chapter fifteen
izzy windsor is like the sun

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         Sometimes Izzy thought she was like the sun. Maybe it was just the part of her that liked to romanticize her life. Because she did. Glamorize her life, she meant. Not in the way you'd think though. She didn't expect people to be rolling out red carpets for her every time she decided to leave her estate (and she didn't fucking want that). She just looked at her life like she was the sun, and everyone else was orbiting around her. But she knew it wasn't all that. She lived in the middle of nowhere in blazing hot North Carolina with a dead mother and an absent father on her hands. There was nothing glamorous about that, and there was no beautiful way to describe how lonely it all made her feel.

          And as the night bled into the day, she was reminded of that loneliness.

          The hours had passed, and the sun had almost been swallowed by the moon, leaving the three girls to sit on the edge of the boat, their feet dangling as they waited for the boys to arrive. They had been waiting all day, and their patience was slowly draining, but they didn't mind it too much. They had each other and that was enough to pass the time quickly. The other two girls hadn't even noticed that the sun had begun to set. But Izzy had.

          Izzy kept her eyes trained on the setting sun, and memorized the colors of orange and red painting the sky. It helped ease her thoughts and nurse the feeling of being alone. And, yeah, she knew she wasn't alone. Not anymore. She was trying to remember that. She had Sarah, and she now knew the girl didn't just stay with her because of her dead mother. She had stayed because she wanted to, and that made Izzy warm. And now she finally had Kiara back.

          She had her stars back, and she felt like the sun in the purest sense. She felt warm, not lonely. She felt like the sun in the sense that she had a purpose . . . like she mattered. It was nice to feel wanted by people who cared.

          A smile lifted onto her lips as those thoughts eroded the feeling of loneliness eating away at her slowly healing heart. But then she saw him, and her smile faltered.

          You know why, she suddenly heard Kiara's voice ring throughout her ears as she watched the boys steer toward them in another boat with HMS Pogue painted on the side. She barely noticed the other boys, her eyes were solely trained on the blond boy with sunglasses masking his blue eyes and a rope wrapped around his shoulder. You know why, she heard again, this time the words made her heart swell in her chest. Did she know? She had just broken up with Rafe. She didn't expect this. She didn't expect it at all. But maybe she didn't know why. Maybe she was overthinking it like she always did. Maybe this was all in her head.

"You forget your keys or something?" John B mockingly called out as he coasted the boat closer to the girls, letting it drift through the water.

"You need a tow?" Pope added, laughing slightly as he leaned back against the boat ledge.

Kiara rolled her eyes and turned to look at the girls. "Don't give them the satisfaction of thinking this worked," she said, raising a brow.

Sarah smirked. "Absolutely not."

Izzy shook her head. She was still very much out of touch with reality. "Wouldn't dream of it," mumbled as she tried to force her thoughts to the back of her mind. She didn't need to be wondering if JJ Maybank liked her at that very moment in time. It only confused her more.

"Well—" JJ began with a smirk tugging at his lips as he rested his foot on the ledge of the boat— "they're all alive and Izzy's knuckles aren't bruised so no one got hit." His sunglasses covered his eyes, but Izzy could tell his attention was trained on her and that smug look was meant to get under her skin.

Izzy pursed her lips. "Yet," she spat as she raised a brow and looked the boy up and down.

JJ cupped a hand around his ear and leaned forward. "What was that?" he asked, his voice dripping with amusement.

          Izzy crossed her arms over her chest and shrugged. "They're not bruised . . . yet," she muttered as she glared at him. But still, she could not shake the thoughts raiding her mind, and she began to feel queasy, her stomach fluttering with nerves.

          A small shocked laugh left JJ's lips as he raised his brows. "Oh, oh, oh, coming at me with threats now, huh?" he questioned.

          Izzy rolled her eyes and ignored his comment, all the while trying to ignore the way the twine wrapped around her heart seemed to disintegrate the longer he stared at her. She tried to ignore the way her body seemed to scream at her that she did know why, and she cleared her throat. "You know . . . I think that counted as kidnapping," she said as she glanced at all the boys, an unamused expression stretched across her face. "I could sue. All of you."

