🎧-Everything I wanted, Billie Eilish

"If I knew it all then would I do it again? Would I do it again?

If they knew what they said would go straight to my head? What would they say instead?"

March 2014

"I am gay."

Louis' first instinct is to laugh because come on, it has to be a joke. There is no way that out of all people, Harry is gay as he obviously has a girlfriend. So, he laughs. Almost.

But then he stops because wait, something doesn't fit right. Harry's voice doesn't seem like he is anywhere near joking. Louis thinks back to all the times when he mentioned the term 'girlfriend' to Harry and how Harry looked uncomfortable whenever he did that. And the only time Tessa and Harry showed any PDA was at the party when they were in front of people. Except that, Harry never mentioned Tessa or never when Louis was with Harry did he receive a call from his girlfriend.

He freezes and his hands stop brewing coffee because fuck, Harry Styles is gay.

Harry is gay. Gay is Harry. Gay people like boys. Harry likes boys. Harry doesn't like girls. I don't like girls either. I am gay. I am a boy. Harry likes boys. Maybe he likes-

"Cool." Of all the responses in the world, that's what he squeaks out.

Harry blinks, nervousness evident in his green eyes and his shaking hands clutching the corner of the counter. "Cool?"

Louis clears his throat and turns to face Harry. He can see how nervous Harry is which makes him think how he could have come up with a better response. But in his defence, he is still trying to process this piece of information. This very very pleasing piece of information.

"I mean...yeah. Cool." What the fuck, Tomlinson?

The green-eyed boy lets out a breathy chuckle. "I just came out to you and you reply with 'cool'?"

Louis tries to laugh which comes out as a pathetic chuckle because there are so many questions running through his head. "Well, do you want me to throw you a 'coming out' party and invite the whole neighbourhood?"

Harry's eyes widen as he feels his heart rate fastens, quite ridiculous because it is clear that Louis is joking. "What? No! No one can-"

Louis raises his eyebrows. "....or no party I guess. I am kidding. I would never tell anyone without your consent but-" He lets out a nervous chuckle rubbing his hands together, not knowing how to ask something or make him feel comfortable, "but Haz, I don't-I don't understand."

Harry bites his lower lip, glancing down at the white tiled floor, sadness evident in his tight voice. "Sometimes, neither do I."

*****

Harry was never the one to not care about what other people thought of him. He wanted to be. But he wasn't.

Holmes Chapel was not one of the most accepting areas. When Harry was little, he liked the colour pink better than blue because to him it was just more pretty. In fact, he hated the idea of having a favourite colour because to him, all colours were just so pretty. It didn't seem weird to him. Just like the fact that he liked the vibrant colour of painted nails or flowers didn't seem weird to him.

But to others it did.

It was different. Why would a boy like makeup? Why would a boy like flower crowns? Why would a boy like things that other boys didn't? It was just... weird. Maybe that's why they didn't like to sit with him at lunch. Maybe that's why they didn't invite him to birthday parties. But it's not like that Harry cared. He was just a small kid then. There was nothing in the world that some ice-cream and a Disney marathon couldn't fix.

It was towards the end of middle school when things started to get tricky. When Harry was fourteen, he found out he liked kissing boys way more than girls because of an awkward game of truth and dare. By the age of fifteen, the whole school knew he liked kissing boys more than girls because of Alan Spencing who was cruel enough to play a joke on Harry.

High School was tough. Harry didn't really blame anyone who didn't want to be friends with him or anyone who wanted to be 'friends' with him but would ditch him the first chance they got. In high school, everyone wants to fit in but still stand out so Harry understood. Besides, it's not like Harry was the only one to go through it. There were many people like Harry, who had been proclaimed as "weirdos, outcasts, loners" by the ones who always fit in, so one would think that they would stick together. They didn't. 

Harry sure had acquaintances. But not friends.

When Harry applied for X-Factor, it was because his Mum encouraged him. When Harry almost didn't go for his audition because of his step dad's death; it was, once again, his Mum who knocked some sense to him.

Suddenly, it was all different.

People liked Harry. Like actually liked Harry which was new to him because, in his earlier experiences, not many people liked Harry. After Harry won X-Factor and signed the contract with Simon, he decided he was not going to screw this up. This wonderful amazing thing would not be screwed up by him at any costs.

In eighteen years of his life, Harry had not had any experience in his sexual or romantic life. But he knew he was gay. Nobody else knew. Or well, he thought so. Later on, when he once went out with Kendall Jenner on Simon's word his Mum and sister had called him saying, "Aren't you gay?"

Harry's intention was to never tell Simon. Simon seemed so accepting at first but Harry soon knew better when hushed whispers of gossips would enter his ears or when he would tell Harry to stick to the tight black jeans and tank top rather than the flower designed shirts he liked. But when Simon came to know about him being gay, it was as if Harry had ruined what could have been an amazing artist journey. Simon listed all the reasons why he couldn't come out ranging from the statistics of sales of gay artists to the public reaction.

