I hope y'all got whiplash from how fast Janus' character changed

Tw: Eating disorder(Bul), vomit mentions, arguing ),:

It had been a week since the sudden break up. Janus had blocked everyone in the friend group and called Picani to say that he wouldn't come to the therapy sessions anymore. He might as well have disapeared into thin air.

Remus had on a yellow hoodie which Jan had left behind. He was sitting by the dinner table and moved the food around with his fork. Roman had finished his meal long ago and was sitting by sofa, watching a bootleg musical. Remy had been starving for 28 hours now but they kept a watchful eye on their boyfriend.

The duke finally finished half of the meal. He glanced around before quickly getting up and throwing the rest of it away. The enby could hear him run into their shared bedroom. Soon after loud music with obscene lyrics blasted from it which was weird since Remus didn't like loud sounds.

Remy got a bad feeling. It was like the worry was weighing down on their shoulders until they couldn't feel anything else but the weight. They got up and went into their room but Remus wasn't there. The worry became so heavy it felt hard to walk as they went towards the bathroom. They stopped and leaned their forehead against the cold door. It sounded as if someone was sick on the other side.

"Hey babe, you okay?" They asked.

No answer came but it sounded like Remus got up and locked the door. Soon after the sounds of someone puking returned.

Remy sighed and sat down with their back against the wall. It must have gone by 5 minutes before Remus finally came out from the room. They immediately jumped up and leaned close to him.

"Girl you good?"

"Roman must have fucked up that meal or something, made me all sick" He mumbled out. He didn't meet their gaze.

"Wouldn't Roro be sick to then?" They asked rhetorically while rolling their eyes. They cupped his cheeks and continued with a gentle voice "I won't be mad if you relapse y'kn-"

Before they could finish their sentence Remus had pushed them away, not harsh enough to hurt but enough to leave an impact.

"How about you stop assuming stuff!" He bit off before storming over to the entrance. He put on his jacket while continuing to grumble out "I don't know when I'll be back but how about when I do get back you try and mind your own fucking business!"

He slammed the door shut behind him.

Remy brushed past what had happened and told themself he was just grumpy after a particular bad relapse. They went back to the couch and tried to focus on the musical. The worry continued to grow until it completely encapsulated everything around them. They didn't even notice that the tv had been turned off.

"Hey hey hey" Roman said while snapping his fingers in front of their face "I'm going to bed, you should too"

"....Yeah.."

The bed felt empty without a body laying next to them. Remy took out their phone and scrolled through social media to get their mind off of...well everything. They didn't want to think about how Janus apparently hadn't cared about them enough to even say goodbye before completely leaving their life. They didn't want to think about where their boyfriend could be right now.

Janus had said that as long as he was there he would make sure they were okay. He said he would always be here. They should have known he was a liar.

It must have been at least 3 am when the door quietly opened and Remus came home. He didn't even bother changing clothes before laying down in the bed with a huff.

Remy turned to him and was about to say something when they noticed his shoulders shaking, soon after the first sob escaped his lips. He covered his mouth with his hand to muffle the crying.

The insomniac wrapped their arms around his waist and pressed kisses up from his neck to his cheek. All they got as a response was Remus shaking their arms away.

"Didn't I tell you to mind your own fucking business" He nearly hissed it out before standing up and taking his pillow. He slept on the couch that night.

When Remy woke up the next morning they immediately went out into the living room but Remus wasn't there. He wasn't anywhere. He'd left again. The enby had to work at the coffee shop today so they didn't have as much time to worry about him as the last day but it still felt like their bones ached every time they thought about him.

It was quite late when they got home and the apartment was filled with the smell of tasty food. Roman was by the stove making salad with tofu. 

"Sup gal" Remy greeted while leaning against the counter "Need some help?"

He handed them a knife "Slice the tomatoes"

"Sure. Soooo do you know if like Rere is home?" They asked while hacking up the red bastards.

"He got home like half an hour ago. Stank horribly but what else is new, and now he won't leave his room"

"cooooolll"

The dinner was a quiet one. It looked like Roman was for once okay with eating since it was mostly his safe foods (He still had on a mukbang video) but it felt weird when one chair was empty. Remy moved the food around with the fork and ate some of the salad and cucumber but threw away most of it.

They filled a plate with vegetables before going over to their bedroom. They knocked on the door and waited, and waited and waited. Nobody opened. They knocked again, much louder this time.

Finally Remus opened the door, just enough to look out. There was already dark bags from lack of sleep forming under his eyes "What?" He bit out.

"You seemed to like tots forget dinner so I got you some" Remy answered with a smile while holding the plate towards him.

He glanced down at it before fully opening the door. He took the plate and stared at it "LEAVE ME ALONE!" He yelled as he threw the plate down onto the ground "Let me be or I'll rip out your eyeballs and stomp on them!"

Remy jumped back and let out a scream when the plate got smashed into several pieces. Some of them were close to cutting them. They looked up only to meet with the door being slammed down shut so harshly it almost looked like it would break.

