chapter nineteen
a scab picked too many times

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The first thing to register in her mind was a cold touch gnawing at her bare skin. She was used to the heat. Her bloodstream was poisoned with ashes from the wildfire burning deep within her chest, and those flames licked the epidermis of her skin, singeing the hairs. But this . . . this was different. The cold which she felt swallowed her whole, sending shivers down her spine. Her eyes fluttered open a second later as she glanced around her room for the source, only to find the side of the bed next to her was empty. JJ had left. Granted, the darkness of the night had engulfed the whole island, so maybe he just left to go to John B's or something. But . . . the thought of JJ just leaving in the middle of the night without waking her made her stomach churn.

          She blinked at the vacant side of the bed, then propped herself up on her arms. Her thoughts became the best of her as she stared at the blank spot. She thought of all the reasons as to why JJ had left without waking her. She thought maybe she wasn't good enough. She never had been for anyone else. Everyone always left her. Maybe JJ decided it'd be best if Izzy Windsor wasn't in his world. Maybe he didn't mean those things he had said to her. Maybe it was just an act. Everyone always put on an act when Izzy was involved.

          Her eyes pricked with tears at the thought of him leaving her too. She didn't care if pretty girls didn't cry. She was so sick of that notion. It was stupid . . . and she felt stupid. But just as she was about to let a tear slip down her cheek, she caught sight of a note resting on her bedside table. Her chest inflated like a balloon with hope as she quickly tugged on the crewneck sweatshirt she was wearing earlier and hopped out of her bed. She reached the bedside table and grabbed the note, then quickly scanned it with her eyes.

You looked so peaceful
so I didn't want to wake you,
but I'll see you tmr (I hope).
I had to take care of something.

— JJ

          Izzy blinked at the piece of torn paper in her hands and furrowed her brows as she read it again and again until the words were inscribed in the meaty matter of her brain. Her mind eased the more she read it as she realized he hadn't left her. She wasn't the problem. But dread consumed her a second later at the questions swarming her brain. She couldn't help but wonder what exactly made JJ leave. She wondered if John B or one of the others came by the estate with urgent news. Maybe they were in trouble. Izzy's heart sunk. Maybe they were in trouble.

          She couldn't help but imagine all the possible scenarios that could have happened. She thought of her mother. It always came back to her. Sometimes Izzy thought her mother's death would always have this hold over her. And she tried to fight back her thoughts, but they kept seeping back in. One second she saw her mother's corpse, then the next she was imagining a world where it was her friends lying lifelessly in caskets. She couldn't have that. She had to find JJ and make sure his heart was still beating. She couldn't handle anymore deaths. She already had enough ghosts.

          And in the matter of a few seconds, Izzy had tossed the note aside and grabbed her spandex shorts from the floor and slipped them on. She didn't even bother to grab her phone before she barged out of her bedroom and ran down the staircase leading to the front entrance. She knew realistically if JJ was in trouble, he'd go to John B. He'd always go to John B's house. That was their home. It was where they felt at home; where they felt safe. So she had to try there first, and if he was nowhere to be found . . . well . . . she didn't know what she'd do. But she didn't let herself think of the negative outcomes, instead, she grabbed her car keys and walked out of her house, heading toward her Mercury Comet convertible.

          The world passed by her in a blur as she slid into her convertible, started the engine, and took off down the main road, driving toward the Cut. She was sure her makeup was smudged and she probably looked like an absolute mess, but she didn't care. She barely even felt her heart beat in her chest as she sped down the road. And only when she caught sight of two figures standing beside a teal truck parked outside of John B's house did she finally let herself breathe.

          Her convertible barely even came to a full stop before she tore the keys out of the ignition and hopped out, frantically walking toward the figures with her Birkenstocks slapping the ground with vigor. Her breaths came out sharp as she blinked and recognized the two figures as Kiara and Pope. "Guys!" she called out, but her voice was hoarse. It didn't sound like her and she felt nothing like herself.

          Kiara tore her gaze from Pope and glanced over her shoulder with her brows furrowed low on her face. She blinked at Izzy and slightly tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Izzy? Is that you? I thought you went home . . . " she trailed off, her words wrapped with a questioning undertone. "You know you didn't have to come until tomorrow. Pope and I had it handled."

          Izzy's brows pinched together. "What?" was all she muttered out as she stopped before them. She didn't remember what they were talking about. She racked her brain for an answer, until she remembered she briefly heard the others talking about a way to get the rest of the gold on the drive back to John B's earlier in the day. She hadn't really been paying attention, and right now, she didn't care. Her friends were safe, but JJ was still missing and her heart hadn't stopped pounding in her chest.

          As Izzy's silence screamed throughout the air, Kiara glanced at Pope with a questioning look. The boy only shrugged and looked back at Izzy with concern written across his face. Kiara turned back to look at her as well and snapped her fingers in front of her face. "Well . . . now that you're here you can help with Pope's set up," she said, her voice hesitant. "I think—"

          Pope put a hand on Kiara's shoulder, interrupting her. He gave her shoulder a squeeze in reassurance before he stepped toward Izzy and hesitantly reached for her arm. "Izzy? Are you okay?" he questioned as he awkwardly patted the girl's arm.