Then, who was Harry to deny the numerous 'dates' Simon set for him? Who was he to go against a contract that was cleverly modified without him knowing? Who was he, just a young boy of eighteen, to go against Simon and ruin his new hopeful career?

*******

"That's bullshit, no." Louis shakes his head and stands up from the couch where he and Harry had been sitting and talking. The younger boy watches him pace around the room while he tries to keep his own tears at bay. 

"He can't do that. That's illegal!" Louis exclaims, clearly unhappy with the situation, his arms across folded across the chest just so he had something to hold unto. He feels anger bubbling in his chest, processing all the information Harry has just given him.

"I signed a contract, Lou," Harry replies in a shaky voice, throat tight and arms tightened around himself.

"Fuck the contract! This is... This is wrong. And unfair. And cruel." The blue-eyed boy runs his hands frustratingly through his messy hair, frustration taking over his emotions at his helplessness. "Harry, there has to be a way out of this. Any loophole. You should get in touch with a good lawyer that doesn't work for fucking Modest!"

Harry bites his lower lip and looks at his hands. "I don't know, Lou... I just-I don't want people to hate me."

Louis' heart breaks at the way Harry's voice wobbles towards the end. He feels so angry at Modest and Simon and even himself. Not only as a fan but also as Harry's friend he is disappointed in himself that even after knowing Harry for so long, he didn't have a clue about what he was going through. He goes to Harry and hugs him tightly, bending over the couch, overwhelmed with emotion. 

His own life flashes before his eyes. Every snide comment he received, every side-eye he got, every instance where he could feel the prejudice pouring through people's skin. All the horrible stories of hate crimes he had heard and the day his father decided that he had had enough of his own son. But he knew he wasn't wrong or disgusting, not in this case at least. "They are wrong, Harry. There are people who love you and support you and don't care whether you are straight or gay or bi. It doesn't- it doesn't matter."  

But it does matter. To Harry at least. It matters a heck lot.

And as Louis' lavender scent engulfs him tightly, he just buries face in the crook of his neck, finally letting his tears fall. He can't say for sure if he did the safe thing telling Louis but he does know he did the right thing because dear god, even if he is terrified right now, it feels good that he let that out. It feels new, everything about this feels new. To tell someone is so new. To trust someone like this, after ages, is so new. Louis is so new to him. And he loves every bit of it.

Louis doesn't know how long they stay like that. With Harry's tears wetting the back of his shirt and Louis' hand rubbing his back. Maybe it was just a minute or two. But to him, it feels a lot more. More than words can decipher. Harry slowly lets go of him, cheeks red and stained, eyes wet. He feels the blue eyes on him, filled with worry and sadness as he wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand. Finally, Harry breaks the silence, voice hoarse and low after taking a deep breath, "It's okay."

"No, it's-"

"I know. I know. But you have to understand. I have been stuck in this mess for five years. It- It's gonna take some time. I need some time." And for one moment, he isn't sure. He isn't sure whether he is talking about coming out or something else. Louis just nods weakly and stands up to get that forgotten cup of coffee for Harry just as an excuse to take a deep breath to calm himself because he can feel Harry's touch all over him. As he hands the warm mug to Harry, he tells himself to calm his nerves- and his feelings, and just to focus on Harry.  "How did Simon find out anyway?"

Harry takes the mug and stares at the white and black layout as he is engulfed with guilt. He should have been more careful and responsible. Maybe then Simon would've never known and wouldn't have to deal with all this mess. He shrugs weakly. "As I said, I don't deal with alcohol well. And a need to get laid makes you reckless." Louis' lips part slightly in shock as he takes a sharp breath. Harry lets out a forced chuckle. "It's not an ideal way to lose your virginity in a gay club at the age of eighteen when you are drunk."

No matter how much he laughs about it, it still pains him after all those years. So many years, he spent imagining the perfect first time but he just had to throw it all down the drain. He was so frustrated that day. It had been years of hiding who he was and he just needed some sort of relief. When he woke up next day naked next to a complete stranger, who was a man, he panicked. He was so disappointed in himself. He thought he had taught himself enough control over all these years. He had managed to not tell a single soul about it. And now just because of one mistake, he needed to tell Simon so he could handle the situation.

Harry was never more scared in his life. Simon was furious. Furious that Harry didn't tell him in the first place, furious that he just had to be so stupid to go get drunk in a gay club, furious that Harry was gay. Nonetheless, Simon did his work brilliantly. Not even a single word about Harry ever being at a gay club got out. The stranger signed an agreement to shut up in exchange of some money which made Harry feel so dirty because the act felt like nothing less than prostitution.

