Tw: Eating disorder (ana/ednos), Innuendos (courtesy of Remus)

Guys I did it! I wrote a fic where Remus isn't in a toxic relationship!! 

Remy rubbed their eyes before looking at the time on their phone and realizing they had wasted an entire night scrolling through their phone again. It was already 9 am and too late to try and sleep. Remus was snoring peacefully next to them. He laid spread out like a starfish and the blanket had been thrown to the floor.

"Wake up babe" Remus felt a warm breath against his cheek and the pressure on the bed changing as someone moved closer to him. He slowly opened his eyes to peer up at Remy.

"5 m're minutes" He yawned out "Or just leave me to sleep forever"

"Not today" Remy shifted their position so they were sitting right next to him. They leaned down pressing a long kiss to his lips "Happy 4 year anniversary sweetheart"

"Heh that went fast"

"Now we just gotta keep going til next year, right?"

"Right!" He trailed his hand through the other's hair "Can't we just stay in bed all day, that would be a pretty dope anniversary"

"Nah sorry girl. We got like therapy and I gotta work at the coffe shop today so like we better get up"

Remus did puppy eyes "But tomorrow we'll do something right??? Like destroy trash cans? Or visit the aquarium? Or commit murder?"

"Aquarium 5 pm tomorrow, it's a date" Remy did fingerguns.

"Yay! But next year we murder someone"

"Yas girl definetly. question is who?"

Remus opened his notebook/sketchbook "According to my list of people I want to murder the most your dad is at number 1"

"Fuck yeah. Unless that son of a bitch has died of alcohol posioning we are so murdering him next year" They high fived.

Remus jumped down on the floor and fished around for something under the bed. He pulled out a stack of papers and handed the papers over to them.

"I made you a gift!" He exclaimed "I was thinking of making a collage of drawings I've made based of a bunch of pictures of us...but then I kinda forgot to make it a collage so you just get a bunch of drawings!"

Remy looked through them while smiling. The first drawing was of 14 year old them smiling at the camera. It was taken after they'd met in detention and then swiftly teamed up to break out of it. A mustache less Remus was hugging them while they took the picture though the bruises on their wrists that were there in the picture weren't in the drawing.

The second drawing was when they were 17 and stole Remus' parents car. They had driven to a cliff to watch the stars during new years eve. It had ended with the duke stuttering out a love confession. Remy laughed when they remembered that the car door had opened while they were kissing so they fell down onto the ground.

The third drawing was when they were 18 and moved into the apartement they live in now. Remus was carrying them over the doorstep while grinning. There were multiple other drawings too.

"Awww this is too sweet babe" Remy gushed before kissing him "I didn't get you anything cause being with me is a gift in of itself"

Remus nodded "Yeah that makes sense"

"Girl omg girl I was kidding" They took out a small black box "I got you green tentacle piercings since I know you've like wanted them for a while"

"FUCk yeah!" He flapped his hands around out of happiness "Thanks!!!"

The two of them cuddled for a while before Remy got up to start their day. The first thing they did every morning was go to the bathroom so they could body check in the mirror. Check how far up they could wrap their hand around their arm. Check if they had a thigh gap yet. Check how prominent their collar bones were. Check how many ribs they could count. Check. Check. Check.

It was a rule that no kind of scale was allowed into the apartement. Remy despised the rule but they didn't break it since they didn't want Roman to relapse and start weighing himself again. Instead they weighed themself when they were over at a friends house. They took a few deep breaths to not panic over their current weight being a mystery. Last time they checked they were 64 kg/140 lbs (they were 190 cm/6'2 feet). Ugh far too much.

They looked into the mirror and recalled all they had eaten the past days while binging. While they continued to stare into it they could swear on their reflection changing. They shook their head and left the room before the Remy on the other side of the glass could became their worst nightmare.

While Remy walked into the kitchen they bit on their blue painted nails out of nervosity. What if they'd gained? Several pounds even? They were so close to a thigh gap they couldn't ruin it now. They had to do better. They were in control over their urges. They had to be.

"I swear to Ethan Slater, dukey if you don't put any pants on right now I'll lock the deodorant away. Have some dignity" Roman sighed. He was standing by the kitchen counter making omelettes. 

It was such a familiar sight Remy couldn't help but relax.

"How dare you think I have any dignity" Remus replied. He flipped the bird as he walked out.

The prince grimaced back until his twin had left the room. "You want a omelette?" Roman asked.

"nah, I'll pass" Instead Remy filled a cup with coffee, no sugar, no milk. "I've been binging like crazy lately so I'm starting a new diet today" They announced with a fake enthusiastic voice while doing jazz hands.

Roman did monotone whooo noises in response.

