RANDOM SHOT: Sad

Published: March 3, 2021

- 2,043 words (i said oops, this song is making me want to write, lemme write some dialogues 💀 it's really brave of me to even think that I could write short oneshots 💀 im such a failure 🤦🏻‍♀️)
- A N G S T (im sad okay??? lany's mama's boys album always makes me an emotional mess 😭 seriously who hurt paul kline 🔪 go and give it a listen, then come back to me if you never cried each song because if so, you're some emotionless mf (sowwy ✌️) also, i cried so much when writing this 😭 because Jungkook is my baby 🥺 and I initially planned to make him the bad guy here but I couldn't really imagine it??? like he's such a baby i just want to bubble wrap him so yeah, change of plans! 🤭😊 please at least be honest if you've shed some tears bc i tried okay??? im not really good with angst hehe ✌️
- MISTAKES ARE MINE ☺️

before anything else, abiphanyyyy, hello bebe 🥺 diba I promised you a oneshot, I told you im gonna try writing a decent one for you, you actually let me think of the plot (idk why you trust me so much with plots 😭) i know this is angst, but really, while listening to the song, I really thought I needed to write and since I have an assignment from you, I chose you and jungkook for this one. I hope you like this poor excuse of an angst 🙏😭 thanks for supporting my stories 💕 i love youuuu 💓😭

just in case no one has told you yet, you're cute and valid 💕

- Hannan ♥

*

"So you cut your hair…" he softly said, voice careful that only if I didn't know him, I would think he was trying not to offend me or I don't know, maybe he was internally mocking me because why would I cut my hair? Oh he knew, of course.

I never cut my hair, even when we were still together, he knew how much I treasured my long hair. It was a part of me, it was like a representation of how whole I was. He often told me how he would never let me cut or dye my hair because he said I looked beautiful with it. He didn't lie about this one though…

I slightly shifted in my seat, a seat in between two of our friends— mostly mine as he just knew them because of me, careful not to show him how he was making me feel under his soft gaze. If there was one thing I would never want him to think in regards of me, was that he still had the most effect on me. Of course, I wouldn't go and say he didn't have anymore just because I was mad, I was tired of lying to myself.

The least I could do to not lose myself completely was to be honest with myself.

I had already done myself continuous damage when I let myself believe that he still loved me like he did before when he had already fallen out of love from me, he had done things to show he didn't love me anymore right in front of my eyes. I failed to protect myself from the painful heartbreak, from someone I would have never thought would hurt me, from him.

I didn't say anything back, I was afraid the moment I opened my mouth, everything that I had been keeping within myself would burst out and he would find out how he had reduced me to the most pathetic version of me. I didn't want his pity, or his mock.

He gaped his mouth at me, clearly waiting for my response and when he realized I didn't have any plan of wasting my time and energy to talk to him, he slightly leaned his back on the back rest, averting his eyes away from mine before looking down the table where a few bottles of beers with red party cups and finger foods were.

I was sure, like me, he was already under the influence of alcohol seeing one bottle of beer in front of him, almost empty. I was already in my fourth cup of beer. The others that were in the living room with us were having some hyped conversation to even realize how they were putting us in such an awkward situation.

Mostly him. Everyone in the party tonight was mostly my friends, when we were still together he would always go with me every time my friends would invite us to a party. We used to always have our own world at the corner of the stairs, forgetting everything and everyone in the room as we made out. We had always been that couple, which while everyone was having fun, we were both too busy to be bothered because we both loved each other's presence so much. Oh, that was before.

"Hm…" He squirmed on his seat, from leaning his back on the back rest, he leaned forward, placing his elbow on each of his spread legs before once again meeting my eyes with that soft gaze, his eyes, like always, held the most beautiful galaxies in them. One of the things I missed about him. The music wasn't that loud, as the party wasn't that wild, there was no neon lightings or people dancing around the room, so it wasn't impossible to hear his soft simple hum of breath. "You… you look happier than ever. I mean, at least happier than the last I saw you. I'm sure whoever you're with right now, he's treating you well—"

"Jeongguk." I firmly said, and I was so proud of myself for not choking or for not breaking a syllable. I was so damn proud because with all these raw emotions he was inflicting me again, I would think the only sound I could only make before him was a cry. Pathetic.

He stopped, his big doe eyes, almost innocent when I knew how well those eyes could lie, how well those eyes could pierce mine, broken and shattered. He once did…

"I don't… appreciate you talking to m-me like nothing happened. I would like very well to not associate myself with you anymore. That's what you wanted when you treated me the way you like—" I choked, my eyes watering instantly as the memories of the past weeks were still too vivid in my mind, the feelings he had forced me to go through were still sharp and painful in my heart. And I hated him for still having the face to stand right in front me, as if nothing had happened, as if he had never broken me.

"Gail, I… I don't know what to do anymore—" He looked panicked when he saw me start grabbing my bag from behind, preparing myself to leave. My friends seemed to be having fun so I didn't think they would notice that I was gone. I would just call them to inform them that I left already. "Abigail! Wait! Let's talk, please!"

