Tw: Psych ward, eating disorder (ana, minor BED), purging (Note: The depiction of the psych ward is probs not 100% realistic)

i think the song 'Dynasty' by Rina Sawayama fits Remy well, just saying.

"Do you have a prior history of self harm?" The nurse asked.

"No" Remy answered in a monotone tone.

"Substance abuse?" Her hand was still tightly holding onto their arm.

"No"

"Suicide attempts or suicidal thoughts?"

"No"

She guided them into a small room, not bigger than a cleaning closet. Remy was wondering what Remus was going to tell Janus once he got home. Maybe Jan would be happy the burden that was his partner was gone.

The lady said she had to body check them for sharp objects and requested that they take their leather jacket off. It left them in their sport top, shorts and boots.

She pointed at the spikes on the jacket "I'll have to confiscate this until you're allowed to leave. Your phone too. And you're top if it has a wire in it"

Remy crossed their arms in front of their chest as if they thought the lady would tear off their top if they said no "It helps with my dysphoria" Was all they could get out as a meek answer.

"It's still a safety regulation" She took out a bland blue t-shirt from box "You can wear this for now. Ask any staffmember and they can lend you a phone so you can ask somene to bring your things"

They bit their lip out of nervosity as they took their top of and dragged the shirt on. It was so big it hid more of their legs than their shorts did. The lady moved up behind them and told them she was going to body check them now.

Her hands quickly moved across their chest and ribs. Her hands moved down to their hips and suddenly Remy was 13 years old again and all their instincts were screaming at them.

They didn't move, they didn't say anything. Fighting back never did any good. They simply bit their lipped harder, until blood was dripping down their chin. They stared forward and emptied their mind until their brain was 5 steps behind their body.

Remy watched on as the body check ended. As the lady took out the second packet of diet pills from their short's pocket. As she wiped away the blood. She grabbed their arm and led them back out of the hallway while talking. They didn't hear a single word.

The nurse stopped outside their room and opened the door for them before walking away. Remy was still dissociating as they sneaked into the room and sat down on the bed. The lamp above the other bed suddenly turned on.

"Remy?" Logan yawned out. He fumbled after his glasses so he could see that it definetly was them "W-what are you-u doing here? Visting hours are-e over. Did you br-reak in?"

"Go back to sleep babe. I'll like tell you tomorrow" At least there was one good thing with this place. Logan.

Soon snores came from Logan's bed. Remy laid down on their bed. It was cold and uncomfortable. They held the pillow close to their chest. They wished it was Janus they were hugging instead.

They didn't get any sleep that night. All they got were tears.

--

Roman lit the second candle in the form of a pumpkin and put it on the table. He'd made the dinner table as nice looking as possible, with a red cloth on it and everything. He'd put some romantic music on in the background and the food he'd spent time making was laying on the plates.

A smile formed on his lips when he heard the door open. He sneaked over into the small entrance part of their (their!!!) apartement. Virgil was taking off his jacket when Roman took him in his arms and dipped him down to kiss him.

"Hello mi querido"

Virgil chuckled. His cheeks were rosy from blushing "Hi princey"

"I made dinner!" He barely gave his boyfriend a chance to take his platform boots off before dragging him into the living room "Tada! I made ravioli with spinach filling. Me and pasta aren't really friends yet so I fried cut up carrot pieces around the filling and made carrot ravioli for myself!"

"That's actually kinda clever" Virgil fake gasped "It's a miracle! You used your brain!"

"Yeah yeah. Food is an art like any other y'know"

"You're an art like any other" Virgil tried a ravilio and for a moment he looked like a very very satisfied hamster "God the stove must love you. I never used it before"

"That explains the inches of dust on top of it" He replied. He couldn't believe he could actually hold a conversation while eating.

