I sprung away from Finch in horror. Coin’s seen us. She knows was my immediate thought. But it wasn’t Coin at the door.

 It was Mother.

 I blinked in surprise. She did a double take, looking at the notebook in my hand, the way I jumped away from Finch, the kiss still fresh on our lips. Then she smiled.

 “Mother, I-”

 She stepped forwards to take the sketchbook from my hands. She opened up the first page slowly and looked at whatever was drawn there.

 “Mother, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have read the letter…”

 She closed the sketchbook with a smile, and shook her head at me. We’ll talk about this later, she gestured to me. Then she smiled slyly at Finch, at his ruffled hair and sheepish smile, and suddenly I imagined her, seventeen and in love. She doesn’t mind about the kiss I realised. She’s been in my position before. She caught me staring and I saw a glimpse of her grin I think it’s sweet she gestured to me.

 “What did she say?” Finch asked me quietly.

 “Er…she says she’s glad we found the sketchbook.”

 Mother raised her eyebrows, but didn’t argue with the fib. She jabbed her thumb at Finch and pointed to the door. I realised she wanted to speak to me alone. Finch looked a little intimidated by Mother as he left, scampering off quickly without any argument. To my surprise, Mother stepped closer to me and tucked a hair lovingly behind my ear.

 Aren’t you angry? I asked in signs. About me taking the letter?

 No she replied I couldn’t be angry at you. I should have told you more about Logan, about my past. I just need one more night, my darling. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about everything.

 We walked back to our quarters in silence. I felt uncomfortable, knowing I was still being made to wait for answers. And I was confused about the kiss. I knew that I wanted to kiss him, and I knew that he wanted to kiss me. So why did it feel like I shouldn’t have done it? And then it struck me.

 It was because of my family. I’d grown up believing keeping to myself and to my blood was the best thing I could do. I never really had friends, aside from Elliott, who can’t even count really. Mother never spoke to people she didn’t have to, and Father always stuck by Mother’s side. Both were retired: they were thought to have completed their service to the community back when Elliott and I were born, when the rebellion was failing. Uncle Drew never really spoke to anyone but Mother and I. He wasn’t easy for most to get on with.

 And then Finch came along. He tipped my world upside down. I felt like I was drowning in all the feelings hitting me at once. Lust. Guilt. Extreme happiness, but also crippling sadness. I couldn’t talk to Finch about Finch. I didn’t have anyone to turn to.

 I soundlessly bid goodnight to Mother, knowing if I opened my mouth, the tears would come. It was late, and Father was asleep. It was dark in my bedroom too. I entered the room cautiously. I could feel the air around me, heavy with unspoken words, and yet I felt that I couldn’t breathe. I stumbled to my bed in the dark and listened to the silence that surrounded us. Then I heard the footsteps, felt the weight of Finch’s body perching on my bed. I closed my eyes.

 “Honey?” he whispered. I squeezed my eyes tighter.

 “I know you’re awake,” he said “Why are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?”

 It was too much. I buried my face in the pillow, feeling the heat of my tears on the fabric. I’d learnt long ago how to conceal my crying. Living with Elliott had taught me that. But Finch wasn’t fooled. I felt his lips press into my hair softly.

 “I’m ready to talk to you whenever you want to,” he whispered “But please don’t take too long. I’ve waited for you a long time, Karissa. I’m not ready to have my heart broken just yet.”

***

 The tears on my face had dried when I woke, but my heart still hurt. It was early, and Finch was still asleep. I dressed quickly and quietly, slipping out of the bedroom. No one else was up yet, which I was glad of. I still needed to apologise to Father, but I wasn’t ready to. Not yet. Instead of waiting around, I went to the dining hall, hands shoved in my pockets to keep me from biting my nails. There weren’t many people around, but I’d grown accustomed to eating with Finch, and the hall seemed empty without his laughter. I dug into a bowl of porridge, remembering I had to train the new kids. I sighed, spooning porridge into my mouth. It was going to be a long day.