"It's simple really. Basically I'll see how long I can go without food until I faint"

"Nope nope absolutely not" Roman abruptly looked up from the omelette as he said it "300 cal per day at least"

"30"

"200"

"50"

"100"

"Fine 100" Remy groaned.

"Good. I'm buying some vitamins on the way home so you don't destroy yourself too much. Anyway do you want an omelette using 2 egg whites? Only 32 cal"

"......Sure. But it betta be tasty girl"

Remus came back into the room. He was wearing a pair of shorts in an absolutely horrendous green color and nothing more "YE HappY???"

"The only times I'm happy is when you're not around" He joked in response while pointing the spatula dramatically.

"You can go choke on a cactus dick and die bitch!" Remus shot back.

"I would say you too but you sick bastard would probably enjoy it!"

And with that the mini sibling match ended and they stopped talking.

"Gals...does it look like I've gained weight or am I like delusional??" Remy asked while sipping on their coffee.

"Gaining a bit of weight would probably be optimal for you but no it doesn't look like it" Roman replied.

"Shut up with you and your forced healthy mindset" They stuck their tounge out at him.

"You look beautiful!!" Remus exclaimed "You're like the hottest flesh spawn in hell"

"How the fuck can you be so wholesome and cursed at the same time" They asked rhetorically.

He shrugged "Hey bro! Ask how pretty is spelled!"

Roman rolled his eyes before groaning out a "How's pretty spelled?"

"R-E-M-Y"

They let out a giggle before peppering their boyfriend's face with kisses "You're too sweet!!!"

The prince put down the omelettes on 3 different plates and set them by the kitchen table. He sat down before taking out his headphones and his phone. He put on a mukbang video and turned the volume up as loud as possible.

Not only did he have to keep his mind occupied while he ate or else he would start overthinking but the mukbang was also good since then he felt like he wasn't eating that much compared to the person the screen. When he was starving himself he used to spend at least 2 hours every day watching shows like 'supersize vs super skinny' or 'biggest loser' to motivate him to keep losing weight and to ignore the growling of hunger in his stomach but nowadays he only watched mukbangs to help.

Mealtime was one of the few times Remus wasn't babbling. Not because he was bothered by eating, his intrusive thoughts started to attack him after he'd eaten. He was quiet because the other two were like atomic bombs during this time. One wrong word and they could explode into anger or defensiveness or sadness.

The duke shuffled down his omelettes before looking around in the cupboards after more. His appetite never seemed to end now a days. It was like a black hole inside of him. Usually he binged and then he purged it all up but he hadn't purged in a month (!) so all he did was eat and eat and eat but the hole inside of him was never filled. Years of purging had left his body forever unsatisfied.

"I know it's calories! They're good for me so SHUT UP!" Roman suddenly yelled which made the other two jump.

"Girl you good?" Remy asked while taking off their sunglasses to have eye contact.

"Loud thoughts, bad day" He muttered out "They keep pointing out that there's calories in the food as if i didn't know that and I just ugh. I'm going to blast heathers until I can't hear my own thoughts"

Remy reached their hand out and patted his shoulder. He sent a grateful look before forcing another bite of the omelette down.

45 minutes later the car Roman was driving stopped outside the clinic where they had their therapy sessions. Remus and Remy got out while the prince drove away to find a good parking spot.

"I'm gonna run ahead and see if Jan's here. I haven't seen him the entire week!!!!" Remus said before sprinting to the building.

Remy lowered their sunglasses as they set their eyes on their target who was walking over the pavement.

"Sup girl" They said to Virgil while swinging their arm around his shoulder.

"Hi"

Nothing more was said as they walked. The silence was pressing in on Virgil. Was it just him or was this extremely awkward. He glanced over at Remy but they seemed fine. He was dying. He had to say something. His brain was empty. His brain was never empty. oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

"I SUspEct Remus is cheating on you" He suddenly threw out immediately regretting it and sinking further down into his hoodie. Remy sunk their sunglasses down so they had eye contact and rose their eyebrow as if to ask what "I mean I uh I saw him ehm kiss uh Janus"

"I sure hope he did" They laughed before rolling their eyes.

"What?"

"Honey poly couple exists. Remus is both together with me and JanJan but me and JanJan aren't together. He's a lovely friend tho"

"Oh....IAMSOSORRY" Virgil died on the outside out of shame.

"It's okay girl, people have said worse. Like omg you can't believe how many times I've had to say that no JanJan isn't just someone we brought in to spice things up. Like gurl just cause I've been with Rere for 4 years while he's been around for like a year doesn't mean he's like a lesser partner. AND he's ace so like that angle doesn't work either. He like hates people seeing him in that way which is a mood if you like turn it around and make it so you have to be touched to feel validated or else you'll literally like die"

"You talk really fast do you know that? I think I registrated like 5% of that"

Remy laughed "Ah you tickle me emo"

They walked into the warmed up building. A few meters away was Janus with a Remus pulling him into a hug while loudly babbling about something.

