chapter eighteen
two lone flames

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Izzy knew who she was from a very early age . . . or at least who everyone told her to be. For as long as she could remember, everybody loved her. She never knew exactly what it was. She just knew she had something special that others admired. They strived for it. They strived to be her. And that gave her confidence. But then her mother died and Izzy started going to school without makeup and she stopped talking as much, and then people looked at her like she was this sad, pathetic little thing. She felt like it too. She quickly realized people didn't love her . . . they loved the idea of being someone like her. They loved the money she had, they loved how pretty she was, how perfect she seemed to be . . . but they didn't love her. Quite honestly, they feared her, and if it were Izzy who died instead of Julia, no one would have shown up to the funeral.

And she tried to be okay with that. She tried to convince herself that people actually did like her, but she knew they didn't. They were all pretending, hoping she'd look their way and give them a few hundred bucks or whatever. They just wanted to use her, and for a while, she used them too. But using people wasn't all that. It made her feel more like an object rather than a person.

She thought maybe it was because she wasn't that person anymore that nothing made sense. She wasn't the girl who used people to fill the void in her chest because she realized that had nothing to do with them. It had everything to do with her. And she was getting better at this 'trying' shit. But she was still so fucking confused.

Her life confused her. Her morals, and herself, and JJ . . . they all confused the shit out of her. She only knew that she liked JJ. Jesus, it sounded stupid to her and she couldn't really believe it all that much herself, but she did like him. She liked being around him. She liked it when he smiled at her, and when he made her laugh, and she even liked it when he did stupid shit. She thought maybe she had always liked him, and the twine wrapped around her heart was just there to remind her. She had been so blind before, and she felt stupid for thinking she could ever be just friends with JJ Maybank. Because there was no being just friends with the boy she had harbored feelings for since junior high. And that confused her . . . because she wasn't supposed to like him . . . but fucking hell, she did.

So Izzy was left just confused. Her mind was spinning and her thoughts were out of place, and honestly, the whole world was blurry in her vision. She briefly remembered walking back to her friends after JJ left, and hopping in the van. Then she somehow made it to her convertible and drove home. She didn't really remember any of it. She was just so focused on the fact that the person tugging on the other end of the twine was JJ. That was all she could focus on as she arrived at her house and walked up the stairs to her room. She ended up laying on her bed, with her head spinning as she stared at the sky full of stars painted on her ceiling, for about half an hour or maybe it was an hour. She couldn't really remember how much time had passed.

Her head still felt like it was spinning as she finally pried herself from her mattress and changed into something more comfortable. She changed into an old crewneck sweatshirt and slipped on some spandex shorts before she searched her room for an empty space to paint. She felt too out of place to do anything else so painting was her go-to. She always painted when she needed to figure shit out or just to calm her mind, and believe her, her brain was spinning out of orbit, so maybe painting her feelings would help ease her senses.

She quickly decided to paint on the part of her wall above her bed, and gathered her art supplies. But before she got to work, she turned off her webcam completely. She didn't want the whole world to watch her anymore. This felt too personal—too raw. She moved away from the laptop as she rolled up her sleeves and tied her hair into a bun at the nape of her neck, then she picked up a paintbrush and let her hands do the rest of the work.

          Painting to Izzy was like breathing. She didn't even need to think about it anymore. It was second nature to the girl . . . which allowed her mind to drift as the rest of her body went on autopilot.

Time seemed to pass by in a blur as her mind drifted deeper. Her thoughts were consumed by questions about the future. For so long, her future had been set in stone for her. She was supposed to marry Rafe and take after her mother. She was supposed to grow up and follow in Julia's footsteps to become a model or some shit . . . but Izzy didn't want that. She never really did. She wanted to paint. Fuck what her father thought. She wanted to do the one thing that made her feel like . . . herself. Maybe one day, she'd tell him that.

But that wasn't the only thing that consumed her mind. She was supposed to marry Rafe. She knew she was supposed to. Their parents had already sort of planned their wedding and all that traditional shit. But she didn't want Rafe. He wasn't going to be the one waiting at the end of the aisle, smiling at her as she waltzed toward him in her white gown. Now, that person didn't have a face . . . and she was oddly okay with that. She didn't even know if she really wanted to get married like ever. And that was fine because now she had a choice. She knew she had a choice, and she relished in the freedom that thought gave her. But still . . . she wondered who would be waiting to take her hand if she did end up walking down an aisle.

The piercing sound of a doorbell rang throughout the Windsor estate, tearing Izzy from her thoughts about her uncertain future. She blinked a few times as she focused her eyes on the painting before her. It was an unfinished painting of a heart—her heart—with twine wrapped around it and blood seeping from the entry wounds. She tilted her head and stared at it. It didn't seem so scary now that it was displayed in front of her, and maybe it wasn't. She had been putting herself through all that pain because she was too stubborn to see what her subconscious had been trying to tell her all along. Maybe sometimes pain could be beautiful . . . like a poem. Maybe Izzy Windsor was just a poem.

Izzy shook her head and sighed as she stepped off her bed and placed the paintbrush in the cup filled with water on her bedside table. She turned around and walked out of her room, slowly making her way to the front door to see whoever the fuck decided to bother her that evening. Her bare feet padded down the staircase until she finally made it to the front hall and approached the front door, swinging it open. She blinked, and expected to see one of her father's housekeepers standing before her as she glanced up, but instead her eyes landed on none other than JJ Maybank.