          Izzy snapped her gaze to meet his. She blinked. "No, I . . . " she trailed off as she shook her head. She blinked again, and the uneasy feeling swirling in her stomach only heightened. "Look, you guys don't understand." She breathed in shakily and exhaled sharply before she set her gaze on her friends and narrowed her eyes. "JJ came to my house. His dad did something to him, and we were talking and then I guess we fell asleep and when I woke up, he wasn't there. He left a note saying he had to do something, but that was it. I figured he came here. I don't think he went home. At least, I hope he didn't."

          The other two glanced at each other, sharing worried looks. Kiara was the first to look away, setting her grief-stricken eyes on the blonde girl. She cleared her throat and weakly shrugged a shoulder. "So he didn't say what he had to do?" she asked.

          Izzy shook her head. "No," she mumbled. God, she hated feeling like this. She felt so weak . . . so stupid. She hated feeling powerless. "I'm . . . I'm worried." Her eyes found Kiara's. "Kie, I'm like scared. I'm like really scared."

          That was all it took for Kiara to spring forward and reach out for the blonde girl. She wrapped her arms around Izzy, consuming her in a tight embrace as she leaned her cheek against the side of her head. Kiara brought her hand up to rest on Izzy's head, gently combing through her hair in a calming manner. And for the first time, Izzy didn't pull away and she didn't want to. Instead, the Windsor girl embraced the hug and wrapped her arms around Kiara, pulling her closer.

          This was foreign to Izzy. She had not been raised with care. Sure, she had her mother, but once she died, Izzy quickly forgot what it felt like for people to care about her. She quickly turned to ignoring the need to be held and replacing it with new shoes or a new Louis Vuitton purse. But this—being wrapped in an embrace, oddly calmed her senses. It was like this was the thing Izzy had been missing all her life. Being cared about by others and caring about those people just as much was the thing that she believed might mend her broken soul. And she wanted to let it. So, she tightened her grip around Kiara, and closed her eyes as she laid her head on the girl's shoulder.

          "It's okay. We'll find him," Kiara mumbled after a moment's silence as she slowly rubbed Izzy's back. "Just calm down. We have to put the supplies inside . . . and then we'll go hit all his spots, okay?"

          Izzy nodded. "Okay," was all she could manage. She let her friend hold her as Pope awkwardly patted her shoulder for a minute longer until Izzy pulled away and stepped back. She glanced between the two teenagers before she snapped her eyes to meet Kiara's, and she offered a tight smile. "You were right. I did know why." She shrugged at her words, then released a sigh. "So I've gotta' find him because . . . I don't think I can handle losing him."

          At her words, Pope released a soft laugh. "So he finally told you he likes you?" he nonchalantly asked as he reached for a plastic bin filled with supplies in the back of the truck.

          Izzy furrowed her brows. "You knew?"

          The boy paused in his actions and glanced between Izzy and Kiara. Kiara crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips, shooting the boy a look, to which he only shrugged in response. He shifted his attention to Izzy and squinted his eyes, appearing as though he was trying to carefully pick his next words. But before he could open his mouth, the whirling of a generator turning on echoed in their ears as outdoor string lights illuminated the area. The three of them looked at each other in confusion, then averted their gazes to the yard, searching for the source of the commotion.

          "Who the hell is that?" Kiara muttered as she tried looking through the trees to see who had turned on the lights.

          The three of them shared concerned looks before Kiara took off down the dirt driveway with Pope following shortly behind her. Izzy felt her heart pound in her ears as she trailed after the two of them. She caught sight of JJ's bike discarded on the ground, and dread consumed her. She could only imagine what he had done since he departed from her estate. She tried to ignore those feelings because maybe JJ was fine. Maybe the lights didn't mean anything bad. But as she entered the yard and her eyes landed on the blond boy sitting in a hot tub, she realized her gut feeling was right. The dread consuming her only deepened when she caught sight of the champagne bottle JJ was holding. And she only wished she could go back to hours ago so she could stop him from going down this road.

          "What did you do, JJ?" Pope asked, his voice laced with concern and agitation.

          JJ only grinned and took a sip from the champagne bottle as he nestled into the water and leaned his head back. His actions made Izzy want to climb in there with him and rip the alcohol from his grasp. She knew the damages that could happen if he went too far and blacked out. She'd done it many times before, and it had almost killed her. Hell, her stupidity caused her to drive drunk, which she regretted more than anything. She was lucky nothing happened and JJ had been there to drive her home. He had always been there. She wished she could have been there for him.

          Kiara turned to Izzy. "Iz, what the hell happened?" she questioned, frantically.