When I stood up, few people from the table gave me a confused look that I just brushed away while some stared at Jeongguk. They weren't clueless about what had happened between Jeongguk and I, I also appreciated how they still invited both of us because it only showed how they didn't want what had happened to affect our friendship. Yes, they were initially my friends, but they had been Jeongguk's friends too. I was thankful that they never used what had happened to hate on Jeongguk. That last thing I wanted to happen was them blaming Jeongguk.

It wasn't like it was their relationship.

They let me leave, but not before letting me hear how their conversation switched to what had happened between Jeongguk and I. I even heard them coaxing Jeongguk to follow me. They were some friends…

I breathed deeply when finally, I got some fresh air from the outside. The streets were empty and dark, but I could still make out some cars parked on each lanes, none of them was mine as I just rode with Hannan and Jimin earlier on the way here. I softly brushed my hair back, sighing in defeat. I wanted to go home, I wanted to leave this place already because I didn't think I still wanted to see Jeongguk… not when he was again trying to break the walls I tried so hard to build to protect myself from him.

And how stupid. Just how stupid of him to even think that I would ever let any man to court me when I was still so damn in love with him, even after everything he had done to me. Just how stupid of him to think that I could even let other men touch me, or even near me when there wasn't anything I wanted but him, and his touches and kisses. I wasn't like him… I would never do what he had done one week from our breakup!

"Abigail."

I sucked in a deep breath, thankful for the night air for helping me retrieve my composure. It wasn't me who had fallen out of love so I didn't understand why he was here, acting like he wanted something from me. I slowly turned around, facing his messy appearance, black tight shirt that hugged his taut frame tucked under his tight black ripped jeans, his doe eyes looked tired and his messy black hair was in different directions. He looked like he wasn't being taken care of… he looked far from the well-taken care Jeongguk in my arms before.

He looked exactly like me when I still had him. He looked like me, when I was too messy because he was too busy to take care of me the way he should be.

"You know what I'll never forgive about you?" I said through broken voice, internally admitting to myself that I hated seeing him like this, that I would always open my arms to welcome him back whenever he wanted to, but not when he never asked me to, he never wanted me so he never asked for it. "You could've gone and be the better version of yourself without me, you could've gone and kiss whoever you want…" I almost chuckled in self-pity when I saw how his doe eyes widen in shock.

I had always had my eyes on him. He could be standing twenty feet from me and I would still have my eyes on him because I always wanted to watch after him, to always make sure he was fine though he never wanted me to. I always saw him. And I still couldn't take his image kissing someone in the kitchen earlier off my mind. It was like the image was carved in my mind, with a sole purpose of continuously breaking me.

It hurt, because he should be kissing me, not someone else.

"I just… I just did it to make you jealous—"

I raised my hand to stop him, firmly closing my eyes to show him that I wasn't asking for his explanation. It was not needed, it wasn't like it would take him back to me. Making me jealous was a success though, but not enough to make him want me back.

"Why do you look like this? Why do you look sad? Why do you look like you are so miserable when everything is your fault? This is everything you want, so why do you look like this?" I failed to hold back the sob that was sitting in my throat, it ripped through the silent atmosphere, my shoulders shaking as I showed him how vulnerable and broken he had reduced me in. I raised my hands to cover my face, my poor attempt of hiding how pathetic I looked from him.

"Because I want to make you sad, I'm so sad that it's unfair, it's my fault, yes, but the idea of not having you anymore is making me so fvcking sad. I want to make you sad, because it feels like I'll never get over you and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Tell me, what am I supposed to do?" He softly held my wrists but not to pull them away from my face, his fingers felt so firm and hard against my skin but they were shaking. His voice, though soft and broken, sounded desperate.

He wasn't the nicest person I had ever met, but it was fine, because he never had to be nice to anyone, for as long as he was nice to me. And this was so like him. That was why he needed someone to take care of him. He needed someone, and that had to be me.

I needed him to want me back.

"Take me back…" I muttered brokenly in between sobs, refusing to look at him in between my fingers because of how desperate I was for him. He didn't know what he was supposed to do? Then there, he should take me back.

He was silent for a minute that I was afraid I was asking him for too much, that he could give me everything but not take me back but he spoke again. "You'd want me to take you back…? Even after I hurt you…?" He sounded so confused and surprised at the same time so I slowly took my hands from my face, his fingers still held my wrists, didn't let me go even after I put them down.

His big doe eyes… his gaped lips… I missed him so much.

I sniffed. "Yes, because it's sadder without you…"

He blinked. "No, I'm the saddest without you." He took his other hand from my wrist to cup my face before he made it past my neck to slowly pull me closer, his other hand on my wrist also pulling me. He draped his arms around me as I clutched his shirt on his chest, letting myself finally break free from the cry I had been wanting to do. "I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for making you sad… I'm sorry for being selfish, because I still want you back," he said, planting a small kiss on my head.

Yes, what he did was painful, but it was more painful not having him, it was sadder without him beside me.