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CHAPTER ELEVEN
"professional basket case"
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TRIGGER WARNING: y'all know motel california. in case you don't, and are just reading because you have a crush on alexa demie (valid): warning for mentions and depictions of suicide.

 IF ALLISON AND LYDIA COULD tell that something changed when Lex and Stiles entered their room minutes later, they didn't let on. Lex herself wasn't even sure if something changed, or if they had just reverted. Back to past, back to some form of normal. Still, when she saw Allison, her stomach still twisted. 

 Her mind had her in a chokehold. Still, a part of her was more frustrated at herself than her circumstance. She had forgotten a pivotal aspect of her relationship with Scott: that it wasn't real. Sure, maybe she had feelings for him, but it was her manipulative nature that helped her get close to him in the first place, and it was pure, unpredictable circumstance that drew her deeper in. At the end of the day, there was only one fact:

 Scott loved Allison.

 And Lex wished that the supernatural would make that easier to process, but it really just made it all the more convoluted in her mind. 

 "Something is wrong with Scott." Was the first thing that Allison said, and it almost made Lex laugh. The brunette was trying to catch her eye, but Lex was making a point to pick at her un-manicured nails. Sure, she could own up to her past; but at this point Lex was pretty sure that being a least a little bit bitchy was inscribed in her genetics. "He came into my room while I was in the shower, and he... he seemed like he wasn't in control of himself."

 Lex tilted her head to the side. "He seemed fine at the bus."

 "Yeah, in werewolf years that was like ten hours ago." Stiles retorted, crossing his arms. "And he was off with me too..." the raven-haired boy tapped his foot against the ground, before turning to face Lex with a crease between his eyebrows. "But you know, it was Boyd who was actually off."

 Lex raised her eyebrows. "What happened with hot-Boyd?"

"I watched him put his fist through the vending machine."

 The room fell into silence for a few moments, before Lex broke it with a loud exhale. "Maybe he was just really hungry?"

 Stiles snorted right as Lydia shot Lex a sharp look. "See?" She demanded, gesturing to the room with frantic motions. "It is the motel! Either we have to get out of here now-" she stalked over to the bedside table and pulled out a leather-bound Bible; "-or someone needs to learn how to do an exorcism ASAP before the werewolves go crazy and kill us."

 Lex actually had seen several excorcisms performed in her life by her overly-religious latin grandmother, but she figured that mentioning that right now would do more harm than good.  Instead, she settled with wringing her fingers together to help deplete some of the anxiety building in her palms. She swallowed as Stiles said; "what if it's not just the motel? The number went up by three, right?"

 Allison's voice was tentative, "you mean like, three sacrifices?"

 "What if this time, it's three werewolves?"

 Lex dug her nails into her palms. "What I'm not getting is how that number even changed." She said, lightly hitting Stiles's arm to gain his attention. "Was it ghosts?"

 The boy shrugged, "I mean, I wouldn't discount it."

 Lex ran a hand through her hair. She was having a difficult time comprehending all of this new information. In fact, she only knew three things for certain:

 One: they were staying in a suicide hotel (which, let's be honest, wasn't completing unexpected giving the establishment's interior design).

Two: the werewolves were all acting like they just did a line of cocaine. Lex wasn't sure if this was normal, but based on her prior experience it seemed to happen more often than not. Still, she was worried. Suicide hotel was one thing, but suicide hotel that could somehow be manipulating her friends? It all seemed too horror-movie-esque, and Lex didn't like it one bit.

 Three: she didn't know where Scott was. And she didn't care about their stupid fake-relationship drama. All she cared about was making sure he was in one piece. She wasn't sure why - she could very well be mauled being within his vicinity for three seconds - but she wanted to help. She was done being useless.

 Even if she knew those three things, not a single one of them helped her. She glanced around the room, goosebumps rising on her arms. She felt as if she was being watched, and there was no feeling she hated more. Still, as she was examining the room, something caught her eye. 

