A/n: deals with depression, suicidal thoughts. Mentions of past suicidal actions and self harm.

Dick POV:

I don't know how much longer I can keep going. How long am I going to feel this way, be this way. I want to be happy I do, it's just I don't know how to be anymore.

I want to disappear. To stop feeling this pain inside.
I'm not me  anymore. That person, that person I used to be is gone and I don't know why or how to get them back.

I feel unloved, unwanted, unseen,  useless, a waste of space, nothing, broken and worthless.
I hate myself. No one will ever love me....I'm not even sure anyone does now, or if they even care about me at all.

I don't think I have been truly happy after my parent's deaths. I have been happy here and there, caught glimpses of happiness, love, joy and hope but it all seems to fade away as if it was never truly real to begin with.

Deeper and deeper I fell within myself. Trapped in a darkness where I couldn't see out, see anything that could bring life back into my life.

I'm cold, paralyzed by it all. It hurts so much not being able to feel, to be able to be happy, to feel love.
My dreams have become dark from this depression I am stuck in.

Nightmares of ending it. I've lost hope and I've become numb inside.

Staring in the mirror at my broken self, realizing that even if I do get better, I find happiness again, I'll never be loved again. My body is covered in scars that I placed there.
Running my fingers over them brings back the memories, the sadness and the want to cut all over again.

To cut...to feel.

Sitting in my room, I think of all the hurt I've been through. All of the fights, heart break, the sadness, the lies, hurtful words said, and the tears.
Surround by loneliness, having no one there for you. No one who understands you. No one to hold you when everything feels like it is too much.
No one there to help you through the dark nights.

Having no one, makes you feel so alone, like no body cares and that you don't matter. That your existence doesn't matter that you have no place left with the ones that you love so deeply.

I think about the night I tired to end it all but stopped because of fear, fear of falling just like them but also fear of them hating me, for me failing them once more.

I feel like I am suffocation sometimes. That it hurts so much that I can't even breath.
I feel like I'm drowning now, not breathing while everyone stands around and watched me. None of them see my pain, not one is there to help me out of this mess that I've created, the mess that I'm stuck in and see no way out...no light or hope left.

I can't remember what it's like to not cry yourself to sleep. To everyone else I'm happy. I laugh, I smile, I brighten the whole room up but the truth is, I'm dying on the inside.
No one can see behind my mask.

I think to myself, how much more can I take? How much longer must I put up this act, to feel this way. A year? Ten?
I'm so tired. So very tired of it all.

I'm done.

No one will miss me. They have so many others, so many wonderful people in their lives unlike myself who is anything but wonderful.
I haven't been wonderful since the last time I stood next to my parents.

No one shows me that they really love me and why would they, I'm nothing.
I'm nothing to be cared about. Just some broken boy who grew up in a cold world after he lost his parents, his world...his light.

Bruce only took me I'm cause he felt sorry. I am a charity case but he doesn't need me anymore, he doesn't need me to be his son, he already has three now. Jason, Tim and Damian deserve someone much better than me. It hurts that I can't be what everyone wants or needs me to be.

I'm not enough. I'm not good enough and I won't ever be enough, I'll never be close to enough.

I'm so sorry to my family and friends.
I'm just so damn tired. So damn tired of it all. I want to cut, I want to scream out, I want to disappear.
But all I really want it to be held, to be cared for, to be loved once more.

But, maybe I'll never be loved again or happy. So what's the point of going on when there's nothing there for you?
Why keep suffering, why keep going through hell when you'll never find happiness. Never be enough.

I feel so lost and broke. I feel done like I've had enough.

I'm just tired.

But I mask it with, I'm fine.