Ok I wrote this at 10 am after being awake for nearly 24 hours and this is one of the few times being tired led to me writing something good

Tw: Eating disorder(Ana), Corpse, Death mentions...like a lot....I had 1 metaphor for how an ed takes over your life and ran with it

A guided tour of suffering
To your left
Maybe on your right
Mayhaps even right in front of you
The sky is a vibrant lilac, it's 6 am, no soul should be awake yet, not on a day like this
There will be a small loaned room to be seen
The walls are beige, there's a bunk bed, in the top bed a man with round glasses and a infectious smile is sleeping
On the ground there will be another man, obssesivly doing situps
He is sweating
He is starving
He is rotting
Please do not mistake him for being alive, His expiration date for life passed a long time ago

Most people are afraid of death, understandibly so. Logan on the other hand was afraid of living, understandibly so. 

Dying is a lonely experience. Dying over and over every day without anyone seeing might just be lonelier. The only moment in the day when Logan for a moment wasn't dead was right in the morning. Right when he opens his eyes. When his mind is still foggy and in a landscape somewhere between dream and reality. Somewhere in that he mistakes himself for being alive.

Really Logan had aside from the small death every day died 3 times in his lifetime. Once when he was 9. Once when he was 20 (it was a slow death, like getting hypothermia but being warmed up in the last moment before getting hypothermia again, for tens and tens of times). Once when he was 25.

But this wasn't when he was 9 or 20 or 25 this was the present and the present happened to be the morning after a binge. A binge he'd shared with Patton. Let's say Logan didn't react well to binges to say the least, hence firts and foremost the situps. It's good that he's lost enough weight so parts of his muscle mass has disapeared or else the knowledge that situps just makes the muscle build up on top of the stomach fat would probably make him starve for days.

As if he wouldn't do that to get rid of the affects of the binge. The affects that only existed in his mind. Actually when starving binging every now and then is a good thing. The metabolism eventually gets used to starving and slows the weight loss but if you surprise the metabolism with a binge it will get scared and make you lose weight like normal again. Make that then go in a circle over and over forever (forever in this scenario being A. Till recovery or B. Till death)

After doing enough sit ups to get bruises on his spine for the next several days he was ready to start his day and to end another part of his life. First of the most important part of starving when around other people: Make everyone around you think you've eaten.

That's easy. Logan had simply woken up earlier than everyone else. He went into the kitchen and took out a bowl and a package of cereal. He carefully laid down a few (maybe 5 to 7) pieces of cereal down in his bowl before leaving the apartement.

He went out into the snow and laid enough cereal to fill a bowl directly down onto the snowdy ground. He covered the cereal up with some snow and hoped a hungry squirrel family would eat it.

He went back into the apartement and filled the nearly empty bowl with milk and took out a spoon. With a sigh he sat down in the uncomfortable ugly draped couch and turned on the tv. The average time to eat dinner is 9 minutes but this was cereal so let's say it usually takes 4 and a half minutes to eat.

Logan sat there and pretended to eat while watching the tv for 4 and a half minutes. The calculations of time was very important to him just like the exact count of calories in what he ate. It kept him in control (like a puppet getting a toy if it followed its masters obeys well enough)

Then he calmly went to the sink and let the milk disappear down the drain before putting the bowl right in the middle of the sink as if to say there I ate! Be proud of me now! Look at how healthy I am!

He went back to the sofa and waited for his friends to wake up and to hear what/where they were planning to eat lunch and subsequently make up a strategy to avoid it. Saying he ate while he was out walking always works. Dinner was trickier but saying that he'd already eaten 2 meals and couldn't eat 3 without having a panic attack should work.

While he writes down his calories so far in his calorie counting notebook let's circle back to the death thing. In the dictionary the definition of death is '4: the state of being no longer alive : the state of being dead'

Logan had wasted most of his life chasing after something that doesn't exists. He was currenly awaiting the day he gets a second organ failure so he can fullfill the other definition of death ('1a: a permanent cessation  of all vital functions') and get away from this disorder.

To be ruined can be a charity and suffering can be religious if you do it right.

