TRIGGER WARNING READ AT OWN RISK: mention of rape, molestation, self-harm and attempted suicide. (Story tags were updated to reflect this chapter)

Do not read if any of this is triggering.

Anyways, this chapter gives you more of why Harry is the way he is...enjoy!

**

Harry groaned as he opened his eyes, the bright white walls made his eyes hurt from the way the sunshine shined through the window.

He had been at this facility for about a week now, he had another week to go if everything went well. He hadn't touched an ounce of alcohol since the night his mother forced him to sign himself up.

He remembered the yelling and screaming, he said things he regretted, but Anne never took it to heart because she knew her son needed help.

"I hate you! You never were there for me! When dad did all of those things to me." Harry was full on sobbing, he had finally reached his breaking point after Anna dragged him to the private facility that specializes in mental illness treatment. "You never were home to see what he would do to me, what he would say to me!"

Anne knew why Harry was the way he was, his father wasn't the nicest man ever, but as soon as she noticed what was happening she called the cops to have him removed.

Being a paramedic and firefighter meant she was barely ever home, when she was there wasn't anything wrong, but she never knew what happened when she wasn't.

"How many times to do I have to tell you I'm sorry! You know as soon as I walked in and saw what happened I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I did everything I could to make it all better."

"No you didn't! You should have been there, why didn't you ever notice when I was basically crying for help?" Harry angrily wiped away his tears, this was good for him though, he needed to get it all out.

Anne took to abuse from her son, she knew it takes a lot for him to show emotion, but she understood that he needed this.

He held it in for so long, he just exploded.

"Harry, what your father did was vile and I will never be able to forgive myself for not seeing it sooner. But I promised you that nothing would ever happen again. He went away and I stayed."

Harry grimaced at the thought of the abuse, the sexual abuse he received from his own father, the physical abuse that gave his father the control he needed.

His father is the reason why he needed control over everything, especially why he needed control of Louis, he didn't want to feel vulnerable.

His father hated when Harry tried to overtake him, in his own words to Harry he would say "You are to stay quiet and do as you are told. Don't test me."

Harry went through years and years of therapy as a child to help diagnose him with PTSD, depression and OCD.

His PTSD fortunately was not as bad as it originally was as he was able to get through a lot of what he had to go through. His OCD was what was worse, he needed everything to be a certain way, if something was disrupted he would freak out.

The only reason why he changed so quickly was he started to lose control over Louis, he hated it, he felt vulnerable. He felt like Louis was slipping away so he took the lead and took the control over him just like his father did.

He never understood why the abuse had started with his father, but he could only think it was due to the fact that his mother wasn't home and he was bored.

So bored that he raped his own son multiple times. Harry never wanted it, he didn't enjoy it, but his father enjoyed every minute of him.

"Your father was a sick bastard and I wish I never married him." Anne spoke to her son, she looked at him through her glassy eyes.

"Why did you though? You guys never loved each other."

"It was his idea because I was pregnant with you." That's where the first instance of control had started between his two parents, it only went up from there.

However, since Anne was never home his father didn't have anyone to control it only left his son to take over. He sought control over whatever he could and the easy target at the time was 12 year old Harry.

Harry had started to go through puberty at the time and he had started to feel things towards the same gender. He had confided in his father a week shy of his thirteenth birthday and all his father said was That's okay Harry, you love who you love.

If only Harry knew what would occur the night before he would turn 13.

"Dad? What—what are you doing?" Harry didn't know what was happening but he heard his father's voice in his room. Which was weird seeing as he usually locks his door at night, something his parents allowed him to do only when he slept, he needed it unlocked at other hours of the day. He thought he locked it, but he must have forgotten to.

"Shut up. No talking." Control. His father needed control over him.

Harry's heart was beating quicker and quicker, he was physically shaking. "Why are you in here? How'd you get in here?"

All his father did was laugh, a joker-like laugh rolled off his lips, it was frightening hearing it come from someone like him. "Stupid stupid boy, I have a key to everything. No one is safe in here. You're not safe."

Harry gulped, he couldn't dare look at his father. He felt a calloused hand grip his chin harshly and jerked him up from the bed.

"I'm in control here. Stay quiet and don't scream."

Harry's muffled screams were only heard in the pillow that was stuffed into his mouth as his father did unmentionable things to the small boy.

Harry hated remembering that part of his life, he always managed to push it to the back of his mind, but his therapist said it's good for him to remember. It's good for him to remember a time that he needed to forget because it will be easier for him to overcome it.

