Trigger Warning: This chapter will contain of the following content that you might find disturbing and sensitive; self-harm, homophobic, verbal, sexual and physical abuse, mention of suicide and drugs, and other vulgar words that are connected to this. Your mental health is priority! Please skip for your own sake!

KANG TAEHYUN

“Hyung look, he’s cute!”

I exclaimed referring to that tall half guy whom I heard just transfer at our university. He’s really tall and handsome and cute. I never saw such masterpiece before.

“Where? He looks like dick Tyun,” Yeonjun insulted without even giving a gaze to where I’m pointing since he’s busy looking at someone’s nude picture.

“Oh! It’s Ms. Kye!”

“Where!? Where!?”

He almost twists his neck just to search the surrounding when I mention her name. When he realize I’m bluffing he glared at me. “Do you want to die?”

“Try me,” I challenged him.

“Tsk! I have class, bye. Let’s just see each other later,” he replied and stood up holding his books that he probably won’t even read.

“If I know you’re just going to bang someone,” I stated.

He smirked. “That’s why I’ll attend class, Tyun. You said you’re going to start a business and you’re going to make me your partner so why would I study? Fuck it. I believe in you more than my lessons. Bye!”

I just chuckles when he said that and then I continued reading my lectures when someone called me. “Kang Taehyun?”

I looked up and saw her. “Yes, Ms. Kye?” I asked her.

“Have you seen Yeonjun?” she asked me.

“He just left for his class,” I replied.

“Class? His class will be on the next hour,” she answered.

I pursed my lips. “I-I don’t know. That’s what he said,” I just replied.

“That kid, I’m going to punch him!” she growl and then walks out.

It made me laugh again. You all will surprise what’s with Ms. Kye and Yeonjun hyung. They have the most complicated relationship ever. All I know is that it started when hyung’s late for his class which is to Ms. Kye.

Then she got mad to him since it’s how many times already that made hyung ended up in her office but I think hyung really turned the tables and ended up fucking her.

But I don’t really know if they like each other.

“Okay! For this activity you will be in pair…”

I sighed and played with my pen because I rather want to be working alone that group. I just don’t want to be with anyone.

“Hi!”

As soon as I saw him standing beside me looking down since I’m sitting, I really froze. He’s more handsome closer than when I saw him walking at the quadrangle.

“Hello,” I just replied. “Are you my partner?”

“Yeah, can I sit here?” he asked and smiles.

“Sure, let’s start working in this.”

He is Hueningkai. He came from US as a transfer student but he has already friends inside the university. I know that moment I have a crush on him but I don’t really want to be in relationship. I just want to admire him.

“Why don’t you give it a try?” Yeonjun hyung asked while playing with the soccer ball and we’re in the field right now.

“What if it’ll ruin my studies? What if my uncle finds out about it and beat me to death again?” I asked him casually.

“Your uncle won’t know about it, Tyun. Instead of living a life that others want you to live, start living your life the way you wanted it to be. In that way, there’ll be no regrets,” he advised and stood up.

“Then should I try?”

He throws the ball up and kicks it to his team members. “Go, I’ll be here for you.”

What Yeonjun hyung said drive me to confess my feelings to Huening after almost months of being a friend. I thought he’s going to reject me but he didn’t.

Huening is the sweetest. He really cares so much for me. We do our homeworks together. Yes, we attend party but we’re still able to do all of our school activities. I enjoyed everything while I’m being with him.

I feel so loved.

“Kai, you really love me, right?” I asked him while I’m resting on his chest.

“Of course! I love you so much. Why?”

I shook my head. “I’m so in love with you that I don’t know what I should do if you leave me,” I confessed.

He chuckles. “Silly, I’ll never do that.”

I believed. I believed him. Things went smoother between us. Through Kai, I learned so much stuff I didn’t know I will be into with. He changed me a lot and I let him do that to me because of love.

“Man, you take drugs now?” Yeonjun asked me.

“It wasn’t that drug that I can get into prison,” I countered.

“But still tho? Look, he’s not a good influence to you, I swear. Who the hell will introduce drugs and dirty stuff to the person they love? Those are crazy people who don’t really love you—“

“He loves me, hyung! And you said I should live my life the way I want and this is it. The life I want is to live with him,” I stated.

“Kid, are you blind? He’s going to fucking ruin you if you keep on letting him do that to you and where the hell did you get that bruise!?”

I quickly covered it with my hand. “T-this is nothing,” I replied and looked away.

