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Chapter Quote:
"All I am is less than I was. And I can't ever be more."
~Bloodrose, Andrea Cremer
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Chapter 61

Caleb

I'd heard Elsa sneak out but when I saw her meeting Spencer near the gazebo, I resisted my urge to follow them and let them be. We had nothing to worry about now and they deserved a night to be truly alone with each other.

I woke up the following morning with Lily asleep on my chest. She'd always been the strongest emotionally between me, her, and Spencer. The only time I'd ever seen her get upset was when our compound in Canada had been blown to oblivion by the Hunters. After that I'd never seen her cry.

Not until last night.

We'd been getting ready for bed when I sensed she was distressed about something. I'd gone up to stand behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist, and something inside her shattered at the contact. She broke down crying as she circled around to face me so she could throw her arms around my neck. I didn't need to ask what was wrong. Mom had informed me that Lily hardly left my side to use the bathroom, let alone to eat and sleep. They'd all taken my predicament hard, but my wife the hardest of all. Add that on top of her beta being in a coma as well, and it was a recipe for a breakdown. I managed to lead her to the bed where she fell asleep crying on my chest. We had fallen asleep in that position and had woken up in that position.

I rested my head on top of hers, thinking about everything going on. It was weird being back home. The last time I'd been here, Hunter and I had been at each other's throats, Elsa had just been attacked by a mountain lion, Josie's hopes of being with Hunter were just a dream, and Noah and Ember had just started their flirtationship.

My room was unchanged, the only thing different upon arriving was that my bed was made. I'd never done that when I was living here. I never saw the point in making my bed when I'd just be messing it up later that night.

The house was mostly the same too. We had new couches in the living room, leather ones. Mom had probably gotten tired of getting blood stains out of fabric considering how often this family had horrendous injuries.

The formal dining room had been repainted a dark red instead of being a neutral beige, the office was now a pale yellow, and the flowers in the front garden had changed. The latter was nothing new though. Mom always planted new flowers every year when the snow was done. The garden in the front was tiny so it wasn't expensive to do. Even though I didn't have a green thumb whatsoever, I remembered always helping her plant them. I'd always been closer to mom than I was dad, and Hunter had always been closer to dad than he had mom. Elsa had been closer to dad when she was little and then had gravitated away from all of us after Anna had died. Anna had gravitated towards mom before she was taken, and Ember had always been in the middle between mom and dad. It was interesting to me how that all worked out.

"We should get up," Lily murmured.

"I don't want to go to another funeral," I whispered.

"Let's hope this is the last one we have to go to for a very long time. Will you be okay?"

"Yeah..." Kissing her on the head, I rolled out of bed to get ready for this long, solemn day ahead. I slowly put on my suit and tie, my body still severely aching with every movement I made thanks to my injuries. Lily slipped into a black dress that Ember had lent her since she didn't bring any with her. Although none of them thought we'd be here in the first place, going to a funeral for someone in our pack... I was lucky that the two pack members I had survived. I'd been with them so long now through so much that they were the most important people in my life, but that didn't mean I'd been desensitized to my original pack. I had never been super close to Barry but I'd always watched out for him because he was young and innocent and one of the nicest in the pack. He'd didn't have a mean bone in his body. We needed those kinds of people in our pack. Now the only ones left like that were Josie, Laurel, and Sebastian. All the others were either cocky, quiet, or had seen too much. It was the hazard of our life. We couldn't risk not being strong in fear of being killed. There was a reason we'd survived so long against Searchers and Keepers alike. Guardians were resilient, but sadly we weren't indestructible. Today was a grim reminder of that.

Lily and I met my family in the living. Hunter was sitting against the front door, staring off into space. He didn't even look up when we stood next to him. Ember stood next to him, head hung low, but unlike our brother, she glanced up when I arrived. Much to my surprise, she gave me a huge hug. We'd worked out our problems once I'd woken up from our coma but I hadn't expected her to get like this with me for a while. But I wasn't going to deny her a hug. Besides, I knew she'd been close to Sabine, even looked up to her for a lot of things, and I think it was because they were so alike, so this day was hitting her especially hard.

Elsa and Anna came down next. For once they weren't talking to each other as they came down the stairs. It'd been surreal seeing the two of them together when Anna came back from the dead, but seeing them in our house where this whole war path had started, was indescribable. All the Laroches were back together under one roof, as a family. I never thought I'd see this day come, but I'm glad it did. I just wished it hadn't happened under these circumstances.

