Start the song. It's If It's Alive, It Will by Angel Olsen.
***Trigger warning for the aftermath of the last couple chapters.***

Josh woke up in a white room that smelt like chemicals. A quiet beeping noise sounded beside him. His groggy mind took a little while to try and place everything together, but everything in this room was so unfamiliar that he couldn't find any answers. He went to sit up, but felt a sharp pain shoot through his arm when he set it down on the bed beside him.

He lifted it and examined the thick bandages wrapped around his wrist. Lifting the other off of the bed, he found that it had also been bound. The only difference was that there was a tube coming out of his hand.

Instantly panic shot through him as he tried to scurry off of the bed. The beeping grew faster as he went to pull the tube out of his hand.

He froze when a familiar voice said, "No no no, sweetheart. Leave it in. That will help."

Josh watched with wide eyes as Tyler carefully eased him back into a reclining position. Judging by his swollen red eyes and the tear tracks on his cheeks, Josh could only assume that Tyler knew what he'd done. Still, it was a relief to Josh that his husband was here, even after all of the terrible things he'd said to him.

Tears stung at Josh's eyes as they scanned every inch of Tyler. If he didn't feel so guilty and his arms didn't ache, he would reach out and touch his husband, just to make sure he was really there. Thankfully, Tyler climbed into the bed beside him, sliding under the thin blanket and pulling Josh in close. Josh went to protest, but Tyler's eyes filled with tears as he shushed him.

"Just let me hold you, okay? You're safe. It's okay. This is just a hospital. They're taking good care of you and Jordan," Tyler said softly as he combed his fingers lightly through Josh's pink hair. "You're safe."

A sob built up in Josh's chest as he allowed himself to bury his face against Tyler's chest. Just being surrounded by his scent and feeling his fingertips against his scalp made Josh feel safer than anything. Tyler held him closer, kissing his forehead softly.

"I'm sorry," Josh sobbed out finally.

Tyler shook his head, allowing Josh to break down completely. He whispered soft reassurances to Josh and rubbed his back while he sobbed against the younger boy's chest. "Shhh, it's okay. I'm not mad. I understand."

The aching in Josh's chest only intensified as Tyler spoke sweetly to him. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve Tyler's soft voice or gentle kisses. He didn't deserve Tyler's forgiveness. He didn't deserve to have Tyler's body tangled up with his after he'd said such awful things to him. All he really deserved was to be dead and in the ground beside his father. They really were more similar than Josh cared to admit.

"I'm sorry," Josh sobbed out again, holding Tyler as tightly as he could despite how badly it hurt his arms. "I lied. I'm sorry. I don't want to be like my dad. I love you. I love Ashley. I love JJ. I'm just so scared all the time and I don't belong here." He sobbed loudly as Tyler soothed his palm down his spine gently.

"You do belong here, Josh. Wherever I am, that's where you belong. Listen," he said quietly as he gently pulled Josh in so he could rest his ear against Tyler's chest. He listened to the soft beating of Tyler's heart, closing his eyes and relaxing slightly at the sound. "This is where you belong. You belong right here next to me where we can keep each other safe-where we can keep each other's hearts beating."

An overwhelming exhaustion overtook Josh as he listened to Tyler's heart. "I'm so tired, Ty," he whispered as his body relaxed against his husband's.

"I know, honey. They gave you some sedatives to help with the panic attacks. You've been sleeping on and off since we got here last night," Tyler said quietly.

"How long?" Josh asked, his voice coming out in a mere whisper as sleep threatened to overtake him.

"You've been here for about twelve hours. Your family has been in and out all night. Jordan is a few rooms over," Tyler explained as he brushed his thumb lightly along Josh's lower lip.

Josh nodded sleepily, forcing his eyes open just long enough to find Tyler's lips. He kissed Tyler softly before laying back down against his chest. The soft sound of his heartbeat lulled Josh to sleep.

Even if just for a moment, he was glad he wasn't dead. His husband was right. Right here, wrapped up in Tyler's arms, Josh felt like he belonged somewhere. No nightmares could reach him, and nothing hurt as badly. Maybe it didn't always have to be his job to protect Tyler. Maybe sometimes it was okay to let Tyler protect him.

-----

Tyler had called Ashley as soon as he knew Josh was stable. He should've probably called her the first time Josh woke up, but being in a hospital, surrounded by technology he'd been taught to fear, had given him such an intense panic attack that he'd had to be sedated. Every few hours they'd had repeat situations, but thankfully this one had been different.

Now that Josh was fast asleep against his chest, snoring instead of sobbing, Tyler should really call Ashley. He couldn't do that without waking their husband though. Moving would scare him. They'd learned that two hours ago when Tyler had gotten up to go to the bathroom and Josh had hyperventilated until he passed out. No, Tyler would let him sleep first. He had to be exhausted.