          But Izzy didn't have the answers. "I don't know," she mumbled, her words tangling around her tongue. "I mean he was fucked up earlier, but it didn't seem like he'd do this." She didn't know what else to say. No words seemed like they were enough, and she only felt worse as the seconds ticked by because she honestly thought he was fine. She didn't realize just how much pain he was in, and she wished she could turn back time. She would have done everything differently. She would have told him just how much she cared for him. She would have told him she would always be there for him, because she would. She meant that. There was no doubt in her mind that she would have done anything to mend the hole in JJ's heart. She would have even grabbed a needle and some thread and stitched it back together herself.

          The corners of JJ's lips twitched into a half-grin as he lowered his sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. "I got a jet going straight in my butt right now," he remarked, his words trailing off as a chuckle escaped his lips. "Y'all should get in immediately, you hear me?" He grabbed three champagne flutes with flamingo floaties attached to them, and poured them to the brim with champagne. "Salud." He gave them a head nod before he raised the champagne flutes in the air in a toast as he tipped the champagne bottle to his lips and took a swig.

          Pope shook his head. "How much did this cost?" he queried as he scratched the back of his head.

          JJ put the champagne bottle on the ledge of the hot tub, then flicked his eyes up to glance at the others. "Uh . . . " he trailed off as he averted his gaze to his surroundings."Well, with the generator, the petrol—" he raised his hand in the air and began pointing around him— "and oh, hey, express delivery . . . pretty much all of it, yeah."

          Pope's eyes widened into saucers and he slightly gapped at the boy. "All of it?" he scoffed.

          JJ nodded. "Yeah, all of it."

          Pope pinched the bridge of his nose. "You spent all the money in one day?"

          JJ lazily nodded. "Yeah, burned a hole right through my pocket," he remarked, humorously, then he gave a shrug. "But, I mean, like come on, guys, like, look at this!" He spread out his arms, gesturing to his surroundings. "Finest in jet-based massage therapy, that's what they told me." He flicked his eyes to Izzy and grinned. "It's like we're vacationing in Izzy's backyard, right?"

          Izzy only shook her head. Her eyes felt hot. She knew why he was acting this way, and that only ripped her heart apart. "JJ . . . " she trailed off, her words getting caught in her throat.

          "Hey, baby, sorry about the note," JJ said, his voice a little lower now as guilt swirled in his eyes. "I just . . . I had to get this." He quickly masked his emotions with a wide grin as he patted the side of the hot tub. "It was such a great deal."

          Izzy didn't respond. She couldn't.

          But Kiara answered for her. "I can't believe you," she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest as she shook her head at the blond boy.

          "Kie, what?" JJ spat. "Can't a man have a little luxury in life?" He took off his sunglasses and rested them on the ledge of the hot tub. "Come on, all this scrimpin' and scrapin' . . . I mean like . . . guys, we—" he cut himself off as he clenched his jaw and breathed in shakily— "You only live once, right?" He cleared his throat and shook his head, waving off his thoughts. "Enough of this emotional shit. Get in the Cat's Ass. Come on."

          Kiara made a face. "In the what?"

           A smirk stretched across JJ's face. "In the Cat's Ass. That's what I named her," he remarked as he tried stifling his grin.

          The others only responded by shooting him a blank look, but Izzy just stood there. She knew what had happened, and she knew just how much he was trying to hide his pain. She didn't give a shit if he had spent all the money on useless things rather than paying off his restitution. She'd find a way to pay it off for him. There was no doubt in her mind. She was only concerned about what led JJ to splurge on useless shit rather than using his brain. She knew he was smart. But she couldn't figure out why he would throw himself down this road.

          "Oh, hey, yo, I almost forgot," JJ abruptly said, tearing Izzy from her thoughts. He leaned toward the edge of the hot tub and flicked a switch, causing jets to spurt water across the hot tub as multicolored lights illuminated the area and reflected onto JJ's stark skin. He leaned back, nodding his head as he grinned widely at his friends. "Huh? Yeah, that's right, I know. Disco mode. That's right, baby!"

          "Are you kidding me?" Pope yelled, his voice filled with agitation. He shook his head and pointed his finger at the blond boy. "You could have paid for restitution."

          "Or literally given it to any charity!" Kiara added.

          Izzy blinked. She knew. She was the only one who knew why he had done this, and that broke her in two. She wondered if the twine had come back and wrapped around her heart, digging into the organ and causing blood to clot in her chest. "Guys . . . stop," was all she could manage. It felt like someone had their hands secured around her throat, suffocating her and preventing the words on her mind from spilling from her tongue.

          But no one heard her words, and Pope only continued. "You could have helped us buy supplies to get the rest of the gold!" he exclaimed.

          JJ pinched his nose then rubbed his eyes before he shook his head and stood to his feet. "Okay, well, you know what? I didn't do that!" he yelled, but the others barely heard his voice. Their eyes were trained on the bruises painting his abdomen. The bruises had darkened since the last time Izzy saw him, as if they were a physical representation of the emotions he tried so desperately to bury. "I got a hot tub! For my friends. I got a hot tub for my friends . . . and my girl. No, you know what? Screw friends." He shook his head and waved his hand around as if shaking off his past words. "I got a hot tub for my family!"

