Tw: Eating disorder(BED), binging, throwing up

Patton had a big giddy grin on his lips. Lev, his wonderful boyfriend of 8 months now had taken him out on a surprise dinner at a quite fancy italian resturant.

The were sitting around a small table with a nice red cloth and lit candles on it. They'd ordered garlic bread as a starter and then Patton had taken a meatball pizza while Levi took some sort of weird pinapple pasta.

"I saw in the newspaper that there's a carnival coming to town soon!!" Patton exclaimed "We can go there right?? OoooOOOOooHhhh we can ride the boat of loooooove"

Pat hid his mouth behind his hand while giggling. lev looked down into the table, his lips were pressed together into a thin line and his eyes were small and filled with stress.

"Love....I think I have to tell you something" Lev said it slowly as if he was searching for the right words to use while saying it.

"Uhu?"

"Soooo you know my friend Brendon right?"

"The one with the cute puppy! And big forhead! Ah are you wondering if he can come with? Of course he can! Then I can bring one of my kiddos!! Maybe Virgil or" He began to ramble about his kiddos since he loved them all so much once he got started he had a hard time stopping.

Lev leaned his chin on his hand and looked at him with a relaxed smile while his eyes still had a melancholic look in them. He wished he could hear Pat talk about his kiddos and cookie recipes and cute cartoons forever. He wished that same smile would stay on Patton's lips forever.

"It's cute how you talk about them as if they actually were your kiddos" Lev chuckled out.

"Well....." Patton fiddled with the red cloth on the table "Most of my kiddos, like all of them expect 1 don't have a good relationship with their real dad... So I'm kinda I dunno trying to let them actually have a good dad. Whenever one of them talks to me about something you'd usually talk to a dad about like I dunno emotional problems or how to change a tire I just get so happy because it feels like I'm actually making their life better just by being there"

"Honey you are the sweetest ever. I love you"

"I love you too!!" Patton leaned forward and kissed him "So I think if you bring Brendon I can ask Roman to come with. I think he'd like a carnival"

"Well actually" Lev began and now he knew there was no turning back "Me and Brendon...we've....we've been dating for 2 months"

Patton stopped in the middle of a motion out of pure shock. His brain tried to make sense of how they could have been dating for 2 months if he and Lev had been together for 8 months.

"I don't want to call it cheating" Lev continued "Since I really do love both of you. It's just....Brendon makes me feel so...so....good. It's just a whole other thing than what we have"

It felt like Patton's entire world was being torn apart like a house falling over in a hurricane. All the times Lev had been busy with something and not had time to meet Patton, had he been with Brendon instead? When they kissed had Lev imagined Brendon instead? When they'd talked had it been boring? Had he wished to be with Brendon instead?

"We can still be friends right?"

Patton looked up. He noticed the way Lev looked happier than he'd looked...in ever. It was so obvious Brendon was making him happier. Who was Patton to take that away. Especially when he loved him so much all he wanted was for him to be happy.

"Of course" Patton replied with a fake smile.

He stood up and gave his now ex-boyfriend a big bear hug. He leaned close to rub Lev's smell into his clothes, to remember how being with him felt, to get one last look at all the smallest details of him when they were still this close.

"Hey maybe we can still go to that carnival but as friends instead? I can bring Brendon, you can bring Roman" He suggested when they finally parted.

"Yeah...maybe" He lied "Well I should go. I still have an animal to take care of at home even though my biggest animal now have left I guess"

Lev laughed and Patton wished he could record that laugh and keep it with him forever "Say hi from Buster to me" 

"I will" He waved before leaving the resturant.

The world was stuck in slowmotion as Patton took 1...2...3 steps out onto the pavement. He glanced around for his car. He ran to it. He slumped down in the seat and gripped onto the wheel. He breathed in and out. Slow breaths. He was going to drive home and hug Buster and everything would be fine.

Nothing was fine.

Nothing in the entire world was fucking fine.

His world had been torn down and mangled and left destroyed and he was just supposed to put on a happy smile and accept it? Was he just supposed to start rebulding and repainting every inch of the world he'd worked so hard to make? 

No.

Patton leaned his head against the steering wheel as the first sob left his mouth. He cried and wailed and it was ugly. It was the kind of ugly crying where he leaned down so he was hidden from the window because he didn't want anyone to walk by and see him. It was ugly and loud and exhausting and vulnerable and it would leave him a headache once he was done.