Louis might as well cry now. Sure, his love life had never gotten anywhere but at least he lost his virginity to someone he loved. Or well, at least thought he loved. But then there is Harry. He can see how much it affects him. And he wants to say that it was not his fault, that he made a mistake and it was okay, that the fact he was gay didn't change anything.

But he doesn't.

He can see how Harry definitely does not want to discuss that in any way. So, he just gulps, building up the courage and holds one of his hands to provide any sense of comfort which is gladly accepted. He traces one of his many tattoos and in the most random way possible notices how Harry's hands are so much larger than his. Then, in a tight voice, asks, "Where does Tessa come in?"

Harry takes a sip of coffee, the warm liquid pleasing his throat, (Author: Get out, you dirty minds) and then says, "Simon contacted her eight months ago. While some girls were just supposed to show up for one or two dates, she was the third one after Kendall and  Camille who was supposed to "date" me for a long term relationship."

Louis frowns ever so slightly. Sure, Simon was the one who set up the contract but Tessa should have denied. She should have said no knowing what Harry must be going through. Noticing this, Harry says, "It was not her fault. Back then, she was just an upcoming model and no one wants to get on the bad side of managements. There is...no really black and white. It is a lot of grey area in this industry. You take a step to get you forward but if you don't do anything, no one takes you seriously."

Louis says quietly, his hands still holding Harry's hand, "Then, the industry is pretty fucked up."

The green-eyed boy musters a small smile. "Isn't the world too?"

*******

"Now, you salt it up from the other side."

"No, Louis, the other side."

"That means you have to flip it, silly."

If you haven't figured it by now, Harry is teaching Louis how to cook. Or well, trying to. Now, Harry is not saying that Louis is a bad cook. He is just... real messy, tends to mix up unnecessary things, apparently can't tell the difference between salt and baking soda but he is not bad. Okay, so maybe he is a bit bad.

Louis pouts and glares at the pan in front of him. "Cooking sucks."

Harry lets out a low chuckle and jumps down from the counter, taking over the job as he grabs a wooden spoon. "Well, food doesn't turn edible itself."

"It definitely should."

"Now, now let's not throw shade. Can you grab me that plate from the top shelf?"

Louis rolls his eyes and turns to the brown shelf. He tries to grab the plate but frowns since he can't reach it. He stands on his tiptoes, his purple shirt sliding up a bit and his tongue pokes out a bit as he frowns in concentration. He hears a chuckle from behind and he feels Harry come up behind him and his breath hitches. Harry's body is almost touching his as he reaches for the plate and his one hand settles on Louis' waist.

Something has changed between them.

Since that day, two weeks ago, something has changed between them and Louis likes to believe it is for the better. Harry would come over to his more often. They would talk on the phone more often. When they couldn't they were texting each other constantly. Harry even met Niall, Liam and Zayn for which Louis was really nervous about as he didn't want to be embarrassed. But nonetheless, it went great and Louis couldn't stop smiling at the fact how much his friends liked Harry. (Liam almost had a stroke when Harry showed up but oh well.) Louis managed not to tell Niall about Harry's sexuality which was very difficult since Louis is physically incapable of keeping a secret from Niall.

Though, Louis likes to ignore it.

He likes to ignore the way Harry's hands somehow always ended up on his hands. Or his waist. He likes to ignore the way they would end up sleeping on the couch touching very little but enough to drive Louis mad. He likes to ignore the way his heart flutters when Harry touches him or the way his chest feels heavy when he sees a picture of Tessa and Harry kissing on the cover of a magazine.

"Don't laugh at me, you giant. I will tear you to shreds." Louis moves away from Harry ignoring the way how he can still feel the warmth of Harry's hand where he had touched him-see, he just overlooks it all the time.

Harry rolls his eyes playfully and moves to the kitchen counter, holding the plate. "It's hard to be scared by a hedgehog."

Louis' eyes widen and he scoffs, hands on his hips against the fabric of his black sweatpants. "Did you just- of all the things in the world, did you just call me a hedgehog?"

"Well..," Harry smiles sheepishly, "You are small-"

Louis groans.

"-and you get all prickly when you don't get attention-"

"I am letting you in my home. Be a little nice."

"I am feeding you so."

"What-ever. We get the point." Louis mutters, "You big bumbling frog. I liked you better when you were all shy and not sarcastic."

The younger boy sighs dramatically, hand against his white polka dot shirt. "What can I say? You are a bad influence."

"I don't see how that is an insult."

"Of course you don't."

Louis just sticks his tongue out at him and sits on the counter with a little jump. He can't help but observe the way Harry's hair brush against his slightly sweaty forehead as his hands work on the cutting board, his forearms on display and his green eyes concentrated. He notices how evident it is that Harry loves cooking. Is there a reason behind it? What more talents does he have? What shaped Harry to who be who he is today? Louis just bites his lip and looks away and suddenly this wave of sadness hits him. He wants to know every bit of Harry, his past, his wishes, his fears- everything. But he won't. Not like the way he wants. He is going in too deep. Too many emotions. Too much at the line-

"So, do you like to work at the radio station?"