          "What the hell?" Kiara muttered. Her eyes never left the bruises on his abdomen.

          But JJ ignored her. Tears pricked his eyes but he ignored that as well and scoffed. "I got this for you," he claimed as he gestured to his surroundings. "Guys, look what I did for you! All right? Look at this! Look at this!"

          Izzy shook her head as tears pooled in her eyes. "JJ . . . " she trailed off. All she wanted to do was take his pain and carry it for him. She'd take his burdens if it meant he could finally breathe without a heavy weight pressing on his chest. She'd bear his burdens, and she'd bear them well . . . for him. It would always be for him.

          JJ turned back to face Izzy, his eyes swirling with an ache they both knew all too well. They were the broken children just trying to find a way to feel whole again. "No, stop being emotional! It's fine, okay? I mean, it's sweet, right? Everything . . . Just get in," he claimed, waving off the concern suffocating the air. But his eyes told a different story. They gave him away. His pain seeped through the cracks in his weak smile, and Izzy knew she would have done anything to ease that ache.

          So Izzy did the only thing she knew how to. She slipped her feet out of her shoes and approached the hot tub, gripping onto the ledge and climbing into the water. The water pooled around her waist, enveloping her in warmth and soaking her clothes. But she barely even noticed the way her clothes stuck to her skin, her mind was too focused on the boy in front of her. She trudged forward, her body causing the water to ripple as she launched herself forward and fell into JJ. Her arms snaked around his neck, pulling his body into hers as she buried her face into the crook of his neck and squeezed her eyes shut. Her heart barely beat once before JJ wrapped his arms around her waist and tugged her closer to him so there was no room left between them. And then, he began to sob.

           "I'm sorry I left. I promised I wouldn't. I'm sorry. I just . . . " JJ cried, shaking his head into the crook of Izzy's neck. He tightened his grip around her waist as if he was afraid she'd melt into the water and disappear from his grasp. "I kept hearing him. I just can't take him anymore. I was gonna' kill him."

          I was gonna' kill him, Izzy repeated in her head. She clenched her jaw, her rage oozing from her pores. But she wasn't angry at JJ . . . rather she was angry that the world had placed this burden on him. The world had taken one look at him and decided he wasn't worth it. But he was worth it to Izzy, and she would do everything she could to ease the pain eating away at the boy's skin. "But you didn't," she finally murmured against his skin as those thoughts raided her mind. "You stopped yourself. You stopped yourself and you came to me. You're not like him. You're good. You're so good, JJ."

          The silence was her only answer as the boy continued to cry into her shoulder. His tears spilled down her skin, and she felt a lump forming in her throat. God, she just wished she could do more. He had already done so much for her; she wanted to do the same for him. So she kept holding him as if her life depended on it, and she didn't stop. A second later, she felt the water shift, and she opened her eyes to find that Pope and Kiara had climbed into the hot tub. She gave them a small smile as they approached the two and wrapped their arms around them.

          "I just wanna' do the right thing," JJ continued, his voice now consumed with too many emotions for him to bury. He gripped onto Izzy's waist, the pads of his fingers digging into her skin as he wrapped his other arm around Pope and Kiara's overlapping arms.

           Izzy nodded. "I know. I know," was all she could manage without letting out the sob bubbling up her throat. She could feel her eyes prick with tears, and she could have sworn this was one of the worst aches she had ever experienced. She was going to cry. There was no doubt about that, and she wasn't sure if she cared or not to stop the tears from falling.

           Pretty girls weren't supposed to cry. That had been ingrained into her brain since before she even knew how the world worked. But she didn't care. Who the fuck cared if you got with the popular guy or went to the right parties, or bought the most expensive clothes? Who honestly gave a shit? There was no point. People were still going to call her shit she wasn't. There would always be something they had an issue with, and Izzy didn't want to please them anymore. Because honestly, the 'pretty girls don't cry' bullshit was just that . . . bullshit. None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was the boy holding onto her as if he was scared she'd disappear if he let go. That was what mattered. She was standing in front of a boy who she cared about more than herself, and she didn't care if the world saw her cry.

          Pretty girls cried when their hearts were breaking. That was the real truth. Izzy knew that . . . and she could attest to that because she felt like her heart was slowly burning to ash. And so, she let the tears spill over her cheeks and she didn't bother to wipe them away.

            As Izzy's heart ached for the boy clutching onto her, she realized one thing. She wasn't alone. She was standing, wrapped in the embraces of the only people who had ever welcomed her and made her feel like she could breathe without being criticized. And as the four of them just stood there, comforting each other, Izzy realized just how much she needed this. She realized how long she had been unknowingly searching for this . . . and she had found it in these little lonely souls.

