"When I grow up, I want it all."

"What do you mean, Tae?" Jimin shifts, feeling the damp grass under him, as they gaze into the dark night sky above.

"You know that huge house two blocks down, the one with the big metal gate and tall fences? I want to buy it for my parents, so we can live in it together."

"Wow, but what would you do with all of it, it's so big for just the three of you..."

An eye roll, "Chims, you gotta dream big. I want only the best for us. I mean, you can live with us too, I'd have a room just for you, filled with all the video games in the world."

"I dunno, I'm fine with my room right now, I mean, it's small and gets hot but -" he pauses when he spots Tae pouting, and smiles sheepishly, "but you're right, it would be nice if we live together."

"Yes! I can buy you anything you want, anything! And we'd never have to climb the fence to sneak into this garden again, finally walking in properly like we own the damn place."

Jimin scrunches up his nose, and curls into Taehyung. Under the velvety night sky with a million twinkling stars, with the future spread out in front of them, filled with endless possibilities, it's easy to be optimistic. Jimin whispers, "Yes, I'd like that, together..."

Taehyung and Jimin have always been inseparable, growing up in the same neighbourhood as kids. They adore the gated garden across the street from their apartment buildings. It's reserved for the mansions of the rich neighborhood, but they would climb up the wrought iron fence at night to play inside.

It always feels so vast and magical to two kids, the forbidden garden at night, where they pretend anything is possible in the world. Next to the trickling fountain, lying on the grassy field with plumeria branches above them, they talk about dreams of the future with the kind of certainty and optimism reserved for kids. In all the millions of iterations of the future, they are always together.

Those are some of the best memories of Jimin's childhood, and he safeguards them carefully, just like his relationship with Tae, which morphs into something more as they grow up. First trembling kiss in the dark, first I-love-you under the mistletoe, first night when they shed their innocence together - love comes effortlessly to them, as if it was always meant to be.

But slowly, they begin to have different aspirations.

Tae is sick of their old neighbourhood and wants to break free, to see the world, and Jimin is a little reluctant to leave. So they linger around after college, Tae growing more frustrated by the day and Jimin putting up with the bickering. Until one day the inevitable happens, Tae announces that he got a job in the glitzy metropolis close by.

"Come join me. You will come, won't you?"

Jimin smiles hesitantly, "Maybe, maybe one day. I just started my teaching job here, can't just ditch like that. And it's expensive out there, so crowded and fast paced... I'll miss my kids... maybe you go first, I'll save up and find a job there, maybe in a year or so." He nudges his forehead into Tae, and gulps when Tae looks away.

"I'm doing it this time. You can't talk me out of it again. Don't try to guilt trip me, Chims. I have to get out of here, I've wasted too many years in this crappy place."

Jimin sighs, "I've never wanted to guilt trip you. If it's your dream, you should go for it, Tae. We'll be back together one day, we always do, right?"

On an unassuming summer day, Jimin watches as Tae drives away with a packed car, leaving him behind. He wonders if Tae is looking in the rear view mirror, as his own gaze traces the car until it recedes into the distance. There's a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, that something is changing, irreversibly so.

✿

Jimin tries to enjoy the dream job he's worked so hard to obtain, but somehow even the smiles of his beloved kids cannot cheer him up. Tae calls him sometimes, chatting giddily about the world out there, how he's getting promoted, chasing one big deal after another, trying to impress people that Jimin has no interest in. He listens carefully, treasuring all the calls, for he knows what will inevitably happen: slowly Tae begins to call less. The weekly calls turn into occasional texts. Until it all fades into silence.

Some days, when the night is especially dark, and the silence becomes eerie, Jimin wonders if he's made a mistake. He dreams of leaving everything behind and chasing down Tae in the city, running into his embrace again. It brings a bittersweet smile to his lips, and eases the heartache a little. But the next morning, in the glaring daylight, things would feel different again, back to reality. It's not just the physical distance. They grew apart over the years, became different people with different needs. Tae wants it all, the fame, the success, the recognition of people outside of their little bubble. And Jimin has never left, his heart has always been here, in the garden of forever youth, at home where he belongs. At least he won't be a burden anymore. At least Tae can soar freely now.

Jimin starts to think that perhaps that's how his life will be forever, living unassumingly with the tinge of regret plaguing his mind forever. But the funny thing about life is, some people are not meant for a life of ordinary moments, even if it's what they crave the most. Sometimes life calls upon the unassuming, breaking their world and demanding more from them, bringing out the grit they didn't know they had.

