🎧-Peace, Taylor Swift

"All these people think love's for show

But I would die for you in secret

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?"

May, 2014

Being in love with Harry Styles, in the most poetic sense to Louis, feels like the rain.

He, more often than not, feels overwhelmingly drenched, the distinct scent soothing him and sometimes it hits him harder than it should. He oscillates between loving and hating it, between wanting to put on a raincoat and wanting to dance in the rain. That also means there are a lot of potholes filled with water which Louis frequently falls in.

Like right now, his arm is wrapped around Harry's long torso, his head falling in the crook of his neck, the green cotton blanket falling lazily on their legs as The Notebook runs on his screen and God, this feels so right. It makes so much sense. Things in Louis' life rarely do, but this does.

"We ended up deciding the location for our music video," Harry murmurs, his eyes set on the screen as he watches his favourite movie intently and Louis can feel his chest vibrate against his head.

"Yeah? Where is it?"

"Greece," He glances downwards at Louis, "I would have to go for a couple of weeks in the next few days."

Louis hesitatingly nods, trying his best to hide his disappointment behind a smile as he pats his chest. "Greece is so pretty. Well, or so I have heard," He says, pushing against his shoulder and getting up to go to the kitchen, the movie faintly playing in the background as he gets a glass of water. "Have fun, don't get drunk unless you can't handle it and preferably don't die."

"Yeah, well," Harry's face morphs into a smile as he sits up straight observing the blue-eyed boy, "I will try my best. I need to teach you how to cook before I die at least."

Louis scoffs, setting the glass down on the counter as some drops fall on his red shirt, the utensil clinking at the contact. "Don't be so egotistical, Styles. I am perfectly capable of making a meal as I did before meeting you."

"Last time I checked burnt omelettes don't count as a meal," He says teasingly as he stands up and covers the small distance towards the kitchen. 

"Excuse you, I told you I like them overcooked," Louis crosses his hands against his chest, his small petite figure looking adorable with an offended look on his face.

He is hit with Harry's infamous vanilla scent when the taller man puts his tattooed arms across Louis, his chest as close as ever to his, his long fingers holding his waist behind his back as his pink plump lips stretch into a small smile that makes Louis' heart skip a beat as he says, "Sure you do, babe. Sure you do." Their lips meet halfway as Louis' hands entangle and run across his jawline, standing a bit on his tiptoes and Harry's arms tighten around his waist as the kiss deepens.

He can't figure out what the fuck are they?

Because they can't be just friends- that line was crossed way too long ago. They can't be in a relationship because there are days when Harry is so distant especially after they have sex, that Louis can't get ahold of him for a couple of days. They can't be friends with benefits because you don't kiss your sex partner in the kitchen for no reason with no lust but admiration. He's too scared to ask Harry and too tired of picking up on mixed signals to figure out.

They part away, their breaths ragged and a stupid smile on their face as Harry crouches to hide his face in Louis' neck, basically clinging to him. The blue-eyed boy bites his lower lip trying to hide the grin threatening to break out before he says, "You are in quite a mood today."

Harry's voice comes out muffled but clear enough to cut through Louis' heart, "I wish I could take you with me."

And Louis almost says it. 

The words sit on the tip of his tongue weighing nothing less than the weight on his heart, asking to break free into actual words said out loud rather than just his thoughts. He almost says how he is so so so in love with this green-eyed curly boy. But he doesn't. Of course, he doesn't. 

Rather, he breaks away from the embrace, takes his hand and says, pointing towards the ongoing song on the screen, "Sing something, Styles. Let's dance." He says, his voice breaking the echoing silence.

His green eyes stare at him intently before letting out a deep chuckle as his hands find his waist again before pulling him close and singing along the song as he slowly spins the small boy in a circle. "You are something else, Tomlinson."

"Is that good or bad?" Louis asks, with a cheeky smile on his face, his mind reflecting back to the same conversation they had His voice- that Louis has always loved so much- echoes in the small kitchen as they dance side to side.

I see the missing pieces I'm searching for

I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound

More than a little crazy but I believe

He doesn't get an answer. He usually doesn't.

Sure, there is a braveness in laying out all in the open, being vulnerable and stripping yourself naked of all your feelings to him but as they dance in the kitchen, their voices and breaths mingling along with the song, Louis decides, some things might not be better unsaid but they can be felt and love comes in all shapes and forms.

I knew I loved you before I met you.

                                                                                  *****

"Okay, Louis Tomlinson, keep that phone down right now or I swear I will throw it out of the window."

