"OH YEAH! THIS IS NAPPENING."

[ STARRING: ]

AuthorJonathanMara as JONATHAN, the infamous yet gentlemanly COOKIE BURGLAR

@BasilGrey as BASIL, the friendly, melodramatic GIRL WHO UNSUSPECTINGLY LEFT A TRAY OF COOKIES ON THE TABLE FOR BARELY AN HOUR, LIKE HEY WHAT GIVES

A. Cookie as A COOKIE, a food prop that definitely didn't last too long

• • •

Brought to you by Catachresis Filmography...

...a Debatably Universal Production...

...in full Surround Silence and Technigreyscale...

...totally endorsed by some of these guys...

...and based on a writing prompt of my own design...

...we present to you...

COOKIENAPPED

EPISODE 1: THE NAPPENING

• • •

[ACT 1]

EXT. BAKERY - NIGHT

OPENS with a shot of a dark bakery exterior, the windows dimly lit. Outside, a shadowy man stands in front of the door.

NARRATOR:
One warm night, a man stood in front of a bakery. No one knew him. No one knew where he had come from.

JONATHAN:
[glances upward]
I'm from Tennessee.

Narrator:
I stand corrected. Now quit talking to me; we aren't due to break the fourth wall for another two scenes.

Jonathan:
[rolls eyes]

Narrator:
Y—You know what, we don't even need to start here. Never mind. Let's back up to about 7 PM, and start with an establishing shot of Basil's house, a mere half of a block away...

EXT. BASIL'S HOUSE - DUSK

SCENE CHANGE to an establishing shot of Basil's house, the camera zooming in very faintly toward the kitchen window, where a silhouette is visible, walking back and forth.

INT. BASIL'S KITCHEN - DUSK

BASIL:
[humming the dramatic duh-dun theme from Jaws]
[puts ingredients back into cupboards, tidying up the kitchen while waiting for a batch of cookies to finish baking]

[Timer dings]

Basil:
[looks up in surprise]
That's weird. Nobody uses timers that actually ding anymore. We prefer the convenient, obnoxious beeping of the oven timer. Or so I thought...

Basil:
[narrows eyes suspiciously at oven]

[Camera pans ominously in on oven; dramatic music plays in background.]

[Camera zooms back out and perfectly ordinary, cheery music resumes playing.]

Basil:
[Shrugs and grabs floral-patterned oven mitts, going to retrieve the cookies out of the oven]

[Squiggly lines rise from the batch of warm, freshly-baked cookies, indicating the visible smell of goodness.]

Basil:
Mmm, chocolate chip!

CONT. BASIL'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Basil:
[Slides cookies off the tray and onto a cooling rack on the table near the dining room window]
[Visibly debates grabbing one, but after seven consecutive times of reaching for a cookie and stopping, nobly and heroically thinks better of it]

Basil:
Later. These are for later. Gotta have some to take to the unspecified but very important event tomorrow!
[Turns away and leaves for the kitchen to put the tray in the sink]

[Camera pans slowly in on the window behind the dining room table]

[A conveniently-timed storm begins brewing outside. A flash of lightning in the distance illuminates a dark, ominous silhouette standing outside the window.]

[A newspaper blows onto the figure. The silhouette jumps, visibly startled, but quickly throws off the newspaper and returns to being still and ominous.]

EXT. BASIL'S BACKYARD - NIGHT

[Camera is focused on a small section of patio. The cast-away newspaper tumbles into view and lays out flat, revealing the ominous headline: UNKNOWN COOKIENAPPER AT LARGE - NO COOKIE IS SAFE.]

INT. BASIL'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Basil:
[Still humming as she washes the cookie sheet, but has changed the tune to Sports Utility Vehicle for no clear reason]
Okay, one batch of chocolate chip cookies down, one batch of snickerdoodles to go!

Narrator:
What's with all the cookies?

Basil:
[doesn't even look up from doing the dishes]
Well, since I might end up eating half of them, I figured I'd make twice as many as I need for tomorrow. You know; gotta allow for accidental cookie demolition.

Narrator:
Hm.

Basil:
[moves on to washing the measuring spoons]

Narrator:
Okay, those dishes are taking too long. For the sake of plot progression, can I ask if you have any cinnamon left for your snickerdoodles?

Basil:
[pauses and blinks slowly as she dries her hands on a dishcloth]
Uh...

Basil:
[hurries over to the cabinet and pokes around for the cinnamon]

[Grabs a small glass shaker labeled CINNAMON, which is empty]

Basil:
[stares into the camera like she's on The Office]
This calls for an emergency trip to the store. Also, I probably shouldn't make references to The Office, since I've never seen it.

Narrator:
Good call. Now go on, plot progression needs you.

Basil:
FOR PLOT PROGRESSION!

