CHOI AERA

I knew it all along, I’m a woman after all. I’m not that dumb not to sense something is wrong but I’m dumb enough to keep it all.

Why?

Because I love him so much that I can’t afford to lose him.

“Uhm, I don’t really want to drink tonight. Finals just ended so I want to rest,” I reasoned out to my friend during our college years.

“No Ae! You’re coming with us tonight! Come on!”

I left no choice that night and went with them. We’re inside this resto bar where university students like us always chill out especially at this time.

We’re in this front table with beer and the band in the stage hasn’t started yet. Then the lights closed while my friends are already in the table circular table with me.

Then I saw this guy in black jacket with their department shirt as his inner, black faded jeans, also with a white bandana, while he’s holding his electric guitar. That’s Choi Beomgyu.

He held the mic and cleared his throat. “U-uhm, hi,” he started shyly.

My besties started pushing me and laughing at me that actually made me feel embarrassed as well. What is he doing in up there!? My goodness!

“I’m Choi Beomgyu and I’ll be singing for tonight. I know everyone here will hear it but I want that woman looking at me to hear it alone because what I’m going to sing is for her and to tell her how much I really like her.”

The crowd started looking at me and teasing me so I just covered myself with my hand, not knowing what to react. I feel so flattered! I don’t what to do. I can also feel my cheeks getting hotter.

The band started playing while he’s singing and looking at me. His lovely eyes are piercing mine and I can feel my heart beating so fast. I don’t know but him singing for me, ecstasy.

“Choi Aera, can I be your boyfriend?”
“Be my man, Choi Beomgyu!”

That’s how we ended being together. Everyone roots for us. We stayed together at everything. He was my first at everything and he’s really taking care of me so much. He’s the most romantic person I ever met aside from my dad.

That’s why I don’t know where everything went wrong.

I thought I was just overthinking things. That maybe he’s just replying late because he’s busy— he’s a café owner anyways, right? That’s why I just shrugged those thoughts.

But it just keeps on getting worst.

Checked his phone but there is no other girl in there and if ever there is, it’s the Spring crews. That made me really crazy because maybe, I’m just being paranoid?

Not until I felt something wrong between him and Taehyun.

I swear, if you’re a woman in relationship, you could fucking feel it in instant. But still, I don’t want to conclude things. I don’t want to suspect my boyfriend because I trust him and I believe that he loves me.

But no matter how I think positive, he’s the first one who’ll make it all negative.

I can see it. The way he looks at him. His simple care to him and when I finally know who that ‘Kang’ in his contact. That’s when I realized that there’s really something going on between them.

No, I want to trust him. I want to trust his words but he’s making me doubt every single time.

That night at Yeonjun oppa’s birthday, I am awake. I saw him leave the room. I followed him only to find out he entered Taehyun’s room. I cried so much because I waited for him to come back. I waited for him the whole night but he went back at morning already.

“Why are you doing this to me, Beomgyu? I don’t want to accept it. I can’t. I don’t want to accept that you’re slowly becoming his,” I cried while he’s sleeping.

I was glad when he stays away from him for the meantime. I thought that maybe this will continue already. But I guess I’m wrong.

I went to Daegu to surprise him but his mom told me that he just arrived earlier that day but he left our house the other night. Where was he yesterday? Where did he sleep?

My feet stopped moving when I saw a pair of new shoes in the rack of shoes. I wanted to think that it’s his brother’s but his hyung isn’t staying in Daegu anymore.

Fuck.

I was about to knock on his door when I overheard a conversation. I felt a sting in my chest, it tightens. I can’t breathe properly. I think I’m going to die.

“Are you really going to get married?”

“Do you want me to?”

“If I told you not to, are you going to do it?”

“Taehyun, I can stop it, risk everything, and face all the disappointments of the both family if you’ll just told me to be with you and we’ll live together. I can do everything for you, if you just love me the way I love you.”

I held my chest, my throat dried. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout and rant all the pain I have. I can’t believe he will throw the thought of marriage just for him.

I’m so stupid to still love him.

But still, I tried to understand him. I tried to. I will always understand the situation because I love him. He might still change. I know he still love me.

That’s why I’ll still hold on to that tiny chance.

"My Aera, when are you and Beomgyu gonna get married?" my mom asked me.

"M-married?"

"Aera, do you remember my friend's daughter? He's already a grandfather now! I'm already excited to be a grandfather too HAHAHA!" my dad exclaimed.

"W-Well... We're still planning it..."

I know they aren't pressuring me at all. They are just asking but I know too, they badly wanted to have me bear a child.

It's hurting me.

“Cous! What are you doing in here outside? You know my passcode— fuck! Why are you crying? Come here inside—“

“O-oppa, I w-waited for him but he didn’t come. I know w-where he is but I h-hope I’m wrong,” I bawled and hug my knees while sitting on the cold floor in front of Soobin oppa’s unit.