 "Hey, let me see that-" she reached forward and grabbed the bible from Lydia's hand. Ignoring the protest from the other girl, she flipped it open to the spot where she could see pages poking through. They were yellow with age, and seemed to be old excerpts from newspaper articles. "Twenty eight year old man hangs himself at the infamous Glen Capri," she announced, suppressing a grimace. She handed the paper to Stiles, seeing two more nestled in the spine of the book. "And apparently he wasn't the only one."

Stiles leaned over her shoulder, gesturing at the bulky headlines. "Those two both mention room two-seventeen."

"Great public advertising, huh?"

 The boy shrugged. "Well, if every room has a Bible..."

 Lex snapped the book shut, tossing it onto the bed. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, wondering if she should be able to feel anything different in the presence of past deaths. Instead, all she felt was crippling unease. She opened her eyes, "could there be articles in every room?"

  The two shared a look, and Lex was sure they were thinking the same thing. Stiles scoffed, running a hand through his unruly hair. "That's a beautiful thing. Most places leave a mint under the pillow, this one leaves a record of all the horrible deaths that have occured."

Lydia was already pushing past them, shouting behind her as she did: "what if the one next door has the one about the couple?"

Lex whirled around, almost losing her balance in an effort to follow the redhead. Before she reached the door, she paused and grabbed onto Stiles's arm. "Stiles-"

 The boy turned, his eyes widening slightly as he leaned down, "hm?"

 "Three extra numbers on the poll counting deaths, three werewolves..." she swallowed, and could picture the blood draining out of her cheeks. "That doesn't... does that-?"

 He cut her off. "They'll be fine."

 "But the numbers-"

 "Riv, let me give you a lesson in all of this shit," he said, grabbing both of her arms and shaking her slightly. "Crap like this happens all the time, and most of the time, it ends up with someone getting punched in the face. Sometimes a like... broken bone or gunshot wound."

 Lex's eyes widened, "gunshot wound?"

"That only happened like, once." He defended, shaking her again. "Moral of the story, werewolves heal very easily. It wouldn't be like if I were to stab you right now."

 She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, "you would trip and stab yourself." 

"That's the s-" the boy began, but before the sentence could fully make it past his lips, a loud whirring sound from the room over made Lex jump. She clutched a hand over her heart, her stomach lurching at the sudden noise. 

 "Jesus! What was-"

 "Shit-" Stiles turned and sprinted from the room, Lex hot on his heels. The two skidded to a stop outside of the next room over, where Lydia was banging on the door. "You guys can hear that right?"

 Lex held her hands over her ears. Not because it was particularly loud, but because she didn't want to think about what a saw could be used for at that moment. That's what it was, right? A saw? It certainly sounded like it-

 She pushed past Lydia and jangled the knob, stepping back and holding her hands out. Stiles cracked his knuckles. "I'll break the door down."

 "No-" Lex shoved him to the side. "I'll break the door down."

 Before a fight could ensue, a loud bang resonated through the hallway as Allison smashed her foot against the door, the lock swinging open as the wood smashed against the wall inside. Under regular cirumstances, Lex would have taken a moment to gape at that; but she found herself sprinting inside before she was given the chance. What she saw made her throat turn completely dry, and she gasped; holding her hands out. "Ethan, stop!"

 She wasn't sure if it was the terror in her voice or the shock of another person entering the room, but the werewolf turned toward her. He seemed completely human in that moment, his skin glistening with sweat as he held a handsaw toward his chest. Lex could have thrown up in that moment - in fact, she almost did. But she swallowed forcefully and sprinted toward the boy, grabbing tne handle of the saw and pulling it away from him. 

 The action seemed to break whatever time-lapse they were previously in; as Ethan's eyes burned red as he leaned forward. Fangs portruded from his mouth as he growled directly in Lex's face; his breath blowing her hair back. The girl grimaced, shutting her eyes against her better judgment. The buzz of the saw against her palm was what reminded her of the situation - that and Stiles's aggressively loud voice.

 "ETHAN!" He yelled, surging forward to grab the boy's arms, managing to pull him back far enough so that Lex could yank the saw from his grip. Lydia and Allison knelt down to help Stiles calm down the werewolf as Lex furiously flipped the saw off and threw it against the wall.