And oh how Logan done it right. So right so he was dead (first definition not second). Was he still alive if most of his thoughts was about food? Was he still alive if he breathed, walked, and did everything to avoid food? Eating disorders don't allow you to have hobbies or have any time that wasn't in some way controlled by its presence. It's a parasite that hides as a symbiote and leaves you to die over and over in the name of 'perfection' until it actually kills you.

Looks like he's done with writing so far: Thursday.
Breakfast: Skipped, 0 cal
Lunch: 
Dinner:
exercise:                (He hoped to walk off at leats 850 cal)
Total:

He wrote these everyday. Usually they looked something like: Monday
Breakfast: Skipped, 0 cal
Lunch: 2 coca cola zero, 2 cal
Dinner: Noodle soup, 63 cal
exercise: Walking -375, Dancing -183
Total: -493 cal

There's a scene in the movie inception (and High school musical 2) where the walls begins to spin and the characters have to continue on walking on the spinning walls. That was what it was like walking while starving. His head was fuzzy and it felt like his eyes were going to pop out of his skull and everything was spinning, spinning, spinning. 

Logan experienced that as he stood up and his entire sight darkened for a moment (Because of low iron). As he opened the door to the small bathroom a horrible stench hit him. He looked into the room and found his mother's corpse laying inside. Her eyes were half open and bloodshot. There was a mix of blood and vomit running out of her mouth which had formed a small puddle around her.

Logan stepped over her without a second thought. She wasn't real after all. The memory of her corpse had burned itself onto the back of his eyelids and was haunting him forever and always. He saw her every day, every day since he was 9 and died for the first time along with her.

When he looked into the mirror to inspect his own corpse which he called his body he was disappointed that he still hadn't gotten the nonexistent body his anorexia had promised him. It'd promised so much and hadn't done any of it.

He'd inherited his father's sad eyes and his mother's leather like skin. It was like his genes had a rose's thorns on them.

While he was busy brushing his teeth and combing his dark blue dyed hair he heard low humming coming closer until the door slammed open and Roman danced in. He let out a stratled squeal and jumped back when he saw Lo.

"Holy prince Erik you scared me like a swan scares their victims" Roman sighed dramatically "You look like absolute garbage by the way"

"Thanks. You too"

The moment he saw Roman the room seemed the shift. It felt lighter and the colors seemed brighter. The corpse on the floor was gone. It was nice.

The prince swiftly changed from his pyjamas to his day clothes (red jacket, white jeans) "I woke up early to make breakfast. Shall I make you some or?"

"I've already eaten" He lied "Check the sink, my plate is there and the food is in my belly"

Roman crossed his arms and leaned against the wall "We're ana buddies. Do you think I'm an idiot-"

"Yes"

"I...okay. I've probably used the exact same tactics as you so how about you stop lying since it's not like I will force you to eat either way" He shifted slightly while frowning at how harsh his words sounded "Just....maybe...try to get something in you?"

Logan fished out a pack of cigarettes out of his pants pocket and lit one "Good to know I don't have to lie around you at least" He said after taking a drag. Nicotine makes you feel less hungry hence him and Remy both smoking an unhealthy amount to replace meals.

"Okay but you're eating something tomorrow before we leave" Roman replied triumphantly as if he'd said something smart.

"Binged last night"

"You're eating something before the end of this week then and don't go on a liquid fast you moron"

"That seems reasonable. I'll see about it"

 As Logan walked past him he frowned at the fact that the other man's arm was clearly skinnier than his. Being jealous of people with eating disorders, illnesses or literal children always made him feel disgusted at himself. Just like how he got mad at himself when he felt superior over fat people (which did include Pat, Jan and Viv). It wasn't him. he swore it wasn't. He simply couldn't control it but he couldn't fully distiungish the ana part of him and the pieces of the real him still clambering on either.

"It's so irritating that you weigh less than I ever had even though you're taller than me" Roman mumbled while taking out food from the refrigirator.

"I'm also 7 years older than you so don't feel irritated until you're also 28 and still weigh more than me" Logan finished the cigarette before going to help him cook breakfast.

