Second Entry: THIS LOVE DIES

THIS LOVE DIES written by hannanusman
BTS ONE-SHOT COMPILATION
[A Kim Namjoon One-shot]
[BROKEN HEARTS SERIES]
© 2018 CT All Rights Reserved
Fanfiction/ Teen Fiction

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Do not distribute, publish, transmit, modify, display or create derivative works from or exploit the contents of this story in any way. Please obtain permission.

Finished: January 11, 2017
Published: January 5, 2018

The second installment of Broken Heart Series.

*

I love you, you love me but we both know that the love we have will never survive in this harsh world. 'Cause we… we are sinners.

'Cause I'm yours.

Napangiti ako nang makita ang stuffed toy na dumating sa boarding house. It was a life size image of Finn of The Adventure Time. Sa harap ng kulay asul na damit ni Finn naka-ukit ang mga salitang: 'Cause I'm yours.

I was busy with the stuffed toy when my phone suddenly rang. Nasa mesa iyon katabi ng maliit kong kama. Sa dalawang phone kong nasa mesa, yung keypad phone ko ang tumutunog. Agad kong nilipad ang mesa at dinampot ang phone.

It was a text message. I opened it.

From: Namjoon
i'm sorry, Seane

i hope Finn made you smile :)

magkasama pa rin kami ni Maan

i'll call you when I get home

I love you

Nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi ko nang matapos kong mabasa ang text niya. He really knew how to pick on my weakness but he also knew how to disappoint me.

Pinadala niya si Finn para makabawi dahil magkasama sila ni Maan. Alam niyang ikagagaan ng loob ko ang cartoon character na ito, lalo na at nanggaling sa kaniya.

I sat at the side of my bed and tightly hugged Finn.

Panigurado binubusog niya rin ng 'I Love You' si Maan. Panigurado, niyayakap at hinahalikan niya rin si Maan. Paniguradong ginagawa nila ang lahat ng ginagawa ng mga normal na mag-boyfriend-girlfriend. At nasasaktan ako dahil puwedeng-puwede nilang gawin iyon.

They were free to show to the world their affections to each other.

Nasasaktan ako kasi gusto ko sa akin nagagawa ni Namjoon ang mga iyon.

I knew, I would be too selfish if I would wish to be in Maan shoes when in fact, ako yung nakikihati rito. I would be too thick-faced if I hoped to own Namjoon when in fact, I was just the second choice. The third party. The hidden girlfriend.

His secret. His mistake.

Yeah right. I was a third party. At ang masama pa, kaibigan ko si Maan.

Naisip kong mag-reply. Alam kong mali ang ginagawa ko pero si Namjoon ang kasiyahan ko. I was happy with the little attention he was giving me. I was happy being with him. Kahit na alam kong may masasaktan ako. 'Cause I loved Namjoon.

To: Namjoon
don't kiss her in public, Namjoon

don't hug her. don't hold her hand

Pls. I love you

And I knew, the most selfish thing to do was to restrict Namjoon from doing things he should do for Maan pero gusto kong fair kami rito. Kung hindi ako puwedeng yakapin at halikan ni Namjoon sa public, dapat ganoon din siya kay Maan.

Sinabi niyang mahal niya ako, hindi ba natural lang na mag-demand ako?

Ilang minuto lang ay nakatanggap ako ng reply from Namjoon. I was using two phones for safety na rin. One keypad and one touch screen. Ang keypad ay talagang binili ko para lang kay Namjoon, para sa texting at calling namin. Ibang sim ang ginagamit kong pan-text at pantawag sa kaniya.

For safety. Kapag nahuli kami ay baka magkagulo.

From: Namjoon
alright, baby

i won't

don't worry

That made me smile again. That assured me.

Isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit kumakapit ako sa relasiyong mayroon kami ni Namjoon, ay dahil pinaparamdam niya sa akin na mahal niya ako. He always gave me the assurance that comforted me.

Paano nga ba kami humantong sa ganito?

Originally, Namjoon was Maan's boyfriend and Maan was one of my friends. Nakilala ko si Namjoon dahil kay Maan. And just how playful destiny was, isang araw nagising na lang ako na magka-text kami ni Namjoon, madalas ay magkatawagan kami. We never got bored of each other. We both enjoyed each other's company.

At first, I thought, it would be just like that but I was wrong. Dahil nang makita ko mismo kung gaano siya ka-sweet kay Maan, hindi ko napigilang magselos.