Her brows furrowed low on her face as her hand slipped from the door handle and dropped to her side. "JJ . . . ? What are you—" she quickly cut herself off when she caught sight of his busted lip and the fresh cut under his eye. She shook her head, her heart swelling in her chest as she stared at him. "JJ . . . oh, my God, your face." She subconsciously stepped forward and rested her hands on either side of his face, lightly grazing the cuts with her thumbs. "What the fuck? What the fuck happened?"

JJ closed his eyes and breathed out through his nose as he wrapped his hands around her wrists. "I know. I know. I'm hot, but . . . can I just come in?" he asked under his breath. His eyes fluttered open a second later, and he stared at her with this look. It was almost as if he were begging her not to question what happened to him . . . like he was pleading with her to not pick the fresh wounds plaguing the epidermis of his skin.

And Izzy listened because she understood. She simply nodded and pulled her hands back into herself, wrapping her arms around her chest as she stepped aside. "I have stuff in my room to fix . . . that," she muttered as he walked inside her estate.

He nodded, and she took that as a sign to start walking up the staircase leading toward her room, with him following behind her. As they walked, it was silent, and Izzy's thoughts became the best of her. She didn't know what she was thinking. She just felt so fucking confused. She knew he had been inside her house many times, but this was different. Izzy knew she liked him now. He was in her house, and she liked him so much that she wanted him to stay. She wished it could just be them . . . like they were the only two people in the world.

So, yeah, it was different, because Izzy knew she liked JJ, and she wanted him to stay. She wanted to share with him all her paintings and her music. She wanted to share that part of herself with him and only him. She thought that maybe this was the first time she had ever liked anyone in a while. Sure, maybe she had liked Rafe once upon a time, but she didn't feel this way toward him. She had never liked someone completely for themselves . . . like completely, completely. But she liked JJ for who he was . . . even the parts of him that sometimes got on her nerves. She still liked those parts. And that confused her.

She tried to ignore her inner thoughts and focus on the shit that didn't confuse her, but honestly, everything was confusing. God, she needed to fucking shut her eyes and forget the world existed. But she couldn't because JJ was hurt and her heart ached for him. Maybe she had a habit of wanting to fix people, and, yeah, she knew she couldn't fix the deepest parts of the boy, but she could still tend to his open wounds.

Her feet padded down the hall as she approached her room and pushed open the door. She stepped aside and held open the door, anxiously biting her lip as JJ walked through the door and entered her room. His eyes trailed around her room, studying the new paintings that hadn't been there since the last time he was there. His gaze landed on the unfinished painting above her bed and he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye before he breathed out through his nose, then he approached her bed and sat down on the mattress. His mannerisms were different. He looked awkward and almost out of place. And JJ always had a way of trying to fit himself into every situation. But now, he just looked . . . lost.

JJ glanced down at his hands and picked at the calluses on his palms. "Um . . . sorry about coming here. I just . . . I didn't know where else to go. The others . . . they wouldn't get it," he muttered under his breath, his words coming out slow and steady. He ran a hand through his blond waves, and scratched the back of his head. "I was driving and then I passed your house . . . and . . . well . . . I'm here."

You know why, Izzy heard Kiara's voice. But she didn't know why JJ came to see her. As far as she knew, JJ only saw her as a friend. She was the one harboring feelings for him. Oh, fuck this. She hated being the one with the crush. No, fuck that. She hated calling it a crush. Izzy Windsor did not get crushes on people . . . except . . . she did. She did like JJ and that was confusing the fuck out of her. Maybe if he liked her back then this wouldn't be so confusing, but he didn't. She was probably just another asset to him. That was how most people in the Outer Banks saw her.

Izzy shook her head at her thoughts. "Oh," was all she could manage. She stepped away from the door, closing it behind her as she slowly walked toward her bathroom. "Um—" she briefly glanced at him, but she didn't make eye contact— "I'll go get the stuff. Just sit there . . . I guess." She turned around and entered her bathroom with enough anger to blow a gasket. It wasn't that she was angry at JJ, she was just pissed at herself because she was acting like a total pussy. Since when did Izzy Windsor get nervous? She was so sick of blushing around him. He was just a boy. Why couldn't she realize that?

She quickly tried shoving her thoughts away as she searched her sink cabinet for the peroxide and bandaids that she stored there. She wet a washcloth then grabbed the supplies and shut the cabinet before she walked out of the bathroom with her eyes searching for the boy. Her eyes immediately found him and she swore her stomach flipped. Fuck those stupid butterflies. She hated that he made her feel this way.

She cleared her throat, letting him know she had entered the room before she approached the bed and sat down beside him on the mattress, sitting on one of her legs. No one spoke as she put the rest of the supplies on the bed and grabbed the damp washcloth then reached for JJ's face. She brought a hand up to caress his jaw so she could have more access to the cut under his eye and the one on his lip. She pressed the damp washcloth on the cut under his eye, cleaning off the blood then she moved onto the cut on his lip. She lingered there and she stared at his busted lip with questions swarming in her head.

"I feel like I have dejá vù," JJ abruptly muttered, causing her eyes to snap up to meet his. He offered her a half-grin, trying to mask the look in his eyes which revealed he wasn't okay with what had happened to him. "Tables have turned, huh? Your cut's looking better by the way. You can barely even tell."