"It's been decided" Virgil held up his glass "I can't throw you out. You've been upgraded to my boyfriend-prince-butler-chef-love-of-life"

Roman bowed before clinking his glass together with Virgil's "It would be an honor to accept those roles"

--

There was a strict schedule at the ward. Lots of rules too. They were woken up at a certain time and forced to go to bed at another. Every meal and different kind of therapy was on the schedule and they weren't allowed to leave the table unti they'd finished their plate. Nor were they allowed into the bathroom 30 minutes after eating (purging).

"What if I like sit here not eating until lunch? Whatcha gonna do then?" Remy asked the nurse sitting next to them.

"Well you have group therapy between breakfast and lunch so I will have made you eat by the time it's lunch" She replied.

They took a bite from the sandwich on the plate in front of them. They chewed once before spitting it out on the ground "You gonna make me eat that off the floor too or something?"

She sighed "Just eat the sandwich Siest. If you spit out another bite out I'll go get a new sandwich"

Logan had finished eating 15 minutes ago. It looked like he'd been activly forcing it down his throat with his fingers or else his body wouldn't allow it. He was close to hyperventilating when he was done but a nurse had helped him calm down. At least he wasn't crying during every meal anymore.

Now he was sitting in one of the couches rereading one of the ward's books. He'd already finished reading everything they had (they got a lot of free time). He'd requested that Patton would bring more books next time he visited. The idea of him visiting soon was the thing keeping him going the most throughout the day.

Remy's thoughts were screaming about how much progress they were losing and how fat they were getting as they ate the sandwich. They didn't waste another second before getting up and going to their room.

They walked back and forth to burn calories until a nurse came to get them to group therapy. They didn't say a single word during it. They stared down at their feet and bit their nails.

The time until lunch was spent walking. Lunch was forced down. Walking. Art therapy were they didn't listen to anyone else and the everything reminded them too much of Remus to do anything. Walking. Dinner. A girl with bloody knuckled asked if they wanted to play cards. They told her off maybe a bit too harshly.

When they got back to their room to walk again Remus was sitting on their bed. He shone up into a big stupid smile when he saw them. He did the sound equivalent of !!!!

He stood up and moved to hug them but Remy walked past him and laid down in bed. They stared at the wall.

"Jan was gonna come too but he thought your mood might worsen if you saw him....But I'm here! I brought some of your stuff!! I made you a drawing!....I...I guess I'll put it...here" He put it on their nightstand.

He changed his footing and fiddled with his hands. He wanted to ask if they were mad at him. He wanted to kiss them until they were okay again.

"Why are the lights at hospitals and stuff always so bright? They were even bright at my speech therapist which is real ironic"

He started to walk back and forth.

"You don't have to forgive me I just want you to be okay y'know. I didn't think I had any other options than this. Babe you're...you're just so godforsaken stubborn when you want to be and you were really stubborn about dying!"

Remus fastened his pace while hitting his hands against his head.

"That sound is horrible! Can you hear that?" They couldn't "It's so loud! How can anyone live with these kinda lights and sounds???"

He continued to walk back and forth while hitting his hands against his thighs. He let out a few muffled whines every now and then.

"You should go" Remy muttered. They knew he only acted this way when he was nearing a sensory overload.

"Great you can talk! I was starting to think your tounge had been cut off!" He shook his head to try and get the bad sound out "I don't wanna leave you!! I wanna be with you! I can handle it! It's fine"

Remy looked at him for the first time since he got there "I. Want. You. To. Leave. Me. Alone!"

Remus' forced smile faltered. He looked away. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He moved to leave but Remy quickly said

"Wait.....Could you bring a plant- the big plant from the apartement here?.....To make it feel like home" They lied.

"Of course" Remus said in a gentle tone. He left.

They got up and turned the lights down before turning the radiator off since they assumed that was making the sound. They knew he would come back. They didn't want him to be in pain.

They looked at the drawing he'd left on the nightstand. It showed a cat with cartoonishly big sunglasses being hugged by a snake and an octopus. 'We love you!!!' was written In big crooked green letters. In neat small handwriting stood 'You deserve to get better'.

Remy held the drawing close to their chest. They took a deep breathe before ripping it in two and throwing it away. Remus and Janus were better and safer of without them.