No, not because of Namjoon but because I wanted to be treated that way too. Iyon bang may nag-aalalaga sa akin. Iyon bang may nagpaparamdam sa aking mahalaga ako. Iyon bang may nagpaparamdam sa akin na isa akong prinsesa.

And no, I never planned to get Namjoon from Maan. I never even imagined that I would be having an affair with Namjoon in behind Maan's back. It just happened in a blast!

One night, Namjoon came to me drunk and drowned me with his confessions. Noong gabing iyon, doon ko napatunayan na sobrang dali lang sumira ng relasiyon. I never ever planned to ruin them, but I did… unconsciously.

Hindi ko alam na iyong simpleng pag-uusap namin ni Namjoon at pag-te-text ay kayang hanginin ang nararamdaman niya papunta sa akin.

I never ever wanted him for myself but I accepted him because I loved him. Just like their relationship, I had been swayed too easily too. I didn't want him to cheat but the ordeal of having him, it required me to let him cheat. On Maan. With me.





Habang nasa klase ay nakatanggap ako ng text mula kay Namjoon.

From: Namjoon
science lab

see you

i love you

See how toxic his love was?

His simple text like this could make my heart beat erratically, out of tune and irregular. But I could manage how toxic it was as long as I had him by my side and never leaving me, I could hold on. I could hold on even if I could only love him in behind the shadow.

Cause that was how our love was. I accepted long ago that the love we had could die easily. It could easily be burnt.

Nang matapos ang morning classes ko ay dumiretso ako sa Science Lab. I even made sure that the coast was clear. I couldn't afford to bring disaster to Namjoon. Kapag nahuli kami ay alam kong mapapahamak kaming pareho. But as much as it would affect me, I was more worried about Namjoon.

Ako na lang ang mahirapan, huwag lang siya.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto ng Science Lab ay wala akong nakitang tao sa loob. Bukas ang lahat ng ilaw at bukas din ang air-conditioner.

"Namjoon…" I uttered in a calling tone.

From the back of the door, someone pulled my arm and immediately pushed the door closed. I flinched as I felt my back being thrown on the flat door. Just like that, I saw the most gorgeous man my eyes had ever laid on.

Muling pinabilis ng mga singkit niyang mga mata ang tibok ng puso ko. My eyes landed on his smiling cherry full lips, catering the deepest his dimple could attain. He was so handsome. Ang bango niya ay nanunuot sa ilong ko.

"Namjoon!" masigla kong sabi bago ko siya dinamba ng yakap. I heard him chuckle as he put his arms around me.

He hugged me very tight as he whispered me glories. "I missed you. I missed you so damn much, Seane." Hinalikan niya ang gilid ng ulo ko.

That made my heart flutter even more.

Nang humiwalay ako sa kaniya ay hinawakan ko ang magkabilang pisngi niya sabay lapit ng mga labi ko sa ilong niya. "I missed you more," I said lovingly.

Dito sa Science Lab madalas kami magkita ni Namjoon. This room had become our love rendezvous. Nandito ang lahat ng mga ala-ala naming dalawa. Dito namin naipaparamdam ang pagmamahal namin sa isa't isa. Dito niya ako unang niyakap. Dito namin unang pinagsaluhan ang aming unang halik.

Dito sa Science Lab, malaya kaming dalawa.

As much as I wanted to show him to public, as much as I wanted to show everyone the only man I loved, I coudn't because I didn't own him.

That was one of the perks of loving Namjoon Kim. One of the hurtful perks.

We only had limited time for each other. Mahaba na ang kalahating oras na magkasama kami rito. Hinihiram ko lang siya kung kaya't kontento na ako sa kaunting oras na inilalaan niya para sa akin.

I would rather have it than not have anything at all.

But things wouldn't just go as you wish.

Sometimes, we had to make hard decisions that we didn't even want to consider. Sometimes, we would just have to choose what's best for the people we love. We would just have to resort on hurting ourselves for the better result.

"Namjoon, ayaw kong saktan mo si Maan, she's my friend but we can't also be like this forever. One of us should get lost," I honestly told him.

Ayaw kong isipin niyang nagiging selfish ako pero sana naiintindihan niya ang ibig kong sabihin. Tatlo kaming masasaktan kung magpapatuloy pa ito.

So one of it should end and like I said, I was ready to get hurt just to save him.

"Seane, are you asking me to choose between you and Maan?" he asked.

I sighed. "If that's what it takes just to remain this love alive," I answered.

Binitawan niya ang kamay kong hawak niya. From fluttering, my heart went sinking. I readied myself for a more tragic and painful strike.