Izzy touched a finger to the cut on her forehead. She had almost forgotten it was there. Whatever. She dropped her hand then pursed her lips and glanced back down at his busted lip. "Well, you're always saving me, and . . . helping me," she said with a small shrug. She pressed the cloth against the cut on his lip, cleaning off the dried blood. His bottom teeth were stained with blood, so she gently pulled down his bottom lip and dabbed the washcloth against the inside of his lip. "I figured I'd try to do the same . . . to repay you." And she wasn't lying.

"You don't have to repay me," JJ muttered, furrowing his brows in confusion. "You don't owe me shit." He hesitantly rested his hand on her knee as if to let her know that his words were the truth.

Izzy only shrugged. It wasn't like she could tell him that she felt like that. Because she did feel guilty that he was always doing shit for her while she had done nothing for him. She felt guilty that he was always tugging her back to reality before she could smash into a tree or crash her car or whatever. Plus . . . he had watched her videos to make sure she wouldn't do anything too drastic like kick her own bucket. He'd made sure she wouldn't die so many times and for some reason that made her feel guilty. She didn't know why. She just felt like that.

But maybe that was why he was there. Maybe he wanted something from her. Maybe he had come to take her up on her offer to pay his restitution. Sure, she would have paid it off in a heartbeat, but the thought of him only being there for her money made her sick. She knew he wasn't like that. At least, she wanted to believe he wasn't like that but she couldn't really think of any other reason as to why he would be at her house rather than with his friends that had stuck by him instead of ditching him like Izzy had. Everyone else had done the same. So maybe he was only pretending to be her friend for money or whatever else she had to offer (she couldn't really think of anything else that made her valuable). Maybe she was just a joke to them.

"Is that what you think?" JJ asked, tearing her from her mind once again as he took his hand off her knee. His blue eyes swirled with confusion and anger . . . but he wasn't angry at her. He seemed to be at war with himself. "That you owe me?"

Izzy only shrugged. "Normally when people do shit for others it's because they want something," she mumbled, her words cutting deep. She averted her gaze to the peroxide and quickly soaked a part of the washcloth with the substance before she dabbed it on the cut on his cheekbone, careful not to get it near his eye. She dried off the area, then brought her hands to her lap as she looked at him and released a sigh. "When I was with Rafe he'd buy me flowers or take me out to dinner or whatever but then he'd expect . . . something else in return. And if I didn't, then he'd be like 'Well, I bought you flowers.' or 'I did this for you, why can't you do this for me?' . . . so I guess I just assumed you did all that shit for me to . . . uh . . . get something . . . like money or whatever."

"Oh," was all he said.

Izzy's heart dropped. She felt the twine slowly wrap around her heart again, making it hard to breathe. Fuck, was all she could think. So he really didn't like her. He really was using her for her money just like everyone else on the damn island. And she was the idiot who had caught feelings for the boy who would never feel the same. She felt stupid. She felt like a joke. But maybe she deserved it. Maybe—

"I don't want anything from you," JJ suddenly confessed, his words silencing her thoughts. "I mean . . . that's not why I came here. I came because . . . because . . . "

"Because why?" Izzy beckoned. She needed to hear him say it. If he was going to reject her, she needed him to say it upfront. Maybe then she could accept it.

JJ stared at her for a while, searching her eyes as he contemplated the thing gnawing at his mind. Then he closed his eyes and breathed out through his nose before he opened his eyes once again and found her gaze. "You know why," he mumbled.

You know why, Izzy repeated in her head. She didn't know if it was JJ's voice or Kiara's that she heard. She wasn't sure if it mattered which one it was. "Because we're friends?" she offered. She hoped he wouldn't laugh in her face. Maybe she could possibly handle him telling her that he didn't want her like that, but she couldn't handle him telling her he didn't want her in his life. Because she wanted him in her life. Really, she did.

A small half-smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "Something like that," he said.

Izzy felt the twine wrapped around her heart disintegrate and she hoped that would be the last time she ever felt its unbearable grasp. She was just glad she had been wrong. Granted, she had no fucking idea why he was actually there, but at least he didn't hate her. She didn't know if she could handle him hating her. She realized she liked him too much, and maybe that was why the thought of him hating her had always bothered her. But he didn't hate her. They were friends and maybe that was all they would ever be, but that was fine. She guessed she could live with being just his friend if it meant she could see him every day and hear him call her that stupid nickname.

She quickly finished up tending to his wounds as she dabbed at the areas until blood no longer seeped from the cuts. She didn't bother putting bandaids over the cuts because the air would probably work better at healing them. "Okay . . . you're good," she said as she stood to her feet and grabbed the supplies. She began to walk back to her bathroom, but JJ put a hand on her elbow, halting her in her actions.

JJ waited for her to lock eyes with him before he offered her a soft smile. She couldn't remember the last time someone had looked at her like that . . . and she didn't entirely hate it. "Iz . . . thanks," he muttered, his words sweet. He had always been sweet with her. Then he dropped his hand from her arm and furrowed his brows. "Uh . . . can I stay for a bit? I just . . . I feel lightheaded."

Izzy's heart swelled in her chest. He wanted to stay. Everyone always left her, but he . . . he wanted to stay. That was enough to make her smile. "Yeah—" she nodded . . . maybe a little too vigorously— "you can stay the night . . . if you want." Fuck, why did she say that? She sounded desperate and she honestly felt like an idiot.