The next day started the same. They were forced to eat breakfast and quickly went back to the room. When they got in a big green plant stood in the corner. They smiled as they leaned down in front of it.

Remy pushed three fingers down their throat until bits of the sandwich came up again. They purged up the breakfast into the plant's roots.

The routine continued. They walked. Ate lunch. Purged. Picked at their nails during group therapy without saying anything. Logan said something. Dinner. Purged. Walked. Remus visited. Ranted about his latest drawing job. Breakfast. Purged. They stole a pencil sharpener during art therapy just in case. Walked. Lunch. Purged.

Logan tried to talk to them. They didn't say much back but nodded at his astrology facts and listened to him read. Roman and Virgil visited sometimes. Remy left the room every time. They told themself the two of them were only visiting Lo. Patton visited at least twice a week. He said it was good for him. Visiting gave him a reason to go on walks and leave his apartement. Remy left the room whenever the couple started to kiss and cuddle. Seeing them be so in love only reminded Remy of what they really wanted to do instead of ignore Remus every time he visited.

"Hey babe!!" Remus greeted one day when he came into the room. He swore he could smell vomit but he was sure no one was able to purge at a psych ward so he ignore it "I got great news!!!"

Remy didn't answer. The only good news would be if he'd finally given up on helping them.

"Okay okay. So I was at my normal doctor checkup for my lungs and teeth and stuff and he said my body has fully recovered from my purging!!! I don't even have to go to him anymore! I'm healed! I'm like fully bodily healed from all the damage my bulimia did to me!"

There was a big grin on his lips. Remy held back the urge to pull him into a hug and tell him they were proud of him for getting this far. They didn't move at all.

His smile faltered "Hehe yeah...yeah...maybe it's a stupid thing to be happy over....yeah I guess it's a small thing...I....I was gonna tell JanJan about it....but...yeah it's stupid"

"Tell Jan" Remy mumbled out. "Stop pestering me and like talk to him instead"

"Ok...Okay. I will" He fiddled with his shirt sleeves "You look thinner. How are you even able to still lose weight? You're in a psych ward! I-I tried to make it so you wouldn't...y'know"

"Rhys died while in a psych ward. Miracles happen"

"That wasn't a miracle! Don't even imply that what happened to Rhys was- I know we only met him a few times but....but..." Remus took a few deep breathes to calm himself down "You losing weight isn't either a miracle"

"Whatever. You say potato I say too many calories. Leave"

He held out his hand for a moment, unsure whether to hold them or not. He decided not to "I love you, always. I'll be back tomorrow. I promise. I'll be back every day just so I can be sure you're still alive"

Breakfast. Purged. Walked. Did nothing during art therapy. Lunch. Purged. Picked at their nails. Ate. Purged. Walked. Silence. Ate. Purged. Walked. Silence. Ate. Purged. Walked. Silence. Ate. Purged. Walked. Silence.

They picked at their nails until their fingers were bleeding.

--

Roman was exhausted as he went up the stairs to his apartement but for once it wasn't because he was starving. It was because he'd had 10 guitar lessons today, most of them with kids under 8. He unlocked the door (him having his own key to the apartement still made his heart go all woozey).

The curtains were closed and no lights were on as he came in "Honey?" He called out while taking off his shoes.

He went into the kitchen and found Virgil sitting on the floor. There were empty plastic bags that'd been filled with food before around him. Roman sat down next to him. He tenderly held his boyfriend's cheeks to make him look at him.

"My dear prince are you okay?" Roman asked.

There were tear streeks on Virgil's cheeks "I'd been doing good. I hadn't binged in-"

"Oh shush" He pressed a kiss to Virgil's forhead "You shouldn't be focusing so much on the numbers. You didn't binge and then you did and that's fine. You're doing good and this doesn't take away from that"

"...thanks....Ugh I feel so gross" He put up his hood and tried to hide as much of his face as he could "Don't look at me"

"Not looking at my impossibly handsome prince of my dreams? Very very hard challenge, but I shall try!" Roman got up to get his meds. The bottle was in the bahtroom. When he looked inside it was empty "Hey we need to get your meds refilled!"