“I’m going to kill him,” he muttered and started walking away so I grab his arm.

“No hyung! No! This is not his fault! I fell down last night!” I made up that made him stop and look at me with his mad eyes.

“Kang Taehyun, I’m telling you to leave that guy if you still want to live the life you really want.”

I neglect him. I didn’t listen to him.

Yes, Huening started hitting me sometimes. When he’s drunk and wanted to make love with him but I don’t want to, he’s going to hurt me and I just end up saying yes to him.

He changed so much but I didn’t mind to. Maybe, it’s his love language.

I manage to be with him since we graduate and we started living together. He still hurt me sometimes and I run to Yeonjun hyung but he’ll just going to scold me and that time hyung really had a huge problem with Ms. Kye so, I just shut up and didn’t disturb him at all.

Huening and I started doing our mini business with the help of our friends and support of my family. I already introduced him to my parents and they welcomed him but as for his side, he said his family is in US so I can’t meet them.

“K-Kai,” I called him as he entered our unit. “W-we’re where you?” I asked him.

“Just out there, can you make me a hot coffee?”

“A-are you drunk?”

“No, okay!? Just make me a coffee!” he suddenly shouted.

I gulped and started making a hot coffee for him. Clearly, he’s drunk and I’m starting to get nervous again. My hands are shaking in fear because in just one mistake, he’ll really scold and beat me again.

“H-here,” I lend the cup while he’s sitting in the sofa.

He took a sip and he suddenly spit it out. “What the heck is this!? You didn’t add sugar!?” he yelled and throws the cup at the floor that made me shock.

“A-ahh, m-maybe I forgot—“

He suddenly stood up and grabbed the collar of my clothes. “I ordered you to do on simple thing and you didn’t even make it right!? What are you!?”

My tears fall. “I-I’m sorry! I’ll make you another one—“

“No! Come here! You need to learn your lessons!”

He dragged me towards our room and I know where this is going. He pushed on the bed. I tried to stand up and get away from him but he’s too big for me and he can just reach me with his hands.

He tore my clothes aggressively and started kissing me. I am crying and begging him to stop because he’s hurting me but he didn’t. He can’t hear me at all. I cried and totally lost my mind after it happened.

But I love him so much that I still forgive him. I love him so much that I’m letting him to hurt me.

One day, he went out and he’s fully dressed. He didn’t tell me where he’s going and he said that I should just stay at home. I followed him secretly and then I saw him entering a high class restaurant.

What is he doing in here?

I am about to enter when I saw him outside. His arm wrapped around the woman’s waist and they are laughing while talking at each other. My eyes began to water as I approached them and I slapped the girl.

“What the hell!?”

She’s a foreigner and I don’t fucking care. How dare she act like that with my boyfriend!?

“Hell is you! What the fuck are you doing with my boyfriend!?” I yelled and pulled Kai away from her. “Get your hands off him!”

She scoffs. “Love, do you know him?” she asked Huening while looking at me.

Huening pulled his self away from me. “No, I don’t know who is he,” he denied.

My heart aches. My stomach twisted. My throat went dry. How could he say that?

“Let’s go inside, love,” Huening invited the girl and I can’t even mutter a single word.

“You go ahead first. Mom’s probably waiting,” she replied and Huening did what she said. She then looked at me. “Kang Taehyun, right? I know you.”

I can’t still find the courage to speak after what Huening just said. So, I keep my mouth shut.

“I’m Coleen, Hueningkai’s girlfriend. Our parents already know about our relationship and we meet each other while he’s still in US. So, basically you’re a third party, right? I know you, he talks about you sometime and I know you two has affair,” she stated.

“Why did I let him? Well, you’re a guy? He’s pretty bored too because I’m not by his side so I just let him fuck you and trick you that he loves you. HAHAHA! And you’re a stupid one for believing it, Kang Taehyun. Don’t worry, he’ll probably meet you again after this. Bye now.”

I left there dumbfounded. Crying in silent and couldn’t protest about my rights and how I feel. I decided to go home and not to cause any scandal in there.

But I think, coming home wasn’t a good idea because seeing that knife on the table made me cut myself.

I can see blood but I don’t feel hurt. I feel too dumb. I’m suffocated; I just want to end myself. But why do I still love him?

“This is why I told you to leave that asshole! Kang Taehyun, look at your fucking self!”

That’s what I heard after I open my eyes and see I’m in the hospital. My tears just escaped again.

“D-did he come here?” I asked him.