It was strange that two days ago, Tyler had been tangled up with this same body, but the context had been so different. Neither of them had been afraid then, and now they were both going in and out of panic attacks. The doctors had originally tried to separate the two boys, thinking it would help. Instead, they'd both begun to panic, especially Josh. His vitals had started to go haywire as his body focused more on getting to Tyler than pumping blood through his body, which was already running low at the moment. Instantly, the doctors had concluded that these two could not be separated for any reason.

Tyler pressed a gentle kiss to Josh's sleeping lips as he soothed his hair off of his face again. The door to Josh's room opened, and his grandfather came in.

Tyler had lied a little bit when he said that Josh's family had been in and out. His grandfather and mother had, but Abigail and Alivia weren't allowed to come to the hospital, Ash had stayed home to take care of them, and his grandmother blamed him for Jordan being hurt. His grandfather had spent the majority of the night with Josh, however, repeatedly telling Tyler that he was just too relieved to have Josh here to leave him for very long.

The old man looked exhausted as he set two cups of coffee down beside the hospital bed. He then sat down in one of the plastic chairs near the bed and sipped from his own. Tyler smiled slightly at that.

"The doctor said Josh can't have coffee until his heart rate is normal," he reminded the old man.

Josh's grandfather sighed. "There are two things in this world that I know Josh loves: you and coffee. I'm his grandpa. It's my job to ignore the rules and spoil him a little when he needs it."

Tears stung at Tyler's eyes as he looked back at his sleeping husband. The sedatives made him look so peaceful, but Tyler knew it wasn't real. No one Tyler had ever met hurt as much as Josh did. Even when Josh smiled, there was always just a hint of the fear that had been instilled in him since birth. The idea of him having a grandfather who loved him this much made Tyler happier than he could ever explain.

"We're still married," Tyler said quietly, not sure why he was saying this now. "Your wife said we aren't, but we are. I could never leave Josh. He's everything to me."

"You're everything to him too," the old man assured him. "I think he really wanted to be able to move on and love Hayley, but he couldn't. He's comfortable with you around. He smiles and he doesn't flinch when you touch him. Although he'd never admit it, he needs that. He needs someone who he can love without being afraid of them. Too much of his childhood was spent thinking love and fear were synonymous."

Tyler kissed Josh's forehead, his heart swelling when the other boy smiled slightly in his sleep. "I wish he didn't have to ever be scared again, but that's not realistic, is it?"

The old man sighed. "Unfortunately, it's not. I think what we really wish is that he'd learn how to feel safe. Even right now, his heart's a little too fast, and I know that's anxiety. I can't believe someone would do this to their son. I know I'm supposed to be tough and all that bullshit, but it breaks my heart. He deserves so much better than what he got."

"Yeah, he does," Tyler whispered.

Although he wouldn't say it out loud, it killed him that he couldn't give Josh that security. The idea of Josh living in a constant state of fight or flight was heartbreaking. He didn't deserve to be laying here in a hospital bed after he'd grown too terrified of the world around him to stay in it. He was only seventeen.

The room was quiet for a moment. Josh's grandfather sipped his coffee while Tyler focused on soothing Josh as he slept. Whenever his muscles began to tense, Tyler slid his fingertips along the stiff area. Somehow, his touch was enough for the muscles to relax once again. More than once, Tyler kissed Josh. Sometimes he'd kiss his lips, but he also kissed his forehead, nose, cheeks, chin, eyelids, or anywhere else he could reach. He just needed Josh to know he was loved.

After about twenty minutes, the nurse came in. She looked sadly at Josh before checking the machine beside him. A solemn sigh left her lips as she copied down the information on the machine into her notes.

"His heart rate is still much too fast," she told them.

"Well, I doubt it'll slow," Josh's grandfather told her sadly. "Josh isn't going to get any calmer than he is right now. That boy right there is going to calm him down better than any sedative you've got."

As if to prove that point, Josh slipped a bandaged arm around Tyler's waist, letting out a contented sigh. Tyler kissed his forehead gently. He wrapped his arms more firmly around Josh as well. Every muscle in Josh's body loosened as he melted against Tyler. It seemed as though his husband was calmer when he held him.

The nurse nodded. "He's very lucky to have you," she told Tyler.

"No," Tyler said quietly as he allowed Josh to bury his face in the crook of his neck. "He deserves more than I can give him."

Tears welled up in the nurse's eyes as she smiled. "I think you just proved how lucky he is. His grandfather is right. You're the best thing for him right now. I can only do so much when he's been taught to be afraid of everything I do to try and help. You've done more to help him just by laying there next to him than anyone else is this hospital has done tonight."

"Thank you," Tyler replied quietly.

"Keep up the good work, sweetheart." She smiled at him sadly before leaving the room.

Too overwhelmed with the relief of having his husband living and breathing beside him to worry about much else, Tyler kissed Josh's temple lightly. "I love you," he whispered to the sleeping boy. "I'll protect you."

Josh didn't respond. He was still fast asleep with his body pressed against Tyler's. The younger boy found peace in the touch of Josh's skin and the smell of patchouli and incense, even if the scent of the hospital diluted it slightly. His husband was alive, and that meant that there was still hope for things to get better.