"I knowww" Virgil whined back "I've been too anxious about going to the pharmacy to do it"

Roman went back out into the kitchen "Well then that's the first thing we'll do tomorrow. I can do the talking. Now" He held out his hand to help him up "Let's go on a walk. It'll make you feel less gross, I promise"

Virgil took his hand. He buried his head against Roman's shoulder in a sort of hug. "You gotta stop being so good at making me feel better. You're not allowed to be good at so much princey" He muttered.

"Aww mi querido. If I had to choose one thing to be good at it would be making you feel better!"

"Ugh gross too sweet. Shut up" He shoved his hand against Roman's face to make him look away which made Ro laugh "Love you" He mumbled out in the most aggresive tone he could.

"Love you too!! Wanna go on the walk now?" Virgil nodded before giving him a quick kiss.

--

It was the weight in day. Remy was waiting for their turn outside of the nurse's room. A girl with rotten teeth left the room and shut the door right in front of their face. They held back the urge to yell swear words at her. Lately the only thing they'd been feeling was anger. They were pretty sure they were angry at themself. They'd been angry at themself for so long the rage didn't fit inside their body anymore.

The nurse was a guy. The entire time Remy took their clothes off (except for their underwear) they held their breathe. They were waiting for some comment, some hand on them, something. Being hurt was the only thing that calmed their paranoia.

"Co-" The nurse began.

They tensed up "If you're about to say my name that is. Not. My. Name"

"It stood in your file"

"It's not my name" They repeated. They'd already heard it enough times from other nurses. They couldn't take hearing it again.

He told them to step on the scale and stare up into the ceiling. They weren't allowed to know their own weight. They did as told. They were good at that.

"You're exercising aren't you?" He asked them once they'd stepped back.

Remy shrugged while putting on their shirt as quickly as they could.

"I need you to understand that you're entering a risk zone. Once your body has burned through all the fat it will start going on your muscles. It honestly wouldn't surpise me if your muscles has already started to deteriorate. Once the muscles are gone it turns to your organs and you'll-"

"Die" Remy interupted "I know. I've had friends who's had organ failure"

"Then you know you need to let us help you so it doesn't worsen"

"I don't care" Remy muttered. Their eyes looked empty.

The nurse seemed to try and search for the right thing to say for a few baffled moments before saying "I'll have to talk to the other nurses on how to prevent further weight loss"

"I don't get why y'all think I want to get better when I was literally forced here. When my friend got organ failure I was jealous 'cause I wanted my own body to hurry up and just fucking kill me already"

--

Virgil made himself a coffee before going into the living room. Roman was sitting on the couch with his guitar, in front of him was his notebook. The emo slumped down next to him and made sure to lean on him just to be annoying.

The prince let out a squeal while quickly closing his notebook. "What you hiding princey? Writing a love song or something" Virgil joked while sipping on his coffee. Roman stared down into the floor while his cheeks heated up. He nearly choked on his coffee "Wait seriously?"

"ᴵ ʷᵃⁿᵗᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵈᵒ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ⁿᶦᶜᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᶦᵗ ˢᵒ" Roman mumbled out.

"Jeez you hopeless romantic. That's kinda adorable but also really really dorky" He took the guitar away from him "You've reached your dork limit today. You can resume tomorrow when I've gotten to practice on playing some sick Pierce the veil"

"Please don't use the word dork around me"

"Too late. Your bro has already infected me"

Virgil went into focus mode. Sounds were coming from the guitar, just not very quickly. He was trying his best. Roman moved his arm around his boyfriend's shoulder and held his hands on top of his.

"It will go quicker if you don't move your hands away from the neck between chords. Only move your fingers"

It went a bit quicker, mostly because Roman was pretty much moving his hands for him.