"Oh hell no. I could not take 7 more years of this" They both chuckled a short quiet kind of chuckle.

Roman put on some Disney music and let Lo use one of his headphone buds. Since he didn't Want to wake the other two he quietly hummed along and wiggled his shoulders instead of dramatically belting it out.

"I don't understand why you are so invested in this" Logan muttered while cracking eggs into The pan which was just as deadpan as his tone "It's all fictional"

"It can still inspire people to make stuff or-" He sang along to the Hercules song "Go the distance"

Logan nodded and the pieces clicked "Ah! Make stuff. Remus told me about that" He fished around in his pockets after his vocab cards and took one out "Smut: The act of getting inspired and writing and or reading about your favorite characters having hardcore s*x" He read aloud (The duke had written it for him).

"That......that...isn't what i meant but I guess it's an example of getting inspired..yes"

"Yes he showed me a very educational example so I could understand the word better. It was apparently about that musical you two seem to like so much the...the...sanders sides musical"

Roman stared at him so much it looked like his eyes would pop out of his skull "HE ACTUALLY READ THAT??? I THOUGHT HE WAS JOKING!!"

A few seconds later a pillow was agressivly thrown at Roman's head from a tired and yawning Virgil who leaned against the wall. He rubbed his eyes but that only worsneded the smudged out eyeliner who hid his dark eyebags. His purple dyed hair was a mess and he didn't even try to fix it.

He simply went up to the prince and frowned at him "Your loud chatter woke me. Fuck you"

"Aww weren't you the one who so eagerly wanted me to help you skii yesterday, such sudden hatred!" He replied with a confident smile.

"Fuck you...I'm too tired to come up with anything better which is your fault. Now where is the coffee?" The emo groaned out while pulling his hoodie up and slamming his face down into the kitchen table kinda thing so he looked like a big puff of clothes.

"I only ever drink green tea so I haven't put any coffee on" Roman used to drink 5 to 8 cups of green tea per day because the proana and thinspo blogs he followed said they were good for weight loss and everything those blogs said were blashphemy to him (Yes he had tried to eat cotton just like they advised). Now a days he only drank 2 cups.

Virgil started the coffe machine while muttering "Where the fuck is fucking Remy when you need them??"

"In your wet dreams honey!" Remy slurred out while getting dragged in by Remus through the door. They were legally obglied to only ever come in when it was dramatic.

Actually Remus was not only dragging them but also Janus in through the door which he'd just now picked open. Both his partners had sunglasses on and looked dead on the inside. The duke had woken up (calmed Jan down) and felt hungry so he hadn't even bothered to change clothes before forcing his partners with him to breakfast. Thankfully he slept in his boxers whenever Jan was near so he hadn't barged in conpletely nude.

"These lovely bitches" Remus pointed at his partners "Are hungover as fuck so treat them with care. They're fragile"

Remy nodded along while leaning against their boyfriend "Is there any like booze here? I mean if I get drunk I can't be hungover no more"

"That would onlymake it worse once you start sobering up" Roman replied while putting the last of the newly cooked food on the table.

"Then I never sober up ever again"

"That would kill your liver" Lo pointed out.

"Good"

"Not good!!!" Remus hugged them tightly while pouting.

"Yes good" They reitirated with a smug look.

He made puppy eyes while shaking them around. He opened his mouth and was about to let out a loud scream of NOOOO but Roman covered his mouth before he could do it.

"Padre is still sleeping" 

Remus immediatly closed his mouth. Patton was his dad, he would not disrespect him by screeching like a banshee. 

Janus let go of his boyfriend's hand and started to pretty much sleepwalk towards the couch. Halfway there he was stopped by Roman grabbing his hand "You don't have eat but at least sit by the table during breakfast" The prince said.

He stared up at him with squinting eyes before biting his thumb to make him let go of his wrist. He hid down under the blanket and became a couch noodle.

"Give him a break bro-bitch" Remus whispered to his twin "I woke up to him having a panic attack over drinking too many calories last night"

Ro reminded himself to give Jan a hug later even if he got bit again because of it "He'll be alright right?"