 Lydia yelled something ineligible as Ethan's nails grew into sharp claws. He moved as if he was trying to tear into his own stomach, and Lex threw herself directly on top of him, pinning his wrists back as Lydia pressed her entire weight on his arm; Stiles doing the same on the other side. Lex panted, unable to see past her own hair, and yelled out an erratic; "quit it you dumb fuck!"

 The force of her weight pushed the boy back a few inches, far enough for his neck to graze the side of the radiator mounted on the far wall. He howled in pain, jerking forward and nearly crushing Lex under his weight as he lurched away from the heat. 

 The girl groaned, pushing him to the side as the boy panted erratically, his eyes screwed shut in pain. "Stilinski! A hand!"

 "Right-" Stiles ran over, nearly tripping over Ethan's splayed out legs as he hauled the boy onto his back, allowing Lex to stagger to her feet. She put a hand to her chest, her face hot and bright red as she stared down at the boy. She turned, scooping up the handsaw and holding it away from her; as if it would turn on and try to cut into her chest too.  

 The two dark-haired teens stared at each other for a second, unsure of what to do. They weren't given much time to mull over it, as Ethan jumped to his feet. Lex grimaced, turning away to shield the saw with her body - but the boy paid her no mind. He stormed right past her, out the gaping door. 

 Lex threw the saw to the side, running after him. "Ethan!" 

 "God!" Stiles groaned, following close behind her. "How do people get any sleep in this place?"

 Lex huffed, "the walls are probably well insulated."

 The two burst through the main doors of the motel, Stiles calling out Ethan's name as he spotted him standing on the pavement; leaning his head back as if he was struggling to breathe. Lex felt Allison's presence behind her, and the two girls turned to share a look. Even if Allison was better versed in the supernatural, this was obviously new for both of them. Lydia's face was so pale she may as well have been a ghost, and she clutched onto Lex's forearm when she appeared beside her. "I told you." She said, her voice shaky. "Something's wrong. Very wrong."

 Lex calmly patted her arm. "No shit."

 Stiles turned to the girls, seemingly unsure of what to do. He gestured to Ethan, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Okay, Riv, you're up."

 Lex scrunched up her nose, keeping her eyes firmly planted on Ethan's back. "Me? Why me? I don't wanna go over there, I'll contract rabies."

 Stiles rolled his eyes, "well something's obviously wrong with him, and -"

 "I can hear you." The boy announced, his sharp voice cutting into the quiet of the night. The four teens froze, sharing tentative glances as the werewolf turned, scowling at them as if they were the ones who just caused him emotional trauma. "There's nothing wrong with me. I didn't do it on purpose. I -" he grimaced, putting a hand to his head as if he had a headache. "-I don't remember. How I got there, how it happened... I don't remember."

 "You woke up when we hit you?" Lydia asked, and the boy frowned.

 "I don't know," his voice was sharp, and an uneasy feeling crawled over Lex's skin when his gaze turned to her. "I don't know. Didn't you hear what I just said? I don't know how I got there, or what I was doing."

"Okay, you could be a little more helpful, you know." Stiles chided, "we did just save your life."

 The boy turned to him, his eyes narrowed into slits. Lex thought he did look dangerous ( of course he did, he was a super-powered werewolf in his physical prime ); but moreso, she thought that he looked scared. She could tell. His face was pale, and his hands were just barely shaking before he clenched them into fists. His eyes kept darting in between the four of them, as if at any second one would flip a switch that made him want to tear his chest open. He took a step away, and Lex resisted the urge to reach out to follow him. He shouldn't be alone right now. Not after that. 

 But she knew she couldn't hold him back if she tried, as he muttered one last chilling sentence before turning to run away from them; back to a solitude that could only bring fear.

 "And you probably shouldn't have."

 ***

 LEX BIT HER NAILS. 

 She knew she shouldn't. It was a terrible habit - one that her mother drilled out of her using foul-tasting nail polish and a hawk's eye. She was incredibly attentive to her daughters small idiosyncrasies; leaving her completely oblivious to Lex as a whole. The thought almost made her roll her eyes, the girl glancing over her shoulder as a chill rose up her shoulderblades. Of course she was thinking of her mother right now. She would probably shake her head at her daughter's shaking shoulders; a scowl on her face. "Maybe if you didn't run away in the first place, you'd know where he is..."