He wiped away the stray tear as his fingers brushed over the thin scars that littered his wrist. He remembered the night Louis had noticed those scars and how he broke down and told him what happened.

"Harry, oh my god! I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Harry had just got finished telling him a shortened version of his childhood. It was a version that he left out all of the graphic details, but it was enough to get to the point he wanted Louis to know.

"It's not your fault, no need to be sorry." Harry had finally dared to make eye contact with the man who looked at him and he noticed he was too crying.

"No one deserves any of that."

Harry sighed. "Fortunate enough my father will never see the light of day." Harry lied. His father was in jail for a long time but there will be a time in his life that his father will be set free, he just hoped jail life killed him first.

Harry wanted to call Louis to apologize for all that he did, but he had no phone, they were taken away as the therapists deemed it a distraction through treatment. So all he had was a pen and paper so he started to write a letter to everyone that he hurt. He started with Louis.

Dear Louis,

I'm so very sorry for all that I put you through the last few years. I don't know what happened to me and I don't know why I didn't notice any sooner. I honestly think a part of me knew what was happening but I tried to push it away thinking I was going crazy.

I apologize for everything I did and made you do. I will never be able to forgive myself for hurting you. I never meant to hurt you. I loved you, I still love you and it hurts me knowing I was the cause of a lot of issues around us.

I do however not feel sorry for getting you pregnant. I always thought that having kids would help our marriage, which it didn't, it just put a bigger wedge between us. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry that I pushed you away.

Since being here it has helped me realize how much of an asshole I was to you and you never deserved that. I always loved how you treated me no matter what I was doing and I was so blind to see you did it to keep me happy. But in the end it only made you sad. I'm so sorry.

I hope in time that you will be able to forgive me and then maybe at that point I'll be able to forgive myself.

Harry

He folded it into an envelope and sealed it. He knew the other person he needed to apologize to was Niall, but he would never write that on paper, he needed to say it to his face. He only wrote that for Louis because he was unsure if he was going to give it to him or if he would be able to speak to him.

Soon there was a knock on his door and one of the staff members poked their head in, informing him that it was time for the next group session.

Harry wasn't the most comfortable person when it came to telling people about his past, but when he saw that the therapist that was there made everything different.

Harry smiled at the familiar face, "Hello Michael," he got to know the man more and more since he was the lead therapist overseeing all of the sessions. He's the reason why Harry was able to open up more.

"Hiya Harry! How's it going?" Michael smiled bright.

"It's going good, after the session from yesterday all of my old memories came back and I don't know how to feel about them."

Michael nodded, he thought for a second before he added into what Harry told him. "But that's a good thing, your mind wants you to forget and it wants you to remember. Forgetting is easier for the mind but remembering is where it gets difficult. Your mind wants to protect you so it can help you cope so any time you try to remember you shut down."

"I used to shut down so bad when I was younger. It's been years since I really broke."

"That's because you were strong for too long and it's your inner mind's way of telling you that it's time to heal again." Harry and Michael continued to talk about the session for a little bit before they had their group session with others that have similar diagnoses.

"How are the babies? All healthy?" Michael smiled at the way Harry's eyes lit up and he smiled big at the mention of his kids.

Harry was quick to pull out his wallet and showed him a photo of the three of the babies all wearing matching outfits. "I got those outfits for them—well I gave my mom the money and told her to pick out something cute and that's what she did."

"When was the last time you saw them?" Michael knew asking that question would open up some wounds but it was good for Harry to talk all of this through.

"When they were still in the hospital," he frowned looking at the photo and a lone tear trickled out of his eye and fell onto the picture. "I really screwed up didn't I?"

Michael shook his head, frowning slightly . "You may have screwed up but that only means that you can learn from your mistakes and grow from there. If I can get a recollection of how Louis is as a person he still probably loves you to the ends of the earth, but not in the same way you'd want him to. He doesn't hate you, he's probably more upset with you and wants what's best for you and the babies."

Harry sighed. "I know, I just wished everything was different. But, I do have to say that Louis is the happiest he's ever been when he realized his feelings for Niall."

"How do you feel now about the words you said to Niall? Was it the jealousy talking? Were you afraid of losing the control?"

Harry nodded, the tears trickled down his face again. "He never deserved anything I ever said to him and I wish I could take it all back. I think it definitely was the jealousy talking because I saw a change whenever the two of them were together and I was jealous because Louis never acted like that towards me. Heck I pushed him away so bad he grew closer to Liam and they never were that close."

Michael scribbled down a few things and then urged the man to continue. "The control I had over Louis was thrilling in the beginning but when I started to lose him I freaked. I watched him pull away from my hold and I basically let him fall into the arms of someone else."