But JJ didn't seem to notice. "Izzy Windsor being generous?" he questioned sarcastically. "Never thought I'd see the day."

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Don't get used to it."

A grin tugged at his lips. "Wouldn't dream of it," he said, his voice low and pleasant.

Izzy shook her head at him, but still, a smile managed to creep onto her lips before she turned around and entered her bathroom. She put all the supplies away and threw the damp washcloth in the sink. She briefly looked at herself, catching sight of the almost healed cut on her forehead, then she glanced at her slightly bruised knuckles, and sighed. For someone who used to care more about her self-image than if she ate enough a day, she sure as hell wasn't taking care of herself. She tore her eyes from her wounds and reentered her room, finding that JJ was now lying down on her bed as he faced her ceiling and stared at the sky full of stars painted on it.

This was the part of her she wanted to share with him, and he was admiring it. That made her heart swell, and she didn't mind the way it inflated in her chest. She inhaled slowly before she stepped toward him and crawled onto the bed then lied down beside him with their arms touching. She could feel heat radiating off of his skin and onto hers, warming her body. She didn't mind the heat when it was him setting her skin ablaze.

JJ cleared his throat. "Your ceiling's . . . cool," he muttered.

Izzy almost laughed. He just sounded so awkward. But she didn't, instead, she turned her head and stared at the side of his face as she smiled. "Thanks," she mumbled, warmly. "The stars are interesting. I mean at least I think so. There are so many of them in the sky. Some of them are dead. Some are getting there. And some are still there. They're still burning. It's beautiful, don't you think?"

JJ slowly turned his head to meet her gaze. He studied her face for a moment before a small smile tugged at his lips. "Yeah, it's . . . beautiful, yeah," he whispered, his voice soft and low.

It sounded stupid but Izzy wanted to tell him more. She wanted him to know her. God, she sounded like an idiot, but she really fucking liked him and she wanted him to like her too.

"Um . . . " Izzy trailed off as she averted her gaze back to the stars painted on her ceiling. "It sounds stupid but sometimes I think people are like stars. There are just so many of us . . . like the stars. I mean there are like seven almost eight billion people in the world. Some are on their deathbeds. Some are telling lies to get through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are good, some are bad. But whatever. There are seven billion people in the world, seven billion souls. And I think sometimes . . . all you need is one." Well, now she definitely sounded like an idiot. Jesus, who was she turning into? "I mean we're just like stars. And sometimes all you need is one star to make the night sky . . . brighter. Just . . . one."

JJ didn't answer, and then Izzy really felt like an idiot. But then he sighed and Izzy thought maybe he'd let her off the hook. After all, it had been a tiring day. "So . . . " he trailed off, his voice stiff, " . . . you got a . . . one?"

Okay, now, Izzy was not a fan of the love bullshit, because she wasn't even sure if it was real. She hadn't seen it in all her sixteen years of living. She honestly thought it was a myth created by the patriarchy just like marriage, but the thing was that she didn't really know. And she knew that she sounded stupid and totally not like herself, but she thought maybe that JJ would be her one. She wasn't saying she loved him. She wasn't even sure if she was capable of that. She just knew that every time he was around, the world seemed to stop blurring and her heart stopped aching. Yeah, she knew it sounded dumb. But sue her, she liked him and she couldn't really do anything about that. So maybe he was her one. And maybe that wasn't like a big thing. Maybe it didn't have to be. But it was something and a part of her—the part that romanticized her life—wanted him to be the one she went to first. But she couldn't let him know that.

"I don't . . . I don't know," she ended up saying. She wanted to punch herself in the face. Since when did Izzy Windsor turn into a blubbering idiot? "I guess I haven't met him or her . . . yet." (Yeah, Izzy didn't really care if she ended up with a girl or a guy. She liked them both. It wasn't that big of a deal. It was just something she had always known.)

The silence was her only answer. Izzy peeked at the boy out of the corner of her eye, finding that he was staring at the ceiling with his brows furrowed low on his face as he scowled. You know why, she heard. She rolled her eyes at her thoughts. Because she didn't know why. She didn't. JJ had always been one to go for what he wanted and if he really wanted her, then he would have told her already. But he hadn't so maybe . . . maybe he already had a one. Her heart dropped at the thought.

"What about you?" she ended up asking, her curiosity getting the best of her as jealousy coursed through her veins. Great, now she had to deal with being a jealous bitch on top of all this bullshit. "Who's your one?"

JJ turned his head and locked eyes with her. "Haven't you already asked me something like this before?" he asked, amusement dripping from his tongue.

Fuck. "Have I?" Izzy asked. She was lucky she was good at lying or else she might as well have stabbed herself in the eye with her paintbrush. "I don't really remember."

The small smile remained on his face as he looked at her, but it slowly fell as time passed by and his thoughts consumed him. He averted his gaze back to the ceiling and bent his arm behind his head. "I think some people are better off alone," he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper almost as if he didn't mean to say the words at all.

"You mean you?" Izzy asked before she even knew what she was saying. "You think you're better off alone." She turned on her side with her hands folded under her cheek as she stared at the boy.

"Well . . . can't hurt anybody if I'm alone, right?" JJ bitterly muttered through gritted teeth. He tightly closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. "Sometimes I think I ruin everything I touch . . . just like my dad. I don't know. It's stupid."