It took 20 minutes of sobbing until he was somewhat composed. Composed enough to be able to see through the tears still lingering. Composed enough to turn the key and start the car.

The drive felt like a dream. Like his mind was stuck processing what had happened. Lev wasn't his anymore. He was single. Alone. Replaceable. Unloveable.

He wiped tears away and continued on until he saw the familiar sight of the tall looming grey apartement building he lived in. He took the elevator 3 floors up like usual. He dragged out his key and unlocked the door like usual. Buster, his ever so loyal golden-retriever ran up and greeted him with a waging tail like usual.

But nothing was usual. Not anymore. Lev wasn't there and he never would be again. 

"Heeeey good girl big fluffy good girl. Yes yes papa is home now" Patton said in a baby voice while petting Buster "....But your other papa will never return again..."

He let out a long sigh. He gave one last pet to his dog before standing up. He went out into the kitchen. He opened every drawer and the door to the fridge. He stared into them with big empty eyes. As empty as the dark hole in his chest. He had to fill it with something. If he couldn't fill with love...

Well bad coping mechanism always worked didn't they.

It started with a bowl of his favorite cereal (cornflakes). Then 3 slices of white bread. Then all the energy bars he had. At this point he was begging himself to stop but his body wouldn't listen, it just continued to eat and eat. Then he put on a pot of pasta while eating all his chocolate. All the candy had been finished by the time the pasta was done. It felt like he was going to puke as he forced the pasta into him. Actually he did feel vomit coming up into his throat but he forced it down.

Just like he forced down another bowl of cereal. His stomach hurt. By now he must have eaten enough to gain weight. He'd finally been able to lose a few pounds this month by taking long walks with Buster. One of his hand searched for something quick and edible in the fridge while another was busy putting more and more food in his mouth.

He wasn't even enjoying the food. He was just putting it in because he didn't have a choice. It was like an addiction. He was just shoving more and more in in hopes of finding some kind of high. He wasn't in control anymore. His stupid stupid stupid binge-eating-disorder was.

It didn't end until there was literally no food left. Or well there were but they were all frozen food or food that had to be cooked before being eaten and binging was a heat of the moment thing, not something that he slowly cooked up. It was good since a bit of vomit had dripped down his chin as he forced another sandwich down and he didn't want to continue until he'd fully vomited again.

Instead Patton forced himself to go into his bedroom and collapse onto the bed. Buster jumped up into the bed and excitedly licked his face. He gave her a small smile and gave her a few pets. It'd been a bad binge. A really really bad one. He usually didn't lose this much control nor did he usually eat this much.

He clutched his stomach and winced. It hurt. He knew it would hurt tomorrow as well. He hated this. He hated his disorder. He hated himself and his nonexistent self control.

On his white board was the words 'Days without a binge: 12' which was his new recoord. It was staring him in the face like a sick joke. He didn't want to go up and change it. He wanted to stay in bed until his skin had rotten into a part of the matress.

He wanted Remy to hug him and ramble about gossip to distract him. He wanted Roman to put on a disney marathon and pull him into a cuddle pile. He wanted Janus to pat him on the back while lying over and over that everything was alright. He wanted Remus to try and cheer him up in his own weird way with his bloody and grotesque facts. He wanted Virgil to lay down on the floor next to him and share ear buds with him and drown out all the bad things in the world with loud music.

But he didn't want his kiddos to see him like this.

So it was good that he at least had 1 friend who wasn't his kiddo. He took his phone out and it went 4 signals before he picked up.

"I thought you were on a date" Logan said immediatly. His tone was monotone.

"I will have to go on a massive grocery trip tomorrow" Patton whined out as a reply.

There came a sigh "You should start calling me before the binge not after it. I could have tried to stop you"

"I know" A sob left him "Lev broke up with me"

"Oh....." Emotions weren't Logan's strong suit "....Would you react positivly to me coming over?"

"Please" He cried out.

Logan ended the call without even saying goodbye. Patton stared up at the ceiling for half an hour until he heard a click from the front door. (Lo had gotten a key to his apartement as soon as he moved in). He listened in as his friend silently made his way through the kitchen. Patton didn't think he was meaning to be quiet but with his weight his footsteps weren't that loud anymore.

