Remy and Logan are both part of the I-feel-guilty-for-my-mother's-death club

(Also I'm sorry I've been wanting to write this fic for quite a while but now when I'm writing it feels so bad and boring and I'm sorry and I'm so anxious about it being shit)

"So are you all excited to spend Christmas with your families or what?" Virgil asked while blowing on the hot cup of choco in his hands.

The group had just finished their last therapy session of the year and were now sitting at a cafe. The question made a tension filled silence take over. Remy decided to break it.

"Nope! I haven't seen my biological dad in over 6 years and I'm not planning to like change that now. Tho I wouldn't mind spending it with like my new dad aka Patton"

"Aww kiddo I would love to spend it with you too!!" He replied with a smile "I'm not spending it with my parents this year. I usually do but I don't have the energy to pretend to be straight for several hours right now. I mean my parents are great aside from the whole being bigots thing, I just don't have the energy"

Patton fiddled with his hands. He'd planned to spend this holiday with Lev but since they'd broken up he'd instead planned to be all alone and binge and cry while hugging his plushies.

"I think I'm going to see my padres" Roman mumbled while picking at his red bracelet.

'No you're not' Remus wrote into his text to speech app 'Those bastards don't deserve you. I'm gonna chain you to the wall if that what it takes to stop you'

He'd been drifting between being verbal and nonverbal ever since Remy's suicide attempt. He didn't handle the prospect of death well (seemed to be in the genes since neither did Ro). Every time his partner wasn't with him he went nonverbal and began panicking about them hurting themself. Right now they were sitting in his lap and sipping on coffee so he was calm.
He'd lied and said he was going nonverbal because of bad sensory problems to not make Remy feel guilty.

Janus banged his forhead into the table while groaning "I don't think I have a choice. I mean we celebrate kwanzaa not Christmas but my parents are going to force me to eat and I'm not even sure if I can convince them to let Remus come over on like the big feast day"

'I will crash in through a window if I have to' The duke patted his shoulder.

Logan leaned over to Virgil and said "Glad to see someone else is in the actually having good parents club. My father is wonderful but I've already planned to only spend new years ever with him and Patton so I have no plans for Christmas"

"Oooohh I'm gonna make firework cookies! I hope he likes them" Patton exclaimed

"Alright that's it you sad bitches" Virgil stood up and announced with a loud voice "You are all invited to come and celebrate Christmas with me!"

--

It was 3 pm on the 25th December (Since apparently Americans are weird and celebrate it on the 25th) and Virgil was desperatly trying to fix his purple hair fluff so it looked straight and moody like he liked it. 

"Look at my lil boy all grown up with all his friends" Dot (his mom) cooed while patting his shoulder.

"Yeah exactly they're my first and only friends so please don't embarass me" He replied.

"Embarrasing you is Larry's job"

"Right. Ehm mom I've forgot to say but if these guys maybe don't eat that much or at all please don't take that as an insult to your cooking, I know it'll taste great but these guys..and Remy are from the eating disorder thing I told you about and most of them don't have BED like I probably do"

Dot got a determined look on her face "Ah I see. Even if they have trouble I'll make sure this'll be the greatest Christmas ever!!" A supportive Yeah! from Larry came from somewhere in the house.

Someone knocking on the door interupted the conversation. Virgil quickly hurried over and opened it. Within a second he'd been encapsulated in a tight hug from Patton.

"Merry Christmas kiddo!!!" 

"Right back at you dad" He replied while squirming to get free.

Everyone arrived one after another until the living room was filled with chatter. Patton and Larry had eyed one another before recognizing each other's dad energy so they were now talking about true value deals and other dad stuff. While Roman, Dot and Logan were discussing recipes since they all enjoyed cooking.

Remus had noticed the mistle toe hanging above the entrance to the living room so he'd not so subtly shoved Janus to it so he could pepper him with kisses while the snake hissed and scracthed at him but like in an affectionate way.

Remy looked at the eggnogging (280 cal) they'd all been given as a starting drink. They looked around for the nearest plant they could dump it and the calories out into. Usually they would have dumped it into the small plastic bag they always had in their pocket but right now they had a red christmassy skirt on with 0 pockets.

Usually they only ever dressed in male clothing since back when they'd just come out and did wear skirts in public people weren't good at hiding their laughter. Also their percentage of being harrased or hurt shot up like a dick in a sauna if they were visibly trans. But since they were with their friends they were comfortable enough to dress up a lil extra for Christmas.

"You good?" Virgil asked when he noticed how they kept fidgeting.