"-And y'know I'm just emotional cause I have the most handsomness boyfriend ever!!" Remus concluded his rant.

"Handsomnes isn't a word" Janus muttered.

"You're the smartest too!!!" He fake cried out while shaking him so harshly he was practically headbanging.

He leaned against Janus' shirt. It was made of silk but not the kind of silk which made Remus' skin crawl. The duke had quite a small wardrobe since he was sensitive towards fabric texture. And also the texture of sound and the texture of food (Fuck soggy potatoes). He didn't understand when other people weren't bothered by textures.

"Sup babes" Remy greeted while Virgil did a peace sign as hello.

Janus immediatly took a step away from Remus and crossed his arms.

"Girl there's tots no reason to do that cause I've already like told Viv bout our relationship"

"You what?" Jan's eyes seemed to lit up with fire "You know I don't like people I don't know knowing about our relationship. I've already been harassed enough about...everything about me"

"Ehm i'm gay and open minded so there's nothing to worry about" Virgil cut in.

Janus's shoulders stopped being tense and he reached out and took Remus' hand again "Okay good....But ask me next time okay"

"Yeah okay girl whatever" They continued on into the therapy room so they could annoy Picani.

Remus shook his boyfriend's shoulders while his eyes widened "I just realized what my spirit animal would be!"

"An octopus to match my slithery snake?" Jan guessed.

"A cock!!"

Janus let out a long sigh "I really should have seen that coming" He muttered while pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Jan Jan hey hey you should" He began to wheeze "You should see me coming instead" 

He died of laughter at his own joke while Janus simply rolled his eyes while keeping the rest of his expression stone cold.

"Who the fuck gave me the right to be the funniest person on earth" Remus wheezed out.

"If you're the funniest person on earth we are living on different earths"

"Aww my lil grumpy snakey" He leaned down and tried to kiss him to which he got hissing in response.

-

The therapy session was one of the more heavy ones. They went around in a circle and said one meal they'd eaten in the last three days followed by 2 reasons why eating that was good.

"I made some chicken strips and cus-cus the other night and I even had a tiny bit of sauce with it. Sauce is great! I haven't eaten any in years" Roman began "I guess it was good since....it gave me energy so I could hold my theater lesson...and it tasted good"

He looked over to Picani as if to see if those were good enough reasons "Seeing food as a source of energy instead of a set back is great progress" The therapist said with a kind smile.

"Yeah" He sighed while rubbing the back of his head "It just feels like after my first year of ehm...starving the disorder was more me than me? If that makes sense. It was like since my body didn't have any energy to feed on it feeded on my personality instead. But now when I'm eating normally again my personality is coming back....and I think I like the person I'd forgotten I was"

After the therapy session had ended Patton went around and asked if they wanted to do something like usual and Janus said no like usual. He'd taken a step out into the hallway when he felt a weight keeping him stagnant.

"Nuuuuu don't leave" Remus cried out laying down on the floor and grabbing onto Janus' ankles so he was stuck.

"jeez you're heavy" He complained while trying to shake him off.

Remus let go and stayed sitting on the floor. He stared down at his hands with wide eyes as his thoughts became as sharp as a lion's fangs. Your boyfriend thinks you're heavy. Your boyfriend thinks you're fat. Your boyfriend thinks you're disgusting. Your boyfriend thinks you need to change. Your boyfriend hates you and your horrible weight.

"Hey Remus you okay?" A distant voice asked. He didn't know when he had closed his eyes or when he'd covered his ears with his hands.

You don't deserve to live when you look like that. You don't deserve to live when you look like that. You don't deserve to live when you look like that.

"Can you hear me?"

Where are the sharp objects?? How much weight could you lose if you cut open your veins and let all of your blood flo-

"Remus please listen to my voice" Finally the words found him. He opened his eye slightly looking at Janus who was hunched down in front of him "Are you here or are you still somewhere else?"

"Here" He forced out "Intrusive thoughts bad....really bad"

"I'm sorry, I didn't think. Is it alright if I touch you?" Remus nodded. Jan pressed a kiss to his forhead before hugging him "I didn't mean it. I love you okay, focus on that"

"Love you too"

"How about going over to my place?" Jan suggested "We can cuddle and watch one of those true crime documentaries you like"

Remus perked up into a small smile "Can we watch the one where the guy heads explode?? Can I infodump as much as I want?"

"Yes and yes" Janus stood up and reached out his hand to help his boyfriend up.

"And can I snuggle mr.Slithers?" It was a long plush snake.

"Sure"

"And can I snuggle you?" By now Remus was fully smiling.

"Definitely"

It's summer break and I have a lot of time so I decided to draw how the dudes look in this au so I'm just gonna drop this drawing of Remy here