"Yeah, I'll just cuddle him till he feels better" he rubbed his stinky goblin hands together "But first food!!"

"Do you really deserve food if you've read sanders sides the musical smut" Roman teased with a smile.

"I was a teenager when I did but you know what?" He leaned closer "I don't regret it. Damian with his half lizard face is fucking sexy" He did a dramatic turn around to show that he'd made his statement.

The duke sat down by the table and was very focused on not letting any of the different type of food touch each other. It was a routine of his. To first organize them and then mash them together and eat. If he didn't follow his routine he felt blurry for the rest of the day.

Remy sat down in his lap and snuggled up against his chest. They ate 2 ricecakes(70 cal) and had a mini fight with Virgil on which one of them could drink the most coffee in the shortest amount of time.

"Gals gals omg the dream I had last night. I was like Marilyn Monroe in that one scene where all the nice men in suits gather around her and give her jewelries and lowkey worship her and like I have never wished I wouldn't wake up from a dream that much" Remy rambled out while sipping on their seventh cup of coffee.

"Aren't I good enough for you??" Remus asked. He patted his mustache to really show that he was great.

"You are but I deserve more y'know. Like I like deserve to be Marina in that one music video where she is in a cute outfit in a shower with like a dozen gorgeous male models and they all have these tiny like underwear and they dance and laugh and in my french vanilla fantasy we would all make out and aaaahhhhhh" They were really close to having a gay attack.

"That Marilyn Monroe thing is made out of materialism and capitalism and therefore we should all burn it" Janus muttered from the couch.

"Fuck no! It's my faboulous fag fantasy" Remy shot back.

"Isn't it more likely that you are changeling a fantasy where you are adored by many since you're actual self worth is so low you need other people to fill that hole via love which because of society more often dissolve into lust alone" Logan said casually before downing an entire glass of water to trick his stomach into thinking he'd eaten and was full.

Remy stared at him since what he'd said had been very not casual to them but before they could cover the kind of serious remark up with a joke Remus cut in

"Aren't poly couples just relationship communism?" He looked down into the table as if he was seriously asking it "Sorry mentioning capitalism made my brain immediatly jump to communism"

"A completely logical and normal thought process yes" Logan mumbled sarcastically. Remus couldn't tell the difference between sarcasm and seriousness though so he shone up into a proud smile over Lo thinking something he said was smart!

"Ay ay comrade!" Janus exclaimed from the couch.

Before they could break out into pretending to be evil russians plotting to take over the skii restort a quiet yawn came from the doorway. Patton still had on his cat onsie and looked half asleep as he tiredly rubbed his eyes.

A wave of Dad! and Padre! came from the rest of the group. His kiddos quickly got up to hug him goodmorning. Even Janus did though he looked pissed off the entire time since he had a hard time showing affection.

Logan was the only one who stayed sitting. He was busy reading the newspaper like a true dad....actually he'd accidentally been called mom by Viv, Jan and Ro so maybe like a true mom. It came from him being older and being best friends with the dad guy he supposed.

"G'morning Lo-ssoraptus awesome" Patton yawned out while wrapping his arms around Logan's shoulders "That's your dinosaur name"

"Goodmorning to you too. That is not how dinosaur names work but sure"

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes. A bowl of cereal" he lied.

"Promise?"

"I promise"

Patton pressed a kiss to his cheek "Then I believe you" He too lied.

Pat sat down by the table and talked with his kiddos and looked happy. He wasn't. He was worried about Logan first and foremost. But when was he not honestly. And second the anger at himself for letting himself binge last night was weighing down on him like dirt weighs down on a person buried alive. but he didn't let anyone know that. He stayed there pretending to be happy. 

Logan stayed at the table until everyone had finished and gone to gotten prepared to go out and skii and for a moment not be engulfed by their disorder while he would do nothing but listen to it the entire day. By the end of the day his calorie notes would look like this:
Monday
Breakfast: Skipped, 0 cal
Lunch: Skipped, 0 cal
Dinner: Skipped, 0 cal
exercise: -823 cal walking
total: -823
Could be better, Could always be better