Start the song. It's Blackbird Song by Lee DeWyze.
***This chapter has sexual elements, but no actual sex.***

Listening to his mother go on and on about how bad of an idea it was to drop out of school was tiring. Josh remained silent though, feeling the frustration pooling inside of him as he pushed it down over and over again. Admittedly, leaving the community hadn't had the best effect on him. His grandparents blamed the strict rules he'd grown up under. His mother blamed the neighbours. Ash blamed hormones. Josh was just sick of being told what to do.

After sixteen years of living inside of a fence and being sheltered away from everything, it was only fair that he'd spent the last year exploring the world around him. Granted, he rarely left the neighbourhood and most of his exploring took place inside of the bedroom of the girl next door, but he refused to be ashamed of any of the things he'd done since they ran. For the first time in his seventeen years of life, Josh was being a teenager.

"Do you have any idea how this will affect your ability to get a job in the future? What if someday you have a family to support but-"

"As long as I don't force them to join a cult, everything should be fine," he replied without missing a beat.

Silence fell across the kitchen as everyone looked at him in shock. "Joshua, shut up," Ash warned him as she handed her daughter a cup of juice. The toddler watched Josh with wide eyes.

"You think I had a choice?" His mother demanded angrily.

"I think you had four kids to protect and sixteen years is too long to wait. It's your fault we're all so fucked up, and you know it," he told her, keeping his voice level despite how badly he wanted to yell at her.

His mother's eyes darkened. "Don't you dare talk to me like that!"

"Or what? You'll kill me? Go for it. That's the only punishment you and Dad never had the balls to try."

No one said a word as Josh got up and left the kitchen, leaving through the front door. He slammed it behind himself as rage built inside of him. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie to block out the December cold that he was in no way prepared for as he walked around the bare hedges and into the neighbours' yard. He didn't bother ringing the doorbell or even going to the front door. Instead, he went to the second window on the left side of the house and slid it open, climbing inside.

A girl with bright white hair was sitting on the bed in the room, reading through a textbook. She watched him climb in before closing her book and throwing it on the floor.

"Rough day?" She asked, eyeing him knowingly.

"Rough life," he replied, shrugging out of his hoodie and dropping it on the floor as he sat on the bed next to her.

She frowned. "Want to talk about it?"

"Do I ever?" He asked a bit too harshly. She raised an eyebrow and he sighed. "Sorry, Hayley," he added on in a slightly calmer tone.

"Well if you aren't here to talk..." she began airily as she climbed into his lap.

Hayley connected their lips, giving him a distraction from every toxic thought roaring in his ears right now. Josh had no idea how this had even started. It just seemed like he'd met her once and ever since he'd been coming here when his brain wouldn't shut off. It wasn't always like this. Sometimes they really did just talk or do homework or play video games. Lately though, Josh craved this part of their admittedly fucked up relationship.

Maybe it was because he found satisfaction in doing this with someone his father would never have approved of, or maybe he just felt guilty that he was missing another one of Tyler's birthdays without even trying to get in touch with him or Ashley. It had been over a year since he'd talked to either of them, and freeing two people from a cult didn't really count as social interaction.

He needed to forget. Every time Josh stripped Hayley out of her colourful clothes, he found himself unable to think about anything but the sounds she made and the way her body reacted to his touch and how easy it was to lose himself between her legs. It was as if every horrible thing he'd seen and done disappeared for a moment as he put his focus on making Hayley feel good.

He practically threw her back onto the bed as he pushed her skirt up, pulling her bright green panties down her legs. She watched him dazedly.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" She panted out, her chest rising and falling heavily.

He kissed her again, drinking in her gasps and swallowing down the whimper that escaped her lips when he gripped her hips a little too hard. That was another thing he liked about Hayley. He didn't have to be careful with her. She didn't belong to him, and he didn't want her to. Although she frequently asked him why they couldn't just date like normal people, Josh wasn't having any of that. He refused to be responsible for another person anymore. He'd lost two, and he wasn't going to get attached to anyone else.

"You can't just shut me up by kissing me every time I try to check on you," Hayley insisted as his lips trailed down her neck.

"Not by kissing you there," he mumbled knowingly before moving further down her body.

Just like that, the argument with his mother was moved to the back of his mind and blurred. For the next hour, all he had to focus on was the girl beneath him. As horrible as he'd feel about it later, he had to get out of his head for a while, and Hayley never seemed to mind helping him.

----

"You're weird," Hayley commented suddenly.

They were both too absorbed in Call of Duty to make eye contact. Neither of them had cared enough to put in the effort to put their clothes back on. Instead they just laid naked atop the bed on their stomachs and watched the screen as they played. Josh was surprisingly good at this given that he hadn't known what video games were until six months ago and he still felt anxious about seeing blood.