          JJ nodded, mockingly. "Uh-huh, sure."

          Izzy only flipped him off.

          The corners of JJ's lips twitched. "That's real cute," he mocked as he adjusted the rope wrapped around his shoulder and shook his head, his body shaking slightly with laughter.

John B glanced at JJ, then laughed before he turned back to the girls. "You gotta admit it was funny," he mused as he leaned on his arms and propped his feet up on the ledge of the boat.

Kiara only shook her head. "John B."

John B raised a brow. "Uh, what's that?"

"Mastermind, huh?" Kiara hummed as she raised a brow and crossed her arms over her chest.

John B sent her a head nod. "I'm always plannin'."

Kiara rolled her eyes. "Some patriarchal bullshit," she muttered as she stood to her feet and brushed off the back of her shorts.

"Yeah, that sucked," Sarah agreed. She stood to her feet as well as she crossed her arms over her chest and sent her boyfriend an unamused look.

A grin slid onto JJ's face. "You still love us though, right?" he asked as he glanced at Izzy and raised a brow. He then shrugged the rope from his shoulder and gestured for Kiara to catch it. "Kie, here."

Kiara pursed her lips. "Yeah, whatever," she muttered, but nevertheless, she stretched out her arms, gesturing for JJ to toss her the rope. He threw it to her, and she caught it, then tied it around the anchor bend.

"Hey," John B began, his eyes trained on Sarah, "you still hate me?"

Sarah shifted her gaze to his face and gave him a look. "A little," she said as she shrugged her shoulders. "We're gonna get you back when you least expect it."

Kiara nodded, grinning slightly. "Watch your back, boys."

Pope raised his brows and nodded. "I welcome that challenge," he announced.

"Me too," JJ agreed.

Pope snapped his fingers at the boy then turned his attention back to the girls and trained his eyes on Kiara. "So, did you guys, you know . . . ?" he trailed off, his words tangling around his tongue.

Kiara narrowed her eyes. "Reconcile our differences?" she asked, her words trailing off to a dead end. She hummed, then released a sigh, and shook her head. "Not even close."

"But—" Sarah glanced at the other two girls and grinned— "we're . . . willing to work together."

"At least for this," Izzy muttered, finally finding her words. But her mind was somewhere else. It never left that place. Her thoughts were consumed by the things Kiara and Sarah had told her the day before. She just couldn't shake their words. You know why. Like you don't see it. He has always cared about you. He let you in. Their voices kept repeating over and over in her head like a mantra, making it hard to focus on reality without being swept up in a sea of 'what if's'.

"You know what?" John B remarked as he shrugged his shoulders. "That's victory."

"Yep," JJ agreed. The sunglasses covered his eyes, but Izzy could sense his gaze was trained on her. It made her heart beat faster. You know why.

Pope laughed. "Woogity-woogity-woogity!" He and JJ exchanged a handshake (probably one they had made up in their free time).

"Know why?" JJ prompted, raising his brows. "Hydroponic."

Pope shook his head. "Don't say that."

"All right—" John B turned to look at the two and shook his head— "shut up." He turned back to the girls, his eyes quickly landing on Sarah. A smile lifted onto his face a second later. "You guys ready to jack someone up?"

The girls looked at each other before Kiara shrugged. "Yeah, whatever," she muttered as she swung her leg over the ledge and hopped into the boat, joining the boys. She sat next to Pope and released a sigh as she leaned against the ledge. Sarah followed her lead, and sat down next to John B.

Izzy still stood on the other boat as she glanced at the murky water below her and sighed. If she slipped, she'd fall into the water and wouldn't be able to swim to the surface. She wondered what it would feel like to drown. Would she be scared? Maybe it felt like when you hold your breath for too long to see how long you can last. Maybe it was like that. It didn't seem too bad. She had heard it was one of the most peaceful ways to go. But before she could let her thoughts consume her, a hand stretched out toward her, easing her fears. She glanced up, finding the hand belonged to JJ Maybank.