Izzy furrowed her brows. "It's not stupid. It's real," she muttered. "I used to think I didn't need anybody . . . like I was better off alone, but I'm not. No one is." She breathed in sharply, then sighed. "Being alone . . . and not just being alone  . . . I mean like feeling alone. That shit. That sucked. It's like you're drowning, like the ground is swallowing you whole and nobody's there to save you. That's what being alone is like. It's like you're drowning but you never die. And I never want to feel that way again. No one should feel like that ever."

JJ turned his head to look at her with his brows furrowed on his face and his eyes soft, but he didn't speak a word. He only stared at her, searching her face as if she was the beacon of light in all his darkness.

"People need people," Izzy continued with a small shrug. "And I don't mean that codependent bullshit. I'm just saying that everyone needs a little help. It's human nature. People just need people." It had taken her so long to realize that, and now that she had said it aloud, her heart didn't feel so heavy. "You guys made me realize that. Sarah, and Kie . . . you. You guys. All of you made me realize needing people doesn't make you weak . . . it makes you human."

JJ stared at her for a moment, and then a grin tugged at his lips. "Damn Iz, I never knew you were a poet."

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up," she groaned as she nudged his arm. "I'm trying to be serious here . . . okay? I just . . . I think you're cool. I mean all of you guys. I think you're all kinda cool . . . I guess."

JJ raised his brows. "Recycling my words now, huh?" he questioned, referring to the time he called her cool, which had sent her into a haze of confusion.

That time Izzy did smile. "Maybe."

Silence quickly consumed them, but it wasn't suffocating. Izzy didn't feel like she was drowning in a dark sea. She was staring into JJ's eyes and she thought that it was one of the first times she felt like she was floating. He was anchoring her there as he stared at her and warmed her doll heart. But then her eyes drifted down to the cut on his lip and she felt a wildfire ignite in her chest.

"Are you going to tell me who gave you that busted lip?" Izzy spat bitterly. "Was it Barry? Or . . . Or was it the same person from last time? I swear I'll have them fired. Just say the word and—"

"It was my dad," JJ abruptly muttered, cutting her off. He released a low groan and rested his arm over his face, covering his eyes.

Izzy didn't know what to think as the seconds ticked by and the silence consumed them. She knew Luke Maybank always had a temper, but she never thought he'd hurt his son. She guessed she shouldn't have been one to assume. After all, the Windsors were masters at pretending like they were perfect when they were anything but. Maybe the Maybanks were the same. That made a wildfire spread within her. She felt the fire grow and poison her bloodstream, burning her veins. She wanted to punch Luke Maybank in the face for every bruise he had left on JJ that she hadn't noticed. But by the bruises on his knuckles, it seemed JJ had already beaten her to it. That made her ache for him even more. The thought of him having to defend himself against his own father made her sick to her stomach.

Izzy reached out to touch a hand to his chin, grazing the cut on his lip. She blinked, her eyes feeling hot as she breathed out through her nose. "So when you said your dad's a dick you meant . . . " she trailed off, unable to finish her sentence. It hurt too much to admit the pain he had to go through . . . and she had been so oblivious to it all.

"He's a fucking dick," JJ finished for her. He grazed his fingertips across her arm until he reached her hand and then he removed it from his face. "Whatever. It doesn't fucking matter anyway." He turned away from her and attempted to push off the bed, but a wince escaped his lips and he fell back to the mattress while gripping his side.

Izzy quickly sat up. Fuck. He was really hurt, and he was trying to hide it from her. "JJ . . . what else happened?" she questioned. His father must have done more damage than what she could see and that made her veins fill with kerosene.

JJ shook his head. "Nothing, Iz, he's just got that right jab, you know?" he muttered, still gripping his side.

"Then why did you wince?" she asked, her voice hard.

The Maybank boy looked at her, his eyes soft as he tried to hold back what appeared to be tears clouding his vision. He stared at her with glossy eyes, and tried writing her off, but the pleading look in her eyes stopped him from saying those words. Instead, he gave a weak sigh and slowly lifted the hem of his shirt, revealing purple bruises painting his abdomen.

"JJ, oh my, God," Izzy muttered as she reached out for him, her fingertips grazing over the bruised skin. She felt a sob bubble in her throat as she stared at him. Pretty girls don't cry, she briefly heard, but fuck that. She didn't give a single shit if pretty girls didn't cry. This was the boy she liked and he was in pain. That thought alone was enough to make her heart ache as tears pricked her eyes.

JJ shook his head. "It's fine," he mumbled as he shoved his shirt down, hiding the bruises.

But Izzy wasn't having it. "What did he do to you?" she asked, her voice weak.

JJ shrugged then slumped his shoulders. "He tried using the drug money for some stupid shit instead of paying off my restitution," he explained as he shook his head. A scoff left his lips and he let out this laugh. But it wasn't a pleasant laugh. It was one filled with pain; one that Izzy knew all too well. "And when I tried to reason with him . . . he hit me."

"I'll have him fired," Izzy spat. And she would. She could.

"He doesn't got a job, Iz," JJ said.

Izzy shrugged. "So what? I'll have him locked up," she spat. And she so would. She'd make him pay. "I can call my dad and he'll make it happen. I will make it happen."

"Whatever, it's fine. It happens," JJ muttered bitterly as he clenched his jaw. "I'm used to it. It doesn't matter."