Jimin's mom falls ill suddenly. He blinks, and half a year passes and his world is turned upside down. The old house is filled with memories of her, and some days, he wakes up forgetting about what happened and waits for her cheerful voice calling out to him for breakfast, only to realize a moment later that he'll never hear it again. There's a piece of paper by his nightstand, each word etched onto his mind, yet he reaches for it over and over, reading and rereading, holding it carefully between his fingers, afraid that it would disappear too just like all the people he's ever loved. It's a note that his mom left behind.

She wrote that she regretted never getting the chance to step into the world, never loving again after the divorce, thinking that home was where she belonged when in reality she was afraid, afraid of how insignificant she would feel out there, afraid of failures and rejections. She wanted Jimin to have a better life, to dare to step out, and maybe come home again one day but with the ability to say that he's lived a life with no regrets.

"And don't be afraid to love, please. It hurts but you get up and keep looking for it. I wish you all the happiness in the world that I only dreamt of."

It takes Jimin a few months to figure out what to do. He sells the house and settle all of his mom's bills, and leaves with nothing but a backpack swung over his shoulders.

✿

His first stop is a volunteering teaching position at a rural school in Ecuador, the first country abroad he's ever been to and what a start. It turns out to be physically demanding, helping to build school structures, and constantly fixing up the one truck they have that's constantly threatening to give up. But slowly, he picks up on the language and feels the vibrant colours of the new life seeping into his dreams.

It's hard to get homesick when you no longer have a home. And the aches are slowly replaced by pride and fulfillment, as he becomes more adaptive, more flexible, and amazes himself in how quickly he picks up on new skills when a whole school of kids depends on him.

He can't quite pinpoint when he starts to let go of the regret and hurt, just knows that every time he checks, the pent up needs begin to fade, replaced by something more pure. He still thinks of Tae, but it's gentle and sweet, back to how they were as kids. He wishes with his whole heart that Tae is happy, wherever he is, living life as he has always intended, reveling in the freedom he deserves.

One day, as Jimin snaps a photo outside school, of the rolling grass fields and snow capped mountains, he looks up a familiar phone number and sends the photo along. It's an impulse move, and when he doesn't get any message back, Jimin feels ok. Maybe Tae changed his phone number, maybe it's just a message into the void, but it feels good to share something positive with no string attached, like a blank letter filled with nothing but love. So it becomes a habit - he continues to send photos to the number that never messages back, once a month or two, sharing beautiful vistas, or small details of his life.

Half a year passes, as new volunteers arrive at the little school, Jimin hears them mention of a place in Bolivia, another similar town that has been ravaged by a river flood, the small school there all but wiped out and in urgent need of a helping hand. He feels his heart thrumming excited at the idea, and it surprises even himself, someone that was so determined to settle down in one town for forever, suddenly yearning to go somewhere brand new and unknown again. But he complies, making arrangements and bidding farewell with all the kids he's grown to know, departing onto the next adventure.

Jimin realizes that once you keep home within your heart, once you start moving and know that people need your help elsewhere, the unknown doesn't seem so scary anymore. Every half a year or so, he finds the wanderlust catching up to him, as he moves onto the next location. From the mountains of the Andes, to the tropical beach of Mexico, from the reflective rice paddies of southern China, to the crowded streets of Nepal, he welcomes each sunrise with gratitude and anticipation, sometimes with companions beside, but always returning back to solitude eventually.

The only constant in his life is the sporadic photos he sends to the same silent phone number, like a memento that he delivers into the void, never expecting anything in return. Until one day, he looks at his phone and notices, to his disbelief, that he receives a message back. Four simple words that make his breath hitch and heart thump wildly against his chest:

Where are you now?

✿

The hotel bar is on the rooftop level, with chromed surfaces and black crystal pendants glistening dimly. The night is dark outside, the sprawling landscape of LA spread out below them, with a million lights twinkling and overshadowing the stars above. It all feels polished and impersonal, so unlike the countryside Jimin is familiar with, of grassy scents and muddy toddler handprints.

He rubs his eyes and steps in, straightening the only wrinkled shirt he has. A few years ago, he would've been intimidated by the place, feeling inadequate. But now, the self consciousness has been replaced by detachment. He doesn't belong here, has no need for the pretentiousness. Jimin is here for one reason only.

There's a lone silhouette by the floor to ceiling glass overlooking the vista outside, tall, slim, in a black suit that costs more than all of his savings. The figure turns around, and the flash of recognition in his eyes pierces straight through Jimin. Suddenly, fear looms in his heart, paralyzing his limbs. He thought he was over it all, no longer the weak little suburban kid yearning desperately to be loved. He was wrong.