          They were the broken children, and maybe they could fix each other. Maybe they already had. And Izzy found herself realizing that these were her people; the people she would have done anything for. She had spent so long letting herself be lonely, but she didn't have to feel like that anymore. She had found her way to them, and she didn't plan on leaving. She would have stayed wrapped up in their embraces until the end of time if she could.

          But the world had to stop spinning on its axis at some point. Izzy couldn't stay wrapped up in a dream until the end of time. The real world was still awaiting her, haunting her. And JJ was still hurt. He was in no shape to take care of himself, and he shouldn't have had to.

          With those thoughts on her mind, Izzy tapped Kiara's arm, earning her eyes. "I got him," she whispered to her, and Kiara nodded. She detached herself from the embraced and pulled Pope back, making him drop his arms from around his friends. The two of them glanced at each other before their eyes landed back on the blonde girl. Izzy only gave them a tight smile and nodded. "Can you get him clothes? We'll meet you inside in like five."

          The two teenagers nodded at her words. Pope was the first to act. He turned around and climbed out of the hot tub, standing aside as if he were waiting on Kiara, who was still submerged in the water. Kiara gave Izzy one last look before she reached out and squeezed her arm in a comforting manner, then she swung one leg over the hot tub ledge and began to climb out. Pope quickly held out his hand, and Kiara gave him a soft smile as she took his hand and climbed out of the hot tub with his help. The two of them shot Izzy one last fleeting look of concern before they began walking toward the house. They disappeared inside the house a second later, leaving JJ and Izzy alone with the silence.

          Izzy didn't mind the silence so much when she could feel the beating on JJ's heart against her skin nor did she mind it when she could smell the sea salt in his hair. She would have let his essence consume her. But before she could let herself get wrapped up in the boy in her arms, she reminded herself that he needed her. He needed her more than he ever had, and she only ever wanted to be there for him; to try and mend the ripped pieces of his heart.

           "Hey . . . " Izzy trailed off as her hand tangled in his hair and she ran her fingers through his blond waves. A small sigh escaped her lips and she pulled back so she could lock eyes with him. Her heart only ached more when she caught sight of the dried tears staining his cheeks, and her hand immediately drifted to his face, wiping the fresh tears from his skin. Her hand lingered there, her thumb grazing the apex of his cheek where the small cut resided. "I got you, okay?" She searched his eyes for acknowledgement, and when she caught sight of it, she offered him a small smile then leaned forward and briefly pressed her lips against his. It was a short kiss, but it still managed to fill her with more warmth than she had experienced in her entire life. She pulled back and nodded toward the house. "Come on."

          A soft almost inaudible sigh escaped JJ's lips as he detached from her, but his hand still gripped onto her as he interlaced their fingers together. Izzy glanced down at their hands and smiled. She then climbed out of the hot tub with JJ following behind her, then the two began walking toward the house. They glanced back at the hot tub one more time before they shared a look, then they entered the house, ignoring the way the floorboards creaked under the pressure of their weight. JJ quickly walked in front of her, tugging her hand softly as he led her down a hall. He stopped before a closed door, then reached out and opened it, leading the two of them inside, then shutting the door behind them.

           Once inside the room, Izzy drifted her eyes around. It was a small room with only a dresser and an unmade bed, and it was nothing like she was used to, but it still made her feel warm . . . like she was meant to be there. And maybe she was. Maybe there was no such thing as signs or the universe handing out second chances. Maybe she had found herself there all by herself. Maybe she was here because of herself. That oddly made her feel better about . . . well . . . everything.

          "I'm sorry," JJ abruptly murmured, snapping Izzy out of her daze. Izzy glanced at him, finding he had detached from her side and sat down on the bed. His elbows were resting on his legs as he tugged a hand through his blond hair and stared at her with this glossy look in his eyes. He looked . . . lost.

          Izzy only shook her head. She stepped forward and sat down next to him on the bed. "Don't be," she whispered, her voice soft as she reached out and grasped his hand in hers. She gave his hand a squeeze before she wrapped her arms around his abdomen and rested her cheek on his shoulder. He quickly found her as one of his hands rested on her knee while the other wrapped around her arm. He released a sigh and rested his head against hers as the silence consumed them once again. But this silence was different. It left Izzy feeling warm, and she let herself wonder if she had finally found her home.

          A knock on the closed door, interrupted the silence and caused Izzy to avert her attention to the source of the noise. It was probably Kiara or Pope bringing clothes for JJ to wear, so she pursed her lips and stood to her feet. She shot JJ one last fleeting look before she approached the door and opened it revealing Kiara standing in the hallway with folded clothes in her hands. Izzy held up her pointer finger to JJ as if to tell him she'd be a minute, and then she stepped into the hall and closed the bedroom door behind her. Her eyes found Kiara's a second later and she offered her a tight smile.

          "Here," Kiara said as she held out the clothes to Izzy. "I found these . . . and there are some of my clothes in there for you to change into, too."

          Izzy took the clothes from the girl and held them to her chest. "Thanks, Kie," she murmured as she leaned against the door. But she didn't move to walk back into the bedroom.