 I headed down to the training centre to warm up. I found that Coin had left new training clothes for me, but I discarded them quickly. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her steel capped boots and ridiculously tight training suits. I was much more comfortable in my training shorts and tank top. I had a feeling the session was going to get quite sweaty. I’d already decided to start with hand to hand combat.

 I was doing some press ups when I heard the new trainees arriving. I knew they weren’t regular soldiers. They were much too loud. Soldiers learn to be quiet and stealthy. My heart sank. The first group Coin had sent me were all boys. Great. Thanks, Coin.

 Most of the group seemed pretty weedy, but they all crowded around three tougher looking boys, who were seemingly the golden boys of the pack already. They’ll need taking down a peg or two, I thought. I clapped my hands loudly to get their attention, but none of them were listening. A peal of raucous laughter rippled through them, and I could feel them looking at me snootily, sizing me up.

 “Oi!” I shouted “Enough! You’ve got work to do. Everyone do three laps of the hall as a warm up.”

 “Make us,” one challenged me. The other boys snickered. I took a step towards him.

 “What’s your name?” I asked him.

 “I’m Zach,” the boy said cockily, with a tone that said everyone knows who I am, why don’t you? I smiled at him sweetly.

 “OK, Zach. Ten laps for you. Anybody else who argues will have the same. And not one of you is leaving here until you have completed training! Get a move on!”

 A large groan settled amongst some of the group, and I quickly picked them out, sentencing them to the same punishment as Zach. No one else protested, and they all waited silently and sheepishly for Zach and the others to finish all ten laps. They were slow, and it took a lot longer than it should have. Zach finished first, seemingly fitter than some, but the others returned to the group long after, red in the face and drenched in sweat. I stood impatiently with my hands on my hips.

 “Discipline,” I emphasised “Is what you all need. To be soldiers, you’re all going to have to buck up. I am your trainer, and if you don’t listen to me, come the battles, you’ll all be slaughtered. This isn’t a game. This isn’t fun. You need wits, which clearly some of you have abandoned or you’re dead.”

 “I was told your brother would train us,” Zach’s friend commented “He’s the best trainer. We want him.” The boy smiled “But he’s gone, isn’t he? Run away.”

 “That’s none of your business. But Elliott and I are the best trainers you could possibly have. Equally the best.”

 “What do you know of war?” Zach hissed defiantly. A few more nervous sniggers passed around the group, but they seemed to be taking me a little more seriously now. At least, they were scared of what I’d make them do. But the laughter flared up again as Zach dug a finger into my ribs, and shoved my shoulders. I stumbled backwards, my face setting into a hard glare.

 “I’ll tell you what I know of war,” I hissed. I thrust my arm in their faces so they could see the burn scars on it “I got that saving Katniss Everdeen from the arena,” I told them. I showed them a scar behind my ear “I got that in hand to hand combat with a Capitol spy a few years ago, before this even began. A woman tried to infiltrate our walls. She would have reported our weaknesses to the Capitol. She caught me by surprise outside, and sliced at my ear. I defeated her and we took her to the court. She was later executed, and the Capitol had to give us compensation to keep the peace.” Finally, I showed them the scar of a bullet graze wound on my leg. It had been from a faulty gun, not an attack but they didn’t have to know that “An assassin from the Capitol who tried to kill me left me with this,” I lied smoothly “He was executed too. So that’s what I know of war. I know of pain and hard work and of death. Anyone who thinks they can do a better job of training, please, I urge you, try me on. Someone has to anyway. We’re doing hand to hand combat training today.”

 It took a moment before, predictably, Zach stepped forwards. He had a smug grin on his face, his muscled arms folded across his chest.

 “Bring it on,” he murmured.

 “Alright then. Step onto the mat. Watch carefully everyone. Zach, remove your shoes, please.”

