24th August 1991 – Mannheim, Germany

I had never been so anxious about being away from home before. It was an unsettling feeling, and being a little bit homesick didn't help, and my uneasiness would soon grow to such an uncomfortable level it would end up causing me to snap. I had been in Europe for about two weeks, and being away from Mel and Ripley was slowly destroying me. Ripley had only just survived her poisoning, thank god; if Mel had taken her to the vet any later, Ripley would not have made it.

She was in a very delicate state, we had to feed her a strict diet of low fat and low protein meals, as well as forcing her to swallow special antioxidant vitamins to assist her organs to repair after the damage they went through. It was almost like looking after a baby, or a really old person, at least that's what it felt like. The day we were able to bring Ripley home was an emotional one, Mel cried with joy and sadness when we finally had her back in our house, seeing her curled up on her dog bed. I will admit I let out a few tears but I tried my best to contain them as much as possible. Ripley almost looked at us in the same loving way, but you could see the exhaustion in her eyes which just made me crumble inside. She slept more than usual and wasn't as energetic, but the vet warned us that that would be the case for at least a week or so.

Mel tried to reassure me that she would be fine without me while I'd be away overseas, I mean I wouldn't be gone for that long, but it was long enough for me to stress about her and the dog. I knew Mel would be perfectly capable without me hanging around, but with the then-current circumstances, I wasn't keen on being away from her. She had organised many catch-ups with Deborah, and her parents were going to fly in from their home in Australia to live with her while I was away.

"We're still getting here way too fuckin' early," Matt laughed sarcastically, breaking me out of my thought process, as he drummed away on a cushioned chair.

I tore my eyes away from the blur of his drumsticks and stared up at the clock on the wall in our backstage dressing room. I exhaled the smoke of my nervous cigarette as it almost created a temporary shield between myself and Matt, and I responded with a scoff. Before you get angry, I had been very good, thank you very much, at cutting down on my smoking, but when stressful things happened eg. Axl showing up late, I always caved into temptation.

Nine Inch Nails had finished their set over an hour ago, and as the time passed the crowd got more agitated. They grew louder and louder as they chanted away, and we got more and more anxious as the minutes ticked over. None of us mentioned it, but we were all thinking it; please don't let this be St. Louis 2.0.

Duff and Slash sat slumped on the couch in the corner of the room, both of them holding a bottle of straight liquor and a cigarette, as they stared anxiously at the wall closest to them. Matt continued to warm up and drum away on his chair, every now and then I saw his gaze move up to the clock then back down to his hands. Dizzy kept to himself as he peacefully read some rock music magazine, and I leaned against the small kitchenette sink, powering through my pack of cigarettes.

"You ready to go?" A familiar voice boomed from behind us.

Axl suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and he made zero effort to apologise to us; he just glided past our door and made his way towards the stage. Alan, our manager, was shuffling behind him and he looked at us sheepishly.

"Axl has just been working with his vocal coach back at the hotel, but he's ready to go now."

I heard Matt mutter some profanities under his breath, whereas the rest of the guys quietly sighed in disappointment. The joy of performing for thousands of fans every night was quickly being taken away from us. It's hard for me to hate on Axl due to our history together, and I knew he had demons he battled with, but it still baffled me how he never seemed to care that he was letting us and our fans down and that he was draining us physically and mentally.

We made our way to the stage and all the guys' body language changed around me; almost like they were inflating themselves and really preparing to be in front of just, you know, a few thousand people. I usually have a pep talk monologue running through my head before most shows, especially on that walk up the ramp towards the stage, but this time I felt almost too exhausted to even think. My body felt limp and tired, and my shoulders were low and I felt myself hunch more and more as the stage got closer. Come on, man, stand the fuck up. Just play this show. Straighten up!

The lights around us dimmed, the crowd roared, some random roadie slung my guitar over my fatigued body, and Axl's all too familiar screech "Do you know where you are?" echoed through the speakers. Finally, it was showtime. If we can just keep playing, we can be out of here in about two hours, and we can go home without a problem. Just keep playing, just keep moving, just keep singing.

Almost from the get-go, I could tell Axl's vibe was off, it was almost like he was going through the motions, very much how I also felt at the time. I was planning to quickly talk to him between songs, just a little 'inspo' to keep doing a great job or some shit like that. I thought if I could get his mood to lighten up slightly, I would feel better too and we could all just play comfortably and finish the show without a hiccup.

We had just finished our fourth song into the show, and I made a beeline straight for Axl. Different sentences flickered through my mind like a hummingbird's wings, one thought came to a stop and I was ready to blurt it out to Axl, but as soon as I finally got close to him, he immediately dodged me.

"Let's do Live and Let Die," he yelled, and he sprinted to the very front of the stage.

Well, he can obviously smell my dorky pep talk bubbling in my mind. Idiot. You scared him off. We played the song, it was nothing special, we did nothing different, Axl walked/ran around the stage while he sang, but it was becoming more and more obvious he was still just going through the motions. I like to pretend that I think I saw something fly across the stage at Axl, simply to make myself feel better in the sense he had some excuse to get angry, but I really can't trust my brain. Just as we finished the song, Axl yelled out.

"Thanks a lot!" he yelled as he carelessly dropped his microphone, letting it crash on the ground.

Immediate panic hit me; it was like my insides sunk and dropped down to my feet. Surely, he's just getting a new microphone, right? The crowd didn't catch on straight away, and they still cheered away, eagerly waiting for us to play the new notes of the next song. I stared at the back of Axl's shiny redhead as it disappeared into the darkness off the stage. This doesn't look promising. Almost immediately after he disappeared, the stage lights went straight to black, and I tried my best to find the first bandmate I could run into. My hands found a long noodle arm and straight away I knew I had found Duff.