"Would you take everything back? Do you think you'd still be with Louis if this all didn't happen?"

"I would take everything back in a heartbeat, but what's done is done. But I honestly think the relationship was doomed from the start like nothing would have been able to save it. I feel like we would have drifted apart regardless."

Michael saw a man in front of him that changed since the first time he met him in the bar. The man he once saw was broken and confused but now the man sitting in front of him was different, he was happy and content with where he was in life. He may not be 100% healed but he's definitely making progress.

He's accepted that the way he acted wasn't the greatest and he needs to learn how to control those certain tendencies.

The next step is to apologize, once he manages to get all of that weight off his shoulders it will only go up from there.

Harry looked at Michael and the two men gave each other a knowing look. "You know we have about an hour before the group session how about we find somewhere a little more private." Harry was being a bit forward but Michael loved it.

"I know just the place," he spoke quickly before he dragged him to his office. He pulled down the blinds and locked the doors. Harry barely let him turn around before he had him pressed against the door.

"Fuck, Harry." He groaned quietly against his lips. Harry had pressed his arousal against Michael and was now rutting against him like a dog in rut. He pulled up on his thighs and he jumped into his arms, having moved from the door to his desk.

"Be quiet, someone might catch us, wouldn't want that." Michael just whimpered at the thought of someone catching them. "Oh, you like the thought of someone walking in with my cock inside of you."

Michael nodded, "Please." Harry smirked and he somehow managed to get their clothes off in a matter of seconds.

"This probably won't feel good, I don't have anything."

"Don't worry about it, I got myself off this morning and I should be still stretched."

Harry tiskted, "Naughty, naughty boy." Harry loved the control over Michael right now, but this was a different control as he enjoyed being the dominant person in the bedroom, like he was with Louis. But, Louis took everything he gave to him, but something about Michael made it a bit more thrilling.

Harry pushed himself inside of the man and he groaned at the tight heat around him. He was quick to start moving as they didn't have much time.

Michael threw his head back when Harry's cock hit the bundle of nerves inside of him. "Fuck, fuck!"

Harry smirked and continued to hit that exact spot, it didn't take long for both men to release. Michael spurted all over his chest and Harry released deep inside of him.

Harry leaned down and kissed him softly before he pulled out. He grabbed some tissues and wiped them off.

"Wow, gets better every time." See when Nate told Niall that he would go out and come back smelling like another man's cologne, it was always the same man. It was Michael.

After that one night Harry couldn't get him out of his mind and same with the latter. They have been secretly seeing each other—well mainly secretly sleeping with each other.

Harry pecked his lips a few more times before they needed to get their clothes back on. He chuckled when he felt Michael stiffen from the empty feeling.

They kissed a little bit more before they bid their farewells as Harry needed to go to his group session.

**

Harry sat in a chair next to a small girl who was around his age but all he knew was her name was Kayla, she didn't really talk much, but she went through a similar situation Harry did with her own father.

"Alright everyone let's go around the circle and tell everyone what we're feeling today and why. Harry why don't you start today." Matt, the coordinating therapist spoke a little bit too enthusiastically for everyone's liking.

"Content."

"And why do you feel content?"

"Because I'm finally accepting myself for who I am."

"That's good Harry. Kayla?"

She looked around and fidgeted in her chair. "Anxious."

"Why?"

"My mother still doesn't believe me about what my father did to me." They continued around the circle and then Matt started asking questions to open up discussion.

Harry sat quietly the rest of the session and only answered when he felt bold too. It definitely felt good for him to get it all out, even if it was in front of a group of strangers, but no one judged him as they were all going through the same thing.

"Now, one finally question before we end this. This will be a heavy one but I want to know this, no one has to answer right now and can wait for your private session," everyone nodded and waited for him to continue. "Who here has harmed themself or tried to end all the pain?"

Most of the circle raised their hands, and Matt noticed Harry started pulling at his sleeves.

"Harry? Did you want to share?"

Harry froze, this would be the first time he spoke about it, save for when he told Louis. "It was the night before the trial and I had a mental breakdown. I was in a dark place and I remember grabbing a blade and pills. I almost was successful until I heard my mom's voice screaming at me." Harry wiped away his tears, continuing. "I ended up in the hospital and I missed his trial but they added it as a part of his sentencing cause I kept repeating something he would tell me every time."

"And what was that?"

"Don't tell mom. Be a good boy for daddy."

**

Michael had listened in on the session because it was a part of the program that all the therapists needed to know how they reacted in front of others when explaining things and all. He frowned when he heard Harry recall about his self harming and attempted suicide.