"You're just now noticing that?" He asked monotonously as his player took cover from Hayley's grenade.

"I mean, I've known for a while," she replied casually. "You just don't really look at me when I'm naked though unless we're having sex and you never tell me anything about yourself."

"Nudity isn't a big deal to me," he replied simply, shooting Hayley's player.

She smacked his arm before waiting for her character to revive. "Why? Is it another one of those childhood things I can't ask you about?"

"Yep," Josh replied simply.

"You said I get one personal question per visit," she reminded him.

He rolled his eyes. "You've asked me way more than one question today."

"But only one personal one," she pointed out. "Plus you blew it off."

Josh remained quiet for a moment, not sure how he could explain this to her without revealing that he'd lived within the confines of a Satanic cult until a year ago. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. She was watching him more than the game.

"Where I'm from, you see naked people a lot. You get desensitised," he explained.

"So my body is just another body?" She asked. There was no offended tone in her voice. She was genuinely curious.

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Weird," she commented, making him smile slightly. "But then you're suddenly interested again when we have sex?"

"Sex and nudity aren't the same thing," he replied simply, pausing the game and tossing his controller onto the bed as he looked at her. "Bodies are just bodies until you touch them."

She smiled, reaching up and pushing his hair back off of his forehead. He'd let her dye it a few days ago when neither of them had felt up to their usual distraction. She claimed it was to help him stop being so afraid of colour, but he knew she was just as bored as he was. Why else would she cover every surface of her life with colours so bright that they made Josh's head hurt?

"Pink's a good colour for you," she commented as she brushed his bubblegum locks back before dropping her hands. "It makes your eyes pop."

"Isn't pink supposed to be for girls?" He asked, remembering what his grandmother had told him when he'd come home after having his hair dyed.

Hayley rolled her eyes. "Colours are genderless, Josh."

"You're almost weirder than I am," he commented as he picked up his controller and resumed the game.

"Maybe that's why we get along so well," she replied with a smirk.

"Or maybe you have a weird fascination for antisocial guys with no future."

"You've got me there," she laughed out.

Josh smirked. "You suck."

"You would know, honey."

Josh rolled his eyes before focusing on the game again. It was harder this time. Already, thoughts were creeping back into his head: flashes of red liquid, severed goat heads, the sanctuary floor, Titus's grin, and Mathias's mouth stitched shut. He shifted uncomfortably as he tried to distract himself with the game, but it wasn't working.

"I used to be a good person," he whispered to Hayley.

She looked at him in confusion, forgetting about the game entirely. "You are a good person, Josh. You're just a kid."

"Not really," he replied quietly, setting his controller down without pausing the game. He flinched when blood flashed on the screen. He could taste it. "I have to go."

Her face fell as she sat up, watching him hurry to pull his clothes back on. She struggled to find words as he tugged in his jeans, pulled his shirt over his head, and zipped his hoodie all the way to the top before sliding on his shoes.

It wasn't until he actually headed for the window that she blurted out, "Wait, Josh. Just talk to me. What's going on?"

"I have to go," he repeated distractedly.

It was getting overwhelming, and he knew he'd break down in seconds. The distractions were fun while they lasted, but that was never very long.

"Josh, you can stay. I won't ask you questions. Just don't go yet," Hayley's voice trembled, just like it always did when he did this.

In the back of his mind, his father's voice whispered, "You've hurt another woman. Well done, Joshua. She's yours."

The words made his chest feel heavy and his lungs struggle to function. "I'm not your boyfriend," he told her as he pushed the window open again.

She swallowed hard. "That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to care about you, Josh."

"Yeah it does. Just...don't." He climbed through the window, only for Hayley to hurry over to it and pull him back by his hood.

She pulled him closer and kissed him, making his brain quiet down for a moment as her lips moved against his. Her fingers tangled in his hair as he walked closer to the window, trying to keep as close to inside of the house as possible given that she was still naked and it was snowing. Their foreheads remained pressed together when the kiss broke as they both panted for breath.

"You're a good person still," she whispered. "No matter what you've seen or done that you're so scared to tell me about, I know you. You're good."

Just like that, the distraction was gone and Josh wasn't sure if he was more repulsed by her or himself as he disentangled her from himself and backed away so she couldn't touch him. "You don't know shit about me."

"Josh, please just-"

He left before she could finish, glaring down at his shoes as he walked through the Williams family's snow-blanketed yard.

"Happy Birthday, Tyler," he whispered. "I'm so fucking sorry."