🎧 - Lie Like This, Julia Michaels

"He says I'm emotionally sound,

emotionally fucked too,

now I'm all turned around."

September 2013

Louis wonders if somehow he manages to open the tiny window in the washroom he would be able to jump down five floors and escape.

But then he would die. And he values his life a bit more than metaphorically dying of nervousness.

See, here's the thing about Louis Tomlinson meeting Harry Styles.

As a Junior Station Manager, his job is to assist the guest and inform them about the segments of the show while putting his affective managing skills to work. So, yeah he has met some pretty celebrities who were upcoming artists then. Lewis Capaldi, Shawn Mendes, Ashe. He even has phone numbers of Shawn and Julia Michaels. Even if he feels a bit starstruck, he is pretty good at faking indifference. But it's Harry Styles. Louis is a big admirer of his work (and him, of course) and Louis isn't the most confident person ever even though he might appear to be. He is a follower of 'Fake it, till you make it' and the last thing he wants is to embarrass himself in front of Harry Styles.

Now, don't get him wrong, he would love to meet Harry. Yeah, like go watch him at a concert or meet him backstage (Louis has read way too many fanfics for his own good). But he didn't expect this. If he met Harry at a meet and greet or something, then Harry would definitely forget about him even if he says something embarrassing. He would be just one of the thousands of faces he sees every day. He would have time to think about what he wanted to say to him. But, here he is now, in the men's restroom, trying to calm himself down because Harry Styles is in the building and he really doesn't wanna fuck it up as it would then fuck Niall up and then he would fuck Louis up and he also doesn't wanna deal with the embarrassment. He takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

He is breathing in the same building as Harry Styles.

Louis hates Niall so so so much. He thinks he might puke and he really doesn't wanna puke on Harry Styles. Stop it, he tells himself. Louis is a big believer in professionalism. He is Louis freaking Tommo Tomlinson. He is great at his job and is extremely professional (yes, he knows he was late, stop dragging him). He doesn't need to be nervous. He has done this before so he is just gonna shut the fuck up and get his job done. After all, Harry Styles is just a human being like seven billion others.

So, with newly found confidence and one last look in the mirror, he heads towards the door and places his hand on the knob to open the door.

But as soon as he pulls the door, someone pushes it from outside with way too much strength - and, God why the hell are these bathroom tiles so slippery because the next thing he knows there is this stranger lying on the floor as Louis struggles to remain standing.

As soon as Louis gains his balance he looks at the stranger whose face is away from Louis as he stands up.

"Oops," Louis says as he moves forward to help him.

"Hi," The other voice says while chuckling and what the fuck, the voice is familiarly deep and the person is now facing Louis and holy mother of God, it's Harry Styles.

Remember what he said about Harry Styles being a human-like seven billion others? Yeah, just throw that bullshit out of the window because Harry Styles looks like way too good and smells way too nice to be anything but an angel. His curly hair is pushed back to a side as they fall on his shoulders. He is rocking tight black jeans with a navy blue silk jacket which goes really well with his green eyes which reminds Louis of a forest. Like if he makes a noise, it would echo and break the spell.

"You okay?" Harry asks and fuck, his voice is so deep in reality that Louis forgets how to talk. Or blink. Or breathe.

How do you breathe again?

Once he realizes that he is doing the same thing he promised himself he wouldn't do, he manages to utter out, "Yeah."

Harry smiles (and okay, Louis needs to stop looking at the dimples) and extends his hand out to Louis. "I am Harry Styles."

Maybe it's his humbleness or his obliviousness, but what makes him think that Louis doesn't know him? "I know, I- I mean, nice to meet you." Somehow, he finds himself shaking Harry Styles' hand.

"Nice to meet you. Now, I would love to stay and chat a little bit but I am pre-occupied with the reason I came here...", He trails off signalling towards the toilets.

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, yeah. Of course." Louis turns around and walks out of the bathroom.

I just met Harry Styles. I just met Harry Styles. I just met Harry Styles. I just met Harry fucking Styles. Louis steadies himself against a wall and rubs his hands on his face to calm his breathing and not freak out.

And suddenly, he smiles.

He met Harry Styles. Now, he just needs to not fuck up anything.

