Over and over and over

the vicious cycle seems to be

not giving a damn until I have to

and by that time its so overwhelming

so of course I need a break

but then one becomes two

and two turns to five

 and the deadline's a day away before I even realize.

I'm tired of boring classes that have no impact on my life

I'm tired of boring people that can't catch a hint and say bye.

I'm tired of being tired

because then I have to have coffee

but then add that to the list of poor behaviors

habits turn into addiction

and it's like I'm invisible, honestly.

Like no one sees my struggles but my therapist and me

and thats cool, thats okay

I'd rather not be an open book

on full display for people to thumb through

carelessly creasing pages leaving my spine cracked, bent, hurt

but the friends I was once close enough with to open up to are more distant than its worth.

Sometimes I feel like a burden

especially to myself

and most times I feel so lonely

but refuse to ask for help

I miss being in love,

though I know nows not the time

I've got too much on my plate already

to add someone else to the line

but is it so bad

to have someone in mind?

Someone I'd like to share these thoughts with

to finally unwind

the long string thats become entwined throughout my mind

picking up thoughts here and there

carelessly muddling them all together 

until I can no longer tell beginning from end

from start to finish or anything in between 

so then

tell me

is it wrong?

or am I just meant to forever 

muddle through these things alone

each person passing through my life 

only there in spite of 

and not because

they truly want

to be.

at least

thats what it feels like

when each one reminds me

that I am disposable

when inevitably

they leave.