KANG TAEHYUN

“How was that guy you were talking about before?”

Dr. Kelly asked with a smile while looking at the folder and she’s writing something. “Can you tell me more about him?” she asked and looked at me.

“It’s been over a year since I last saw him…”

“Do you miss him?”

“I think so?”

“Does it make you feel lonely?”

I slowly shook my head. “No,” I smiled. “Actually, thinking about him makes me calm,” I replied.

“Really? What was the best thing he did for you?” she asked again with a hint of interest in her voice.

I started fidgeting my fingers and bite my lips. “He introduced me the word ‘happiness’ again,” I answered.

“Wow,” she reacted. “He must really love you then?”

“That’s what he said,” I replied and chuckles in shyness.

“Taehyun,” she called me. “What do you feel when you’re with him?”

“Healing, home, happiness.”

I started my medication here in US with Dr. Park’s cousin. She said she couldn’t handle me anymore and it’s better for me to be outside of my comfort zone because it will help me more to forget things.

Through constant consultation and medications as well as participating to all mental health activities, I manage to feel lighter and cleaner inside me.

I’m getting healed.

That night when Hueningkai visited me during holidays was actually him, trying to have my forgiveness. He keeps on coming back to say sorry to me and I keep on pushing him away because he’s keeping me trembling but he won’t.

He said he’s guilty, he said he’s sorry and I said I already forgive him but I don’t think he believe in me. This is how our conversation goes…

It was holiday season, Yeonjun wasn’t in the country and Beomgyu is probably with Aera. I feel so left out that night but I don’t want to disturb everyone.

I just visited my family but they are all busy so I just went back to my house and decided to drink alone. Out of a sudden I just cried because of feeling that I’m alone.

“You’re not alone Taehyun. This is just temporary. It’s okay, It’s okay. Calm down. You’re fine. Y-you’re fine. Please stop thinking you a-aren’t. P-please,” I convinced myself but it didn’t work.

In the middle of my crying, my door bells and when I open it, I saw Kai standing in there, looking at me. I suddenly felt shivers, I was so nervous.

Why of all times, he’s going to appear at this moment? Why of all times that I need someone to be with me, it’s him who’s with me?

“T-Taehyun,” he called me.

“What are you doing here? Get out of my sight,” I pushed him away but he held my wrist.

I automatically panicked when my system felt his touch. Flashbacks started kicking in. I started crying and shake in fear. “L-let go of me, please,” I pleaded.

“S-sorry,” he apologized and then I felt him loosen his grip. “I’m just here to say sorry, Tyun.”

“A-about what? We’re done. If you’re sorry then fine. You can go now,” I shooed him and turned my back.

“Tyun please, listen,” he called me so I stopped. “I know I was a total dick that time. I’m so sorry. I really regret it. Please forgive me. I didn’t think about how you felt. I wasted your love for me. That’s why I’m here to say sorry,” he explained.

My fists clenched and I look back at him with tears flowing from my eyes. “You know what? I’m really mad. I’m so mad but not at you, Kai. I’m so mad for myself that I don’t hate you because I even hate myself for loving someone like you!”

“The thought that I poured everything for you, I did everything for you, I loved you unconditionally even if I know you’re just toying me, I’m so mad at myself for acting like a fool. And I hate myself that I needed to break others just to have the satisfactory feeling of not being the only one who needs to be in this pain!”

“I’m sorry—“

“No! Shut up! You should have known, Kai. You should have known from the start that I’m fragile. I show you everything. I did everything I never knew I’m going to do because I love you. You should have seen it right in there that if you leave me, I’m going to fucking die! But you don’t fucking have the heart! You never cared,” I ranted. “I hate you so much.”

“I know Tae, I know I am an asshole for taking you for granted and hurting you like that. That’s why I’m here,” he paused and then knelt. “Asking for your forgiveness,” he begged.

“Get up and get out.”

I thought he’s going to give up but he keeps on coming back to ask for my forgiveness and everytime he’s doing that, past keeps haunting me and guilt devours me. Until I couldn’t hold on and just overdosed myself and even cut my wrist.

I just feel so tired that I want to rest.

I sighed and lean my back as I watch the birds fly from tree to tree in this house I bought far from the city and located in a valley. I smiled and started reading the reports about KTH Co.

I haven’t heard anything about Beomgyu hyung. I wonder what he is doing. I told Yeonjun hyung not to mention him to me because I might go back in there just for him.

Because I can’t, not yet, not now.

I want to be a better person for him. I want to be someone who can make things easier for him and not to burden him. That’s why I’m trying my best, at least I have a reason to do this.

“Cup of tea?”

“Oh, thanks Chad,” I replied and received the cup he lends.

“Until when are you going to stay here?” he asked me.

“Just a little more,” I replied and then sips on the tea.

“About that barista— wait, can I talk about it?” he asked for permission and I nods. “Yeah so about him, you already know he has a girlfriend, right?”

“Hmmm, why?” I nod.

“And yeah I know why you still did it but when you felt like something’s really going on inside you already, did you wish that he doesn’t have one?”

I sip on my drink first before I think of an answer. “Yeah? I think I did but what I’m thinking that time is I hope I didn’t go that far.”

“What do you mean?”