          Kiara looked at her for a second before she shook her head with a small smile on her face. "So he told you?" she asked as she trailed her eyes over the blonde's face, studying her.

          Izzy bit her lip. "Yeah, you were right."

          Kiara raised a brow. "And you . . . ? How do you feel?"

           How do you feel? Izzy repeated in her head. How did she feel? She had never been good at feeling. She had always pushed her emotions down and tried burying them, which had never really worked out for her. But when it came to JJ . . . she didn't want to push away her feelings. She wanted to feel. Fucking hell, she just wanted to feel. Because feeling was better than being numb, and Izzy was tired of being hollow. "He makes me feel like I don't have to be . . . you know . . .who everyone wants me to be," she finally said, her words full of truth. "It's nice. He's sweet. I think I . . . I think . . . " Her words trailed off, getting tangled around her tongue as she struggled to come to terms with her own feelings. But this wasn't hard. She knew how she felt toward JJ. He was like coming up for fresh air. She would have done anything for him. "I just . . . I like him . . . a lot."

           A wide grin stretched across Kiara's face, her brown eyes gleaming under the dim lights. "Yeah, I could have told you that," she remarked. "The only people who don't know Izzy and JJ are in love are Izzy and JJ."

          Izzy rolled her eyes but couldn't fight the smile which slid onto her face. "Love? You're disgusting. I just like him, okay? That's all. So . . . shut up," she scoffed as she nudged Kiara's shoulder. "You're still my soulmate, bitch."

          "Obviously," Kiara snorted. "I'm the best there is. I'm kind of perfect actually. But—" her face grew solemn again and she nodded at the bedroom door— "your boyfriend needs you right now."

          Boyfriend. Izzy didn't know how she felt about that. She had just gotten out of a relationship with Rafe, but then again, he had only treated her like an accessory rather than a person so maybe it was okay to move on this quickly. It wasn't like this had happened out of the blue either. Izzy had always cared about JJ Maybank. She thought maybe that was why she couldn't give herself completely to Rafe. She supposed she had always been hung up on the boy, and it all made sense now. But still . . . boyfriend? They hadn't even talked about what happened between them since earlier.

          "He's not my boyfriend," was what Izzy decided to say. And, yeah, she felt like an idiot.

           Kiara shrugged. "Lover, then?"

          Izzy made a face. "First of all, ew. Second of all, ew," she remarked, her voice dripping with distaste. "He's JJ. He's my—"

          But Kiara cut her off. "Boyfriend."

          And as if Izzy's luck wasn't already bad enough, Pope decided that was the perfect time to pass by the girls, seemingly catching onto their conversation. He stopped in his tracks and approached them, grinning slightly at Izzy. (She was not having a good time.) "JJ's your boyfriend now, huh?" he remarked, his voice humorous as he crossed his arms over his chest and tried to fight back his mocking grin. "John B's gonna' have a field day with this one."

          Izzy only shot him a blank look.

          "So how'd you guys make it official?" Kiara piped up again. She wore a mocking grin of her own. The two of them were having way too much time pushing Izzy's limited buttons. "Did you guys . . . you know?"

          Izzy narrowed her eyes at the girl. "I hate you," she muttered. Her gaze flicked to Pope and she pursed her lips. "And Pope . . . you're on thin ice."

          Pope only laughed. "Look at that she doesn't hate me," he remarked as he nudged Kiara's arm. Kiara only responded by gently whacking his abdomen, but a small laugh still managed to escape her lips.

          But Izzy remained unamused. "Thin ice," she muttered, flicking her eyes between the two.

          Kiara playfully rolled her eyes. "Shush, you love us," she claimed. She glanced at Pope and nodded. "She loves us."

          Izzy only flipped them off, which prompted Kiara to blow her a kiss as Pope quietly laughed at the two of them. That made the corners of Izzy's lips twitch into a smile as she rolled her eyes at her friends before she turned around and opened the bedroom door, entering the room and closing the door behind her. Her gaze landed on JJ, who was now lying down on the bed and staring at the ceiling, and her heart swelled in her chest. It swelled so much it hurt.

          "Hey," she said softly, earning JJ's attention as he sat up and stared at her. She stepped forward and placed the clothes on the bed, but she kept the clothes Kiara had given to her to wear in her grasp. "You can change into those." She gestured to the clothes, then glanced back to meet his gaze.

          "Oh," was all JJ said.

          Izzy took his brief words as a message and turned around, then she walked to the other side of the room to give him as much privacy as possible. She heard him rustling around, signaling that he was changing out of his wet swimsuit and into the dry clothes Kiara had retrieved for him to wear. While he was busy changing into his clothes, Izzy did the same. She quickly took off her shorts and slipped on the dry pair that Kiara had offered her. She then took off her soaked sweatshirt and threw it to the ground before she tugged on the oversized T-shirt that probably belonged to one of the boys.