“Goddamnit! He did and I fucking kick his balls and almost stab him with a fucking syringe! Taehyun please! Don’t fucking put care about that jerk anymore! He’s just using you.”

“He still loves me.”

“Argh! Fuck! Fuck this shit! What am I gonna fucking do to you!?” he growl in anger.

“I love him, hyung. I still l-love him,” I cried and he hugged me.

“I know Tyun but as far as I know love doesn’t fucking work like that. I am no love expert but I know there’s no love at all already. True love doesn’t make you kill yourself because of pain.”

But what am I gonna do? Wherever I go, I still find myself going in his embrace.

“H-hueningkai,” I called him and hugged him from the back before he could even step out of the door.

“What now?”

“I k-know you love her more than I but please, please stay with me. Please? I don’t care if you love her. I don’t care if you meet him but please, please give me some of your love too,” I begged.

He looked at me and held my chin. “Sure, let’s do that. I don’t really mind,” he quickly agreed that made me smile.

“Thank you!”

I am stupid, I know and you know what’s more stupid in here? Witnessing them having sex inside the room while I’m just outside hearing their lewd noises.

I didn’t mind at all because I love him. At least, he’s still with me, right? At least he’s still staying with me. That’s what it all matters.

But I want to be greedy. I want him mine alone.

“What did you say?” Huening asked with his knitted brows.

“C-can’t you break up with her?”

He laughs so hard. “Are you crazy? Why would I? Wait, you just want me to fuck you, right? Okay, I’ll do it. Come here—“

“No, I love you. S-so, can we just stay together?” I insisted.

“You really are crazy.”

“No, I’m not! I love you and I want you mine! If you just want my asshole then I will give it to you! You can fuck me whenever you want but I want you to break up with her! I will do everything for you! I’m much better than her! I can take care of you more than—“

I received a hard slap from him. “You are no near from her, Kang Taehyun. You’re a slut and she isn’t. I love her and you’re just my past time. You get that?”

My tears started to escape from my eyes. “I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry, Kai. Please don’t leave me—“

“Enough. I’m going to leave you now.”

He started packing his things and I started crying while I’m stopping him but he punched me that made me hit my back at the nightstand and I groaned in pain but I didn’t mind it.

“Huening! Please! Please don’t leave me! Please!” I begged but hit me again.

“Fuck! Don’t fucking touch me! I’m done with you! I’m so fucking done! Let me go!” he yelled at me.

I knelt and grab his leg. “Please, don’t! Don’t! I can’t live without you, please!” I begged.

He stops and lowered himself. “I’m sorry. These are all my fault. I’m going now.”

“No! No! Stop! Huening!”

I run, I followed him but he left without even looking back.

Since that night when Hueningkai left me, I never talk to anyone. Even Yeonjun hyung is finding it real hard. Whenever I see something that can make me remember Huening, I’m starting to get hysterical.

I locked up myself and my parents don’t know a thing about it. Only Yeonjun hyung is the only one who takes care of me. He got me a psychiatrist to treat me but whenever I’m alone, it starts kicking in again.

He’s in everywhere I see and it’s haunting me.

That’s when I help myself too. I busied myself with working. I just work, work, and work until I collapsed just to forget everything about him. I’m recovering, Dr. Park said and I can see it. I can see my progress.

And when I’m starting to heal myself that’s when a coping mechanism of mine started to grow too and that’s to make others feel the same pain as I have just to make myself don’t feel at loss.

I started ruining other’s relationship with how the way Hueningkai does to me. I want other people to know my pain. I want them to suffer the same pain that I have. I became stone cold and don’t want to love anymore.

“Does it really satisfy you? Breaking relationship just like that?” hyung asked me as we head inside my office.

“Here, give this to Nyel,” I just replied and handed him a paper bag.

“Thanks, he’ll like this but answer my question, could you?”

“I came from Itaewon and I saw this guy,” I started and open the folder that’s on the table. “He looks so fucking handsome and hot,” I added. “Choi Beomgyu, a barista.”

“Damn, he’s the hottest from your entire victims— fuck! Please, why don’t you stop it?” he suggested.

“Okay, I will. If I don’t meet him then I’ll leave him alone.”

And that night when I just left someone, I suddenly felt different. Out of a sudden I feel my heart getting heavy, I’m also shaking and I don’t have my meds in me.

It’s here again.

I started to drive slowly and decided to calm myself with a coffee but I was shock when I saw this barista in the counter. That’s when my life suddenly changed.

That’s the start how this barista changed me.