"No, no, it fucking matters," Izzy protested as she shot forward and wrapped a hand around his forearm. At her touch, his eyes snapped to meet hers. "It matters to me, okay?"

A shocked expression crossed JJ's face as he stared at her with wide, soft eyes. "It does?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Of course it does, Seaweed Brain," Izzy mumbled, her voice as sweet as honey. A small smile slid onto her face and she squeezed his arm. "I . . . I care about you."

JJ furrowed his brows. "Why?" he questioned, softly. His eyes flicked down to her lips and he swallowed, hard.

Izzy felt the urge to do something to comfort him, and herself. She felt the urge to tell him that she liked him . . . that she always had, but she couldn't get the words to tumble from her tongue. She was thinking too much again. So she just stared at him, with her mind spinning and her heart pounding in her chest. She thought she might tell him that because he cared for her, she just had to care for him.

But she didn't.

Those words never left her lips. Instead, she did something that surprised her even more. She glanced at his lips then crashed into him, slamming her lips onto his and nearly knocking out all the air in her lungs. The warmth of his lips obliterated every thought in her head, melting her mind as she melded into him. He reacted quickly to her actions, and gripped onto her hips, pulling her onto his lap so her legs were on either side of him. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him until there was no space left between them. His other hand found its way to the back of her neck and he deepened the kiss. It was sloppy and needy . . . like the two of them were trying to drink each other up. But then he pulled away and Izzy felt like she was drowning again.

"Iz, Iz, what are we doing?" JJ blurted out as he tried to catch his breath. His arm was still wrapped around her waist, keeping her close to him, and his hand was still caressing the back of her neck as he searched her eyes for the answers crowding his brain.

Then Izzy realized what she had done and she shot back, climbing off his lap and standing to her feet. "I'm—I'm sorry," she stuttered. She touched a hand to her lips, and swallowed, hard. She couldn't believe she had just kissed him. "I didn't mean to." She had just ruined whatever friendship they had left. "That was so stupid. I'm sorry."

"Izzy, why did you kiss me?" JJ questioned, his voice sharp and full of confusion. "You can't do that. You just said we were friends and then you kissed me. You can't. You can't mess with my head like that."

"Fuck," Izzy swore, "I wasn't trying to."

"What were you trying to do?" JJ frantically asked as he stood to his feet. He ran a hand through his blond hair and scratched the back of his head. "Why would you do that?"

Because I like you, Izzy thought, but she never let those words fall from her lips. "I don't know, JJ," she muttered instead. Her heart hurt and she felt like an idiot. She just wanted to go back to five minutes ago when she wasn't a fucking dumbass. "Can we just forget about it?"

"No, we can't!" JJ exclaimed. "I won't be able to just forget that."

"Why? Why not?" Izzy yelled. She bit her lip and put her hands on her hips. "It was just a stupid kiss. It doesn't have to mean anything, right? We kissed when we were kids once too. It's not any different from that, right? We can just forget about this."

"It's not different. It's not because . . . " JJ let his words trail off as he looked at her, searching her face for . . . something. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, staying silent for a few seconds before he opened his eyes again and sighed. "It's not different because I have feelings for you. I—I like you." He shrugged and slapped his hands against his thighs.

Izzy stepped back in confusion. "What?" was all she could manage because . . . what the fuck?

JJ sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "I never got over the time we kissed when we were kids either," he mumbled as he dropped his hand to his side then locked eyes with her. "Look, I'm not good at this feeling shit, okay? It fucks me up. I don't like it, but yeah, I liked you back then . . . and I like you . . . now. I like . . . feeling when it comes to you."

Izzy shook her head. This didn't feel real. "But you said—"

"Forget what I said," JJ cut her off. "Just . . . why do you think I would always come to work with my dad?"

Izzy shrugged. Honestly, she hadn't thought anything of that. She just thought he was coming around to bother her. "I don't . . . " she trailed off.

"I wanted to see you. You were like this . . . this . . . I don't know," JJ sighed. He didn't sound like himself. And Izzy wasn't sure if this was actually real or if she was dreaming. "It's like you said. I felt alone . . . like I was drowning. And you . . . you were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's the only way I know how to explain it. You just made everything better."

Izzy didn't respond. She couldn't. This didn't feel real. She thought he didn't like her. She thought he would have never gone for the spoiled rich girl who had treated him like shit only a few months ago.

"And then my dad fucked up," he continued, "and got himself fired . . . and then I didn't have you anymore. You weren't in my life. I didn't get to see you. There were no beach days or nights spent on your roof staring at the stars. You were just gone and that feeling went with you. It was like I was drowning again. And that sucked because I couldn't forget you. It wasn't even a choice."

It wasn't even a choice, Izzy repeated in her head as she stared at him in utter shock. It all made sense. That was why he never left her alone. It was why he watched her videos. It was why he always tried to stop her from driving through those red lights. He . . . cared about her more than just a friend.

"I liked you. I liked you a lot, Iz," he went on, his voice barely above a whisper now. "And I know I'll never be a doctor or some fancy shit like that. I'm a deadbeat like my dad. I'll probably stay here for the rest of my life without ever doing anything but . . . " His words trailed off, and he just stared at her with this look in his eyes which made Izzy want to spring forward and kiss him. "Look, whatever, I know I'll never be what you want, but you were what I wanted . . . and I think you still are. So you can't just kiss me, because it means something to me. It's not something I can forget. So you can't. You just can't."

