I will block anyone who says anything along the lines "ew hetero" and then make fun of you with my roommate. This book is 50% hetero. Get over it.
Start the song. It's We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow by Soko.

Josh's first day back at his grandmother's house was somehow worse than any in the hospital. His sisters spoke too softly to him and Jordan, and his mother wouldn't let him do anything by himself. Every time Josh looked at his grandmother, he caught her glaring at him. Emptiness ate away at him as he tried and failed to remind himself that this was his home now.

It wasn't long before he retreated back to his bedroom, pulling his blankets up over his head and staring at the darkness numbly. The people at the hospital had given him pills that were supposed to help with this, but the idea of putting chemicals in his body terrified him.

Darkness comforted him. When he was little and had nightmares, his dad used to pull the blankets up over his head and tell him to find his shadow. He'd search long and hard to find it, but there was too much darkness.

His father would then tell him, "Even when you can't see your shadow, it's right there beside you. No matter how alone or scared you feel, there's always someone there beside you. You're safe."

Still, Josh searched for his shadow beneath the blankets. The darkness blocked it out, and Josh's chest ached. He missed his father. He missed the man his father had been before he'd become prophet.

The blanket about him slid down, revealing his wife. She smiled sadly as she climbed into the bed beside him.

"I heard you were home," she said quietly. "I figured you'd be hiding."

"I'm not hiding," he defended himself in a small voice, but still he allowed her to pull him over to rest on her chest.

Ashley's soft hands soothed through his hair gently. For the first time since he'd gotten here, he relaxed. His wrists ached as he wrapped his arms around Ashley's thin waist. She pulled the covers up over both of their heads, making him smile slightly.

"I'll hide with you then," she whispered to him.

Josh nudged his nose lightly against her collar bone. "I want to go home, Ashley," he whispered to her.

"You are home, sweetheart," Ashley told him softly.

Josh shook his head. "No, I don't have one anymore. I'm just...existing."

Gently, Ashley's fingertips trailed down his arm. "You do have a home. You're right though. It isn't here. Give me your hand."

There was no hesitation as Josh allowed Ashley to take his hand in hers. She guided it to her stomach, lifting her shirt up slightly before setting his hand down. His eyebrows drew together in confusion as his fingertips slid across a small ridge.

He sat up just enough to look at her belly through the darkness. A small scar marked the skin in the dip between her hip bones. Stretch marks painted the once smooth skin. Josh touched the scar as gently as he could.

"What's it from?" Josh asked her.

Ashley smiled. "I told you I had a C-section, remember? That's where they had to cut me to get JJ out."

The smile that tugged at Josh's lips made everything else seem so small. "That's...That's where our baby came from?"

Ashley's smile widened. "That's where our baby came from. He destroyed my body but-"

"Not at all," Josh assured her. His hand flattened across her stomach. "You're perfect."

"It freaked Brendon out," Ashley told him quietly. Her touch was less gentle as she dug her fingertips into her stretch marks. "He said I had a mom body, but I know he's freaked out about the scars and the stretch marks and how I don't look like what he wanted me to."

Maybe it should bother Josh that Ashley had a relationship with Brendon, but it didn't at all. The only thing that bothered him was that Brendon had failed to show her that she deserved to be loved and appreciated. Besides, being vulnerable scared her more than most people, and she had every reason for that to be the case. Brendon hadn't taken care of her or helped her through that. Not that Josh had any room to talk. He was the reason she hated her body in the first place.

"I've got scars too," Josh pointed out. "At least yours are there to show that you carried JJ inside of you. Your scars are from literally creating a life inside of you. Why isn't that beautiful?"

His wife smiled sadly. "Because you're the only one who thinks it is."

"Tyler doesn't?" Josh asked, surprised that even their husband hadn't taken care of her in that sense.

Ashley sighed. "He does. He always kissed my belly when I was pregnant, and he didn't really stop after that."

"So that's two in your favour. Plus we're married to you, so our opinions hold a little more weight," Josh pointed out.

"Or you're biased," she suggested.

Josh sighed, lifting the blankets off of their heads and pushing her shirt up further. "Ashley, I'm going to tell you something that would probably make my grandma kill me, but I think might possibly help."

"Okay," Ashley agreed without hesitation, letting Josh's fingertips slide across the raised scar on her abdomen.