Tae's lips curl into a sad little grin and Jimin feels all his defence evaporating.

"I didn't think you'd come."

Jimin scoffs, "You paid for everything before I even accepted, I never had a choice."

"Well..." Taehyung clicks his tongue, "You always have a choice."

"Do I? What do you want anyways? You never say a word for three years and suddenly you want to meet up?"

Tae turns silent, the dim bar light sliding off his profile. He purses his lips and murmurs, "You're right, it was a stupid move. I'm not ready for this yet, not at all. But I couldn't help it, just couldn't stay silent anymore." He steps closer, and sucks in a sharp inhale, "I miss you. There, you win. Does it make you happy to know that I've missed you every day since I left, that every time I get a text from you, I feel like I've made the biggest mistake in my life when I left?"

Jimin frowns at the tremble in Taehyung's voice. Tae looks taller now, even more slender, his once soft jawline now angular. Yet he jutes out his lips exactly the same way as before, and his gaze holds the same reverence, pleading, seeking for the warmth that Jimin thought he no longer could provide. His heart clutches, and he sighs. Like a fool, Jimin finds his arms opening up and reaching in.

Later, in the privacy of the hotel room, when their breaths mix and bodies clash into each other roughly, Jimin feels waves of desire overwhelming him like nothing he's experienced before. They were each other's firsts, sure, but everything was always tender and playful, full of adolescent innocence. But now. Now Jimin wants to devour him whole, etch every whimper and moan onto him like a searing brand that declares his selfish possession.

His.

The intensity of his need scares even himself, as he lies in bed afterwards, spent and gasping for air.

What will become of them...

"If I ask you to stay, would you do that for me? Would you stay by my side, please?" The murmur beside him is quiet but rips his heart open, as he hears the unmistakable vulnerability in Tae's voice.

"But why are we even here? Why all this? Haven't you seen enough of the world, Tae? Let's go home, together. We don't even have to go back to the same neighbourhood, wherever we are will be home. But not here, not like this..."

A sigh, as Tae curls into him, the touch of his fingers cold, "I haven't seen anything. I thought I was ditching my old life behind and finally free when I came here, but it's just another trap... it's hard to breathe on most days, yesterday I made a mistake with one trade and lost 20 million... I can't leave, I've poured everything into these deals, every day could make or break me..."

Jimin frowns, "If this isn't what you want, then why are you here? Funny how I was always the one that wanted to stay behind, but ended up out there, losing and finding myself over and over." He turns away and rasps, "I cant stay w you, not like this, not while I watch you sink into some empty obsession that means nothing to me. I'll wait for you to be done. You'll be back, won't you? Maybe another year and we'll go home together?"

"Maybe..." Tae breathes the words into his shoulder. Jimin blinks hard and doesn't respond, not wanting to speak it any further. Some conversations are too delicate to be spoken out loud, each word carrying enough weight to crumble your heart. Sometimes, it's easier to let it slide instead, to cover up the wounds with a pretty little lie.

Jimin leaves the next morning. This time, he's the one that leaves first, as the cab drives away and leaves Tae behind. He doesn't have the heart to look back, but the image of Tae biting on his lips with clenched jaw lingers on his mind long after the goodbye.

✿

Jimin stops sending photos as messages. He still gets the urge sometimes, staring into a pretty horizon and reminiscing about the past. But he keeps the thoughts to himself. Maybe sometimes, the past belongs only to the ones that wish to remember. Maybe, as we grow up, we lose parts of ourselves along the way, scattered bits that are swept up by the wind.

He becomes a manager for the nonprofit organization that arranges for the volunteering opportunities abroad, and continues to move up as his reputation builds. It's lonely, flying and visiting various locations, but he chooses the solitary lifestyle willingly, allowing himself the luxury of being lost alone in the world.

Until one day, Jimin bumps into an acquaintance from childhood. After some small talk, the conversation meanders onto people they both know, "hey, didn't you know Taehyung well? I heard he's going through a rough patch recently."

"How so?" Jimin looks down and keeps his expressions unaffected.

"Well, you know how he made it big in hedge funds? I think people got jealous. Someone blew the whistle on their operations, and now they are under investigation for fraud and insider trading. All his clients ditched him, and his health supposedly is really poor also. Man, when it rains..."

Jimin hums and doesn't comment. The rest of the conversation passes in a blur, all the words turning into a muted buzz, and his mind muddled with a thousand thoughts. He pulls out his phone and types up a text. He waits, and waits, until dawn creeps up the horizon and the phone stays silent. Exasperation makes his blood boil and stomach churn. After a few days, he knows what needs to be done.