"Come on," JJ began as he gestured for her to take his hand, "in the boat."

The twine wrapped around her heart had fully dissolved into the organ. Izzy ignored that fact and pursed her lips before she gave in and clasped JJ's hand. She jumped onto the boat with his help and stood next to him, studying his face. She narrowed her eyes into slits then reached forward and grabbed the sunglasses from his face. She slid them onto her face to mask her eyes.

JJ scoffed, "Hey, now." But the corners of his lips still twitched into an amused grin.

Izzy only pursed her lips and shrugged. "I'm being blinded," she simply said. "Plus, you owe me after that shit."

JJ bit the inside of his cheek to contain his grin. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," he mused.

As those words left his lips, Izzy turned to him and flipped him off. That seemed to amuse JJ as he let out this laugh and shook his head. Izzy would have found this more amusing if her mind wasn't some place else entirely. But she wasn't there. She was caught up in a sea of 'what if's' and the sound of JJ's laughter only made those thoughts consume her more.

You know why. And for a second, she thought she did. That only scared her more, because here was the deal: every time, again and again, once feelings got in the way, everything became complicated. It was like sex was the easy part, at least, it always had been to Izzy Windsor. Giving her heart to somebody. That was the scary part, and Izzy realized as her friends' voices consumed her thoughts, that she was scared out of her mind.

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          The sun had died for the moon, allowing the celestial body to shine among the stars as a blanket of darkness cast over the island. It was now night, and a few hours had passed since the boys retrieved the girls. And as the stars began to shine brighter in the sky and the fireflies flew through the night sky, Izzy had begun to grow anxious. She didn't know why exactly. Her stomach was just filled with butterflies, and she couldn't shake the feeling. A part of her wondered if it had to do with the 'You know why' bullshit that had been clouding her mind since she fell asleep last night. The next day had only consumed her with more thoughts of those words.

          She tried to ignore the uneasy feeling as she drove to her estate, and changed into black jeans and an old black crewneck which she wore when she painted. (The boys said she needed to wear black, which she sounded odd, but she didn't put up much of a fight. She only rolled her eyes.) She didn't really care if she didn't look her best. They would be in the dark after all, and she didn't feel like dressing up or putting on makeup. Don't get her wrong, she loved makeup. She did. But she didn't feel like making an effort at that very moment, and that didn't bother her. Besides she wasn't trying to impress anyone . . . and she didn't want to. Plus, she knew she was pretty without and with makeup anyway.

          That very realization made her smile at her reflection. She looked at her reflection, and stared into her green eyes, and for the first time, she saw herself. She wasn't staring at the ghost of her mother; she was looking at herself, Izzy Windsor. It was enough to make her heart swell. And she took that as a good sign, letting it consume her uneasy thoughts.

          You have to live for her, she repeated in her head as she stared at her reflection. And she was. She was trying to, and she thought it might be working. It had to be.

          Those thoughts consumed her mind as she left her house and hopped into her car to make her way to John B's house. They had given her directions before she left the dock, so it wasn't that hard to find. And as she pulled into the dirt driveway, she realized the place where the group first had their meeting had actually been his place of residence. It was his home. He felt at home there. And while Izzy had never felt at home anywhere, a warmth she couldn't describe spread throughout her chest as she parked her car and stared at the house. She didn't know why it had occurred, but the warmth eased her racing mind for a second, letting her enjoy a moment of bliss.

          "Iz?" someone called out to her, disrupting her bliss, but she didn't look to see who it was. She already knew who had called out to her. The tone of their voice was enough to tell who was trying to get her attention.

          With a small sigh, she slid out of her convertible, finally glanced up to see JJ Maybank waving her over to him. She felt the twine wrapped around her heart slowly disintegrate into the organ like it had done earlier that day, but she tried to ignore that. She shook her head and cleared her throat. "JJ . . . " she acknowledged, her words trailing off as she approached the boy. He was standing next to that ugly van of theirs, and then she realized why she had been anxious.

