn't meet my gaze. Her eyes were glassy, fixed on the simple beauty of the moment. "He would have loved it," she whispered. "We never knew how precious times like this were until they were gone. You're too young to really remember what it used to be like, but when I was a girl..." Her voice broke, and she let the words trail off, shaking her head. "Enjoy this, Willow. While you can."

I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat and nodded. "I wish he was here, too."

"I know you do." She looked at me then. "Don't write that old man off, yet. His hardheaded ass won't give up easily. If anyone can make it out, it's him."

I nodded again, but it'd been so long. Julia would never accept the inevitable. She'd keep holding out hope until she saw with her own eyes that he was gone. I'd seen her, when she didn't know I was watching, staring off into the distance, waiting for him to arrive. He was her childhood sweetheart, her knight in leather armor, and despite how they'd bickered and snarked at each other, she viewed Merle in the same way the children viewed Croc. Invincible. Unshakable. Capable of taking on an entire world.

I wanted to feel that way.

Croc lifted Eric onto the dock, and the soaking wet boy immediately ran for Julia's lap, drenching her clothes and returning her to her usual self. She cackled, tickling him for his sins against her, then pulled him into her arms and held him close.

Croc lifted Eve to sit with her feet in the water, then looked at me. "Your turn. Are you going to hold yourself up, float, or"—he grinned—"doggy paddle?"

I narrowed my eyes and stuck my tongue out, earning a laugh from Eve as I waded away from the dock and mimicked what I'd watched the kids learn. I could feel the water, the way it moved with my body, and after listening to Croc talk, it almost seemed easy. I flapped my arms like some regal bird, hands flat and pushing downward as my legs kicked my body up. "Ha! How's that for a doggy paddle?"

His grin widened. "Much better than the other one." He stretched out on his back, relaxing.

"The water has skin," he said. "You can see it if you look close enough."

I took a deep breath and leaned back, forcing my body to relax. My shoulders and top half stayed up, but my legs still dangled below, unlike Croc, who looked like he had a pool float beneath him.

I studied where the water met my arms and saw what he was talking about. A thin skin, barely noticeable. I took a deep breath in, blew it out slow, and focused harder on relaxing my entire body. I gently moved my arms and feet, propelling myself up the final bit, and did it. I was floating, arms outstretched, feet shoulder width apart, sun shining through the canopy above my head, sky clear blue, and day perfect.

Julia was right. It was simple. We were free, one with nature, human, and the moment was pure beauty. I made a silent vow to heed her advice and enjoy every second.

When our lessons ended with a promise from Julia for dinner, and everyone began heading toward the house, Danny cleared his throat. "Willow? Could we talk? Just for a minute?"

I frowned and bowed my head, noting the lines my wet feet made on the dock. Croc didn't leave, and I didn't think he would. He stood there, no doubt glaring at Danny, though I never lifted my gaze to check. I didn't want to talk to him, especially not alone, but I knew it was something I'd have to do sooner or later. I had to face the devil, look him in the eye and demand honest answers from his liar's tongue—answers about things I didn't want anyone else to know. I lifted my face. "It's fine, Croc. Give us a minute."

His brow was furrowed, and he looked away, staring at the boards I'd been so focused on before, as if my thoughts had ingrained into their surface.

"I'll be fine."

He nodded, then with a reluctant pause and a warning glare at Danny, he started for the front door. "I'll be right inside."

The water dripped, abandoning me. This new world was so different. It'd never occurred to me just how much until Danny arrived. Even he was different. No longer pristine but coated in mud with disheveled hair and rumpled clothes. This place had never been painted in the illusions. "You have something to say?"

"I want to...apologize."

I almost laughed. Of course he wanted to apologize. He needed forgiveness so he could find a way closer to his new findings. "Apologize?"

Danny shifted, pulling himself to his feet. "What I did to you was wrong. I let my personal desires interfere with my work. It was unprofessional and out of line, and I sincerely regret my actions."

Lovely. How clinical. "Was that your letter to HR? If so, I can see why you had to run." Is that what he thought? Never mind what he'd done to me. Never mind that he'd killed people. Never mind that he'd treated me like a body, a vessel, something without sentience or feeling or basic human rights. "Is that what I am? Is that what all those people were? Your work?"

His mask slipped, and his jaw worked, chewing the next lie so it would slide smoother from his lips. "We're saving humanity from extinction. What we've found here is the answer to it all. I need to check those kids. I need to monitor and—"

"Absolutely fucking not. You're not a good person, Danny. You're pure fucking evil, and I'd rather a gator eat you than let you near those kids."

"I'm evil?" He took a step forward, coated in false calm. "For what? Am I supposed to let the entire species die to preserve a few like you?" His lip curled. "I gave you a gift, Willow. I kept you alive. I know you don't want to hear it, but you're a waste of space. You consume resources and contribute nothing. That was my mistake. The pretty ones, the girls like you. I would have been invisible to you before the initiative started, and I wanted to be seen. I took my own gratification as payment for something that wasn't mine to give. That wasn't what was best. That wasn't for the greater good."

The greater good. Unnecessary. Good for nothing but what my body could provide. The words slit me open and allowed my every insecurity to spill out, laid bare like a slaughtered animal hung suspended from a tree. I believed them. I agreed, but I wouldn't stand for judgment, especially not from Satan himself. "Is that what you tell yourself?" I sewed up the cracks he'd made in my armor, saving the wounds for another time. "That people like me are the ones that need to go?" I ate up the space until I was close enough to spit on him. "The truth is, people like me, people like the ones in your group, we're all that's left of humanity. You," I sneered, "are not human. Humans don't do what you did. There's nothing human about what you do. None of us believe that greater good bullshit you use to make yourself feel better. We all know you're the devil, and if you're not careful, I'll have you put back in the fucking ground."

He smiled, a wide open expression that matched his eyes. "Is that right?" He laughed. "It's amazing how you can think you have any chance of keeping this from them. You think they won't come? You think they won't want to open up your guard dog and see what makes him bark?"

Something snapped inside me, and without thought, I shoved his chest as hard as I could, only to stumble back.

He lifted off his feet and flew backward, smashing into the tree with enough force to shake the branches. I stared opened mouthed as he spluttered and gasped, clutched at his chest and fought for air.

My mouth closed, then curved. I lifted my hands and stared at my palms in wonder. I'd done that. I'd been so...powerful. I was stronger than him, a grown man. "Holy shit," I whispered, moving closer to stand over him; down, defeated, weak. "Do I look like I'm fucking scared?"