[Basil grabs three cookies and heroically exits through the front door.]

The door closes behind her. The camera stays motionless. Then, on the door, we see the silhouetted shadow of a moonlit window sliding open, and a shadowy figure hoisting itself up and creeping inside.

The shadow falls still for a long moment.

With a sharp, dramatic DUN, the screen goes black.

---

[ACT TWO]

EXT. BASIL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[BASIL, albeit having gone shopping for one mere shaker of cinnamon, is now carrying what appears to be twelve large Wal-Mart bags. It must be some kind of superhuman feat, carrying them all. Or else she must really not like having to make a second trip.]

[The camera follows Basil as she approaches the front door, ready to open it. However, someone appears to have left her door ajar.]

Basil:
[stares, wide-eyed for a moment]
...Did... somebody leave my door ajar?

Narrator:
Oh. Yeah, that was me. I needed to borrow your restroom during the empty period of nothingness between acts. Hope you don't mind.

[Basil visibly relaxes.]

Basil:
Oh, that's fine. As long as you didn't let any mice into the house!

[Basil, conveniently freed from the would-be impossible task of opening the door with twelve Wal-Mart bags in her hands, hums to herself as she leans on the door with her shoulder and walks into the house.]

[However, she immediately goes pale. There, standing in her kitchen, with his shoes still on I might add, is the notorious COOKIE BURGLAR. He stands behind the kitchen table, in front of a wholly empty COOKIE RACK, which is void of every chocolate chip cookie except the one in his hand.]

Basil:
AHH! A MOUSE!

[Jonathan stares, falling motionless. Rightfully so, as some Basils are like the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex, and rely on the movement of their prey to actually notice it being there.]

[Basil, shocked that a notorious cookie criminal would trail mud in the house and then eat all her baked goods, drops the sacks she's holding. Probably bruising the bananas in the process. And breaking open at least one yogurt container. That'll be fun to clean up later.]

[However, Basil does not appear concerned about the fact that an infamous cookie burglar is in her kitchen. It appears to be the identity of said cookie burglar that surprises her.]

Basil:
[gawks for a minute, trying to process the loss of her glorious cookies, and the arrival of an old friend]
Waitwaitwaitwait... Jonathan?

[Jonathan attempts to remain perfectly still, in a noble, last-ditch effort to evade detection. But instinctively, perhaps guiltily, his gaze drops down to the single cookie in his hand.]

Basil:
[drops the kazoo she was suddenly holding in shock]
[it makes a faint kazoo noise while it falls, which only adds to the drama of the situation, trust me on this]
SO IT WAS YOU?

[The cookie burglar, who probably should have worn a mask of some sort, is faced with two options: Stay and face the consequences of his actions (i.e. Basil demanding to know if he even had milk with those poor cookies), or make an epic exit into the night.]

[Clearly, since we're not even halfway through the episode, the last one is in order.]

[Jonathan takes one look at the cookie in his hand, then one look at the still-open window across the room—and then, dropping the cookie to the counter, he takes off and vaults stealthily through the window, fleeing into the night.]

[Epically. Because honestly, being able to vault through open windows with no hesitation is really cool.]

Basil:
NOOO—
[reaches out one hand dramatically before collapsing to the floor, sobbing]
My cookies, they're gone, they're all gone...

[ FIVE MINUTES LATER ]

[ LIKE, FIVE WHOLE MINUTES OF MELODRAMATIC SOBBING LATER; SERIOUSLY THEY WERE JUST COOKIES, WEREN'T YOU WERE GOING TO SHARE THEM ANYWAY ]

Basil:
[has over-dramatically sobbed her overly-dramatic heart out until she can do so no more]

Basil:
[rises up dramatically]
They must be AVENGED

Narrator:
Is that really the best course of action?

Basil:
[pauses to think about this for a moment, then shrugs]
Probably? You know, "vengeance is fine, saith the Lord," or something like that...

Narrator:
That somehow doesn't sound like an exact quote.

Basil:
Details, details. Now, to plot my revenge...

Narrator:
I... didn't think you seemed like the type to plot revenge.

Basil:
[shrugs casually]
I'm not. But if I choose the best course of action, which would be happily forgiving my friend and proceeding to put my groceries away, this is gonna get kind of boring.

Narrator:
I see.

Basil:
[clears throat]
Now, to plot my revenge...

SCENE CHANGE back to the dimly-lit bakery we started at. It's nighttime, and Jonathan stands in front of the door. Just like at the beginning. Except now it's relevant to the plot and makes more sense considering the timeline of things.

EXT. BAKERY - NIGHT

Narrator:
Okay, we're chronologically here now. Please continue... whatever you're doing. Is the bakery even open this late?

Jonathan:
[steps over to the door and grabs the handle, rattling the door a couple times]
It doesn't look like it.