 Of course that was at the forefront of her mind. Lex couldn't get Scott out of her head. Sure, he was with Allison. Whatever. Who gives a shit? Not her. She just cared that he was okay. Perhaps asleep somewhere, or hiding. Not scared, not cutting into his chest with a handsaw...

 She grimaced, leaning her head down to her knees. The four were sitting on the curb, unsure where to start unraveling the mess in front of them. Lex was sandwiched between Stiles and Allison, the former who caught her distressed movements and gently patted her back. Another action so weird it made the situation feel unreal. 

Lydia broke the silence, the only one still standing; pacing back and forth like a drill sergeant. "What now?" She demanded, her red hair messy and her mascara smudged under her eyes. Lex was sure she didn't look much better; also she did have the good judgment to wipe her mascara off after Vin pointed out how it looked as if she'd been crying. 

 "I'll find Scott-" Allison began, and Lex's eyes darted over to her, her mouth opened to object. The girl cut her off by grabbing onto her wrist, "we'll find Scott." She corrected, and Lex felt her face flush - half in annoyance, half in embarrassment. "You guys find Isaac and Boyd. The best thing we can do is get them out of this place."

 "And take them where?" Lex demanded, "do you have some special middle-of-nowhere chalet we can bunker down in?" 

 The girl was apparently used to Lex's attitude by now, as she just shook her head. "Anywhere is better than here."

 "What?" Lydia's sharp voice cut in, and when Lex glanced at him, Stiles had an embarassed look on his face. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

The boy glanced at Lex, as if for assistance, but she just shrugged. She didn't know why Stiles was giving Lydia weird looks - it was probably some side effect of having a crush on her for five and a half years. Any distraction was welcome - Lex couldn't think Scott's name without her stomach twisting into a painful knot. 

 The raven-haired boy cleared his throat. "It's just... well, alright Lydia, I didn't want to say anything, but this?" He gestured to the motel, "everything we're going through? We've kinda been through something like this before."

Lex was sure her confused face mirrored Lydia's. "What do mean? When?"

 Stiles glanced at Lex again, and she frowned, pursing her lips. She didn't know what he was talking about - she only learned about werewolves last week. He huffed in exasperation, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was embarrassed to bring the subject up. "Your birthday party." He finally said, "the night you poisoned everyone with wolfsbane."

 An uncomfortable silence fell over the group. Lex turned to shoot a look at Allison; but from the look on her face, she seemed to know exactly what the boy was referring to. Lex counted to ten, before clearing her throat. "Hello? I don't seem to recall this?"

 "You weren't there." Stiles said, seeming grateful for an excuse to look away from Lydia. "You had practice. I remember because it was the same day you kicked a lacrosse ball at me and it hit me in the-"

 "You think I'm doing this?" Lydia demanded, her cheeks turning pink. Stiles's hands flew up.

 "No! No, I don't - I didn't-"

 "Well, that's our cue." Lex rose to her feet, Allison following suit. The latina shot Stiles a look, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "You've always had a way with words, Stilinski. Please try to save Isaac and hot-Boyd."

 The boy scowled at her, "yeah, try to save Scott. It would be appreciated."

 "Whatever," she flicked his forehead as she walked past, Allison following close behind. The pair walked to the door, panic seizing Lex's chest once again as soon as they stepped foot back into the decrepit lobby. She realized how much easier this would be if she was with Stiles - maybe she could trade Lydia, they'd both be happier that way anyway... 

 "Lex, I know this is a bad time, but we do need to talk and it's important."

 Ugh, right. Allison thinks Lex and Scott are in some exclusive relationship, and that would directly equate to her completely walking in on him cheating on her. Oops... awkward! 

 It took her a second to think of a way to get out of this. There were two routes she could take:

1. Just fully delve into the whole "werewolf" aspect of things, and act like everything Allison was saying was totally scientifically accepted. She would nod, say "yeah" a lot, and then thank the girl for being so good at explaining this world to her. Essentially, play dumb.