He cleared his throat nervously. "Okay. So in The Family when a baby was born, it was a big deal, right?" Ashley nodded knowingly. "From the second the baby was born though, the women in The Family gave the mom a choice between whether or not she wanted them to take the baby for a little while so she could readjust. The offer stood until the kid is two."

"Take the baby where?" Ashley asked nervously, instinctually wrapping her arms around her stomach.

"No, not like that. They took care of the baby in their own homes for like a week or whatever. Sometimes moms got sick when babies were born. Like, sick in their hearts," Josh tried to explain.

Ashley smiled slightly. "That's called postpartum depression, Josh. It's like what you have right now, but it keeps moms from bonding with their babies. That's what I had."

So that did exist outside of the cult. It wasn't just from the ban on modern medicine. "Okay. So the moms who had that could ask the other women to take care of her baby for a while so she could be taken care of too. Does that make sense?"

"Who took care of her?" Ashley asked, making Josh smile when she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Her family. Usually the people she was married to or her kids or whomever she felt comfortable with," Josh explained.

"How did they do it?" Ashley asked, but her eyes were sad.

Once again, Josh felt guilty for making her go through all of this alone. Yeah, she had Tyler, but it was different. This was Josh's responsibility, and she'd needed him there. He could try his whole life, and still never make that up to her.

"Depends on who was helping her," Josh told her honestly.

"So if it was my husband, how would you help?" Ashley asked, and the look in her eyes reminded him of when he'd first found her in his room. She was scared, but she was trusting him.

Carefully, Josh helped her out of her clothes. He let her undress him at her own pace, well aware that the last time they'd been even remotely undressed around each other, it had been the worst moment of both of their lives. Still, Ashley trusted him.

When their clothing was completely gone, Josh laid her back down. She smiled when all he did was pull her against his chest and hold her. He smoothed her hair off of her face before massaging her back gently. Her legs tangled with his beneath the sheets as she buried herself against him. He smiled when she inhaled deeply, just like Tyler always did when he held him.

"You'll always be the most beautiful girl I know," Josh told her honestly. "Being JJ's mom only makes you more beautiful to me."

"Even though my stomach is gross?" Ashley asked anxiously.

Josh released her, carefully rolling her onto her back. He peppered kisses across her stomach, making her giggle. He paid special attention to the beautiful scar that had allowed JJ his first breath of air. Ashley was blushing when he smiled up at her.

"There's nothing gross about you," he promised her. "You created our son in there. Your skin is only decorated like this because you made sure that he grew to be big and strong so he could survive out here. That's beautiful, Ashley. You are beautiful."

Ashley pulled him back up so she could kiss him properly. Unfortunately, that meant putting pressure on his wrists to keep him up though, so he flinched away. Offence flashed across her features for only a moment before Josh laid down beside her, pulled her on top of him, and kissed her deeply. She melted into him as their lips moved together.

His fingertips trailed down her sides lightly enough to make her shiver before wrapping around her waist. Her lips were softer than Tyler's, and her kisses more hesitant. Still, she was perfect to Josh. The shy touch of her tongue only made him love her more.

It was Ashley who broke the kiss. "You're beautiful too," she told him quietly. "I was so relieved that JJ looked like you. Sometimes on days when things felt unbearable, I'd talk to him like he was you. I'd look into those pretty brown eyes and tell him everything I wanted to say to you, and he never judged me."

"He's got your hair," Josh told her. It seemed like any time he talked about his son, he couldn't stop smiling. "He's cuddly like you too. All he needs is someone to hold him and he's ready for a nap. You're the same way."

Ashley grinned as she rested her forehead against his, tracing his jaw gently with her fingertips. "I'm getting sleepy just from being with you."

"I'm always sleepy," Josh yawned out as if to prove his point.

Ashley smiled sadly, allowing him to kiss the tip of her nose. "That's part of being depressed, honey. You either are never tired or always tired."

"Oh," Josh replied quietly.

It was strange how much he didn't know about his own problem. It wasn't good for him to hide or to be tired all the time. He'd thought that was a natural reaction.

It was Ashley who kissed his nose this time. "Tyler and I will help you through this, okay? We're a family. A real family. That's what we do. Tyler and I are pretty good at taking care of each other at this point, and you took care of us for a long time too. It's our turn to take care of you now."