Roman came looking to see what happened. He gently put a hand on Remy's shoulder while yelling at his brother "HEy dukey, what the hell!!"

Not a single sound came from the room. Roman let go of his friend and instead banged on the door while yelling "How about you fricking think before doing something for once! You scared Remy you idiot!"

Remy slowly went away. They laid down on the couch and hide down under a blanket before covering their ears with their hands. They could hear Roman continuing to lecture his brother but they didn't want to listen. They wanted their normal demented but happy Remus back.

The weight on the sofa shifted and they felt a hand land on their shoulder "Sorry about that" Roman said "I don't know exactly what your dad did but I hope nothing of that was triggering or anything"

"Princey no offense but shut the fuck up" They muttered out.

"Right well just remember that as your personal knight I'll always be here for you"

Without saying anything Remy sat up and moved to lean their head against Roman's shoulder. He wrapped his arm around their shoulder. He quietly hummed on a song he'd written while the minutes ticked by in silent comfort.

After who knows how long the silence was broken by the bedroom door opening and Remus quietly leaving. Roman got up to probably lecture him again but the duke had already left the apartement before he could say anything.

Remy sighed before getting up from the couch. They needed a drink so they went into their bedroom and took out their flask from under the pillow. Lately around 90% of their calories had come from alcohol but at least they weren't dying from starvation. They couldn't follow through with their death now when Janus was gone anyway. They couldn't leave Remus with 2 people suddenly gone.

As their throat burned from the vodka they noticed something sticking out from under the bed. It was Remus' notebook/sketchbook. Usually he didn't mind them looking through it so they opened it to look through the newest pages.

A character who Remy knew was the character Remus drew when he needed to vent but didn't want to draw self portaits was drawn in neon colors with bugs crawling out of their mouth and eyes. Another drawing showed them dragging their fingers so deeply into the skin of their cheeks that blood was pooling out, the face was distorted and there were smilies surronding it. In the last drawing the character's stomach had been cut open and intenstines were hanging out. An intenstine had been used as a noose so he was hanging. Next to it was written 'I'm a disease infecting everyone I love'.

On the next page there was only words written down in such a sloopy way it was hard to read and stains left from what seemed to be tears. The same words over and over. The same words Janus had told him.

'I'm disgusting. I'm disturbing. I'm disposible. I'm disgusting. I'm disturbing. I'm disposible. I'm disgusting. I'm disturbing. I'm disposible. I'm disgusting. I'm disturbing. I'm disposible. I'm disgusting. I'm disturbing. I'm disposible. I'm disgusting. I'm disturbing. I'm disposible.'

Remy sat and looked at it for a moment before closing it and pretending like it didn't exists. It was easier that way. They sat down next to the bed to hide the notebook again and noticed a plastic bag had also been stuffed under the bed. They didn't have to open it to know what was inside.

But they did open it and was met with the rotten stench and sight of day old vomit like they'd expected.

 To hide the purging Remus used to purge into bags in the bedroom sometimes and Remy used to check for the bags so they knew he wasn't doing it but it'd been months since he'd done it so they'd stopped looking.

They left the vomit filled bag on the floor to dispose of it later. They went to get the wine in the kitchen while taking out a joint from their pocket, they didn't want to think about anything for a while.

--

It went on like this for an entire month. Remus would leave the apartment so early in the morning no one else was awake and then he would be gone until late at night. Remy started to sleep on the couch because they didn't want to hear him cry at night and then not be able to comfort him without him pushing them away.

Sometimes he did get home by dinner time and they practically made him eat because he obviously wasn't doing well physically, or mentally for that matter. He stopped trying to hide that he purged it all up afterwards.

After a particularly bad day where Remy had tried to talk to Remus and he literally didn't respond, he didn't even look at them before leaving the apartment they decided they were going to stay up until he came home.

Roman had put a blanket around them and hugged them goodnight before heading to bed. The enby spent the entire night watching mindless reality show episodes and slowly emptying the wine bottle until they actually felt sleepy which was unusual for them.

The sun had began to rise when they heard the entrance door quietly open. Remy let out a yawn before sneaking over to the hallway.

Remus was taking off his jacket. There were big dark circles under his eyes from nights without sleep. He hid the rest of his body under big hoodies and sweatpants but they didn't fit him the same way they usually did.

"Hey babe" Remy greeted in a quiet tone. They took a step towards him.

He waved at them while staring down into the ground. He was about to brush past them but Remy grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"Please wait" They nearly begged "I don't want to lose you too"

"Did you pour cyanide in your eye holes and get blind or something? I'm right here" Remus bit out, there was venom on his tongue.

"No you're not, I miss you"

"WHO CARES!" Remus suddenly blew up and pushed his lover away.

"Well obviously I do!" Remy exclaimed while shooting their arms out "I don't want to stand by and watch while you hurt yourself"

"So I don't get to destroy myself but I should let you kill yourself however much you like!"

Remus choked up on his own words. He wished he'd kept them inside. He wished he thought before he fought.