“I hope I told him properly about my feeling without ruining their relationship. But that time I couldn’t think properly and the thought of wrecking him are still with me and that happened,” I paused. “I kind of regret at some point but not really.”

“Taehyun, do you know that what you did is the best? That you came here to heal yourself?”

“Did I?” I chuckles. “Actually, I doubted. If should I just leave him for his own peace and for mine as well or should I stay with him even if I know I’m not yet ready.”

“But you know situation will worsen if you stayed, right?”

“Yeah, the thought of he might leave me too if I act stupidly,” I paused. “I think it’ll be my last reason why I’m going to die.”

I felt a tap in my shoulders. “I’m so proud of you. Imagine all the things life did to you at a young age and you’re here still fighting,” he stated with a smile.

“Are you trying to make me cry?” I joked and we laugh. “Well, life is about survival. Problems aren’t created for you to die, it was made for you to suffer so you can prove that you’re strong. It’s because there are no problem that can kill people, it’s the people themself who will kill themselves. Problems exist alongside with their solutions, it’s the people’s responsibility to find it out.”

“And the thought of giving up is their only enemy,” he added that made me smile at him.

“Right,” I concur. “I’ve been defeated for countless times and gave up as well but realizing how life can be much beautiful if you’ll just accept the trials and fight, your victory will always taste so sweet.”

He nods. “When do you think of your past, does it still hurt you?”

“Not that much that I end up cutting myself.”

“I see, and then you are almost really good to go now,” he commented and laughs.

“Thanks Chad. Thank you for being with me for whole this year. Thank you for accompanying me,” I expressed my gratitude and smiled at him.

“You are healed, Tae. I know you are.”

The thought of finally healing after so much scars and pain feels like freedom to me. I can’t wait to see those people who’s rooting for me and waiting for me.

“By the way, does the coffee of that barista really taste good? You said you like him because of his coffee,” he asked, confusedly.

A smirk forms in my lips and lift my cup. “It was so fucking tasty. I can’t wait to drink it again.”

“Kang Taehyun you asshole! Come here, I fucking miss you so much!” Yeonjun exclaimed and hugged me.

“I missed you too, hyung,” I replied and hugged him back.

After years of spending time in the US and finding myself, I’m now in here. I came back now, fully prepared. Healed.

I decided to go straight to my office and I saw my older brother reading something. “Hyung,” I called him.

“Taehyun!” he reacted and hugged me. “Goddamnit. What took you so long? Feeling better now?” he asked.

“Better,” I replied and laugh.

We started catching up about each other and what happened inside the company which is I missed a lot. All the hard moments that they went through when problem occur but they can’t contact me and all the achievements. KTH Co., remained successful even without me. Thanks to my hyungs.

I take a seat on my swivel chair and smiled. “I miss it in here,” I muttered and I laugh when I remember that Beomgyu hyung and I did it in here too.

“Are you going to see Beomgyu right away?” Yeonjun hyung asked me.

“How was the event that I told you?” I asked him instead.

“Everything’s good, Tyun. We are all ready and there are over thousand participants. You sure really want young entrepreneur to be successful like you did,” he stated.

I smiled. “Success is when you help others be successful too.”

“Damn, you sure are back. I missed you, dumbass!” he suddenly exclaimed and hugged me again. “We have so much to talk about.”

“HAHAH! Okay! Okay, and before I forgot give this to Nyel,” I said and put a big paper bag on my table.

“Oh! Thanks! He’ll love this for sure,” he responds.

“Does Soobin know about him?” I asked him and he just shook his head. “When are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know yet.”

I sighed. “Okay then. Let’s go to the event center.”

I’m wearing a surgical mask and in black cap when I enter the event hall. From the outside to inside, everything is well organized. Some of the staffs are still checking everything.

“Did you send him an invitation?” I asked him referring to Choi.

“Yap! But I don’t really know if he’s going tho? He doesn’t have any reason to be in here because he doesn’t know you’re already here,” he replied.

“I’m actually afraid if he’ll show up,” I muttered and looked down. “Hyung, hold me. I’m nervous.”

He quickly holds both of my hand. “T-Taehyun, did you know that this is the first time after a while that I heard you saying you are afraid and nervous? You always keep everything to you a-and always act tough,” he observed.

“My doctor said always tells at least one person about how you feel to lessen it and don’t lock it up to yourself because it’ll grow bigger. Tell someone about it because they care about you,” I stated.

He suddenly hugged me. “Fuck, I can’t believe it. You changed so much just by that. Please. P-please know that I’m always here for you. I’m always here to listen and hold you. You are my bestfriend and my younger brother that I love the most. Okay?”

I nods and tears escaped from my eyes. “Thank you hyung for always being with me. Thank you so much,” I cried.

“Dumbass, don’t make me cry.”

I laugh and let go of his hug. “Thank you and sorry for being a brat,” I apologized.

He teasingly hit my head. “I don’t care if you act like a brat as long as you’re not hurting yourself and other people around you.”

“Yes sir!”

A deep breathe released from my mouth. Everything’s ready. I am ready. I can do this. I’m fine. I’m calm. I’m strong. I am healed. I can do whatever I want to do. I am now ready to meet him and tell him what I feel about him.

Let’s meet Choi Beomgyu.