                             *****

Louis is standing out the door giving himself a pathetic pep talk for the last three minutes. On the other side of the door is Harry Styles waiting for someone who will assisst him to the radio room as he has been instructed to. Louis takes a deep breath and knocks because fuck it, Louis is tired of being nervous so he is gonna stop being pathetic and stick his nerves up his ass and do his job.

Louis can hear the door lock clicking open and soon, the red door opens to reveal Harry Styles in all his glory. His reactions change from intrigued to confusion to realization. With eyebrows raised, he exclaims, "The bathroom guy!"

Louis can't help but chuckle. He teasingly narrows his eyes at him and says, "My name is Louis Tomlinson, if you wanna call me that instead of the bathroom guy."

"Well, nice to meet you, Louis Tomlinson." That's all he needs to say to make Louis decide that he is the best, the most welcoming and most humble "celebrity" he has met.

The blue eyed lad fiddles with his fingers and says, "I am actually the Junior Assisstant Manager. I am supposed to assisst you to the studio and fill you on the segment, so shall we... ?"

Harry nods in affirmative before saying, "Definitely. I just need to put my shoes on so can you-"

"Yeah, I'll wait."

As Harry goes inside, Louis can't help but notice that Harry doesn't have his jacket on so his arms tattoo are on display. So, he stares at them creepily in the most non creepy way possible. It's a couple minutes later when Harry calls out, "Uh, Louis?"

"Yes, Mr Styles?"

"Just Harry please," He adds quickly, which makes Louis smile, "I need a bit of a help here."

Louis frowns in confusion and opens the door slightly to see Harry sitting on the couch with his shoes on but laces untied. "Yes, Miste- Harry?"

For some reason, his pale cheeks are coloured crimson red and he is rubbing his hands on his jeans. "I-uh, I don't know how to say this, I uh actually-"

"Do you need to go to the bathroom the last minute?"

He lets out a light chuckle. "No. I actually uh- Okay, promise you won't laugh."

And of fucking course, Louis laughs and says, definitely amused. "Okay?"

"You are laughing right now!" And Louis realizes how right people are when they say that Harry Styles is one friendly lad because right now Louis feels like they are friends when thet totally are not. It's basically like eating MacDonalds, you feel everything but nothing at the same time.

"Okay, okay, I won't laugh." He raises his hands in surrender.

Harry looks down like a child who is scolded with a sheepish smile, says, "I don't know how to tie my shoe laces."

Louis blinks. "What?"

Harry groans in embarrassment and puts his face in his hands. "It's embarrassing, I know!"

"No fucking way." Louis is trying so hard to not laugh in order to not break his promise. "How can you- you are twenty one year old and," Okay, Louis bursts out laughing which makes Harry groan further, "why did you take them off in the first place?!"

"I was just lying on the couch and I didn't wanna get it dirty." He exclaims, cheeks still crimson red contrary to his plain skin. And Jesus Christ, Louis knew Harry Styles was a charming lad but right now it feels like his heart is melting through his eyes because he looks so cute, his legs pushed together and a shy grin across his face with clear embarrassment. Talk about the tall bad dangerous boy turning out to be a cute little baby.

Shaking his head, Louis sits down beside the couch and moves to tie the shoelaces of the big sweet bumbling giraffe. "Thank you," Harry says, "I can't express how mortified I am right now."

"If it makes you feel better," Louis says, with a slight grin on his face and his hands working on the other shoe, "I have a fear of pigeons."

"What?!" Harry chuckles then sombers up and says, "I won't make fun of yours, if you don't make fun of mine."

Louis looks up at him and smiles. "Promise."

And that's how Louis Tomlinson meets Harry Styles.

The rest of the interview goes pleasent. Louis doesn't fuck anything up. Niall is hugely relieved. And Harry is, well, Harry. His charm wins every one in the office and Louis can't help but gawk at this amazing person with this huge personality. Well, an amazing person with a huge personality, beautiful eyes, soft curls who doesn't know how to tie shoelaces.

But that's Louis's secret to tell.

                            *******

"Oh, you are awake."

Louis says as he enters the hospital room. He smiles tiredly and sets down the sandwich on the table beside the bed. He drags the stool from the corner of the room and sets it behind the bed.

"I brought a sandwich in case you were hungry," He says as he takes her hand.