Narrator:
Huh. That's too bad, if you're trying to get in. Let me google their hours. Maybe you can timeskip into tomorrow and it'll be open then.

[Jonathan has other plans. While the Narrator is distracted, he creeps around to a side window of the bakery to to see if it's locked.]

EXT. SIDE OF BAKERY - NIGHT

[It's not locked. It's not even closed. There's still a pie sitting on the windowsill to cool, just like in Ye Olden Days when insects and kids stealing your pies apparently weren't problems.]

Jonathan:
[puts his Cool Spy Brand Espionage-Grade Lock-Picking Set (Pitch Black)™ (New and Used: Starting at $49.99 - Buy it on Amazon) back into his pocket, slightly disappointed]

[However, he is not deterred by this lack of an opportunity to look cool by picking a lock. A fictional commission for product placement will have to do. Skillfully, he moves the thoroughly-cooled pie aside, and with a practiced leap, jumps through the open window.]

INT. BAKERY KITCHEN - NIGHT

[Jonathan lands deftly inside the bakery's kitchen. Inside, cream-colored tile flooring and countertops are accented by vaguely cute but stylistically-outdated sea-foam green cabinets with gold knobs. It feels very 70s.]

[Ignoring the fact that it's weird that sea foam green was ever a color option for backsplash tiling, let alone the fact that someone went "Oh yeah! That's the color I want!", Jonathan pads softly across the kitchen and toward the front counter, where the cash register and display cases are located.]

[Many criminals would be looking at the cash register at this point—but our noble antagonist has a different goal in mind.]

Jonathan:
[stealthily unlatches the sliding glass door on the back of the display case, sliding it to the side to reveal rows and rows of the previous days' cookies.]

Narrator:
More cookies? Didn't you have enough?

[Jonathan's expert eye scans the cookie types, calculating the value and flavor of each of them. There's peanut butter, chocolate chip, shortbread, sugar cookies, peanut butter-chocolate chip-shortbread-sugar cookies... not the widest variety ever, but not a bad selection. There's even a cannoli.]

Jonathan:
[Suddenly spins around and expertly grabs a take-home box off a nearby supply shelf, whipping the top open and again turning to face the unsuspecting cookies.]

[It looks so cool that if there were an explosion behind him, he would suddenly be walking toward the cookies in slow motion and not even looking back.]

Jonathan:
[smirks darkly]
There's a reason they call me the COOKIE BURGLAR.

Narrator:
Oh. What? Really? Wow. I never would've been able to guess.

[There is silence for a moment. Jonathan glances up at where the narrator presumably is, an unimpressed look crossing his face.]

Jonathan:
...To be honest, it has really not been worth it to acknowledge your existence.

Narrator:
[sighs tiredly]
It never is. I think that's why most characters ignore me.

Jonathan:
[takes a deep breath and lets it out, shaking his head and returning to the task at hand]

[With slight a look of hesitation, he sets a few five-dollar bills on the bakery's counter, then pushes up his sleeves, preparing to do his thing.]

SCENE CHANGE back to Basil's house. Basil has been formulating the most devious master plan ever devised by plan-formulation devisers. Or real estate devisors. Or even two-digit divisors. Insert evil chuckling here.

Quick ACTION-STYLE MONTAGE of Basil at various places around her house, accompanied by Mission Impossible music.

Basil:
[is on a stepladder, positioning a bucket of cold water carefully over the door]

Basil:
[in the kitchen, taping the sink sprayer on]

Basil:
[puts clear plastic wrap over the doorway]
[without knocking the bucket of ice water onto herself. Points to Basil right there.]

Basil:
[puts mayonnaise into a container marked Delicious Vanilla Pudding - Needs Eaten! and puts it in the fridge]

Basil:
Da-da-daaa... da-da-daaa... Da-da-daaa!

Narrator:
I don't think you need to sing along with the soundtrack.

Basil:
[blinks]
Sorry. Anyway, my traps have been set. There's no way he'll be able to avoid them now!

Jonathan:
[comes in through the window holding a large paper sack]

Basil:
Oh. Unless he does that.

Narrator:
So much for that plan.

Basil:
[looks at Jonathan, a slightly sad look on her face]
Hi again. I'm all out of cookies.

Jonathan:
[looks down at the large sack he's holding]
Well... not anymore.

[Jonathan opens the paper sack, pulling out a bakery box of a wide, colorful assortment of cookies.]

Jonathan:
I'm sorry, I should learn to control myself. You can have these from the bakery. Although yours were better. I hope we can be friends again.

Basil:
[pupils defy several basic known laws of physics and anatomy by growing big and sparkly]
Real, live bakery cookies? Wow! I haven't had these since I was like, ten! Thank you, kind cookie burglar, for your noble un-burgling!