"Girl get this devil creature from me" They replied while handing him the eggnog. Viv gratefully began drinking from it "I'm kinda like nervous one of your parents will tell me to go change clothes"

"Trust me they don't mind" He showed off his black painted nails "Being emo is flamboyant as fuck. They've never said anything about my make up or bracelets. Also there is not a lot of emo clothes for chubby people like me so sometimes I've had to buy woman shirts because everything else was made for skinny people like you"

"HoOooney I'm serving that underweight look girl. One foot in a grave another in a pink rollerskate honey" Janus and Remus would be grumpy at them if they heard them joke about death "Heh the one time my dad caught me trying on my mom's skirts he yelled at me for like a whhhiilleee" They'd started to cry but that's fine (,:

"Fuck him" He slurped on the eggnog "No homo but you look great in a skirt"

"All homo thank you"

"Vivi dinner is ready" Dot said with a smile.

"Thanks mom" He replied while standing up.

The dining table had been stretched out and all the chairs in the house had been used so everyone could sit around it but it worked, even if it was very cramped. Dot and Larry had cooked up a smorgasbord of food. Eggs, salmon, potatoes, ham, mini sausages, herring. Everything one would need for Christmas.

Janus immediatly stole the egg basket and literally hissed at anyone who tried to take it from him. Egg whites (17 cal) was one of his few safe foods and the only thing he planned to eat....he eventually gave a few too Logan though.

Roman stared at the food on his plate. He didn't have his mukbang videos to distract him like usual. Maybe he should just not eat? Could he? Should he? It felt like an entire flood of worry was crawling up his throat.

Without realizing it he'd started bodychecking. His hand was going across his potruding collarbones. In the next second they were wrapped around the middle of his thigh, pressing down so hard his thumbs would leave bruises. One hand wrapped around his wrist wandering up his arm.

He was still talking and chatting like usual. The mood around the table was nice and cozy. Logan and Virgil were discussing conspiracy theories while Remus was ranting about every way a murderer could sneak into the house at this very moment to Larry, Remy and Dot. Even though Christmas, specifically Christmas dinner was literal hell for people with eating disorders being with people who understood helped.

Roman leaned over to patton and whispered "Padre?"

"Yeah kiddo?"

He held out his hand under the table and Patton took it. He ran his thumb in a circle over his skin. It was wordless but comforting.

Roman cut off a piece of salmon and put it in his mouth. It felt like it grew and grew like a burden on his consciousness. He glanced over at his napkin. Myabe he could chew and spit his way through the dinner.

"Kiddo, no matter how much or how little you eat no one in this room will judge and I doubt they will even notice. No matter what you will stay the bravest bestest knight I've ever known you hear me?" Patton assured in a sweet voice.

He nodded "Thanks padre"

"No problemo kiddo"

Roman managed to swallow the piece of salmon. And he mustered up the energy to eat more until almost half his plate was empty. To someone else eating without a distraction was probably nothing but to Roman it was a victory.

While that happened Janus reached his hand out and pinched the inner part of Remus' thigh to get his attention.

"Ohohoh getting handsy you lil exhibitionist" The duke teased while grinnning at him.

"Would you rather I had stabbed you through the hand with my knife to get your attention" Jan muttered in a dry tone.

"I would actually, think of how cool that would have been!!"

"I know right! And then when everyone is staring in horror at me I could force you to stand up and keep the knife pressed against your neck while saying  my evil speech!" 

"Yeah!! I could try to get away and stab you in the leg with the knife before pushing you out the window!" Remus replied.

"Wait we're getting off topic. What I was going to say is that you better not overeat just to show that you're grateful for the free food. We both know how easy you binging leads to purging and you better not purge in someone elses house"

"Yeah yeah I know but I can keep it under control kay" the mini mountain of food on his plate was a stark contrast to the few egg whites on the other man's plate.

"It's better to undereat slightly and not purge than overeat and purge kay. And even if we're guests here the normal rules still apply, no leaving the same room as I until 30 minutes after the last bite" After 30 minutes the body had absorbed all the calories so there was no reason to purge.

"Hey why do I still have to followe these rules but when I tell you to manage a few more bites of food you bite me instead" Remus complained.

"Cause I've never been physically affected by my super healthy diet while you've passed out and vomited up blood" Janus replied not even knowing he was lying when he referred to his starving as super healthy.

Remus grabbed his wrist "You're cold. You get dizzy when you stand up, clear iron deficency. Your breathe is getting worse. Your skin is turning rougher. I know under these gloves your nails are blue. You're having a harder time sleeping. You're much less motivated. Depression and insomnia can be caused by malnurition. You're slower mentally. Weight loss and passing out aren't the only side effects bitch"

"You've been listening way too much to Logan and his stupid facts" He pointed over at Remy and their empty plate "At least I'm eating something. Soooo I'm not that bad"

Remus looked between his partners as if he was looking at a game of tennis. He didn't who to aggresivly talk about self care too. He settled on Remy. They looked like a deer caught in headlights as they froze in the middle of pouring up beer for themself as they noticed the very angry stare their boyfriend was giving them.