"Everyone ready?" Mom asked, walking into the foyer with dad behind her. Mom looked tired and exhausted, but dad's eyes were bloodshot. I sometimes forgot Sabine used to be a Guardian, a part of my dad's old pack. She'd been the only one from his original pack that had been on his side after the war against the Keepers. All the others had joined Calla's pack. Dad held no grudges against any of them for doing so because he said he'd much rather have this life with us and mom than he would with his old pack, but he'd always treated Sabine, Ethan, and Kit like they'd been part of the pack when they came. Same with Connor and Adne. So like Ember, Sabine's death was particularly hard for him.

I offered my hand to Hunter to help him up which he took. He gave me a grateful smile. We gathered outside where the rest of the pack was waiting. Diana and Thea were sitting on the edge of the fountain. Diana's eyes were bloodshot from crying, but at the moment, she was holding the tears at bay. Thea had silent tears falling down her face. Riley, who was sitting next to her, would periodically wipe them off her cheeks. I wanted to say something to them because I knew what they were going through, losing a sibling, but I also knew nothing I could say would make any of this better.

Mom ordered for everyone to shift and follow her to our own graveyard. The last time I'd been there, I'd been saying bye to Anna's headstone before I ran away from home. I'm not sure if we all had the same idea or if mom and dad had told the pack to do this, but we all shifted into black wolves, even Spencer and Lily did.

Dom wasn't with us heading over there. He'd apparently left early this morning because he needed to discuss something with Babatunde. But he was meeting us at the grave site with the Searchers that would be arriving via portal. There was something going on between him, mom, dad, and Hunter, but whatever it could be, I had no idea. Unless he was planning on proposing to Anna or something... but even if that was the case, I'm pretty sure I'd be involved in that. So whatever it could be was beyond me.

We made our way down the hill to the secluded area we'd reserved for our own private, family graveyard. To our surprise, the Searchers were already there, dressed in all black for mourning. All us Guardians shifted into humans. Dom made his way over to Anna who gave him a hug.

We gathered in a circle and stared at the five white caskets that were suspended over five, eight foot holes in the ground. At the sight of Barry's casket, Dean and Casey broke down crying, as did their daughters. Someone grabbed a hold of my hand; I glanced down to see it was Hunter's. His blue eyes, the ones I'd ever only see angry or hard or wary, were filled with tears. I squeezed his hand. I don't know why; maybe I thought it'd comfort him, or maybe I thought it'd let him know I was okay with him holding my hand, or maybe it was because without me realizing it, I needed some comfort too because a knot formed in my throat, threatening to break. I glanced around and saw that we had weren't the only ones holding hands. Lily was holding Spencer's hand who held Elsa's who held Kit's who held Anna's who held Dom's. My eyes roamed over the rest of the pack to find that they had all linked hands. Connor and Adne were included in that. It was only when mom stepped up to give a speech that it was briefly broken.

"We've gathered here today to honor three special, incredible people. While not all the same species, they fought for the same purpose: to make sure all of us standing here now had a chance to live a normal life, one without having to run or fight from people trying to kill us. I speak for all of us when I saw we wish you three were here to celebrate that victory with us. Nancy and Derek, you were there with me from the beginning.  You were there when I was just learning how to be an alpha and you were there by my side during the first war.  You saw this pack evolve into what it is, and you played such a huge part in helping us exact justice on the Hunters when they killed half our pack.  You two may not have had kids of your own, but you treated all of ours like they were your own flesh and blood, and they would not have turned out as amazing as they are without the two of you.  Rest in peace, and say hi to our pack for us." She turned to Barry's grave." Barry Fray, you were a light in this pack. You were innocent and young and had your whole life ahead of you. And I-" Mom choked up, covering her mouth as she tried regain her wits. It took her about a minute or two but no one minded. Everyone was already crying at her words, especially the Frays. She finally continued on, but her voice trembled the rest of the speech. "And I am so sorry you lost your life in a battle that was started by us, a battle you and the other kids should never have been involved in, let alone known about. It never should've happened. The only solace we have in you being gone is that you'll be with the rest of our pack in Heaven, waiting for us to join you. Say hello to them for us and that we will see them one day. We'll watch out for your parents and your sisters, we'll take care of them and protect them like we were unable to do for you."

My mom shifted on her feet so she could face Ethan and Sabine's graves. Her face, even under her makeup, was pale. I wondered how she was going to be able to continue the speech. Dad, at this point, broke away from the circle and took her hand in hers. They had a quick, silent conversation before dad took over the speech while mom looped her arm around his and leaned into him, tears rolling down her face, although I don't think she even realized it.