Louis blinks out of his trance. "Huh?"

Harry shoots a quick glance at the sizzling pan and looks at him with a raised eyebrow, his green eyes filled with curiosity. "Do you like your job? I mean you work at a radio station, that has to be fun."

He bits his lower lip thinking about it and says, "It is... alright, I guess. I mean, it is pretty cool and I am very happy Niall helped me out but I won't say that it's my favourite job out of all the jobs I have done."

"Geez, how many jobs have you done?"

"Let's see. I have worked at a cafe, a library, modelling, daycare, car-wash centre, an artefact store and a flower store."

Harry turns to him with a shocked expression to which the elder boy rushes to explain. "I mean, I needed the jobs. You know, money needs and all."

Louis gets a comforting smile and green eyes filled with amusement. "Well, any of them you actually liked?"

He replies shyly, running his hand through his hair, "I-I, when I think about it, I quite enjoyed modelling."

He actually loved modelling. He was a freelancer and just moved from one company to other-anyone who would like a few of his pictures or wanted a low-cost model. He could never get enough of the cameras, the outfits, the whole energy the set offered. A full goofy grin covers Harry's face. "Really?! Do you have the pictures?"

"I mean, yeah. I have some of them stacked in my bedroom."

"Great! Show me."

Louis blinks. "What?"

"I want to see you as a model!"

"Nope."

"Please, come on."

Louis shakes his head. "It's not happening. Don't bother."

Harry pouts and Louis internally coos at the sight. "Why?"

"I just-...I don't know."

"But-"

"Next time, alright?"

Harry sighs, moving to adjust the heat on the pan. "Fine."

They sit in silence for a few moments as the smell of spices surrounds the kitchen and then Harry says, "So, have you only worked your whole life or have you ever given time to something else? What about relationships?"

And Louis almost lies.

But, then again, friendships don't build on lies and lies don't provide a base to trust. So, he says, "I have had two boyfriends before."

Harry throws him a cheeky smile. "Hopefully, not at the same time."

Louis shakes his head and laughs at the irony. "It wasn't me who had two boyfriends both of the time." And he wishes he hadn't said that cause Harry has stopped chopping the carrots (Harry had suggested they were essential much to Louis' dismay) and is looking at Louis with a concerned expression. The green-eyed are filled with concern as Harry takes a deep breath and says, his voice a bit choked up,"They-They cheated on you? Both of them?"

Louis lets out a forced laugh. "Pretty bad luck, if you ask me."

Harry just shakes his head and turns to the carrots but Louis doesn't miss the way his eyebrows are creased and his body is all tense. "It's alright, Haz. I mean, it hurt, yeah. But I don't blame them. I get it why would they want to-"

"Don't- don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Talk low about yourself." Louis stops short as he stares at Harry,  his blue eyes filled with nervousness. The taller lad takes a deep breath, his back towards Louis and says, "I don't know if you have noticed or not but you do that a lot. And I don't- I don't like it."

Louis parts his lips in surprise. "I don't mean to-"

Harry sighs frustratingly and turns towards him. "I am sorry. I know it's not my place to say but you deserve a lot more than you think you do. And it hurts me to see you putting yourself down constantly. You are a great person, Louis. I hope you can see that."

Blood rushes to Louis' cheeks and he looks down, his hands nervously picking at his nails. Harry is too good to be true. He takes a sharp breath, processing his words. Louis has been made aware of the fact that he is too hard on himself by multiple people- his friends, his mum and Lottie but it's not something Louis has given too much thought. And maybe Harry is just overanalyzing things but Louis loves the fact that Harry actually cares. He says quietly, passing over a small smile, "Thanks for saying that." Harry returns the smile hesitatingly and gives him a comforting glance before returning to the cutting board.

And Louis shouldn't be doing this.

He shouldn't be letting Harry in. He shouldn't be letting his feelings take control like this. A guy he likes who is a famous singer and amazing and kind and not bad in any way and Louis doesn't stand a chance with him? A recipe for heartbreak.

"Hey? You wanna see those modelling photos?"

But, oh well, what is life without a few heartbreaks and pain?

******

Readers : *glare at the author*

Author : I am... Sorry?

Readers: *Still keep glaring*

Author: I know. I know. I haven't updated in a while. Something happened.

Readers: What happened?

Author: *looking at the sea* Life. Life happened.

Readers: .....

Author: Oh, well. I had the biggest writer's block ever. BUT I AM BACK!

So, I apologize for such a late update. If you are still sticking by this story(even though there probably are only three people who read this), then thank you so much. I will try to update more. Probably weekly.

Thank you so much. xx