"Babe shut the fuck up! I am a snack and anyone would be lucky to be with me" Remy replied "And you're out here treating me like shit right now like you're better than this I know you are. Like you're missing your chance to be with a literal fucking godess here"

"Well you are easy to get so I can't be that lucky. You know" He forced on a grin "I'm surprised you haven't gone and hung yourself or something the moment I didn't pay attention to you all the time"

Remy's eyes filled up with tears but they stood still to try and pretend like they weren't affected by what he'd said "Shut up"

He dragged his hand across his face and back through his mullet "Oh I think I've been quiet enough. Like I've never said anything about all the little ways you're trying to slowly kill yourself as if you think I won't notice if you do it sneakily enough!"

"You ended up in the fucking hospital cause of you purging too much so don't you-"

"Well you've tried your best to make me stop but if I ever try to stop you from anything you get mad at me and go on about my purging habits. I-I mean look at you you're recking of alcohol right now and-and you're smoking cigarettes every day and if you're gonna get high every other day at least learn to hide it bette-"

Remy grabbed onto his cheeks to make him shut up "What I do with my body is my fucking business"

He let out a short humorless chuckle "It's my business if it could hurt you"

Remy didn't reply. They took a step back while looking away.

"Maybe I just need to be away from you for once, ever thought about that, maybe I just don't want you following me around constantly as if you don't have anything better to do!" He didn't know why he kept yelling, he didn't want to get this angry.

"Then say that! Instead of just pretending like I don't exists!" Remy yelled back.

"Fine! Yeah! I dont- I don't want...I don't want you to be with me" 

"....Fine" Remy looked at him with exhaustion in their eyes while crossing their arms "Fine"

"Great, now....please....please just leave me alone...I just....please...leave me please"

He kept repeating it while tears started to roll down his cheeks. His voice got unstable from growing sobs and he shut his eyes to try and stop them. Why could he never control his emotions.

Remy opened their arms and Remus gave in. He borrowed his head into their chest and desperately held onto the fabric of their shirt as he started to sob.

"I-I'm sorry so sorry please sorry" He sobbed out.

His legs got weak and gave out. He sank down onto the floor and Remy followed along. They sat down next to him and embraced him.

"I'm sorry I'v-ve hurt you but pleas-se I'm begging you don't leave I'm sorry sorry" He continued to cry out "I didn't mean it I'm sorry I didn't please I just want you to be okay I'm sorry sorry so sorry"

"It's alright babe I promise"

"I'm so scared. Jan...Janus he just he just changed suddenly and started to hate me and I-I don't know why. I thought I thought maybe if I didn't talk to you you wouldn't see what he saw and leave me"

Remy leaned his head up so they had eye contact "What he saw was wrong" 

"No. I-it's fine I mean" He laughed which only turned into more sobs "Jan was only the love of my life aside from you....and now he despises me. It-it's his birthday today, I'd planned t-to take him to the zoo to look at sn-snakes but now I can't even congratulate him"

Remy continued to whisper sweet nothings and hug him until he slowly stopped crying. His eyes were red and his lip was still trembling when he looked up at them.

"It's been so hard not talking to you. I just- I wanted to cuddle you and talk about my ideas and I just I was so scared I'm sorry" He mumbled out.

"Hey you can cuddle me and talk to me now. I got time" They replied with a smile. They were lightly running their fingers through his long hair.

He nodded. He leaned up and kissed them "I love you" He murmured before kissing them again "I've missed kissing you"

"Love you too.....Can I like ask were you've been all this time?"

"Walking, just walking and more walking" On average 14 km per day.

Remy grabbed onto his shoulders and looked into his eyes "Please babe you have to stop. I can't take standing by and watching while you ruin yourself back to your low point all cause of what one asshole said alright. No more purging, no more walking for hours"

He leaned his cheek against their hand "The only good thing about this past month has been not having to look on while you...you disappear. You might be feeling bad over me but this is literally what I feel every day"

Remy glanced away "I'm sorry....I..I can't just stop"

"I know....I know and I hope you know that I don't give a single fuck about your body but you're inside it and I" He choked up on his words "I can't take the thought of not being able to hold you or wake up next to you...I can't take seeing you killing the only part of you I can touch"

"I'm fine" They assured with a small sad smile.

Remus took their hand while sighing "No you're not"

They thought for a moment before holding out their pinkie "If you recover I recover, I promise"

"I promise" He squeezed their pinkie "I'm so proud of you, deciding to recover is hard, I know"

"I'm proud of you too, no matter how many times you relapse. As long as you survive I'll always be proud of you" They kissed him once more "Girl like I hope that when you die I die too since I can't phantom living a moment without you" They laughed but it sounded more like crying "I mean jesus chirst i'm really gonna try to eat cause of you oh fuck this is gonna turn out so bad and i'm gonna have so many panic attacks but like if it helps you to stop relapsing I would like literally do anything"

"My dear dead heart of mine neither of us will have to live without the other" Remus assured in a warm tone "We'll get through this hell okay"

"Okay" They wiped away a tear before bringing their forheads together "We'll survive this"