"I don't think my body will be able to take that in, Lou. You know that." Jay, Louis' mother, smiles tiredly at her twenty-three-year-old son. Her pale chapped skin contrasts with her bright blue gown as the glowing light from sunset rains down from the window. Her eyes are dull yet, somehow show the shine of life. She no longer has her brown hair instead her head is shaved. And no matter how happy Louis is today, he can't help but falter a bit as he sees his mother slowly succumbing to cancer and treatments.

But he has learned to fake a smile for his and his mother's sake.

"I said just in case, Mum. Do you not pay attention to your son or what?" He rolls his eyes slightly which makes Jay chuckle a bit.

"Oh, boobear-"

"Alright, alright," He cuts her off, slightly annoyed at the nickname but can't help and smile. "Now, did you take your medicine?"

Jay rolls her tiredly and Louis can clearly see where he gets his sass from. "For the hundredth time, I did. The nurses here never let me forget."

"Well, it is their job."

"Did you talk to Lottie?"

"I will in a bit."

She smiles with her thin chapped lips and raises her hand to Louis' cheekbones, lightly stroking it. "How have you been, Lou?"

"You just talked to me yesterday, Mum. I come here every day."

"I feel like I am not in your life as much as I should be."

"Yeesh, why so sentimental, woman?"

"Dying does that to you."

Louis frowns and says in a stern voice, his hands engulfing her small pale hand, "Nobody is dying anytime soon."

She just smiles sadly, her eyes glistening with slight tears so Louis just holds her hand a bit tighter because he doesn't know what to say. It feels like both of them have run out of things to say after five years of treatments, therapies, hospitals and hopeless promises. They came to know about the diagnosis when he was sixteen. Chronic lymphocytic leukaemia, Stage third.

From there started the cruel cycle of hospital bills and insurances, news of remission and heartbreak of recurrence. Louis left school and started working various jobs, some times three jobs a day for months. He wonders what did they do so wrong to deserve this because he just can't fathom the idea of his mum just not being... there. He understands why human beings entertain the idea of afterlife. It scares the shit out of him that someday he would call his mother and she won't be there to pick it up. The fact that she just won't exist in the same world as his is what keeps him up at night. He is afraid that someday he would leave the hospital and when he comes back, she won't be there. Death is that painful truth of a beautiful lie that Louis doesn't want to face.

"Your dad called."

Louis tenses up. "O-Oh?" People say you don't care about your parents marriage until one files a divorce and then it fucks you up for life. Home was never a safe space for Louis. The fights, the blames, the insults with a shortage of money and lack of understanding made Troy and Jay hostile to each other. Lottie's birth was a failed attempt at saving what had been broken years ago. But what made Troy hostile to Louis is probably even more complicated.

It wasn't a usual occurrence, you know. That his dad came home drunk. Yeah, he would leave for a week or so without telling anyone but he rarely came home drunk.

A two year Lottie was inside sleeping in Louis' bed while Louis worked on his homework. Or atleast he was trying to. His dad was sprawled on the couch beside him mumbling incohlerent words. Jay was pacing in the room angrily going on about how irresponisble he was being.

"The next time you do this, I am not letting you into the house. Do you get that? You are a father of two children for God's sake."

Louis wasn't sure why was he still sitting in that room.

Finally, Troy spoke, "You say that like I wanted them."

"What did you just say?"

"You heard me correctly. You always knew I didn't want this. Stuck with a wife and a child at the age of seventeen. But you still pretended for ten years like it was all okay."

"If you didn't want this family, then you should have just said so! I wasn't going to pressure you in that."

"You are lying! You knew I wasn't happy but you were stuck in your own little world with this baby-"

"You should've said so,goddammit!"

They had started screaming by then. It's like they didn't even notice there was a child sitting in front of them. Louis had gotten into the hallway to go upto his room in hope of blocking the sound out. That's when his dad said it.

"You want me to be honest?! Fine! I will be honest. Having Louis was the biggest mistake of my life! We both know we should have waited-"

"You can't pin it all on me just like that. And don't you dare blame our son.."

Louis quickly bolted the door and sat with his back against it. He breathed heavily. There was the sound of his parents screaming louder than ever and Lottie had started crying. He didn't have time to pity himself. He shakingly stood up and picked Lottie and rocked themselves back and forth.