"No alcohol before you've at least eaten one piece of food" Remus said while taking the beer away from them.

"Hey that's my dinner dickass!" They exclaimed.

"You need the energy!"

They pinched his lips together "Audio control honey, we're among like other people. Besides my diet like right now is 300 cal per day and I don't know math so like I dunno what the hell here I even can like eat"

"300 is too little!!!!" He whined while taking their hand and shaking it around.

"It's better than being dead" They joked with a smile.

"Don't joke about death you're gonna give me a fucking panic attack you suicidal lil shit! I love you so fuck you!" Remus turned his neck so hard it cracked to stare at Logan "You you whale penis fuck! You know calories tell my beautiful wonderful very alive partner what the fuck to eat or I'll stomp your lungs out!"

Logan looked annoyed over having his discussion wiht Virgil interupted but he still took his phone out and opened the notes app "I made a meal plan on how to eat 235 cal during Christmas dinner but still make it look like much for my past dinners with my father" He handed the phone over to Remy "Enjoy and stop interupting me you waluigi reject"

'The waluigi reject' looked over at his partner with a smile "Come on at least a lil food, for me?"

They put 2 pieces of herring without sauce on their plate with a frown "I'll only eat if you give me affection"

"As if I wouldn't???" 

Remus moved his right arm around their waist and pulled them closer so their knees were touching. He pressed kisses to their neck which made them giggle and mumble about how people were around. They ate.

Everyone did actually. Even though it wasn't a lot for some of them and for others (Patton hadn't gone a day since the breakup with Lev without at least a minor binge) it was too much but sometimes that was all they could do and it would always be better than nothing.

Dot and Larry stayed in the kitchen sipping Christmas soda and being all cute and couple like. The others went out into the living room to play secret santa. Patton had organized it.

"Alright me first!!" The dad exclaimed "I got you kiddo!" He dramatically pointed at Remus who gasped.

"Oh give me daddy!!!" He rubbed his grubby lil goblin hands together.

Patton handed him a rectangle gift wrapped in neon green paper. The feral goblin ripped it open with his teeth and ate parts of the paper while looking at what was inside. It was a historical book about medival torture methods.

"AAAAHHHH Thanks Dad!!!" He hugged Patton tightly.

"No prob kiddo!!"

"Why don't you ever give me historical books about torture?" Logan asked in a disapointed tone "Anyhow I was told that I was supposed to find a gift for Virgil and I hope my result will be satisfactory for you"

He hadn't even bothered to wrap his gift, he didn't see the reason for it. He handed over a rolled up poster to the emo who fumbled around with it.

"Jeez dude you can't just throw things to me, I'm not much of a catcher y'know" He rolled it out and smiled when he saw it was a welcome to nightvale poster "Aw that's nice"

"Indeed. I greatly enjoyed the podcasts you have shown me so far and I assumed something like this would make your serotonin go wild" Logan replied. (They'd started to hang out and drink tea together and listen to podcasts or read books while just sitting beside each other, it was quiet and kind of introverted like they both liked it)

"AND IIIII'l make You go wild with serotonin! You nerdy big time rush memeber!" Roman exclaimed dramatically while throwing a package so it smacked Logan right in his face.

"If you do that again I hope your gift is a new pair of glasses" He muttered while opening it. Inside was a book of Shakespeare's poems. He frowned "I am not much for poetry or any sort of frivolous feelsy fiction, you know this"

Roman looked at him smugly "Actually my boyfriend who loves and knows a bunch about poems" (Everyone expect Virgil tensed up for a moment at the mention of his boyfriend) "He told me that Shakespeare always followed the rules of poetry so my dear Lo-comotive-Gan you can dissect the structure of the poem and analyze them and get all nerdy about them"

Logan thought for a while before shrugging "I suppose since you at least put some thought into it I shall thank you...so thanks. I truly appreciate it"

"Mission make-Lo-happy succeded!!" He had a big stupid grin on his face.

Remy snapped their fingers to get everyone's attention "Alright my turn! I got Janny"

"Fuck" Jan sighed under his breath.

They boped a soft package into his shoulder until he took it. He looked grumpy as he unwrapped it. Inside was a leather jacket. He kept on frowning.

"I've like noticed how you've kept picking at my leather jacket and you wanna be all cool and shit so I thought you'd like your own jacket" Remy explained.

"Isn't this kind of expensive?" He asked while running his hand over the jacket.

"Well...yeah. But you deserve it and I stole some money from RoRo so it works out"

"YOU WHAT?" No one gave Roman any answer to that.

"Thanks, I hate it" Janus lied while taking it on. 