Those words come out of not his mother's mouth, but Liam's as his brown eyes stare at the short boy with slight annoyance then continue to glance at the TV screen running the Star Wars marathon. "Yep, Louis. Don't ruin the Friday night just cause you miss your boyfriend," Zayn comments, settling down on the blue couch of their home- it being their turn to host the night. Before putting his phone away, Louis glances at his phone one more time slightly the last message sending a smile on his face.

Haz : The stars here are much brighter.

Haz : You would love it here.

"He's not my boyfriend," Louis mumbles, ignoring Zayn who makes sure to add a"yet" and continues, settling on the red bean bag and pointing towards the Irish lad sitting in the corner,  "And mum, Niall here too is busy on his screen. Why must I get a curfew?"

"Because," Niall drawls out, stretching on the couch, "you have been on that phone for the past hour or something and I am just going through our contract documents with a few labels."

"Last time I checked, stalking Kardashian's Instagram is definitely not in our documents," Louis comments, looking over his shoulder, cringing at pretentious pictures as Liam and Zayn laugh at the embarrassed boy who defends himself saying, "Hailee got me hooked on them. There's only so much a guy can do after watching 37 episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians."

"How's she anyways?" Zayn asks, getting the ice cream out of the freezer, wincing at the freezing cold feeling.

"She's good, working through the paid fashion internship at Zara."

Liam sits down beside the couch, a pillow in his hands held tightly, and asks, "How serious are you guys? You guys have been dating for how long now, five months, six-?"

"Is that what we are doing now?" Louis questions making a face, taking a spoonful of icecream and pointing towards the forgotten movie, "Discussing our relationships on a Friday night in our pyjamas with tubs of icecream?"

"Geez, it's like high school all over again," Zayn mocks in a shrill voice, his hand pretentiously on his chest.

"Gay," Louis deadpans.

"Says you," Liam rolls his eyes and Niall adds in with a teasing smile, "Help or I feel like I might develop a thing for penises too."

"Yeah, very gay."  

                                                                                        ******

The smoke floats up in the dark night sky leaving behind a white mist and the musty smell of the cigarette as Louis puffs in the silence of the balcony. The glass door slides open behind him and he turns his head to see Niall enter and join him. They stand in silence for awhile before Niall sighs and takes the cigarette outs of his hands, crushing it on the railing and Louis doesn't bother to protest.

"What time is it?" He asks, his voice coming out a bit scratchy- probably the result of the last four cigarettes.

"Three in the morning," Niall replies, leaning against the railing to turn and look at the Doncaster boy who asks about the other two, "Zayn and Liam are asleep in their room."

"Why aren't you asleep?" Louis asks.

"I heard you on the phone with Lottie," He says quietly, providing a comforting hand to Louis who sighs sadly, feeling the rush of sad emotions in form of tightness of throat and blurriness of tears. After the movie ended and Louis had resorted to sleeping on the couch with a very cuddly Nialler, he was woken up by a call from his sister.

Lottie sounded distraught, breathing heavy, voice trembling. The seventeen-year-old had had an anxiety attack in the middle of the class after her teacher had been inconsiderate enough to make an unnecessary comment on her weight in front of the whole class. She has already been on edge for the last few days after a very emotional call with her mum in which Jay had said that she wanted to start writing her will. Struggling with body image had never been easy for her- it got better but it was always something that was on her mind all the time- before she went out, before she got ready for a date, and now apparently when she was in a class.

Louis managed to calm her down, all the while feeling his heart growing heavier with her sobs.

"It kills me to hear her so sad," Louis says, with a slight tremble in his voice, "She's there, crying her heart out, thinking about school, and mum, and life- and I am helpless. Just hearing my little sister sobbing, so lost on what to do."

"Maybe she could come back for a year or so?" Niall says, "She hasn't been home in a long time. It might do some good."

Louis shakes his head in dismay, "She refuses to do so. I asked her. Said that it would put her all year to waste and she can't let me pay for that. A part of me thinks," He continues after stopping, hesitating to get the words out, "A part of me thinks that she doesn't wanna see Mum in that condition."

"Can you blame her, though?" Niall asks, rubbing a comforting hand on Louis's shoulder. "She's really young. She gained a scholarship through hard work and thought that this is where all the problems end. It must be hard to deal with the guilt of not being here but also to not have the courage of facing her family's condition."

"I know, I know. I don't blame her at all," He says, flickering another unlighted cigarette against the railing, "I just miss her a bit."

Niall falls silent, knowing there's nothing he can do or say to make things better. The feeling of helplessness dawns upon him and he just musters up enough positivity to wrap his arms around his best friend and hoping that it conveys the message that Niall is always there for him no matter what. 

Louis tightens his arms around the Irish boy, overwhelmed with feelings and says, "I love you, Niall. I know I don't say it enough but," He clears his throat as they part and continues, "I appreciate you, man. For putting up with me and all my shit through the years."