"Teaching you is much more fun than the normal lessons. Mostly because I can do this" Roman started pressing kisses to Virgil's neck while keeping a half open eye on the chords.

His cheeks heated up from blushing "Shut up you prince doo-tiful. I'm trying to focus"

"Sorry Hot topic but since my dork limit is all filled up my attention meter is all empty and if I don't get attention immediatly I will become a sad puddle on the floor" He said between kisses.

Virgil tried to reply with something snarky but the only thing that came out was incomprehensible gay panic noises. Roman kissed his skin until a hickey formed, Viv let out something close to gaaaahhh.

When Roman moved the smoches up to his cheek Virgil gave up on focusing. He moved his head so their lips meet and he let the guitar down on the floor before pushing Ro so he was laying down.

"My attention meter is being filled up alright" Roman giggled out between kisses. He lightly wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's neck.

"Shut up"

"You love me"

"Shut up......But yes"

--

Logan was sitting on the floor doing a puzzle when Remy came into the room after being forced to eat lunch. They started to walk back and forth to burn calories like usual. (Pieces of their hair had started to fall out).

"Girl where were you at like lunch?"

Lo took a corner piece "I-I was at ph-physiotherapy. For my leg. I a-ate at the hospital"

"You getting to leave this fuckhole but not me is tots bullshit"

"Yes speaking of th-that, could y-you hand me m-my bag" He pointed up at the shelf. They handed it to him "They're allowin-ng me to spend the w-weekend at Patton's apartement as long as I-I continue to f-follow my-my meal plan" He shone up into a small smile.

"Seriously-" They held back the urge to be bitter against the nurses for not letting them out "I'm like glad for you I guess"

Logan smiled while putting a shirt into the bag "I can't wait to-to spend so much time w-with my d-darling dumpling!"

He said it so cutesy Remy wanted to throw up. They did actually but that was to purge once Lo left the room for a moment. They helped him pack until he had everything he needed.

"Patty will p-pick me up in 5 minutes. Are y-you sure you're okay w-with me being gone for a-a few days?" Logan asked.

"Pff why would I like decide whether you can be with your boytoy or not"

"Well mental h-health usually worsens when one is-is lonely and since-e you are-"

"Don't worry 'bout me" Remy hugged him "Groan at Pat's like dad jokes for me kay"

Logan wheeled himself out of the room and Remy returned to burning calories. They put on shorts and a loose t-shirt so they wouldn't get too sweaty from the crunches. It was nearing visiting hours and they knew Remus would tell the nurses if he saw them exercise so they eventually sat on their bed and stared out into nothing instead.

They heard the door open and awaited to hear a boo! or an overly cheery hello.

"Hey Co-"

Remy froze. They never wanted to hear that voice again. It was their dad.

Tw: Cutting, Abuse (???). I don't know if what happens in the upcoming scene counts as abuse (pls tell me if it does). If you need to skip just comment and I'll give you a tw free symmary

Remy's thoughts were racing as they slowly stood up. They glanced around the room, every other possible place except for their dad's eyes. He was in front of the only door.

In panic they stood up and took a step back towards the window. He was saying something but they didn't hear. They turned around towards the window and tried to open it even though they knew it was screwed shut.

There were arms around them pulling them into a sort of hug. His chest was against their back and they were frozen. Fingers dug into their ribs in a playful way. The playful way where it hurt. It wouldn't leave bruises and the pain would disappear in a few minutes. It was through this they'd learnt saying no did nothing. If they said no the fingers would dig deeper and it would hurt more until they were screaming, and they would hear laughter because the pain was funny. Of course it was funny.

So they didn't say no. They didn't move. They waited until the hands moved down to their hips and for a moment a hand moved down nearly tracing close to their crotch. They flinched but nothing happened. Nothing ever happened.

"I've missed you" Their dad murmured while continuing to hug them. They were suffocating on air.

He let them go and sat down on their bed. He grabbed their wrist and made them sit down next to him. His breathe smelled like whiskey.