"This is a lot of garbage to throw away" Lo voiced his obvious observation as he looked at the empty cereal boxes and candy wraps and so on "This is a lot of calories" He was quiet for a while as he counted up exactly how many calories "This a is a Lot of calories"

"I know. That's why I need huggies right now!"

Logan poked in through the bedroom door. Buster ran up and happily bounced around his legs as he did his best to walk over to the bed. She laid her head in his lap as he sat down. Patton wrapped his arms around his waist (which he swears had somehow gotten tinier) and hugged him.

"Me and Lev broke up" He sniffled out even though he'd already said it. Every time he said it felt more real. He couldn't stop saying it "He's being seeing another man for 2 months"

To his surprise Logan smiled "Good"

"Good?" Patton asked with a confused look.

"Indeed....if he is such a dirty little bitch it is good that you have broken up since you deserve better"

He let out a short chuckle "Aww Logie-bogie that's so sweet of you....Maybe you're right...but don't call him bad names...please...I love him...I want the best for him"

"Of course I am right. I am never wrong. That is simply a fact of life"

"Indeed" He laughed which turned into more crying "Easily top 5 worst days of my life right here" He tried to joke through the tears.

"True. Lev and binging. What a" He took out one of his vocab cards "Bitching combo" He looked at him and put on an overly gentle voice "Hey how about you listen to one of those people who intrude on our personal business with annoying questions" He fake coughed "Have you ever tried a diet?"

Patton laughed "Have you ever tried to just eat? You could get seriosly ill if you don't eat!!!" He replied in an overly concerned voice.

"Why aren't you eating? Omg are you anorexic? Why are you doing this to yourself? It's not a big deal to eat!" He tried to hide his smile.

"You have such a pretty face" He dragged in his chubby cheeks "Just eat a little bit less"

"Have you eaten today? You should eat!!" Logan placed his hands over his heart fully pretending to be various annoying bitches who'd asked him irritating questions.

Patton burts out into laughter "No one has ever told me that. No one has ever told me to eat. Oh imagine that"

For a moment they both were laughing uncontrollable. For a moment Patton wasn't even thinking about Lev and how he was gone. 

"But you should eat" He chuckled out once the laughter began to die down.

"That must be the single biggest surprise of my entire life" Logan replied sarcastically "So what would the situation that has the higgest percentage to make this day at least end somewhat good be?"

"Having all my kiddos here of course" He replied absentmindledly.

Logan immediatly took out his phone and quickly sent a few messages as Patton's eyes went wide and panicked.

"No! No! I didn't mean it literally! Oh god no they can't see me like this! I'm not being some pappy Patton. I'm a mess I-I-I need to clean oh the kitchen it's horrible I-"

He placed his hand calmly on Patton's shoulder "It's okay. If you can see their ugly sides they can see yours. They won't judge. Trust me I know that for a fact and I am as I said never wrong"

Patton slowly nodded.

"So would you like to tell me exactly how your encounter with Lev went so I have enough knowledge to accuratly comfort you?"

Once he began talking he couldn't stop. It ran out of him like water in an tsunami. Which accuratly describes the storm of emotions in his heart. His bruised, shattered, utterly mangled heart. Once the entire day had been told he got quiet. He fiddled the with the sleeved of his cat hoodie.

"It'll be okay" Was the only answer Logan gave him.

But it was Logan who said it. So it was true. It was right. Things would be okay. Eventually. But eventually was always better than never.

A knock on the door interupted their moment. Patton stood up to go and open. It felt like he was going to puke from everything in his stomach rumbling around. But he continued on and Logan followed closely behind him, just like Buster.

The moment he open the door loud chatter erupted from the people who'd been waiting on the other side. Which happened to be Roman, Remus and Remy. They greeted and ranted and there were probably some worried questions in there since suddenly gettin called to his apartement with the only infromation being given from logan being 'Lev caused Patton emotional distress. He is crying. Help' was unusual to say the least.

"What happened??" Roman asked in the muddle of questions.

Patton felt like he'd been caught red handed. Like he was a deer staring at the quickly incoming lights from a car.

"He broke up with me......he'd been dating another guy for 2 months now" He had to force himself to say it.

It was quiet for just a second or two and then the three kiddos all loudly started to talk.

"Padre I am going to get my katana and then I will split him in two!"