"Sabine, you and I had a history long before this war happened, long before everything. You were my pack member. You were my best friend. We had our disagreements, but in the end, you always had my back. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have my wife by my side at this moment. You've saved my life and my family's lives more times than I can remember. Even though you were no longer a Guardian, you were still part of my pack and a part of us was always connected. You still called me when you needed advice, you still called to check in on me, even after I'd left Vail. You always made sure I was okay, and I hope you know I love those calls we had. I hope you know how much you meant to me as a pack member, as a friend, and as a family member. Rest easy, for we have eyes on Kit now. He, like you and Ethan, have and always will be a part of our pack. I love you."

Dad leaned into mom, jaw clenching and unclenching as he struggled not to cry. I knew my dad. He felt he needed to be strong for the rest of the pack. But one caress of the face from my mom sent him over the edge and he broke down. The tears in Hunter's eyes spilled over when dad lost his composure because like my dad, he'd been trying to stay strong for the pack as well. I think seeing dad lose it gave Hunter validation that it was okay for him to as well.

Connor was the last one to speak. Adne came with him but she was there for moral support because she was bawling her eyes out. Clearing his throat, Connor said, "Ethan, you were the brother I never had. You were my best friend and kept me out of trouble. Honestly, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. You were one of the best fighters in the Academy and the reason so many of them survived is because of your training. We'll continue your to fight in your name, and I will make sure your legacy will always be remembered. Adne and I have eyes on Kit now too. He has two families that will love and protect him as if he were our own son. So rest easy, and one day we'll see you on the other side."

After the speeches, some Searchers came to lower the caskets in their graves. Sam, Casey, Diana and Thea walked up, taking a handful of dirt and throwing it on top of Barry's casket. Kit did the same for Ethan and Sabine. One by one, Guardian and Searcher alike took a handful of dirt three times: one for Barry, one for Ethan, and one for Sabine. Once everyone had done so, some Searchers started covering the graves back up with dirt. Seeing this, Sam and Casey broke down crying which mom and dad hurried to hug and console them. Thea fell into Riley and buried her face in his neck. All I could see were her shoulders shaking up and down as she wept for the loss of her brother. Diana sank to her knees and started sobbing. To my surprise, Sebastian was immediately by her side, consoling her with his arms around her.

As if this day couldn't get any more depressing, it began throwing it down rain. It'd been in the forecast so we'd all brought umbrellas, but I'd been silently hoping it wouldn't. I opened mine to protect me from the cold drops that tried to pelt us.

Josilyn approached me, hair tied into a neat bun and wearing a black dress with a black blazer. She looked like the Josie I'd always seen, strong and poised. Maybe she wasn't physically strong, but what she lacked in physical strength, she made up for in so many other areas.

"How are you doing?" Josie asked.

"You'd think time away from the pack would've dulled the pain of the loss a little, but I think it made it worse," I admitted. "I never got to see any of my pack grow up into who they are today. The last time I saw Barry, he was climbing trees and dropping water balloons on his siblings. How are you holding up?"

"I did most of my crying last night, but I know it'll hit me again. It's been coming in waves, I guess. Hunter took it hard last night. We only got a couple hours of sleep. He has a meeting with mom and dad later. I don't know what it's about."

"They've been having a lot of those meetings haven't they?"

"Yeah, Hunter always seems happy after they have them, but I'm just wondering if it's really necessary to have one of those meetings today. He's really upset."

"I think it'd be a good idea for all us kids to spend the night together, like we did before the battle. Maybe hold it in my-" I stopped and corrected myself. "-in mom and dad's basement?"

"I'll spread the word. What time?"

"Let's say nine. I'll go into town and grab some snacks. Have everyone text me what they want."

"All right. And Caleb? It's still your house you know. You can call it your basement. I'll see you later. I love you." I returned the sentiment, and Josie turned around and walked off, heading over to Hunter who was talking quietly to Noah and Ember.

"You okay?" Lily whispered, resting her head on my arm.

"Yeah, but I'm going to wait for everyone to leave. I want to talk to Barry alone... there are some things I want to say to him but not in front of everyone."

"I'll try and see if I can start getting people to head back to the compound," Lily offered.