          When she was done, she briefly glanced over her shoulder, checking to see if JJ was done, only to find he was already under the covers of the bed and staring at the ceiling. She stared at him for a second before she stepped forward and rested a knee on the mattress as she fidgeted with her fingers. She wasn't used to this. She didn't know how to be gentle; she had never learned. She just felt so awkward and so not like herself.

          But JJ didn't seem to mind. He only turned his head and locked eyes with her. "You've already seen me . . . uh . . . " he trailed off, his brows furrowing as he tried to formulate his words. He eventually shook his head and just sighed. "You didn't have to turn around."

          Izzy only shrugged and crawled onto the bed, climbing under the covers. She nestled under the covers and laid her head down on the pillow as she tucked her hands under her head and leaned her cheek on them. Her gaze landed on JJ's face a second later and she traced the slope of his nose and the curve of his lips with her eyes. And as she studied him, he did the same, trailing his eyes across her features as the silence enveloped them in a warm embrace.

          But JJ quickly broke the silence with a sigh. "I know you said not to be but . . . I am sorry," he muttered as he reached out and curled a loose strand of Izzy's blonde hair behind her ear. He quickly dropped his hand and brought it back into his body, resting it on his clothed chest.

          Izzy caught sight of this and immediately wrapped her hand around his, rubbing her thumb across his skin. "Never be sorry for feeling shit. That's the one thing I've learned," she muttered. She shifted in her spot and moved closer toward the boy so their faces were a few inches apart. "Your dad is a piece of shit, and what he does to you makes me fucking sick." She moved her hand to his face, gently tracing the bruises painting his skin with the tips of her fingers.

          His eyes fluttered closed as he breathed out through his nose and brought a hand up to wrap around hers, holding the palm of her hand against his cheek. "I should've stayed. I wanted to. Waking up next to you was . . . " he trailed off, his words getting lost in his mind. His eyes opened a second later, and quickly found hers. "But then I started thinking and I kept hearing my dad tell me I wasn't good enough. It was like his voice was inside my head, telling me I didn't deserve you. And I don't. I know I don't, but it made me so fucking angry. I just lost control. I didn't mean to spend all of it. I didn't mean to fuck up this bad."

          Izzy nodded, knowing what he was feeling. She knew it all too well. If you were to ask her father, he'd tell you Izzy Windsor was one big fuck up. But, whatever, fuck her father. The boy in front of her needed her, and she didn't give a fuck what he father thought. JJ Maybank meant more to her than anything her father would ever say. So she brought her other hand up to swipe his blonde hair out of his face, and sighed. "People fuck up. I fuck up a lot," she began with a small shrug. "It'll work out. It has to. Believing in that got me here. It got me to you."

          JJ just looked at her. He had always seen right through her as if she was transparent, but this felt different. It was almost as if he was trying to find something hidden in her eyes. Like he was searching for a sign of rejection. Like he just expected her to laugh in his face and walk out the door. But when he couldn't find any sign of that, he opened his mouth and asked, "And that's really what you want? You honestly want me?" It seemed he couldn't help himself from asking that question. The words just flowed from his lips without his consent, and even as they were spit out into the universe, he seemed shocked by them himself.

          His words resonated with Izzy, and the answer immediately came to her. She knew it before she even opened her mouth. She supposed she had always known the answer. "Obviously, Seaweed Brain," she voiced her thoughts. She realized she didn't even have to think about her words, they just flowed from her lips with ease.

          JJ shook his head and dropped his hand from hers. "But I don't have anything," he muttered. He didn't sound like himself, and perhaps that scared him too. "I'm not like Rafe. I don't have any money."

          Izzy blinked. "Do you honestly think that's what I want?" she asked, her voice slightly weak. Her hand slipped from his cheek and fell to his chest. "I don't need money or whatever to tell me what I want. I want to be with you, JJ. I want to be here for you . . . always." She searched his eyes for a sign of understanding as she absentmindedly traced the indents of his shirt with her fingertips.

           The corners of JJ's lips twitched into a small smile as he leaned toward her and wrapped his arms around her body. He pulled her into him, securing her to his chest as one of his arms rested across her waist while the other traced up and down her back. Izzy felt herself smile as she adjusted herself against him, resting her head on his chest as she wrapped an arm around his abdomen. Her eyes slowly fluttered closed and her mind drifted into a mindless bliss while she listened to the rise and fall of his breathing. His heartbeat pounded in her ears, oddly calming her senses, and she let herself get wrapped up in him. She let herself be consumed by the sound of his heartbeat, and she let herself imagine what it would be like to fall asleep with him like this every night. She knew it sounded stupid, but she couldn't help but wonder. It seemed like a pleasant life.

          "I just wish he was gone," JJ suddenly said, his voice vibrating against Izzy's cheek. She knew he was talking about his father, and that made her blood boil. She would have done anything for the boy, and she knew she'd never let him go back to his father. And if he did, she'd follow him. She'd follow him and she'd make sure the man never put a hand on his son ever again. It was the least she could do. It was all she wanted to do. She just wanted JJ to find a safe place with her, because honestly, he was the only person to ever make her feel like she was safe.