He watched as Harry would pull on his sleeves anxiously as he spoke about it, how could he have not noticed those scars before?

Once the session was over he motioned for Harry to follow him. He brought him back to the office, it still the same as when they left it an hour ago, and he pulled up the mans sleeves.

He kissed every single one of his scars before he kissed him on the lips deeply. "Those scars show you that you are stronger than you were before and that those battles you were fighting are no longer there to haunt you."

Harry looked up at him, "I haven't since that day."

"I know baby, and I'll make sure that you never hurt yourself ever again." And at that moment Harry let someone else take the lead, he let someone else take control.

It was all weird to Harry but he trusted Michael, he trusted that he will save him from himself. And so far he was doing more than what he could have done by himself.

The two of them ended up on the couch, cuddled into each other. "I think it's time that I let you contact Louis."

"Really?"

"Yes, I think you're at a point where you need to hear it from him."

Michael gave him his phone and he was quick to dial Louis' number.

"Harry? Is everything okay?" He heard a panicked voice at the other end, it made him smile that Louis was still very worried about him.

"Yes I'm okay, I was given permission to call you. I wanted to talk to you, is that okay?"

"Of course, let me just hand over Abby to your mum and I'll excuse myself to the bedroom." Harry heard shuffling on the other end and he wished that it was him there with him and not his mother. "Okay, what is it that you wanted to talk about?"

"I'm sorry Louis. I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you," Harry started to sniffle, "I don't know what happened but I feel terrible that I treated you the way I did."

"Harry it's okay, you weren't well."

"That's not the point Lou, I shouldn't have done what I did. I can never forgive myself for how I treated you."

Louis sighed. "Harry I was never mad at you, I was actually scared at one point. But before I could do anything you distanced yourself like you knew something was up but you didn't know what. I wanted to help you but then you were home less and less and then when you were home it was late. I'm sorry that I didn't help you like how a husband should of," and then Louis was crying on the other end.

This was the first time that the two of them had a civil conversation in months and it felt so good to get everything off of his chest.

"I blame everything on my father, he's the reason I'm the way I am."

"I know Harry. Now that you know what to look for then you know how to get the help needed." Harry heard a whisper on the other end and immediately knew it was Niall.

"Is that Niall?"

Louis paused for a second before he replied. "Yes, did you want to talk to him?"

"Please, if that's okay with him." It took a few seconds but Niall soon was on the other end

"Hi Harry, what's up?" He could hear the confusion in the man's voice, which he didn't blame him for it.

"I wanted to apologize for everything. I was jealous and I couldn't dare see someone else loving my husband as much as you did. I am sincerely sorry for all those words I said to you and for all that I did to you."

"Harry, what you did will be unforgivable but I accept your apology for now. I'm still a bit hesitant but if you can prove to me that this is where you are going to continue being like then I'll accept it fully. But if you so do anything to make me think otherwise then you better run." He heard a smack and Niall let out an 'ow, Lou that hurt.'

"Okay, that's fair. Can you give the phone back to Lou please?"

"Of course, good luck with the rest of your treatment."

Louis came back to the phone, "How are you really Harry?"

"Honestly? I'm actually good. I um—started to see someone actually."

"Oh really! Who is he?" Louis asked, he was genuinely excited and happy for him.

"His name is Michael, he's actually one of the therapists at the facility I'm at. But, I was seeing him way before I knew he worked here."

"Oh, well I'm happy for you. I actually have to tell you something."

"If it had anything to do with you and Niall I already know."

"Oh—well, yeah. We haven't made it official yet but he's definitely good to me. I take it Michael is good to you too?"

"Yes."

"Good. Harry?"

"Yes Louis?"

"I want you to know that even through all of this I still love you so much, don't think I'm going to hate you."

"You should hate me."

"Hate is a strong word, but we can work on things to bring our group back together. It will take some convincing especially with Zayn, but I'm sure we can work it out."

"I'd definitely like that."

"It's good to hear from you, I'll let your mum know you're doing good."

"Thank you Lou."

"Of course. I gotta go, okay? Let me know when you get out and we can have you come spend the day with the kids."

"I would love that, thank you."

"Bye Harry."

"Bye Lou, Bye Niall." He knew at some point the phone was put on speaker so he decided to be nice to Niall so the man knew he was sticking to his word.

After the phone call was ended, the two men started crying into the significant others arms, having said words that all had deep meanings. It also didn't help that the two people that were once lovers just gave their blessings to each other's new found love.

You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.