Still, Izzy didn't respond. Her words tangled around her tongue and all she could think was that JJ Maybank felt the same. He liked her. Like actually. And he didn't like her because of her money or because she was pretty. He liked her because she was . . . her. He liked her ramblings about stars. He liked her. He liked the real her.

At her lack of a response, JJ nodded a few times. "You don't gotta' say anything . . . but you should know that . . . it's you," he mumbled as he shrugged slightly at his words. "The answer to the question you asked me the other day. It's you. You're the answer." He wet his lips and released a small sigh. "When all my dreams come true, the one I want next to me is you. It's you. It's you, Izzy. It always has been."

It was silent for a minute before Izzy blinked and found her voice. She realized she was exactly where she wanted to be. She was standing in front of a boy who made her feel like honey and glass. He was just a boy and she was just a girl, but he made her feel like she was the sun. "I'm the one who kissed you, right? When we were kids . . . I kissed you," she finally said. She searched his eyes and shrugged slightly. "Why the fuck do you think I did that?"

JJ shrugged. "You're Izzy Windsor," he said as if that were the only answer she needed. "You could have anyone you want. I figured it was just a game."

That resonated with Izzy. She had spent a long time thinking life was a game and she was constantly being cheated. She had spent a long time thinking love didn't exist, and she still wasn't sure if it did or not, but a part of her felt like it might be possible. But she had never thought that way before. Being with someone had always just been a physical thing for her.

Because to Izzy Windsor, it was like sex was the easy part. It always had been. That way she wouldn't have to think. It was easy . . . almost too easy. But giving her heart to somebody was different. That was the scary part. She thought that she didn't believe in love. She didn't think it was possible. She didn't even really understand it and honestly, she didn't think she had to. But as she stared into JJ Maybank's blue eyes, she realized her heart was already in the palm of his hand. That was all she knew. She didn't know if it was love or whatever. She didn't care. He just held her heart in the palm of his hand, and it oddly made her feel safe. That was the thing that horrified her . . . but the scary part was over. She just had to take a leap of faith, and hope she wouldn't fall.

And she did . . . take that leap. She took it by uncrossing her arms and stepping toward the boy. She wasn't thinking anymore, and she didn't care. And then she opened her mouth, and it was like her heart was speaking for her. "Remember what I said earlier?" she asked, her voice soft. It didn't sound like her. "There are seven almost eight billion people in the world and sometimes all you need is just one to make all the bad shit better. And that's . . . you. You're my one, JJ." She briefly closed her eyes before they fluttered open again and met those blue eyes which made her feel. A small, warm smile grew on her face at the realization. "You're not a game to me. You never were."

JJ looked at her . . . like really looked at her. He looked at her as if he could see right through her. As if he could see through the plastic exterior which was slowly melting into flesh and bone. She felt seen. But there was still this voice in the back of her head, whispering in her ear that this wasn't real. The voice hissed at her, telling her he didn't actually feel the same. It was the same voice which told her she didn't belong anywhere; that she was just a lonely little soul with no place to call home. So she looked at him for another affirmation that she didn't belong. She searched his eyes for a rejection. Everyone else had chewed her up and spit her out, and she despised it. But she knew if he rejected her . . . if he crushed her heart which sat in the palm of his hand, then all those other rejections would mean nothing. Because he mattered to her . . . and she wanted to matter to him.

But no rejection came. He never said those words which would make the twine wrap around her heart again. Those words never spilled from his lips, and the twine never returned. Instead, JJ just continued to look at her. He looked past all the facades Izzy had accumulated over the years until he found the real her. He found the person who she had tried so desperately to bury; the person everyone else had rejected, and then, he smiled.

Then, as confusion swarmed in Izzy's clouded head, he stepped forward and fell into her. His hands found their way to her face, his palms caressing her cheeks. He brought a hand up to curl a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear. His hand lingered there, his thumb grazing her jaw. He gave her one last look, searching her eyes before he released a sigh and rested his forehead against hers. "Tell me to stop," he murmured, his voice soft. He closed his eyes as if he couldn't take watching her reject him. "Tell me to stop and I'll leave. We can go back to being just friends. You don't gotta' do this because you feel you owe me or something. I don't ever want to make you feel like that. Ever."

Izzy was silent for a moment. You know why, she briefly heard. The phrase whispered in her ear like a soft, faint breath. She almost didn't hear it. But she had, and for the first time, she did know why. She knew why and she was so fucking relieved that she did.

You know why, the voice echoed in her brain once more, and she smiled. She lifted her hand and placed it over JJ's, holding it to her cheek. "I don't want you to stop," she whispered as she placed her other hand below his ear, her thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. His eyes opened, and she swore her soul didn't feel so lonely as he looked at her. That made her smile wider. "I want this, okay? I want you."

And that was all it took.

That was all it took for a smile to lift onto his face before he crashed into her and kissed her, his lips melding into hers. The world fell away the second the warmth of his breath fanned her face, making her mind melt. His lips were soft like velvet and warm against hers, the rhythm like a dance only they knew. It was soft and slow and comforted her in ways words never had. His hand slowly drifted to her hip and lingered there as he gripped onto the fabric of her shirt, bunching it. He pulled her closer until there was no space left between them and she could feel the beating of his heart against her chest. She wondered if it beat for her. But she didn't wonder for too long before he deepened the kiss and his other hand drifted down to her hip.