He held me and guided me inside his unit. He made me sit and gets water for me. My hands are shaking as I get the glass and drink it. Then I started telling him what happened with my loud sobs and coughs.

“I h-hate him s-so much!” I bawled and started kicking the air.

“That asshit, I swear to God I’m going to kill him. He’s probably with Taehyun again— shit,” he paused and looked at me. “I meant not— like, I don’t really—“

I cried so loud again. “He’s really with him? No!” I stood up. “I’m going to kill him!” I yelled then he grabs my waist back to him that made my back feel his stomach.

“Cous! Wait! Calm down! You can kill him later just calm down first! Sit down,” he convinced me.

Then he lifts me up and put me back on the seat. I lost all my energy from crying and I just sit there blankly. Not talking. I’m just tired.

“You knew about it?” he asked me and I just nods. “I’m sorry if I hid it to you too. I swear I convinced him to tell you the truth already and he said he will but—“

“He likes him already,” I muttered and looked down as tears streams down again. “The way he looks at him, I know. I know I lost.”

“Do you still love him?”

“I do and I will always do. He’ll just say sorry… and everything will be fine. I can forget e-everything just like that he’ll explain thing to me. I will fight for us, oppa,” I answered with my crack voice.

“But what if you’re the only one who wants to fight? What if he’s just waiting for you to let him go?”

I bit my lips and breathe in so deep. I stayed quiet because that thought already crossed my mind and I’m really afraid of that thought. I’m afraid that he’ll leave me because he promised me he’s going to stay with me always.

Ironically, maybe he’s saying that as well to Taehyun but to his it’s more sincere. That scares me to death.

The fact that he’ll leave me any minute now, scares me the most.

“O-oppa, what should I do?”

“Break up with him.”

I stopped when I heard that. I never thought of that. I never thought of breaking up with Beomgyu even if he’s cheating with someone I used to look up.

“I-I can’t do that. N-no, not that,” I cried and shivers.

I felt his arms wrapped around me. Soobin oppa is so huge that his embrace is enough to cover the whole me. I cried at his chest. I cried so much, so hard.

“You don’t deserve him cous. You’re beautiful and you’re kind so please know your worth. I don’t want you to spend your life to someone like him. Yes, he’s my friend but he’s wrong and I don’t want seeing you like this. I can’t stand my cousin getting hurt from a trash.”

“I still love him.”

“Bullshit,” he cursed under his breathe like what he heard from me is a total nonsense.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry because I love him so much,” I bawled while gripping his shirt so tight.

I can’t lose Beomgyu right now. I can’t lose him, not at this moment. Not at this crucial moment where I need him the most.

“Okay, just talk to him first and decide things. Let him explain and weigh everything okay? If he’s hurting you more than he’s loving you. I’m not in the position to tell you what you really need to do, so I’m really sorry.”

“What if he’ll break up with me?”

“Uhm, i-isn’t that like better?”

“No! I can’t! I can’t live without him!”

“Damn it,” he cursed again. “Okay, j-just talk to him for now and then tell me what he said so that I can help you, okay? And cous, you’re worth it. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you do,” he comforted me.

“T-thanks oppa.”

It took me a lot of time to face Beomgyu. We do date but I can’t open up things to him— I’m scared. We plan a lot of things but it keeps on getting canceled, another after another.

And whenever it does, he’s with Taehyun.

He doesn’t pursue me anymore. He doesn’t update me everytime. It’s okay for him if we can’t meet. It’s okay for him if we’re arguing. It’s fine for him if we don’t talk at all. He doesn’t make efforts anymore to make up with me.

He doesn’t care if I’m hurt anymore.

Why? Am I not enough? Is he better than me? Where did I lack of? Did I do something wrong that offended him? In what aspect I am flawed at that he let someone filled instead of talking to me? Why?

Why did he cheat on me?

I’m so feed up with feeling anxious every night. I can’t properly eat, I can’t sleep because of too much questions that no one could answer. I always fail at work because of overthinking.

I’m so exhausted.

So, I decided to talk to him. Went to his unit and I saw other pair of shoes that’s clearly not his. A familiar scent of perfume that I disgust the most is roaming inside his unit. My heart beats so fast. I’m shaking, I’m scared.

They are here.

His door is slightly opened so I peak and I covered my mouth to not to make any sounds while watching Taehyun kissing my boyfriend. I thought I’m ready. I thought I can handle it. I thought I can.

Then Kang Taehyun and my gaze meet. He looked at me without any hint of fear, he looked at me so deep like he’s telling me, he has fully controlled my man. That he owns him already.

And I swear I saw him smirk at me like seeing them together with my own two eyes is a total victory for him.

Like a plan of him just got succeed.