"I'm sorry you have to do that," Josh told her, feeling shame bubble up into his stomach.

Ashley shook her head easily, combing her fingers through his faded hair. "We don't have to do anything. We want to take care of you. I've got three boys that I'd do anything for: you, Tyler, and JJ. If you ever need anything, you tell me or Tyler and we'll help you."

"I love you." That wasn't what Josh had intended to say, but it was the truth. She was right. He'd protect his family with his life, and they'd do the same.

Ashley kissed him again softly. "I love you too."

"I don't regret getting you out of there," Josh told her, yet again not expecting the words that let his lips. It was true though. "No matter what happened after, you two were worth it. You still are. I'd do it again if I had to. Anything to keep you two safe."

His wife kissed him deeply once again, holding his cheeks gently as their lips worked together. There were tears in her eyes when she broke the kiss. "Before you left my house, you told Tyler you wanted to be like your father."

Shame and guilt pooled in Josh's stomach, making it twist painfully. He nodded, not meeting her eyes. "Ashley...."

"I'm not mad at you. Look at me," she said sternly, but her tone was still gentle. With great difficulty, he met her eyes. "Josh, you won't ever be like your father. Not the version of him that I saw or that the world did. Maybe there's a part of him that I never met that resembled you in some way, but you are sweet. You're brave. You're loving. You're smart. You're a dad that JJ is going to be so proud of. He's going to want to be like you, and I'll want the same thing for him. That's who you are. Never ever confuse yourself with the man who hurt you. Okay?"

Josh nodded, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He'd cried so much lately that he was surprised he even had any tears left. There wasn't a hint of judgment on his wife's face as she shifted off of him, pulling him down to rest his head against her chest. She massaged his back gently, kissing the top of his head.

"I'm sorry," he told her. It wasn't just for crying. He'd hurt her in so many ways that he couldn't ever find the time to apologize to her individually for all of them.

"I'm not mad at you, honey. I love you too much to be mad," she assured him.

"I love you too."

They were quiet for a moment. Ashley just played with his hair while he traced the delicate lines their son had left behind on Ashley's stomach. He really did love them. Maybe Ashley wasn't the only one who needed to be vulnerable right now. They'd both been broken down and left to deal with things that were far too heavy for teenagers to carry.

It was Josh who broke the silence. "Are you mad at me for Hayley?"

"No. You had to run to someone. I had Brendon. You had Hayley. Tyler had...I don't know. He played piano a lot," Ashley told him.

Josh smiled, remembering Tyler's dream about teaching him to play piano. With the nerve damage in his wrists, that was probably an unlikely dream, but it still made his chest fill with warmth. He kissed Ashley's collar bone softly.

"Brendon's missing out," he told her. She laughed. "Who the hell uses 'mom body' as an insult? You created a human inside of you. You're like...what's that word Christians say? My grandma says it a lot about my mom." He thought about it for a second before it came to him. "A miracle! You're a miracle."

His wife was beaming. "You're a miracle too, Joshua. You know your name is Christian, right? It's a book in the Bible."

Josh nodded. "My mom named me. She had to fight to let me have my name, but she fought for everything about me anyways. I'd be dead with some other family if she didn't."

"Well, thank God for Laura Dun then. I can't imagine not knowing you." Ashley kissed his forehead gently.

Josh smiled. He'd forgotten that Tyler wasn't the only one who'd been religious before The Family. Ashley had been too. Maybe that was why her father was so scared. He tilted his head up and kissed along Ashley's jaw, wrapping an arm around her waist. She rubbed his back gently.

"Rest, okay?" Ashley told him as he laid his head back down on her warm chest.

"Okay," he replied calmly, letting his eyelids close.

"Sweet dreams, honey. I'll be right here if you need me," she murmured.

Once again, he nodded. "Okay."

His body relaxed into hers. He fell asleep to her humming quietly to him, soothing his muscles with her gentle fingers. It had been a long time since he'd fallen asleep beside her, and even longer since he'd fallen asleep with only her. He'd missed her, and he was so glad she was safe. He was glad he was too. Tyler wasn't the only one who depended on him. His wife needed him too, even if just to remind her that she was beautiful. He liked having that job.