"Thank you," I said, kissing her on the head. She went over to the twins, Spencer and Dom, and I overheard her saying that she was going to make some tea for herself if they wanted to join. They all agreed. She started inviting others and one by one, the entire group, even the Searchers, headed up to our house. I lagged behind, staying at the back of the group, slipping away when I was sure no one was watching.

I made my way back to the graves. Despite my desire to talk to him, no words would form. Nothing seemed like it would suffice for everything they'd done. But finally, I said something, and all of a sudden the words just started tumbling out of my mouth. "I'm sorry, Barry. I'm sorry you didn't get to go to college or experience love or get married or have kids or travel to Russia like you always wanted. I'm sorry that you didn't get to live your life... I can't help but take some of the blame. Maybe if I'd stayed on instead of running away from my problems, maybe I could've found some way to save you. Maybe you wouldn't have been at that place at that time and you might still be alive... I know you always had a soft spot in your heart for Elsa, maybe you even liked her. But you were always nice to her. After Anna died, you treated her the same way you did before she lost her sister. You didn't treat her differently like the rest of the pack did, and whether you knew it or not, that helped her a lot. It gave her some sense of normalcy in that time. I just wanted to say thank you for that, and for keeping an eye on her after I left. Thank you for being the light in the pack in these dark times, and I'll make sure we always remember that light in honor of you."

I wiped my nose as it was severely running from the crying I didn't know I was doing. I hadn't wanted to cry outright in front of my pack because I felt that after everything I'd done to them, I didn't deserve to cry over a pack member I'd deserted. But I loved him, just like I'd loved everyone else in my pack. I missed all of them, and had honestly thought at the time that leaving was the best option for everyone. Looking back, I realized that was wrong, but knowing what I did now, I don't know if I'd change it. I couldn't imagine my life without Lily and Spencer, and I know Elsa couldn't imagine her life without Spencer anymore. But that didn't mean I didn't hold some regret, especially when it resulted in the death of a pack member.

"It's not your fault," Hunter said. "Just like it's not mine."

I'd heard someone approaching, but I hadn't expected to be him. "How much did you overhear?"

"None of it. I just know that look on your face. It was the same one you wore after Anna was killed. It wasn't your fault, but you thought it was. Just like now. You're also an alpha and any death of those underneath you, you feel like it's your fault. I know because I blame myself too even though I was on the other side of the building when he was killed."

"Our family has suffered enough tragedy and death to last a lifetime," I said. "We can't handle anymore."

"I know. It's why I've been having meetings with mom and dad so much. We were supposed to have another one today but Josie convinced me to cancel it. She made a good call. I can't focus on anything today. It's times like these when it really, really sucks being an alpha," Hunter confessed.

"We have the largest family. How we all lived... I'm glad I didn't lose any of my siblings. I've lost you guys enough."

"Even the brother that tormented you for years, blaming you for something that wasn't your fault?"

"Even that brother. I mean I nearly ripped your arm off and I left you the alpha of a broken family, so I've done my fair share of bad things too."

"I ran you off."

"I had a choice. I chose to run."

"You never should've have that choice in the first place, and I'm sorry. I don't want us to be at each other's throats anymore. I don't want to be fighting with the only brother I have. Noah might be like my brother, and I might call him my brother, but you are my brother. You're my brother by blood and I would be devastated if we lost you. I was terrified you weren't going to pull out of that coma."

"You weren't getting rid of me that easily," I joked lightly. "But for the record, I don't want to lose the only blood brother I have either. I have a lot of damage control to do, but I'm not leaving the pack without keeping in touch. Being back around all of you, it reminded me of how much I loved all of you. Staying in wolf form around you guys wasn't just to protect my identity... it was also a way of protecting myself from caring about you guys again because I knew if I let myself get close to you guys again, I wouldn't want to leave. And I have a nice life up in Canada with Lily and Spencer, but with Elsa dating my beta now and being back around all of you, my decision to move back got a whole lot more complicated. We're going to be here a while, so I have time to make my decision, but I want to make sure I make the right one."

"Why don't, tomorrow, you, me, mom, dad, Lily, and Josilyn sit down and talk things out?" Hunter suggested.

"That sounds like a plan."

"Good. Now what do you say we head back and spend time with the pack?"

"I think we need that." With that said, the two of us walked side by side back to the compound in silence. But unlike all the times before, this silence wasn't awkward. For the first time in a long time, we both seemed at ease in each other's presence, not feeling the need to say anything but not feeling uncomfortable by not saying anything. This was the first step of the long road ahead of repairing my relationship with my old pack.
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