There he was, backed up against the wall in the dark with his sister in his arms as his parents fought.

Louis was just seven at that time.

Sometimes, Louis would spend hours trying to just understand why his dad was the way he was. Maybe it was the fact that Jay got pregnant with Louis at seventeen and thus got married in hopes of gaining stability even though none of them were responsible enough yet. Maybe it was the fact that his parents had to give up their dreams and grow mature too fast for him. But no matter what excuse Louis makes up for him, he can't forget the annoyance Troy's face had whenever he would ask him to play. Or how he filed for a divorce within a week of Louis coming out at fifteen.

Louis lets out a shaky breath. "So, you guys have started talking, I assume?"

Jay nods. "We have been talking for the past three weeks."

Louis wants to argue that why didn't she tell him for so long or why was she even talking to him but he only manages to say, " Oh." When was the last time Louis saw his dad? He was twenty one, right? No, wait, he was twenty.

"He-he wants to come see me, Louis."

"Oh." Be supportive, be supportive, be supportive. He keeps chanting in his head.

Jay says cautiously, "If you don't want me to-"

"Do you want to see him?"

"Lou, I am asking if-"

He takes her hand and presses it to his cheek. "I am okay with whatever you want, Mum. He wants to see you, not me. It's your decision. "

Jay bites her lip and nods. "You are too good for us, Lou."

He smiles cheekily. "Well, I would be modest but I am not so keep the compliments coming."

Jay smiles, shakes her with fond and appreciation for her son and lays down. Louis thinks she is asleep until she mumbles, " It's been years, Lou. You should forgive him."

Louis doesn't point out that his dad never really did ask for forgiveness.

                             *****

"Oh, Lotts, you won't be able to imagine what happened today! I still can't believe it actually happened. I can't even describe how I am feeling right now-"

"Hello to you too, big bro." Lottie laughs as she adjusts the laptop screen. Her brown hair falls loosely on her sides and her eyes shimmer in the light. She is wearing a light blue t-shirt which looks to old to be wore on an occasion.

"Oh, well, hello. But as I was saying, I met Harry freaking Styles! Can you believe it?! Like, at first I was really scared-"

Lottie feels herself smile as she stares at his brother. It has been an year and a half since she has met him in person. Lottie is the living example of brains and beauty. That's why it was no surprise when she got a scholarship for a university in America when she was just sixteen.

"-and he was really good, you know. I was mad at Niall, first because he kept teasing me about how I am in love-"

"He is literally the only person I know who doesn't love him. I mean, you have to be blind not to."

"I know, right?! He says he doesn't 'get' his music which only proves he has no taste."

"Well, he has you as his best friend so I can't really complain about his standards."

"Haha, very funny. How is America treating you?"

When Lottie left for America, to say that Louis was worried was an understatement. He wished that he could have gone with her or give her more monthly expense but their situation didn't make it any easier and Louis felt like a shitty brother.

"It's okay. As always. How's Mum?"

"She's sleeping. She tends to do that a lot now." Louis forgets that how Lottie hasn't met mum for an year and a half. He can't even begin to imagine how tough t must be for her to manage in a new country by herself, without any family and friends. "Wait, let me show you.." , He drifts off as he adjusts the screen to Jay who was lying on the hospital bed sleeping and these different machines hooked to her. Just the sight of her make Lottie's eyes blurry with tears as she tries to hold them back. Oh, how much she wanted to be there. For her mum and her brother who had sacrificed so much for her.

"They...Oh God...they shaved her head, Lou. My Mum, she can't be-"

Louis turns the screen to himself and says, voice steady," Hey, hey-Lottie-come on, love. It has only been three days. She handled it like a champ. They have stopped chemo though and put her on this new medicine. "

"She is getting worse," She lets out a sob, her whole body shaking and suddenly the fear of not being there grips her as she realizes she won't even be able to say goodbye properly if something happened. After all, the worst goodbyes are the ones left unsaid.

"We can't give up now, Lottie. Mum has been fighting so hard. The doctors say she might have a chance. It's okay. We can get through this. " Louis gives her a reassuring glance which he has gotten way too much used to for his own liking.