          "Hey . . . the others are getting the shit together inside," JJ said as he threw a coiled up rope into the back of the van. He brushed off his hands on his cargo shorts then crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the exterior of the van. "And you—" he pointed at Izzy, then gestured to inside the van— "you get the first pick. Sit wherever you want."

          "Oh," was all Izzy said. It was all she could manage. Her head was too clouded to think of a better response. But she couldn't help it. She realized only then that she'd have to ride in the back of the van while someone else drove them to their destination. And, sure, maybe she was overreacting. Maybe it was an irrational fear, but the thought of someone else being behind the wheel while she had no control, made her heart jump to her throat.

          "You good?" JJ abruptly asked, snapping her out of her trance. He outstretched his hand to brush her arm with his fingertips. "You look a bit . . . green."

          Izzy rolled her eyes at his proposition and clenched her jaw. "Shut up," she murmured. She felt stupid if she admitted that not being behind the wheel terrified her out of her mind. It sounded so childish. But . . . JJ had driven her home before. Maybe he'd get it. He got a lot of things about her after all. Maybe he'd get this. "I just . . . I can't drive unless I'm behind the wheel, but I can't do that. It's called a getaway car, not getaway cars."

          JJ blinked. "Just don't think about it," he offered, his words coming out strained. It was clear he had no idea what to do in a situation like this. "Nothing's going to happen. I swear." He brought his hand to her arm and squeezed in reassurance.

          Izzy only sent him a face. "Oh, yes, thank you, Einstein," she muttered as she rolled her eyes. "I feel so much better now."

          The corners of JJ's lips twitched. "Okay, fine . . . then . . . ask me something to take your mind off of it," he suggested.

          Izzy pursed her lips. She felt stupid. "I don't want to ask you anything."

          "I'm trying to help here," JJ deadpanned as he shot her a look. "You gotta' give me something, Windsor."

          She opened her mouth to refuse his suggestion once again, but before she could, she became hyper aware of his hand on her arm. She glanced between his hand and his face as her friends' voices came back to haunt her. You know why. She didn't know if she actually knew anything, but she had this gut-feeling that she couldn't shake. But the thing was . . . did she even want to know? . . . A part of her did.

          That part of her took control. "God, fine. Okay, I got it," Izzy blurted out before she could stop herself. It was too late to back track anyway. She was determined to find out if Kiara and Sarah were right about JJ liking her or if they were just full of shit. "Imagine a future where you get everything you want. You know? You get the gold, you cash it, and you splurge on everything you have ever wanted." She paused and searched his face. Confusion and something else that she couldn't quite place swirled in his eyes. "So imagine that . . .  imagine a future where all your dreams come true."

          JJ closed his eyes for a moment before he nodded. "Got it," he said as his eyes fluttered open and met Izzy's focused gaze.

          Izzy wet her lips and breathed out slowly. "Now, who's standing beside you?" she pondered out loud. For a second she let herself believe that he'd say her name. She let herself believe that she'd be the one standing next to him . . . and she didn't exactly know why . . . but it made her heart swell in her chest. "Who do you want next to you when all your dreams come true?"

          JJ furrowed his brows. "Odd, question, but okay . . . " he murmured, trailing off as he searched her eyes. He didn't say anything for a minute, he just stared at her. And as he stared, his eyes seemed to light up, but they quickly dimmed as the seconds ticked by. Then he dropped his hand from her arm and released a small, almost inaudible sigh. "Uh, no one. Me and my big bucks will do."

          And just like that, the twine was back, constricting around her heart, and ripping the organ at its edges. Izzy didn't know why his answer bothered her so much. Maybe it had to do with her rejection problem. But a part of her knew it went deeper than that. Because she used to like him, and maybe that was why it bothered her so much. She used to like him, and she thought he liked her . . . but obviously not. That shouldn't have bothered her anyway. She couldn't like him now. That was the point. She was just irritated that he had indirectly rejected her. That was what she blamed it on—her fear of rejection because that was all it was. That was it. It had to be.