I was not expecting him to choose me over Maan that had been his girlfriend for years, but I was hoping that he would consider starting a perfect relationship with me.

"Seane, okay naman tayo kahit ganito, 'di ba?" aniya sa nasasaktang tono.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at diretsong tumingin sa mga mata niya kahit na sobra-sobrang karayom na ang nakaturok sa dibdib ko.

This was a do or die battle. I knew in the end, I would be thrown away or kept.

"Ngayon, oo. But Namjoon, I can't see our relationship working for long. This love we have is near to dying. Kumbaga, life support na lang ang meron tayo. We both know that this love dies. This doesn't work for long 'cause you have legal relationship with Maan. And as long as you are keeping her along with our relationship, you know, we will have to end what we have…" I bit my lower lip just to stop myself from crying.

Saying those things was like adding more needles and salt to my burning bleeding heart. My throat was congesting and my eyes were watering. Letting him go and saving him were two entirely different things but both would hurt me, both would rip my heart, both would shed me tears and both would kill me multiple times.

"But Seane—"

I cut him off. "Then let me ask you just one thing," I said, trying to sound firm and brave when in fact deep inside me, I was afraid for his answer.

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. I could see from the way he acted that he already knew that this would come and he couldn't ignore this.

"Namjoon, just… just do you really love me?"

That was a direct strike to my heart.

"Of course, Hemersiana! I love you!" He groaned, frustratedly.

"Then do you love Maan, too?" I counterfeited.

Natahimik siya. He harshly combed his almost fading jade hair using the fingers of his right hand.

I'm sorry, Namjoon. I don't want to cause you difficulties like this but I have to. This is all for you. Kung hindi mo alam kung paano mo lalabasan ang gusot na pinasukan mo, then I will open a door for you. Kahit na ako na lang ang maiwang mag-isa, makalabas ka lang. Then I will be really happy.

I will open a scar just to heal yours.

"Sagutin mo ako, Namjoon. Mahal mo si M-Maan, 'di ba? You love her more than you love me. You want to keep her as long as you want to keep me—" I hiccupped while saying those painful truths.

"You see a brighter future with h-her than you see it with me. You're happier with her than you're with me—" I bit my lower lip tightly just to stop myself from sobbing hard.

"T-That's why you can't let her go. That's why you can't lose her and rather lose me. Namjoon, let's accept the reality. You love me but you love her more." Binitawan ko ang kamay niya para punasan ang mga luhang hindi niya magagawang punasan.

"I love you and I want to be with you. You want to keep me I know and I want it too. Pero mahihirapan lang tayo pareho, Namjoon. And above all, I know it will be painful for you to see Maan get hurt. So just watch me get hurt instead. I can afford it. We can't fight for this love that is really dying." Tumayo na ako at humarap sa kaniya.

And for the last time, I let myself shed tears for him. He deserved it. It was all his anyway. Siya lang siguro ang lalaking iiyakan ko ng ganito ng hindi nanghihinayang sa bawat butil ng luhang nailalabas ko.

So I cried… I cried in front of him. I cried because I just loved him so much. I cried because it wass so painful to end what we had. I cried because letting him go killed me. I cried because he was my sweetest downfall and now he was my painful downfall.

"Seane…" he uttered after of being silent for long and he tried to reach for my hand but I stepped backward.

Ayaw kong hawakan niya ako. Masyadong maliit lang ang lakas ng loob na ipinundar ko para rito at oras na hawakan niya ako, baka hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko at kumapit na naman ako sa relasyon naming walang kasiguraduhan.

"Si Maan, Namjoon. Masasaktan natin siya pareho. You don't want to hurt her just like I don't want to hurt you," pagpapaalala ko sakaniya kahit sobrang sakit na.

I had prepared myself for this. Pero masakit pala talaga lalo na at hindi niya itinatangging… mas mahal niya si Maan kaysa sa akin.

"But you're already hurting me," he whispered, eyes were now pooled with unshed tears.

"And I'm hurting more, Namjoon! Akala mo ba madali ang lahat ng ito para sa akin? Para kong pinapatay ng paulit-ulit ang sarili ko, Namjoon. If only I can save all the three of us or I can save the both of you and be the one hurting, I will do everything." Bumigay ang mga tuhod ko at sumalampak ako sa sahig.

My saved strength just got drained as my heart weakened. Ramdam na ramdam ko na ang aftermath ng lahat. I just couldn't feel anymore. Namanhid na siguro ang puso ko sa sobrang sakit.