"That's cheating!!! I'll fucking abolish him!! I'll twist his nipples so hard I drag them off, and then I'll shove them down his throat so he chokes to death!!!"

"Girl don't worry, I can like tots get you some contacts. You'll have a much better man in no time trust me"

"......Thanks" Patton wasn't sure what else to answer.

"No prob. As a prince of love I had suspected something like this heartbreak had befallen so I after many years of learning how to act after a heartbreak through romcoms brought ice cream" Roman held up the box of strawberry ice cream with a confident smile.

Seeing the food was the thing that made it all too much. Patton ran over to the sink and threw up.

There was a burning feeling of acid left in his throat once he was done. He stared down into the sink. His skin burned with shame as he turned the water on and let the evidence of his binge, his failure, his weakness disapear down the drain.

He felt someone pat his back. It was Logan. Patton sent him a small smile as thanks. When he turned around he saw Remy sit down with their back against the wall on the opposite side of the room. Remus had curled up against their chest. They had their arms wrapped around him as he quietly mumbled incromphinsemble words. Roman sat beside them visibly unsure of what to do.

Oh right. Vomit was a trigger to Remus. It made his intrusive thoughts get so loud all he could do was sit still and wait until it would past. It was an internal battle with everything inside him screaming at him to PurgePurgePurgePurgePurge.

Oh right. Patton was a bad friend for forgetting that. For not stopping himself. Everything was his fault.

"Kiddo I'm sorry I didn't- sorry I just I binged and I wasn't-" He babbled out while hurrying over to him.

Remus didn't look at him. His eyes were closed and he was gripping onto Remy's shirt "No- Don't want- they- no- bad idea- it hurts- no" He mumbled to himself or more specifically to his intrusive thoughts.

"He'll be fine" Remy assured while patting their boyfriend's head "I won't let him go and hurt himself. He just needs time"

 Patton was about to offer a blanket or something else comforting but the front door opening interupted them. Janus had a tired look in his eyes as he walked in with his usual classy posture. Only difference being that he was holding a knife.

"I heard that a certain insect to the human race hurt my dad" Jan muttered while waving the knife around "I can kill him for you"

"No killing! I'm happy for him being happy I promise!" Patton assured.

"I come the whole way here and I don't even get to commit murder? Waste of time" He muttered with a disapointed tone while crossing his arms.

He was about to throw the knife so that it stuck to the wall when he saw the state Remus was in. He gripped onto the knife.

"Did Lev hurt my Remus too??? What did he do? Give me his adress! I'M going to find him and stab him over and over and kick him down a flight of stai-"

"Girl chill, the stupid thoughts are just messing with him"

Janus frowned but nodded. He sat down and handed the knife over to Remus since he knew it'd cheer him up. The duke grabbed onto the knife but also Jan. As if he was his own personal teddy bear he hugged him tightly.

They all talked and comforted Patton (his hug meter was almost fullfilled). They moved over to the couch and put on some cute kids movie to cheer him up. Roman suggested they'd all have a sleepover (they knew they couldn't leave their dad alone when he was feeling like this) and everyone agreed to it.

Last to come was Virgil since he'd been busy at work. Patton was the one to open the door. Unlike anyone else Virgil didn't say anything. He simply took a step forward and pulled the older man into a hug.

Once they parted Virgil sent him the type of smile where only half of his lip turned upwards. He gently placed his hand on Patton's shoulder.

"This isn't the end of the world"

Virgil went over to the rest of the group and sat down inbetween Roman and Logan. Patton watched on for a moment. Watched as Lo told the emo about some conspicary theory he'd seen and it enrupted into one of their many discussions about cryptids and stars and fiction that could be facts. Watched as Janus couldn't help but join in on the conversation. Watched as Remus blurted out something about horrorfying creatures and monsterfuckers as he was able to tear himself away from listening to his intrusive thoughts for a moment.

And yeah it wasn't the end of the world. This day wasn't the last in Patton's life and now he was sure of that.

Because his kiddos were here. They would stay here. When he woke up tomorrow, woke up on the next day of his life they would still be there and he would still exist even if Lev didn't exist along with him.

Patton sat down in his spot in the middle of the couch. His kiddos surronded him. Some laughed and joked and bitched about the movie. Some cuddled up close to their pappy Patton and hugged him when he started to cry again. Logan took his hand.

The world didn't end that day.