I think I slept a lot at first. They gave me a lot of medication. Some for the pain of my healing burns. Some to supposedly lift my spirits. A kind doctor sat with me and talked me through it. Raising serotonin levels was supposed to stop me feeling so depressed. But each time she pressed the pills into my hand, I felt like telling her it would never work. Drugs wouldn't make me forget all the bad things that happened to me. Everything I'd seen and done. There wasn't a drug to make me forget.

But the thing about being alone all the time is you have a lot of time to think. A lot. I wanted to rest my mind after they started to reduce my drugs, but it was constantly ticking over, forming ideas. I could barely sleep because of it. The kind doctor gave me something to help me sleep, but it didn't help much. My brain was still awake, crawling through the fog of drugs, planning.

Planning how to kill Coin.

Somewhere along the way, I forgave Alexius. At least enough not to want him dead. Uncle Drew was right. He'd suffer enough in jail. But what I felt for Coin ran much deeper. If the roots of my hatred for Alexius were just under the soil, Coin's roots ran down to the centre of the earth. There was no room in me for anything but my hatred for her. And so I used all that hate to propel me to get better.

I'm not sure I actually did get better, but I acted it to the point where I started to believe it. To the point where plotting how to murder someone became the norm. First off, it was important that I acted better to get out of solitary. I used all my energy to push aside my depression and get myself out of bed. I did the exercises my doctor assigned to me, much to her pleasure. I ate every meal I was brought – three a day – even though they made me nauseous. They reduced my meds and I pretended to sleep, though I spent every day exhausted. Eventually, it was decided that I was suitable for visitors, but I told the kind doctor I didn't want visitors until I was completely better. It was only half a lie. I knew Mother, Father, Uncle Drew and Finch would have tried to visit. Maybe Ronan too. But I knew that killing Coin would change their opinion of me. That meant seeing them would be far too painful.

Maybe it was selfish of me. To put them through pain just to see Coin gone. But that was the point. Coin dead would change everything. My family would be able to breathe again. Sure, I'd be imprisoned. I'd be a murderer. But after everything, I couldn't see any other way. We were both monsters, but she'd made me that way. I was born from her hatred. I was war and rage and tears. And everything I felt revolved around her.

They'd all understand in the end. I couldn't rest while she lived. Once she was dead, maybe I'd get a decent night's sleep.

The kind doctor became so impressed with me that she took me walking around the hospital wings. They were busy – filled with soldiers injured in the war. But I heard their whispers. Things maybe I shouldn't have heard. About successful missions and victories on the Capitol's outskirts. Talk of outnumbering the Capitol. It made room for hope inside me.

Maybe two Presidents can fall at once.

***

"Karissa. Wake up!"

I was already awake, but I pretended to wipe sleep from my heavy eyes. The kind nurse was smiling. More than normal.

"The Capitol has fallen!" she whispered it as though it was a secret, though I was likely the last person to know. Somehow, nothing much stirred inside me, though I knew that, of course, it was a good thing. I mustered a gleeful giggle to keep up appearances.

"You're serious? You're not playing a game?"

"I wouldn't joke about this. President Snow has been captured. He's to be executed in the Capitol, and plans are being drawn about our future as we speak. You have been invited to go to the execution. You, after all, were an important part of bringing him down. And your mother, no matter how long ago she fought with him."

This will be perfect. Coin will be there. All eyes will be on President Snow. I managed a dignified nod. The kind nurse pinched my cheeks as though I was a child and then practically skipped from the room. But I didn't mind getting left alone. I was used to it by then. And I had planning to do.

The most difficult part of the plan was remaining unseen, and time was of the essence. I knew how I was going to do it. I had lost weight and muscle, but I was still strong enough to strangle her. Or if opportunity provided me with a blunt object, I could hit her head. Hard.

I was ready.

The night before we set off for the Capitol, I tried my hardest to sleep, wanting to conserve energy. But sleep wouldn't come. I was twitchy, nervous. One wrong move and I'd miss my chance. I knew that. I couldn't afford it.

At some point, I felt the weight of someone else sitting on the bed. With much effort, I turned. And I saw my brother.