Narrator:
Are you sure that's a word?

[Basil pays no need to the ungrateful, disembodied narrator, who honestly doesn't have a body so really why should we bother listening to him, and instead takes a large bite out of a buttery, soft, sugary bakery cookie that she's taken from the box.]

Jonathan:
[glances hesitantly at the box, then back at Basil]
...Are they okay?

Basil:
[too busy eating cookies to answer for a minute]
Mm... oh, mm... buttery, soft, and with more sugar than I could ever bake into a cookie with a clear conscience! Delicious! All is forgiven! Provided you help me eat all these, of course. In fact...

[Basil hands him the last remaining chocolate chip cookie she baked earlier.]

Basil:
I think you dropped this.

Jonathan:
[cracks a grin]
Well, I'm a little full, but... I'm sure I could manage one or two.

Basil:
Awesome! And thus a happy ending comes to an ominous story.

Jonathan:
Yeah!

[The pair hug, then pour two glasses of milk. Camera pans away to a moonlit window.]

THE END...

...?

[ ROLL CREDITS ]

• • •

Next time on... COOKIENAPPED:

DUN-DA-DUN, DUN-DUN DUN DUN...

"SAVE THE COOKIES!"

[A shadowy figure appears in the doorway, revealing not Shadowy Figure, but an ominous figure with a cowboy hat]

"No."

[Various dramatic or not-dramatic shots appear, including a close-up of a truck tire pulling away, a cookie falling and shattering to pieces, timelapse of an ice cream cone melting, a frog doing that thing where they puff out their throat really big, and a random rotating pineapple accompanied by brief Hawaiian music]

"MY WATERMELON!"

"'Sup, dawg."

"Don't ever say 'sup, dawg' again."

"...Fine."

[A dramatic shot of a snow-capped mountain range pans by, followed by a dark and mysterious cavern, a close-up of a tiny jumping spider, and the door to Basil's utility meters. A pizza box opens, revealing... nothing.]

"DRAMATIC GASP!"

"Please never say 'dramatic gasp' again either."

"Reluctant sigh."

[With the sound of a heavy door slamming, screen goes black.]

[There is a long, suspenseful pause.]

"...Guys? Who turned out the lights?"

THIS WILL BE THE SEASON TO END. ALL.

COMING TO THEATERS WHO EVEN KNOWS WHEN.

• • •

[ OPEN AUDITIONS: ]

Catachresis Filmography is now accepting auditions for the roles of...

ANOTHER COOKIENAPPER, BUT WITH A COWBOY HAT

BASIL'S FRIEND WHO KEEPS EATING THE COOKIES

SHADOWY FIGURE

LOST TOUR GUIDE

COOL GRANDMOTHER

CONSPIRACY SPY PRINCESS (I'm not aiming these at people what are you talking about)

PIZZA DELIVERY NINJA

PERSON WITH PINEAPPLE

TALKING KIWI-CHIPMUNK GRYPHON

ANY OTHER CHARACTER IDEAS YOU GUYS CAN COME UP WITH

To audition: Just inline comment! No talent required!

Requirements: Just a little information about the personality you'll be giving your character, especially if it's the top two or last one. Not really necessary for the rest if I know you; their roles aren't as major. (Gasp, you say in shock! Why isn't Pizza Delivery Ninja a major role? Because ninjas and pizza deliverymen are both notorious for disappearing mysteriously into the night, that's why.)

(If you'd like to take more than one role, you definitely can, but please know that if the roles interact then I will have your character run offscreen and put on a fake mustache before coming back to talk as the other character.)

Mini disclaimer: Yes, I know that this isn't actually how to write a script, but real scripts aren't really meant to present a detailed visual picture, and I wanted to make this more actively voiced and fun to read. (I don't know if it worked. XD) I was considering writing this in official script format, but most people aren't used to that style, so I went the Creative License™ route and did it a bit differently. My apologies to anyone who's cringing at my use of brackets! I think I'll try it the real way next time.

The gifs used are from the Disney cartoon Milo Murphy's Law. All credit for those go to the MML crew!

And last but not least, I'd like to give a special thanks to my co-star and thoughtful antagonist, AuthorJonathanMara! Thanks for letting me probably do a terrible job writing you as a cookie burglar! This birthday present is very late, for which I sincerely apologize. This got way too long; sorry. 😅 Happy appreciated understated propagated alleviated condensated fantasticated belated birthday!

*acceptance speech voice* THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL! I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE INVOLVED. NAMELY ME! I AM THE SMALLEST PERSON INVOLVED. And I'd also like to thank all the tall people involved! Namely Jonathan. And probably everybody else. I still maintain that I have growing left to do. 😝

No cookies were harmed in the making of this episode. Except for all the ones I ate. They were devoured mercilessly with no one to save them.