 He, for once, did as I asked and everyone crowded around the large mat. I felt a tinge of nostalgia, remembering the last time Elliott and I had fought on the mat. I pushed him out of my mind. I couldn’t afford to be distracted. Zach may have been dumb, but he looked strong. I needed to take my own advice and have my wits about me.

 Without warning, Zach threw himself at me. I, in turn, veered left and while he was still moving, smartly stuck out my foot, tripping him head first. He held out his meaty hands to stop his fall and cried out in pain as his wrists bent the wrong way.

 “You’d be dead now if this was a real battle,” I pointed out.

 Zach swore at me, standing up and then spiting on the ground. He was clearly angry that I’d bettered him “You’re crazy!” he hissed “Just like that stupid, dumb brother of yours!”

 It was the final straw. All the rage and hurt that had built up over the past two days rippled through my body. Before I knew what was going on, my fist had slammed into Zach’s nose.I heard the others gasp as I shook with anger and Zach’s face became a blur of red. His nose was bleeding.

 “Rule number one of these sessions,” I snarled “You will not insult me like that again. I am a human being, and there is only so much of your shit I can take. Rule number two. You will try hard. Because if I see any one of you slacking, you’re out of the course. But Coin will send you out into the field anyway, and you’ll wind up dead. Which leads me to my third rule. You’ll try and listen. Hell, you will listen. Because believe it or not, I don’t want any of you kids to die. Enough of us are slaughtered by the damned Capitol each year, and I don’t want to see them take you too. Session over. Report back here tomorrow with a better attitude.”

 With that, I left the room, not looking back so they couldn’t see the tears on my face.

***

  When I got back to my quarters, I was greeted by my Mother, who folded me into a hug. She’d been by the door, waiting, as though she knew when I’d be coming back. She wiped the tears off my face maternally.

 Do you want to talk about it? she asked. I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to tell her about what they’d said about Elliott.

 OK she said but we still need to talk. About…about everything.

 I nodded, and wordlessly, we headed for her bedroom. I sat on the bed while Mother carefully closed the door behind her. The sketchbook lay open on the bed, but I resisted the urge to look at it. It felt like I was prying. But Mother had other ideas. She sat beside me on the bed, absent minded as she turned the pages.

 I loved him she gestured suddenly. I watched her carefully as she turned another page. The pictures so far had all been of her at a young age. In the pictures, she looked to be around seven or eight. People like to draw her I thought, remembering Eli’s painting too. Maybe because she was so beautiful. In the drawing, she was sat on a swing bench, a feather in her hair. In the present day, Mother smiled.

 Logan’s mother drew this one she explained I remember the day well. Logan had been so excited…we’d seen a raven and a feather had fallen from its wing as it flew away. I remember him bounding over to his mother in the garden and asking her to draw me. She said “Why don’t you draw her, Logan? It’ll be good practise. Mother smiled, shaking her head at the drawing And he said he wouldn’t do my beauty justice. That he wanted the picture to be perfect, so he could keep it forever. He stuck the feather in my hair and I spent the afternoon on that swinging bench. It was one of those days I would never forget. Nothing particularly amazing happened, but everything was good back then. It didn’t get much better than that. She wiped at her eyes, but she wasn’t holding back anymore, which I counted as progress. How I loved him. I still do. And I should have told you. But it’s hard to tell your daughter how you’re in love with a man who has been dead for over thirty years. And I couldn’t tell you because that would mean telling you that I never loved your Father the same way. But you already knew that…didn’t you?

 “I had a hunch,” I said quietly. I’d always known Father loved her more than she loved him. And I always thought Logan meant more to her than a friend. Mother was wiping at her eyes again.

 I love him, Karissa. I love him so much. I still see him. I still hear him. He’s never left me. Not ever.

 I watched the broken mess of my Mother sniff and turn another page I never knew he drew so many. I wasted so much time without him…

 Page after page of pictures followed. Most were of Mother. They got progressively better as young Raven got older, until the last picture, where Mother was seventeen. A quick sketch of her looking out over the fence.