"You're not real," I told him. Elliott laughed.

"So what? I'm here. Aren't you going to greet me?"

I turned away from him, but wherever I turned, he was there. Eventually, I stopped trying to escape him, and he leaned in to wipe my sweaty hair from my head.

"Plotting murder doesn't do your looks any favours."

"I was never the prettier of the two of us. And acid burns don't make princesses of anyone."

"Point taken. But still. I've heard hypocrisy makes you go bald, too."

I rolled my eyes. I knew what he was getting at. I stopped him from killing Coin, and he was going to try and stop me from doing the same.

"You should think about it a while. Even if Coin lives, you can leave. Go to another District to be with the family. What is left of it, at least."

"No. I should have let you kill her. She's a demon. And I've had enough of her game."

"You know, it won't make a difference. You know how politics works. No matter how hard we try and find balance, create good lives for people, our presidencies always fail. Someone else, someone worse, perhaps, will just step up and take Coin's place."

"It matters to me. Whoever takes over...they won't have a personal vendetta against us. They won't want me dead. They won't want everyone I love dead to hurt me. They won't...they won't want to hurt me." I was crying. I scrubbed at my eyes.

"You're not real, not real, not real, not real." When I looked again, Elliott was gone.

I managed to sleep for a while after that, and it took the kind doctor a long time to wake me up. She had a set of clothes set out for me, which I pulled on eagerly. It felt almost normal to be back in a grey jumpsuit. But I told myself not to get used to normality. Everything was going to change.

We only just arrived at the mansion on time. I suspected that Coin didn't want to wait for me. My family had been moved there several days before. I was the last guest to arrive, and I wasn't welcome.

I spotted Coin right away. She was on a balcony overlooking President Snow's mansion. My mother was stood close behind. She'd been granted a good view for obvious reasons. No one wanted Snow dead more than her.

And no one wanted Coin dead more than me.

The kind nurse's grip on my arm wasn't tight. In the bustling crowd, all it took was a slight tug to pull away, and then I was running through the crowd, the nurse calling my name. No one was concentrated on my little escape. All eyes were on Snow, who'd been tied to a post in his own courtyard.

I raced up some stairs and tried to figure out the maze of Snow's house. I had to be quick. I ran down a long corridor and veered left onto a balcony. It was the wrong one, but I could see Coin from it. I wasn't far away. And Katniss Everdeen was just emerging in preparation for the execution.

I found the right balcony. I could see the back of Coin's grey haired head. I felt the smile creep onto my face. This is my moment. I rushed forwards, arms outstretched.

But just as my hands were about to close around her throat, she fell.

I was screaming as I watched her tumble. She had an arrow piercing her body. But when her body hit the floor, I knew there was no recovering. And she was dead. But all I could do was scream.

Katniss Everdeen stole from me. She stole my right to kill Coin.

***

I was inconsolable. People came up to me and told me I'd done everything I could to save her. They thought I'd tried to catch her. I couldn't even find the energy to laugh at their naivety. I couldn't stop the tears.

I think part of it was relief. I was so happy to finally be shot of her. But I wished more than anything that I could have ended it myself. Because I wanted her to feel everything I'd felt. And now she was dead and she'd never suffer.

Mother was a wreck too. She'd been granted special access to see President Snow's body, and seeing him finally dead, after so many years, was draining for her. We were both allowed to return to our quarters and we spent a long few days grieving for reasons no one else understood.

And Finch kept his distance. The worst part about it all was that he knew. I know he did. He knew I was planning to kill Coin, not save her. Because he knew me better than anyone. Maybe once he didn't think I was capable. I didn't think I was either. And I'll never know now.

On the fourth day, the crying stopped. And I think I partly accepted that I had to move on, even though Coin consumed my thoughts. It meant getting away from District 13. Nothing about it made me want to stay anymore. It was a hellish reminder of the past year. And so I told Mother where I was going. She smiled. And she told me in shaky signs that I wouldn't be going alone.