✿

Taehyung moves back to the old neighbourhood, and buys a place so he can finally access the gated garden with a key.

He visits the garden all the time, laughing inwardly as he toys with the idea of climbing through the fence instead. The garden is much smaller than he remembers, the fountain looks worn out, the blooming flowers nowhere to be found.

Tae would sit by the bench and close his eyes, searching for the saccharine scent of white plumeria flowers on his mind, amidst broken fragments of reverie. If the world exists only on your mind, then can you rewind and turn back time?

Life seems to be an endless chase, you work hard to gain back what you possessed as a kid - freedom, hope, and love. The kind of love that doesn't have to be named, the kind that you give freely because there's so much of it within, gushing out like a bubbling spring.

The wind blows and rustles the leaves around him, like whispers of the past. It feels chilly against his skin and draws a shiver out of him. Tae feels a presence behind him, stirring up a familiar sense of comfort.

He could almost picture those hands, small but radiating warmth, reaching to rest on his shoulders, and the soft giggle that follows, musical and light. Tae pauses, keeping his eyes closed, dwelling in the moment and willing for the phantom presence to linger a little longer.

It's just his mind playing tricks on him again, he's sure of it, trying to cope, confused by the familiar setting.

He is startled when the person sits down next to him.

Tae gulps but cant help tracing each detail of the familiar profile with his gaze.

Is this a dream? If it is, then he wishes to close his eyes and never wake up.

It's silly, really. Both of them knew that this day would come, yet like reaching a final destination after a long treacherous journey, he's still stunned, in disbelief.

Finally, Jimin speaks first, "you ignored me again."

Tae stammers, "I - I'm - you shouldn't be here..."

Jimin glares at him, "I shouldn't be here? That's all you got to say, that I shouldn't be here? Fuck, that was the problem all along. I should've been with you every step of the way, I should've been here all along."

Tae frowns, "no, that's not right. I was selfish and stupid, chased after meaningless things, ripped us apart. I don't deserve anything, I couldn't even face you-"

A set of hands reach in and grab him by the shoulder, gently but firm, "and I let you. This whole time, we were both trying to find ourselves, but we should've never done it alone. What's the point of me trying to save the world, if I couldn't even help the one I truly loved, couldn't watch out for you and share every day with you? Tae, I made a mistake. It doesn't matter if I don't agree with what you do, doesn't matter that life is far more complicated than what we dreamt of when we were kids. People change and they drift in and out, but I want us to stick together from now on, no matter what."

Tae's voice turns quiet, as he lowers his head and retracts into himself, "You shouldn't have found me. I really messed up this time, the investigation will last forever, sucking me dry. And my body is not cooperating either, some days it takes all the energy just to get out of bed. You have the world now, I'll only drag you down..."

They turn silent, as the night hides them from reality, and the chilly wind swirling up memories of plumeria fragrance in the dark. Jimin drapes his arm around Taehyung carefully.

"How did we forget, that we were so much stronger together. I love you, Taehyung - vain, selfish, gentle, or sweet - I love every bit of you, and I should've never rejected you when you needed me the most. I'm sorry."

Jimin lifts his hand and thumbs away the wetness by Taehyung's lashes, and leans in. When his lips brush by Taehyung's gingerly, Taehyung's torso stiffens, making his heart sink. Jimin frowns, about to pull back and swallow the bitter taste of rejection, but he feels a sigh escaping Taehyung's lips, breathed into the kiss, as Taehyung's hands grasp onto his shirt timidly.

When they part, there's tenderness in Taehyung's eyes, brighter than the stars above, "Please, don't apologize. You were always with me, in one way or another. I saved all your photos, pretended I was there with you each step of the way. They were the only things that cheered me up in the darkest days, and I knew that's why you sent them, because you never gave up on me."

He smiles, and rests his head on Jimin's shoulder, "This feels like such a dream, Chims. I always thought you hated my ways, that I didn't deserve this, didn't deserve your attention after leaving you behind. It's been so long, so many nights of just myself, this all feels like a beautiful dream..." his words trail off, drifting into the night weightlessly, making Jimin flinch with guilt and reach out to hold onto him.

Can't lose him again, can't let go.

Funny how life has a way of reaching full circle, Jimin muses, in the end it takes searching all around the world to find himself and the love that was always there, right where he started.

He still considers himself lucky though. Sometimes you never realize when love eludes you, the kind of love one you have pushed away foolishly, not knowing it was the one that you didn't deserve.

They lean into each other, letting the serenity of the moment sink in slowly, dwelling in the secret garden reserved for just the two of them.

Forever young.

FIN