 I think he drew that before the reaping. After he convinced me to stay. He must have drawn it from memory Mother concluded, sniffing. And yet, as she said it, it struck me how much detail went into the drawings. Though they were all black and white sketches, you could see the dark of her hair, the creases in her trousers, the shadow of her thrown across the grass. He must have watched her a lot. He must have loved her the way she loves him.

 Mother shook her head It’s not an excuse she said but that’s why I’ve always tried to keep my distance. I lost him, the way I lose everybody. Logan. Pandora, Arrian…Eleanor. Sweet Eleanor. Valeria. Everyone. So many, Karissa, and I can’t lose you too. I figured if I never had you, I couldn’t lose you. I thought the same for Elliott. But it hurts anyway. No matter what. I’ve watched him grow into a vicious young man that I can’t possibly love…and yet I do. Unconditionally. Because he is my son. Her gestures were getting more frantic and my eyes were blurred with tears. So I’m going to stop holding back, Karissa. My baby. You’re all I have left. And if I lose you, and your father, and Drew…there’ll be nothing left. I should die if I lost all of you. But I can’t keep living this way. Distancing myself from love and from trust. I never meant to hurt you, but I’m here now, Karissa. I’ll always be here…

 I held her close then and gripped her tight. I wept on her shoulder, and I felt like something missing had been replaced. I was still hurt. I’d still lost Elliott, and argued with Father, and maybe messed things up with Finch. But I’d had what was most important to me returned. My mother. When she pulled away, her eyes were red, but she was smiling. She touched my face lovingly and I felt fresh tears appear. It had been so long since I’d felt so loved.

 My beautiful girl Mother said I may harden my heart to everyone else, but I won’t harden it to you again. I swear. I love you.

 I pressed my hand to my heart. I love you too, Mother.

***

  I apologised to Father and he forgave me immediately, as I knew he would. But I still couldn’t find the courage to go looking for Finch. He wasn’t in the lunch hall, and as night fell, he still hadn’t returned. My parents, unsuspecting, went to bed. I would have spoken to Mother, but I felt a little emotionally drained and I think she did too. But as she went to bed, she kissed my cheek lightly and I knew things were changing for the better. I waited up a while for Finch to come home, but I figured I knew where he’d be, and if I was right, he wasn’t coming home any time soon. Eventually, I pulled on boots and a warm fleece and began the long climb up and out.

 I found him beneath the tree where we grew accustomed to sitting. His head was rested against the bark, and he was staring out into the trees. I could hear the quiet dripping of rain as I grew closer, and slowly, it began to drench me. By the time I had reached Finch, he too was soaked. He raised his eyes to me. I loved the way they sparkled when they saw me. How can I shut this boy out, when he keeps me so alive. Like the sparkle in his eyes.

 “Hey,” he said quietly.

 “I’m sorry,” I said in response “I’m sorry I was so cold. I’m sorry I ruined it all-”

 “You didn’t ruin anything,” Finch whispered. He stood up and came closer to me. I could feel his icy breath on my face “I knew from the moment I saw you that I’d fall for you. It hit me like a hurricane, Karissa. And nothing you can say or do will change my mind. I love you for your lion heart, your intelligence, your semi-present scowl. I love how you speak your mind. I love that you’re emotional. And I love that you’re the best damn thing I’ve ever had in my life,” he told me, his hands cupping my cheek “And damn it, Karissa. If you don’t kiss me in the next ten seconds, I think I’m going to scream. I love you, Karissa.”

 I pressed my lips against his desperately, standing on my tiptoes to reach his mouth.

 “I love you too. My blue haired boy,” I murmured against his lips. And for a moment, all the horrors of the day were forgotten. Because I found something that had outweighed all the bad in my life, that destroyed the hardened heart I'd inherrited from my mother. I’d found Finch.