"So Co-"

"That's not my name" Remy interupted. They sunk in on themself, trying to make themself as small as possible.

For a moment their dad grimaced before letting up into a relaxed expression "What is your new 'name' again?"

"....R..remy"

"Okay Remy. I assume you still use those stu- those pronouns" They nodded "Fine. I..I respect that"

They looked up at him. They couldn't get a word out. They were too baffled. It didn't feel real. It wasn't supposed to be this easy.

"So why are you here? Some nurse called me and told me my son- Child was in here apparently" Remy didn't want to say. He'd joked about them being fat and eating too much their entire childhood. "Huh?" He said it with a hint of anger. That one word had stressed them out so much so many times. If they didn't say the right thing fast enough it always came. It got harder to breathe.

"Eating disorder" They nearly whispered out.

"Heh that explains your chubby legs" He laughed while patting their knee. They forced a chuckle.

His hand moved down from their knee to the inner part of their thigh. His hand nearly wrapped around half of their leg. His fingers dug in and his hand moved up and down.

All the years of recovery and trying to unlearn was destroyed. The hours of being held and comforted after a flashback or a nightmare was destroyed. Every time Remus had assured them they were more than their body was destroyed. All this time of tyring to forget that hellish feeling was destroyed by that one touch, that one hand against their thigh.

They felt like they were 13 again. They felt like they were an object again.

"You still living with that....whoever you were living with?" How did he expect them to talk right now. They were close to tears. They were staring out into nothing while feeling their flesh rotting "Huh?" Nails dug into their thigh.

"No. I..I live I lived with my ex-boyfriend I eh Remus he was he used to be at our house sometimes but you were drunk most of the time he was there so I uh maybe you probably maybe don't remember him. I'm not going to live with him again. I don't want to hurt him. I don't know where I'll live" They forced out. Their thoughts were racing. They wanted away from here. They wanted away from their body. They wanted to rip off their skin.

"I remember him. I always thought he was a bit of a fa- gay with his long hair and painted nails and stuff" He leaned closer. The grip on their thigh hurt "Remy You can live with me again y'know. I still own the same apartement"

He used their name. He actually used their name. Everything was too much. Remy's head was spinning, they couldn't make decisions right now. Especially not this big decision. But they couldn't say no. They couldn't say no. They couldn't say no. The could never say no.

Remy let out some muffled sound. It wasn't a word. It wasn't yes. It wasn't no. But they could make it seem like they'd said something. Like they'd agreed. (If they actually agreed it would be more their fault than it already was). It was the safest option.

Their abuser smiled. "I'm glad you agree. The apartement has been so empty without you"

(Of course he wasn't planning on actually using their new name and pronouns. The moment they lived with him and were economically and emotionally dependant on him again it would all go back to normal)

He pressed 3 kisses to the side of their neck. It was more like he was sucking on their skin. They couldn't move. At least it was better than those times they'd woken up with a heavy body leaning onto theirs and lips against their neck. Those times when they'd woken up in a panicked haze unsure of where they were and what was happening, unsure of how they could defend themself if they already were in such a disadvantage.

Remy was pushed down onto their back. Their body was moving without them controlling it. Their hands tried to grab onto his wrists to move his hands away. Their legs tried to push him away. Everything was going too fast and too slow at the same time.

They were too physically weak. They couldn't move him away. They couldn't do anything. There were still fingers digging into their ribs. There was still a heavy body leaning on theirs keeping them down. There were still a hand moving from their thigh up to their ass.

"Isn't this nice?" Their dad asked "We're just cuddling"

Once more their only reply was letting out some sound. If they said no it wouldn't matter. It would hurt more.

It continued for at most 4 minutes. It felt like an eternity. Their dad sat back and let out a chuckle when he saw the destroyed expression on his child's face.

"Why are you looking like that? We just cuddled. I'm your dad, I get to hold my child whatever way I want"

Remy looked at him. They couldn't go through this again. They couldn't hear the same excuse again. They broke.