We were going to District 10. The place all my family had come from. Their real home, even after the horrors they endured there. Father packed his bag eagerly. He'd been waiting to escape since the day they arrived at 13. And he held Mother's hand so tight that I couldn't help but revel in the love they shared. It had grown slowly. I'd seen it myself. Maybe once Mother had been unsure, but each day she seemed to love him a little more. And I felt a pang of jealousy. Because I'd messed it all up with Finch. I'd never find a love like that again, and it hurt.

The four of us were ready to go. Me, Mother, Father and Uncle Drew. The newly appointed President Paylor granted our leave. She said that she couldn't spare the vehicles to take us there, but someone was preparing a house for our arrival. I didn't mind anyway. Walking wasn't a problem for me. It would be my first time above ground for so long. I couldn't wait.

We had our few possessions in our bags. Food, water, weapons. I never wanted to see another weapon, but I knew the world was still dangerous, even with the war over. And even if I didn't care much for myself any more, I could still protect my family.

I didn't have many friends to say goodbye to. I didn't know where Finch was. But my team came to see me off. What I didn't expect was to see Ronan scurry outside with his own backpack filled to the brim.

"I'm coming too," he declared.

"Ronan..."

"You won't change my mind. You're my leader. You always will be. I have no family left, and this District is hell. I'm starting over, and I want to be wherever you are."

I felt something stir in my stomach that I hadn't felt in a long while. Pride in myself. And as I watched the rest of my team salute me in unison, I knew something that changed me inside.

I knew I was still important to them.

I didn't want to cry in front of them, so after my quick salute, I made to walk off. But I still felt that something was missing. I still hadn't seen Finch. And I knew if I didn't soon, I never would again. I wanted to go and look for him, but I knew I had to wait and see if he'd come to me. He had to decide whether I was worth chasing.

He caught up with us just on the edge of the District. He was out of breath, his hair plastered to his head. There was no trace of blue in his hair any longer. He looked like he was one of us. Like he belonged. My family discreetly shuffled onwards to give me some time to talk to him, but I couldn't meet his eye.

"Karissa," he whispered "You've changed so much."

I hung my head, tears stinging my eyes "Too much?"

Finch didn't reply for a while. I shook my head, making to turn away. "I understand. Just go back. Don't make this too hard."

Finch's fingers gently locked around my wrist. "Don't go. I just...Karissa, I love you. More than I should perhaps, after everything. You've changed, yes. But I want to love this new you. And I want to help you through this. Everything that's happened to you...it changes a person. And I'm not the same boy I was when we met either. I'm not some wide eyed Capitol kid with blue hair anymore. I know things. And one thing I know more than anything...I know that I will do anything....whatever it takes, to make this work. To make us work. All you have to do...is let me in."

I looked into my angel's eyes. My Capitol boy. The only one who could ever see good in my darkness. His love was unconditional. Maybe he loved a monster. But he'd make an angel of me yet. I stood on my tiptoes and Finch cupped the back of my head, drawing me into his kiss. It felt so sweet to have him. For real this time. At last. And it finally clicked that it didn't matter that I didn't kill Coin. She was dead. And that's all that mattered.

My nose was pressed to his. His eyes were searching mine. I took his hand.

"Marry me, Finch. Be mine forever," I whispered gently. "I want to grow old with you. I want my children to be your children. I want them to grow up with the same love from you that I got. Come with me to District 10. We can have all of that...we could have everything."

"Karissa...you know I will. Like I've said before. And I'll say it a thousand times again." He leaned closer to my ear. "I'd never leave you."

Everyone was waiting for us. We carried on walking. Finch went to ask my father for my hand with his eyes gleaming so beautifully. Uncle Drew was telling Ronan dirty jokes and he was laughing with blushing red cheeks. My mother took my hand and we watched together as the ghosts of our past gathered. For the first time, I saw hers too. Her friends from the Games. Jonah holding my sister. Logan. And then there was Elliott, and Zach, and my grandfather. And even though the dead were still separated from the living, everyone I loved was in the same place at once. Maybe it was because I was still stuck half way between life and death. But slowly, and surely, life was reclaiming me. Death was being left behind for now. That meant saying goodbye to Elliott for both mother and I, and all the other people we loved. Our friends, our unforgotten past. They were watching over us, and always would be.

We took a deep breath and walked into the unknown.