Niall lets out a light chuckle, patting his back. "I know I am great. But seriously, man, I am there for you. You are there for me. We both know that. It's been me and you for quite a long time." The elder boy smiles in agreement as Niall continues, "Ah, look at us. Crying over our great friendship at 3 am at the balcony."

"It really is like high school, huh."

"You and I remember high school very differently. Cause we used to cry over the loss of unasked prom dates and Titanic to make up for it."

Louis smirks teasingly, "And you claim you are not gay."

                                                                                               ******

Louis loves Harry. He really does. But he hates how distant he can get in no time without any explanation whatsoever. Or how he rarely gets any answer when he asks him about his whereabouts. There's only so much uncertainty he can tolerate, especially after seeing him three weeks later.

"Do you really have to go?" Louis asks, slipping his naked body into his boxers as he watches a shirtless Harry move around the room struggling to find his shirt which was hurriedly thrown around by the horny pair when Harry arrived at Louis' flat from the airport.

He also hates how he is always waking up to a cold bed after having sex with the man he is in love with.

"Yeah, sorry," Harry whispers, rummaging through the pile of clothes messily thrown on the chair. "We need to finish up with the final recording, Simon wanted to see me, a bunch of interviews..."

He's lying. 

Louis slightly gulps, dread filling his chest, the overthinking thoughts entering his mind telling him that sex doesn't mean anything to Harry and they both are in very different places as compared to each other and- "I just haven't talked to you properly in some time," Louis says, cutting off his negative thoughts and ignoring the fear of sounding clingy. 

Harry turns to him, the red shirt forgotten in his hands and stares at the small boy, eyes fluttering across his blue eyes he had looked into deeply before kissing, collarbones he had nibbled with love, torso across which he had run his hands. Guilt hits him knowing that Louis knows he is lying. Harry doesn't know why is he leaving in the first place.

He can stay. He should stay.

But something's just not right and Harry isn't brave enough to face it. Instead, he just puts the shirt on before sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning in to kiss the blue-eyed boy trying to signify a promise before parting away. 

His hand runs lightly across his cheekbones as Louis' eyes lower not being able to match his intensity, his heartbeat erratic. "How about I take you out to lunch this Sunday?" Harry asks, "I will arrange it, don't worry about security and stuff," He says as he knows Louis is about to interrupt him. "Sounds good?"

Louis smiles. "Sounds great."

                                                                                                      ******

"So, it's a date?"

"No, I don't think so?" Louis says, confused himself.

"So, it's just a friendly lunch?"

"Maybe? But I don't know."

"So, you still haven't asked him what the fuck you guys are?" Niall sighs, drumming his fingers against the Starbucks cup as he moves around his office, rearranging some papers and listening to Louis.

"Yeah, well, no." Louis sighs, setting down his bag on the office table and rolls his eyes at Niall's glare. "Look, I just don't know how to approach the topic, okay?"

"How about, 'Hey Harry, it's been a couple of months since we crossed the friendship line and do you care enough to tell me what are we cause I'm completely in love with you while you act like an insensitive jerk sometimes.' Sounds good to me."

"Oh yeah, definitely. Let me drop the love bomb and watch as the scared puppy runs and hides."

Niall lets out a light chuckle and says, settling down on his chair, "Seriously, Louis. It's been two months and I am pretty sure he likes you, okay? Atleast throw some hints around."

"I-well," Louis hesitates, "I don't know. I mean-, "

"You are scared," The Irish lad says as the realization hits him. "You are scared that this will ruin what you have and you would rather live with not knowing than living without him at all."

"I-yeah," Louis accepts, a bit embarrassed. "It's pathetic, I know. And I think he likes me too but I don't want to risk that. I can live like this."

"Like sometimes crying after waking up and seeing him not there? Or like hating yourself over every unanswered text?" Louis falls silent, his fingertips running across the leather of the chair as his thoughts grow to be messier. Why is this so hard? People aren't afraid of love, they are afraid of heartbreak but why?  Does love even have to go through obstacles to feel real? "Talk to him, Louis."

He sighs, "I should, shouldn't I? It's about time," 

"Yes. And look whatever is the outcome, it's for good, okay? If he feels the same way, amazing. If he doesn't, then you deserve way better than someone who is only halfway there."

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey, guys!! This was long overdue. Soooo sorry for making you guys wait. Just a lot of stuff regarding exams and family. Hopefully, this chapter was able to meet your expectations. Feedback is always appreciated :) Comment what you guys would think might happen in the next chapters.

Take care of yourselves. Be kind. To others and most importantly, to yourself.

Love,

Grace.