          Izzy shook her head at her thoughts, then pursed her lips. "Such an eloquent answer," she muttered, trying to sound monotonous but her voice came out bitter.

          A grin tugged at his lips. "Thank you," JJ said, and gave her a wink.

          "Wasn't a compliment," Izzy muttered. Her heart still swelled in her chest and she thought about ripping it out.

          "Ah—" JJ put his hand on his chest— "but I took it as one."

          Izzy tried offering him a smile, but she couldn't. It shouldn't have bothered her that much. She liked him three years ago . . . maybe a little more than she should have, but that was in the past. She was trying to let go of the past, she should have let this go too.

          The screen door to John B's house swung open, slamming against the wall as the other teenagers trudged down the steps with supplies in their hands. "All right, we got everything?" John B asked as he glanced back at the rest of the group. "Rope, grappling hook, pulley . . . all good. We're ready."

          With a fleeting look, John B approached the van and threw in the grappling hook before he wiped his hands on his pants and walked toward the driver's seat, hopping in and sliding behind the wheel. Sarah followed his lead and jumped in the passenger's seat while Pope threw the pulley into the back and climbed in.

          "Let's go get that four hundred mill," Kiara said as she hopped into the van and sat in the back next to Pope.

          "Four hundred, really?" Izzy commented. The money was really no concern of hers, so she hadn't asked how much they planned to retrieve. It wasn't like she really cared about it either. Money had never been taboo to her. She felt stupid for thinking it, but four hundred million dollars wasn't that big of a deal to her. It was a big deal, sure, but she had almost twice that. It made her realize just how much she actually had . . . which made her feel stupid for even joining them on this endeavor.

          JJ hopped in the back and leaned forward so he was angled toward the Windsor girl. "Yeah, we're gonna give you a run for your money," he retorted, with a smug grin crawling onto his face.

           He received no reply. Izzy only gave him a curt nod before she climbed into the back, and sat next to him. It was a tight fit, but she managed to sit comfortably without feeling too squished. But her calmed state only lasted for so long before John B started the engine, sending her into a state of panic, and she began to feel like she was suffocating. She tried calming her breathing but her heart only beat faster in her chest, and she had the sudden urge to jump out the window. She squeezed her eyes shut, searching for the stars which formed in the darkness to calm her senses, but she only felt worse as she felt the van head onto the road. She was about to tell John B to stop the car so she could take hers, when she felt a hand rest on her knee. Her eyes fluttered open and she glanced at the hand on her knee, then trailed her eyes up, finding JJ was watching her with concern in his eyes.

          You know why, she heard Kiara's voice ring throughout her ears as she stared at the boy. But she didn't know why. She thought she might, but he clearly didn't like her in that way. He was just trying to comfort her because they were friends.

          Izzy only shot him a strained smile in response, and tried to focus on his hand resting on her knee as the van drove toward their destination. But her mind kept drifting to her friends' words. She kept hearing them tell her she knew why JJ never stopped bugging her since the day they went their separate ways. But they weren't right. They couldn't be. And for some reason that had left a bitter taste in her mouth.

If you asked her why she was so bothered by JJ's indirect rejection, she wouldn't be able to tell you. She didn't even really know. It just bothered her. It had gotten under her skin. JJ Maybank was buried under the epidermis of her skin, and she had no idea how to shake him off. She didn't even know if she wanted to. She just didn't know. She only knew that if she really was like the sun, she'd burn out if it meant letting him breathe.

a/n: this took a little to update, but like i'm double updating a little later so hopefully that'll make up for it! but anyway, if there are mistakes, my bad, i didn't proofread 👁👁

bonus ~note~ i uploaded this on their pinterest board, but it's just too good not to share here. but yeah, this post is so jj & izzy if i do say so myself. jj would 100% say this & izzy would be like: ➖👄➖ oh to see without my eyes

n e wayz, thanks for reading!