"I-I'm sorry" They cried out while burying their head in their hands to hide the tears "I'm sorry. SO sorry I'm sorry I swear I promise I didnt I'm sorry I'm sorry"

It was all their fault. Their fault for wearing shorts. Their fault for not being so skinny all their curves had completely disappeared. Their fault for not fighting back more. Their fault for not saying no. Their fault for sitting the wrong way. Their fault moving the wrong way. Their fault for existing.

"I'm sorry" They continued to sob out.

"It's okay" He pulled them into a hug. An actual hug.

He told them about happy childhood memories to calm them down. He left out the ugly things. Like how Remy still had scars on their knees from being dragged across the floor by their hair. Like how he'd pressured them into drinking alcohol before they'd even finished middle school. Like how they had delusions at 15 about people Always watching them because of him.

It went an hour. An hour of them remembering every bad thing that he'd done while he talked about how good it would be for them to move back in. His hand was on their thigh. It felt like they were going to throw up.

(Maybe it was good. Maybe it was what they deserved. Maybe they were made for this. Maybe they really were an object. Maybe them craving abuse wasn't a symptom of trauma but something good. Maybe their idea of love would never change from a hand on their thigh.)

A nurse came in. To Remy she felt like a guardian angel "Visiting hours are over sir" Was all she said before leaving again.

Their dad stood up and ruffled their hair. They still couldn't breathe. Not when he touched them. "I'll come visit tomorrow again"

They looked at him as he walked out of the room just to make sure he really left. They waited 5 minutes before letting themself breathe again. One breathe turned into a choked back sob. Again. Again. Again. He was going to visit them again. They would have to go through it again. They would move back in with him and it would all happen all over again.

That word 'Again' continued to play over and over in the head as they took out the pencil sharpener from inside their pillow. As they took out the blade. As they sat down on the ground because they didn't want some poor soul to have to clean their bloody sheets later. As they pushed the cold blade down onto their skin. As they pushed and pushed until the first drop of blood dripped down their arm.

Again and again they moved the blade across their arms. Deeper and deeper. They pushed the wounds apart so more blood would come out. Their heart beat faster when they started to get lightheaded.

There was a knock on the door.

Remy panicked. It couldn't be their dad again. He would be so mad if he saw them cut. They cut faster. Faster and faster until it was hard to find patches of skin on their lower arms that hadn't been mutilated. They pushed the blade down against their thigh instead. Maybe if they cut the skin the memories of hands on them would disappear too.

Another knock. "Remy? Darling? It's Janus. I am so sorry I haven't visited sooner. I totally didn't have to hide from 3 nurses on my way here because apparently visiting hours are over. Is it alright if I open the door?"

There were spots in their vision. Their hands were shaking. They didn't want to see their dad again. They couldn't. Not again.

"...I was worried you didn't want to see me....I love you....I will come in. Tell me if I shouldn't"

The door was opening. Remy panicked. They slashed the blade across their neck. From the corner of their eye they saw Janus look at them with a horrified expression. They heard a scream as they fell down on the ground because they were too weak to sit up. They let the blade go. Blood was stilling dripping out of them.

"No..no..Remy" Janus sat down next to them. He took their head in his lap "HELP! Someone HELP!" There was already tears in his eyes.

Remy suddenly felt so tired it was hard to keep their eyes open "sor..sorry" They slurred out.

He held his hand to their cheek to make them look at him "I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. Just stay awake. Okay. Just stay awake. Please. HELP! It's okay. It'll be okay. It will all be okay as long as you stay awake" He lied.

"You..." Remy looked up at him. Looked at every inch of his face as if it was the first time they saw it. They wanted to remember how he looked for forever "You're so beautiful. I'm so...so..happy you..you'll be the last thing I see"

"Don't say that. Dont you fucking dare say stuff like that again" Sounds of nearing footsteps came from the hallway "Just stay awake. I love you. Please stay awake"

"I'm sorry" They held their hand on top of Janus', they never wanted to let go "It's all my fault"

Remy closed their eyes.