"Jump," he muttered against her mouth. He gently bit her bottom lip, and kissed her again as she snaked her arms around his neck then locked her legs around his hips. He grabbed her thighs, securing her to his body as he drifted toward her bed. He gently laid her down on the mattress and hovered over her with one of his hands still lingering on her hip as the other was situated next to her head to hold himself up.

Izzy briefly pulled away from him, her eyes flicking to his lips to see they were slightly swollen and red. She bit her lip to suppress a laugh. But JJ caught sight of her smile and bit the inside of his cheek as he shook his head before he leaned down and kissed her cheek then drifted his lips down to her jaw until he reached her neck. She splayed her hand against his chest, pushing him back slightly so she could sit up. Then, she glanced up at him as her hands drifted to the hem of his shirt and she tugged it over his head, discarding it on the floor. Her eyes drifted down to the purple bruises painting his skin and she felt her heart swell. The mere thought of him being in pain made an ache spread throughout her chest. She couldn't stand it. She liked him too much to see him in pain. She really, really liked him.

She hesitantly glanced up at him, only to find he was already staring at her with a conflicted look in his eyes. His eyes softened slightly when they made eye contact, and she could tell he was trying to put up a front for her. She didn't want him to do that. She didn't want him to hide his pain. She wanted him to feel safe with her just like she felt with him.

"You don't have to do that," she mumbled, her voice soft like a kiss on the cheek. "You don't have to pretend." She watched his eyes soften more, and his expression faltered as he roamed his gaze over her face, then he stepped closer and stretched out his hand so he could caress her cheek. She liked it when he was like this. He could be sweet when he wanted to. He could be gentle too. He had always been gentle with her . . . like she was made of glass and he was always anxious he'd break her.

A small sigh escaped Izzy's lips as she trailed her eyes back down to his bruised abdomen. She roamed her eyes over the purple and yellowish skin, then she stretched out her hand and gently brushed the bruised areas. She felt him tense under her touch before he slowly relaxed and a soft, almost inaudible sigh left his lips. Izzy glanced back up to meet his eyes the second she heard him sigh, then she leaned toward him and pressed her lips against his. It was a soft, short kiss, but it still managed to light her brain on fire and spread warmth throughout her body. She pulled away a second later and reached for the hem of her crewneck sweatshirt, but JJ put his hand on hers, halting her in her actions.

JJ searched her eyes for a second, asking too many questions with just one look. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked, his voice soft. "We can wait." He squeezed her hand and curled a piece of her blonde hair behind her ear with his other hand.

His words resonated with Izzy. She knew this meant more to him than just a hookup. And she totally got it, because for a long time, Izzy had used hookups as a way to fill the void in her chest, but that great big hole that plagued her heart had started to heal that summer. She wasn't just a hollow Barbie doll. She didn't have a void to fill. And she knew this wasn't just sex to her. It didn't feel like that. She had never felt like this before.

The world had made her believe her body would be the only thing she would ever have to offer, but she didn't feel like she was trying to please anyone. This didn't feel like just sex. It wasn't meaningless to her. This meant something to her. He meant something to her. She didn't know what the right word was to describe how she felt, and she thought that maybe that was okay. Maybe she didn't have to know how she felt. She just knew she cared about JJ Maybank . . . she really, really fucking cared about him, and she wanted this with him.

Izzy glanced back up at him and smiled. "Yeah, I'm sure," she said as she snaked her arms around his neck and tangled a hand in his blond waves. "You got me, right, Seaweed Brain?"

JJ smiled a smile which made Izzy blush, then he encircled his arms around her waist and drew her into him. "Yeah, I got you, Princess," he muttered, his breath fanning her face as he flicked his eyes down to her lips.

Time seemed to stand still, no longer blurring, as the two of them leaned in, their lips meeting. Izzy let him consume her, reveling in the way his lips melded into hers like they were melting into each other. She let her heart grow so full, she almost forgot about the void. She just let him consume her. His lips felt like fire in her veins, spreading warmth throughout her body as his lips trailed along her skin. She had felt this way before when they were dancing at Midsummers, but this was . . . unexplainable. This was euphoric. It was still a lovely way to burn, but perhaps now, she would let it consume her until all that was left behind were ashes.

And for a second, as they burned together like two lone flames flickering in the darkness, she thought maybe she could love him. Maybe she already did.

a/n: okay, i changed my user so if anyone was confused oops ❤️

&& when i said this broke my heart i meant in a good way. i might have accidentally worried some people. but jj and izzy are my babies and i would never hurt them too much. && the only song i listened to while writing this was "someone to you" and "arms" and it shows.

also, i didn't want them to pull a sarah and john b and say "i love you" because that wouldn't make any sense for izzy's character. like jj would be like "yeah, ily" and izzy would be like "um thanks?" LIKE trust me, it's pretty obvious that she loves him, but because of how she was raised and the world she was shoved into, love is so taboo to her that she can't even recognize it!!!

also also i rly wish y'all could see izzy's closet and her clothes. like pls she's so aesthetic and i love her sm. honestly, her clothes do look a lot like something that would be on euphoria ,,,, like maddy's clothes?? that's so izzy,,,,

anyways, thanks for reading!!