He placed his hand on their knee and squeezed lightly while giving them a small smile. He usually didn't like touching people (aside from Remus) so it was his way to show that he really did like the gift. 

"Anyway" Janus pointed at Patton as if he was a lawyer persecuting him "I got you. Exscuse my lazy manners but I didn't have the time to wrap it"

He took off his hat and pulled a frog plushie out of it. He sat it down in Patton's lap. Pat gasped and immediatly hugged it.

"Awwww thanks kiddo!"

"It's the least I could do dad, no need for being all feelsy"

Remus had started to chew on the leather of his boyfriend's new jacket. Janus didn't mind if it made him happy. When the duke realized it was either his or Virgil's turn he stopped chewing and shot up into action.

"HAha! I am your secret santa Remy-baby!!" Remus exclaimed triumphantly while taking out a square package wrapped in neon green paper with a pattern of the emoji poop on it.

"Unless it's a magic device that makes it so that how to be a heartbreaker by Marina plays whenever I enter a room I don't want it" They replied.

Virgil grabbed onto Remus shoulder and dug his nails down into his skin "Wait, you're Remus-"

"Last time I checked no one has taken over my brain so yes"

"Okay I know what Remuses do and I'm okay with that, you're chill dude" He eyed the package "But if you've brung a dildo or anything close to it into my parent's house I am going to fucking murder you"

He patted his head while laughing "Ahh silly lil lamb. Anything can be a dildo if you're not a coward"

He handed the gift over. Remy unwrapped it with an excited look which disapeared when they saw what it was. It was a boxer but for two people at once. mayhaps he'd found it through an unus annus video but shhh.

"I was thinking we could share them" Remus explained while barely holding back a giggle "We can take christmas photos on them and use it as postcards"

"Thank god you're cute or else I'd trashed you by now" They muttered before pressing a kiss to his cheek. He'd already given them some flowers and a cd this morning so this was more of a joke gift.

Virgil stared down at the floor while fumbling with the gift he was holding. His cheeks were bright red as he handed it over to Roman "I'm sorry it's shitty"

"Nothing you'd give me would be shitty" He carefully unwrapped it. It was a cooking book.

"All the recipes are vegetarian cause I thought like those are normally lower in calories and I know you like to cook but if you're still anxious about calories this would maybe help and I'm sorry if it's like really rude to give this to youandyeahIhopeyoulikeityeahokayyeah" Virgil rambled out while fiddling with the string of his hoodie.

Before Roman had time to reply Dot's voice called out from the kitchen "Honey can you take out the dishes?" She asked.

Virgil quickly got up and cleared the table from the eggnog cups. He was on his way from out of the living room when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It startled him so much the cups he was holding fell down onto the floor. They were cheap plastic ones so 0 broke.

"Ah fishsticks sorry" Roman said while hunching down to pick them up.

"It's okay" Virgil assured while doing the same.

"I just wanted to say thanks for the gift" He pretended to reach for a plate but he was really reaching for Virgil's hand while trying to make it look like an accident "I loved it"

"No prob" He flinched back when he felt their fingers touch. He looked away and that was when he saw the mistle toe hanging above them "For fucks sake! You act like you're straight out of high school drama of course this happened when I'm around you" He groaned.

The prince shone up into a sly smile "Well my prince of darkness, you know the rules"

Virgil gulped while backing away so his back hit the wall. His dark eyes were wide as he looked into the other man's calm discolored ones. Roman leaned forward and moved one hand so it was next to Virgil's head and moved the other so it was lightly intertwined with his fingers. Warm porcelain white fingers intertwined with cold olive toned dark ones.

Roman pressed a kiss to Virgil's cheek. Virgil blushed as the thought that it felt nice passed his mind. He quickly shook it away but he couldn't shake the redness of his cheeks away.

"Haha I'm gay" He laughed out quietly when Ro moved away.

"What was that?"

Virgil saw his life by in front of him as if he was dying "NOTHING"

Roman sent him a warm smile while collecting all of the cups "You have really pretty eyes" He said while standing up "I thought they were just as black as your soul but when you get really close you see that they're just a really really dark blue with like purple parts"

"Ehm thanks" He replied while standing up and dusting off himself as an exscuse not to look at the other man "Yours are pretty cool too, like with one being green and one being weirdly red"

"I know right! It makes me look like an action hero!!"

"Or someone who's accidentally installed christmas lights into their eyes aka a moron"

"Well we shall get on with these dishes" Roman said with a big bright smile. Suddenly that stupid smile looked so beautiful "The other guys and Remy are setting up some Christmas movies so I don't want to make them wait"

He walked away to the kitchen. The other man stayed behind. He leaned on the wall while letting out a sigh. He moved his hand up to touch the part of his cheek where Roman had kissed him. Virgil smiled.