Lottie tries to compose herself and says," You're right, Lou. She will get through this. She will." Though both of them know the harsh truth they aren't willing to face. Lottie looks at his brother. She wonders how many nights hasn't he slept properly. She looks down at her lap to keep the tears at bay.

Louis debates whether he should tell her about dad. But he decides against it as she has enough on her plate, right now. Instead, he smiles and says," So, are you coming home this year for Christmas?"

Lottie feels a strong wave of guilt and she says, " About that, Lou... I am really, sorry. I know I didn't come home last year too but it's just we get extra hours and it gives us a little credit and it helps us in nearing to graduation early."

Louis feels his smile falter a bit but it's back up. It's always back up. "Oh...it's fine."

"I am really sorry for your not coming on your birthday again-"

"Bitch, please. You think I won't enjoy a birthday without you? I have enjoyed sixteen birthdays with you and they are more than enough for a lifetime."

Lottie rolls her eyes. "Don't worry too much. I would probably send Niall your childhood photos-"

"Don't you dare-"

"Come on. It's your twenty-third birthday. I have to do something embarrassing. "

"Like getting me lingerie in front of all my friends for my eighteenth birthday wasn't enough."

"Oh please. You say that like deep down you didn't actually like it."

Louis feels blood rush to his cheeks as he exclaims,"Lottie!"

They both laugh and there's silence for a while in which Louis wonders if his little sister is alright. Lottie speaks in a steady voice, "You must think I am such a bitch for not helping you out with-"

Louis says jokingly," Hey, langua-"

She interjects in a wobbly voice," Let me say this. You have always been such a responsible guy, Lou. Whether it was when dad left," She takes in a deep breath," or when mum was diagnosed. You left school for us and worked so hard. I am really glad that things got slightly better when Niall helped but now you are there trying so hard to pay the bills and I am here doing nothing."

Louis scoffs, trying to keep his emotions under wraps. He says," You have been watching way too American dramas for being this dramatic. And since when did you start complimenting me? Are you drunk? Did you start doing drugs?"

"Louis, come on-"

"No, seriously. I am your big brother,Lottie. It's my responsibility to look after my family."

"I just feel so guilty for not helping you out-"

"And we both know I was never that good at academics anyway. You got a fucking scholarship ,Lotts. You have got brains and you went out there all alone and it takes a hell lot of courage to do that. So, now, the only thing I need you to do is sent me some gift which is not embarrassing or way too much American in any way, okay?"

She laughs and nods through her tears. "Okay, okay. And Lou, tell me you have actually gone home and not stayed at the hospital for a whole week, again?"

He gives her a guilty smile and says, "Does going to shower once in a couple of days count?"

She gives him a stern look and says, "Louis."

"In my defence-"

"No, nothing in your defence. Today, I want you to go home, shower, eat a proper meal and sleep in your own bed, okay?"

"Okay, mam." He gives her a mock salute.

"Yeah, yeah. Now, I reckon it must be eight at night or something there. So, you go sleep. Get that dirty face off my screen."

He rolls his eyes( his eyes are going to get stuck someday) and says, "Bye, Lotts. Love you."

"Love you too." She smiles sincerely at him before ending the video call. Sometimes, one smile is enough to express the love and gratitude you have for someone and Louis gets it. He really does.

Louis sighs and puts the laptop away and goes and sit near her Mum. He takes his fragile hand in her and runs his fingers across her knuckles.

Louis feels alone.

He feels alone a lot. Even though, he knows Lottie and his Mom and Niall, Zayn, Liam are there. When he enters his apartment with no one to talk to, when he just eat takeout in his car alone or when he would be crying into his pillow at night hoping he wasn't that pathetic.

Maybe he should convince Lottie to come home for his birthday. He doesn't think he can spend another birthday in his pajamas at home wrapped in a blanket with Netflix on. But he shakes that thought. That would be really selfish. Lottie deserves to get the best possible education and opportunities. There isn't anything more he can do for her. Moreover, plane tickets are really costly.

Birthdays are overrated, anyways.

He thinks about going to his apartment but he is so tired of the deafening silence in his place. He wishes he would have a roommate or even a pet. He shakes his head because well, more people are always trouble and looking after a pet is even more troublesome. He looks at the couch.

Hospital couch, it is