"Seane, let's fix it. Give me time. Pareho kayong mahalaga ni Maan sa akin. I just can't lose any of you," he selfishly said.

Marahas kong pinunasan ang mga basa kong pisngi at pinanliitan siya ng mga mata.

"Let's just stop being selfish, Namjoon! Eto na nga oh, ako na nga ang nagpaparaya! Just choose the potential. At kayo ni Maan iyon. Just let me gone. Let me leave! Let me be the one hurting! Don't make everything complicated! Just let me go cause I'm already letting you go!" Just like that, muli na naman akong humikbi.

Napadausdos ako pababa. Bumagsak ako sa malamig at konkretong sahig ng Science Lab.

We really were both of a sinner. We were both complicated. Siguro nga, mahal niya kami pareho ni Maan, pero may mas matimbang pa rin.

Niyakap ko ang tuhod ko at umiyak ng umiyak. Crying in front of him comforted me. Kasi ang pag-iyak lang ang kaya kong gawin ngayon.

"Seane." I felt him go near me before I felt his arms gently scoop me up.

His heat immediately pampered me. Hinawakan ko ang polo ng uniform niya habang buhat-buhat niya ako at itinago ang mukha ko roon. I cried again.

"You can let me go, Seane but I won't let you go. I'll give you time and I'll have my time to think too. Pupuntahan kita kapag ready na ako and I hope, ready ka na rin. I love you, remember that."

Iniwan niya ako sa school infirmary. He must have known that I had my bleeding heart and I needed to be healed. Pero mali siya, clinic wasn't the place I needed. It was his heart, that I knew, I could never have.

Umuwi ako sa bahay ng Mama ko matapos ang lahat ng nangyari. I needed space. I needed time. I needed new environment. I needed change and that was all away from him.

I just had to give an absence slip to the school so they would let me. At habang busy ako sa paghihintay na maghilom ang sugat na ginawa ko sa puso ko, inabala ko rin ang sarili ko sa pag-pa-process ng mga school papers ko for transfer.

Dito sa Cebu ko ipagpapatuloy ang pag-aaral ko para makalimutan ko na ang lahat ng nangyari sa Manila.

I even deleted my active social accounts. I changed my number and only gave it to my one loyal best friend, Iris. Dahil na-gi-guilty ako na hindi ko nasabi sa kaniya ang lahat. I hid everything even from her. Binalaan ko rin siyang huwag na huwag ipamimigay ang number ko.

["Siyempre, lahat kami nagulat. They were like together for four years and then bigla silang mag&bi-break? Maan has never been stable after everything. Hindi na rin siya pumapasok kagaya mo at saka ni Namjoon. Nakaka-stress. Sabay-sabay pa talaga kayo ah!"] Maingay na pagkukuwento ni Iris sa akin.

I didn't want her updating that thing to me, pero ayaw ko namang maghinala siya. I had sinned to her and I didn't want to lie to her anymore. Just this one.

"Baka… baka naman cool-off lang," I answered, uncertain, afraid and frustrated.

No, Namjoon couldn't let Maan go. I did not let him go for that.

["Siyempre hindi ganoon, 'no! It was a painful break up dahil halos mabaliw na si Maan para lang balikan siya ni Namjoon. Hindi ko alam. Baka naman na-fall out of love na si Namjoon."] I could imagine her shrugging her shoulder.

"That's impossible. Namjoon loves Maan so much…" mahina kong sabi.

["Iyon nga e. Pero sabi nga nila… there's no perfect relationship. If it ends, then it does not perfect but we can testify that they are real. May mga instances lang talagang may napo-fall out at may nagsasawa. Sadly, they ended up leaving each other."] Lumabas na naman ang pagiging love expert ng isang to.

"E kamusta naman sa school?" pag-iiba ko ng topic.

I didn't want to hear any stories about Namjoon or Maan. Sariwa pa masyado ang sugat sa puso ko. Masakit pa ang lahat ng mga nangyari. I was still on that phase and I couldn't find a way out.

Just like what I did… I pushed Namjoon out so I was left being locked up.

Para bang kasama akong nailibing sa namatay na relasyon namin ni Namjoon. I couldn't breathe properly 'cause I'm was still in it. I couldn't smile freely 'cause I was still wounded. I couldn't live normally 'cause I died along with our love.

And I thought I deserved everything, I should suffer 'cause I was a sinner.

The End.
*
Property of Hannan Usman
All Rights Reserved 2018.

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