"What the fuck, man?" I whispered.

"I dunno, man, Axl's fuckin' mad."

"We've just got some mic problems and we just need to change guitars." Slash effortlessly mumbled into Axl's mic, and straight after he spoke, he copied Axl and dumped the mic back on the stage floor.

My eyes managed to adjust to the darkness, I took off my guitar, rested it against an amp, and ran backstage following in Axl's footsteps. I weaved through the backstage walkways, trying my best to find Axl who almost seemed like he vanished into thin air. I took a sharp right turn and crash into our manager.

"Don't be mad, Axl's just finding his limo."

"Why the fuck does he need his limo? We've just started our show?" I yelled into his face.

I heard Matt's heavy footsteps thud behind me, and he must have heard our mini exchange of words.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Get him back on-fucking-stage!" Matt boomed over my shoulder.

"Guys, it's fine, we'll just find him." Duff slurred as he tried to keep us calm.

"I don't fucking believe this! Where the fuck is he?" Matt was absolutely fuming.

"He just needs to get something out of his car, he'll come straight back," Alan replied in his professional manner.

We nervously formed a circle as we hung out in the hallway, anxiously waiting for him to return. I reached into my jean pocket, so happy to find a squished-up packet of cigarettes with one lucky last stick left, ready to fill my lungs with smoke.

"I'll fuckin' kill him! We got thousands of people out there wanting to know where we are!" Matt was so furious; I could see a bulging vein suddenly appear on his forehead.

"Matt, it's okay, he might come back?" Poor Duff said trying his best to be positive in this highly stressful situation.

"Guys it's fine, he's back, see?" Slash sighed as he pointed off down the backstage hallway.

There was Axl casually strolling with a towel around his neck and a bottle of water in his hand. His face was expressionless as he made his way towards us. At that moment, I calmed down immensely. Okay, he's actually coming back, we can go back on stage and get this show over and done with.

"You fucking idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not a rehearsal, you can't just fuck off and have a break when you "feel" like it!" Matt boomed, almost hurting my ears. "Get back onstage!"

Immediately the situation became worse; Slash jumped in between the two trying to stop Axl from swinging punches, Axl's mouth let fly like an angry sailor, and the only words I was able to work out were things like "how dare you", "you fuckhead" and "fuck off", and within seconds, Axl's security came into action pulling Matt off Axl. Axl stormed off, stomping towards the exit at the end of the hallway with his muscley bodyguards, Matt was puffing heavily while Slash tried to calm him down. After the commotion calmed down, the noise from the crowd outside gradually became louder. These people are waiting, the lights have been dimmed for a while now, and Axl has officially fucked off; The St. Louis flashbacks filled my head thick and fast, and I became more aware of how quickly time was ticking away. I barely had a moment to digest the fight that happened before me and the noise that came from outside, when some of the stadium's workers approached us with their chest's puffed out.

"We're closing all exits to the stadium," one man said with a thick German accent, "we know about St. Louis and we indent on not letting that happen here. We're going to notify your lead singer too." It was almost like they paused for dramatic effect before marching off down the hallway.

"That's not going to end well," Slash mumbled as he lit a cigarette he seemed to pull out of nowhere.

I have to admit, the thoughts going through my head at that moment were not great. I imagined the stadium getting pulled apart by angry fans, people getting trampled, and the crowd being even angrier after finding out all the exits would be shut. Equipment being destroyed, the stage being pulled down, and us cowering backstage in some little panic room, meanwhile, Axl would be trying to fight anyone who came his way... what an image.

This is it, we're all going to die.

After what felt like hours of us standing there awkwardly, pacing around in circles, and hearing the crowd call out for us, I saw something I would have never expected that night.

Axl.

Coming back.

Walking towards us.

Expression surprisingly not angry.

"I'm not that keen on being arrested so let's finish this show." Axl sounded like he was joking, but I'm sure it was laced with truth.

He glided past us as nothing had even happened as he made his way towards the side entrance to the stage. The guys and I stared at each other like stunned mullets for a moment, before our butts were kicked into gear and we all ran towards the stage, just like Axl.

The lights turned on bright when we strolled on stage, which blinded us all, but they were soon changed to an ambient blue mood. The crowd was deafening, but they all sounded so relieved from their cheers. I locked my eyes onto Axl while I got ready to perform; a stagehand handed me my guitar and as I got used to its weight hanging on my body, Axl made his way around and whispered something into the guys' ear.

"Civil War", Axl muttered once he reached me, his body language almost embarrassed like he realised he had just put us through half an hour of severe anxiety.

Slash played the first few chords of the song, and we were finally off. The crowd cheered and my brain switched in "concert mode", as we played the rest of the concert for nearly 2 hours. It ended up being a really great show, the crowd was forgiving, Axl was on point with his showmanship, Matt's drumming was great and everyone really clicked into place. For a moment, I was happy. This is what I wanted; A great show with great energy, but I knew it wasn't a reality. We were falling apart and especially after going through what we did that night I really felt a part of me break away. I felt so exhausted at the end of the show, not even my happy emotions could distract me for a moment. As the lights dimmed, and we finished bowing to the audience, I didn't even bother saying goodbye to the guys. I walked off, immediately breaking away from the guys and made my way to the first exit I could find. I heard Duff call out for me but I was in no mood to look behind me. I seriously thought as I walked through the fluorescently lit hallways how long I could keep going on like that. Being in a band that, in my eyes, wasn't really a band anymore.

This shit can't keep happening, or if it does, that's it – I'm gone.

~

Pls don't hate me for being so lazy with updating! I'm back though now, and hopefully will kick my butt into gear to update more regularly!  Hope everyone's Xmas and New Years was okay, and here's to 2021 hopefully being a better year! Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoyed it! Don't forget to vote and comment xx