          But she didn't voice those thoughts aloud. "Maybe your dad and mine can get stranded on a desert island together," she said instead. And she did mean it. She'd pay to have them flown out to a desert island if it meant they'd be stranded there without a way home.

          JJ laughed slightly. "Wouldn't that be nice?"

          The silence consumed them once again, but Izzy's mind was somewhere else. She just wanted to make sure JJ knew getting drunk and splurging on stupid shit wasn't the best coping mechanism. She wanted him to know he didn't have to do that . . . not if he had her. He could come to her. He could always come to her. She didn't plan on ever leaving him behind. Her heart just kind of beat for him as stupid as it sounded, and she wanted to make sure he knew that.

          She pondered over how she could convey that to him. She thought of all that she had been through. She thought of all the bullshit she had had to put up with and how he had always been there to help her. And then she thought of what she had done for herself . . . and she realized maybe she did save herself. Maybe in joining the Pogues on their hunt, she had chosen herself. She was the one who had done that, no one else. And then she thought of how, and her mind drifted to the cut on her forehead. It was almost healed now . . . because she hadn't picked it and made it bleed like she normally would have.

          Her cut was healing, and maybe she was too. She hadn't picked at her cut. She had let it scab over, and slowly heal. She hadn't picked up a bottle of wine to numb the pain, and she hadn't smoked to let her mind and her problems float away. She had decided to stay sober and face her problems head on. She had chosen to feel rather than numb her feelings. She was on the road to recovering, not spiraling into despair. And maybe that was the trick. Maybe it all came down to whether or not she decided to pick the scab.

          Her thoughts made her find her words. "Look, I want you to listen to me," Izzy began as she craned her neck to look up at JJ. "And it's going to sound stupid so just bear with me."

          JJ glanced down at her. "Okay, promise. You have every right to sue me if I piss you off," he said, his voice dripping with half-assed humor. He wasn't better. There was no way of knowing if he ever would be, but he still smiled down at her. He did it all for her.

           Izzy slowly nodded. "All my life, I've been trying to explain how I feel. I've been trying to rationalize it, but all I've come up with the fact that I just feel shitty. For a while, that was the only way I could describe it. But I think I've got it now," she muttered. She sucked in a breath of air, then exhaled through her nose. "I am like a scab that has been picked too many times."

          JJ made a face. "Oh, my God, did you have a lobotomy?"

          Izzy only shot him a look. "JJ . . . you promised."

          The corners of his lips twitched. "My bad," he murmured as he bit his lip to contain his grin.

          Izzy rolled her eyes at his amused expression and sighed. And then, she began. "When you scrape your knee or get cut, it bleeds and oozes, right? It oozes and then it scabs over. But as it heals, it itches and you want to pick it. So you do. You pick it and it starts bleeding and oozing," she explained. "It's trying to heal itself again. But you keep picking it and picking it, and you can't stop no matter what. You're preventing it from healing; you're preventing yourself from healing." Her eyes found his again and she offered him a tight smile. "I am like a scab picked too many times . . . and I'm just now starting to learn how to let it heal; to let myself heal. And . . . I think you're the same."

          JJ furrowed his brows and studied her face. "So what does that mean?"

          "We're like cuts trying to heal," Izzy whispered with a small shrug. "So, you have to promise me you won't pick the scab anymore. You have to promise that you and me . . . we'll heal . . . together."

          JJ looked at her for a second . . . like really looked at her. It seemed like his eyes were boring into hers, memorizing the deepest parts of her soul. And then, he nodded. "Okay . . . I promise."

          A small smile spread across her face. "Yeah?"

          JJ grinned back at her. "Yeah," he murmured as he bent down and pressed his lips against hers. He brought a hand up to caress her cheek as he softly kissed her, the two of them reveling in the way they melted into each other. Then he pulled back and locked eyes with her while he kept his hand on her face, his thumb grazing her cheekbone. "Izzy Windsor, you're amazing, you know that?"

          Izzy smiled warmly. "Oh, I know," she remarked in a teasing tone as she scrunched her nose. She kissed him one more time before she nestled back down and rested her head against his chest, letting herself get wrapped up in the sound of his heartbeat. And as she listened to the rise and fall of his chest, she thought maybe her words were the truth. It didn't seem too far off really.

           Maybe Izzy Windsor was just a scab that had been picked too many times, but she was trying. She was trying to let herself heal, and she would. She knew she would. Besides it wasn't a race to the end, and she would do well to remember that all cuts took time to heal, especially the deepest ones.

a/n: while izzy & jj are like a stable ship, this is only the least of their problems. i think this will have about 25 chapters so,,,, && you know what? piara is growing on me. they're cute 🥰🥰🥰 still wish we could have had karah but piara is very <soft3

also if you see izzy's monlogue on pinterest, don't worry, i didn't copy it. i made the ugly thing up as you can probably tell because it's ,,,,, not very good but we won't talk about that. </3

thanks for reading!