2. Act like she doesn't care, and have Allison think that she is the kind of girl whose boyfriend could cheat on her with no consequences, except for relief that he'd still want her afterward. Disrespectful. Toward all women. Lex Rivera couldn't pretend that she didn't have self respect.

 She exhaled deeply. "Yeah, the motel really must affect the werewolves a lot. They've all been acting crazy."

 Allison shot her a look that told her that, yes, Lex sounded as resigned as she felt. She sighed, and tried to will some emotion into her voice. "I know, Allison, I know it looked bad, but I also know that bad things seem to happen a lot around here. Scott almost bleeding out on the bus? Bad. Suicide hotel? Bad. Ethan -" her voice trailed off, a sick feeling washing over her as she thought of the night's events. If Ethan was ready to cut his chest open with no second thought...

 She inhaled slowly. "It's bad. It's all bad. So I'm not worried about that, as much as I'm worried that he's still... alive."

 Allison nodded, and Lex was grateful for the subject drop as the girl reached over to squeeze her arm. The action was reassuring; and Lex shot her a smile as they approached the rotten staircase. "Let's find him then."

 The two girls ran up the staircase, Lex muttering prayers inside her head with every step they took. They were going to Scott's room first - obviously - and Lex tensed before opening the door. "Scott-" she called out, softening her voice, before groaning when she realized that the room was empty. "Scott!"

 They searched every possible place a teenage boy could've wedged himself into, and by the time it was apparent that he wasn't there - at least not anymore - frustration turned Lex's cheeks pink. "Shit!"

 "He can't have gotten far." Allison assured, but Lex couldn't be certain who she was trying to convince. Still, she nodded, and tried to seem optimistic. Everything would be okay. Scott was okay -

 But that optimism leaked out of her with every place they checked, and every place Scott wasn't. 

 Lex grew more frantic as the minutes ticked by, and by the time she searched under the desk in the front foyer, she was in full on panic-mode. Her chest hurt, and her eyes were welling with tears from all the times she expected to see Scott and didn't. So he was gone. He was somewhere, alone, hurt... she clenched her lips, wiping at her eyes. She couldn't believe how hurt she was over the whole "Allison" thing, when something horrible could've happened to him fifty times over. He couldn't be hurt - he couldn't be dead. Lex didn't know how that could even be possible. It was so unfair - so unfair. Scott was nothing but good and kind, and his werewolf side was cursing him to pain and suffering, and for what? For what?

Lex's exhales were shaky as she gripped onto her hair, the pain at her scalp trying to remind her where she was. "Allison, something's wrong. Something's so wrong."

 "Hey-" Allison grabbed onto her wrists and pulled them down. "It's okay." She said, her voice sharp. "Scott's the strongest person I know. He's survived worse. He's fine."

 Lex shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as unwanted tears broke from her waterline. "This isn't okay. Something's wrong, Allison."

 "Riv!" 

 Lex's head darted to the side as Stiles and Lydia entered the foyer. Isaac and Boyd weren't with them, and a shot of panic echoed through Lex's chest, before Stiles spoke up again. "We found Isaac and Boyd, and they're fine. The heat helps snap them out of it, we used the flares from the bus."

 Lex pulled her hands away from Allison, crossing her arms tightly around her midsection. "We didn't find Scott." She said, although she was certain Stiles had already figured that out. 

 The boy shot her a small smile. "It's okay. He's gotta be around here somewhere."

 "But it's happening to him too," Lydia said, her face hard. "It has to be." She turned to Stiles. "Didn't you say there's another flare on the bus?"

 The boy nodded, "yeah, I'll get it."

 He ran for the door, Lex following close after. She grabbed onto his wrist the second they were close enough. "Stilinski-"

 "It'll be okay, I-"

 "Everyone keeps saying that," Lex cut him off, shaking her head. She couldn't imagine how Stiles seemed so calm right now, and cursed herself for being such a basket case. Why couldn't she stay calm like the rest of them? Like Stiles, who's best friend was lost; and yet he seemed as if he had done this a million times before. The boy who was like his brother needed his help, and he was helping, while Lex was standing there praying to any god she could think of that that same boy was alright. 

 So when she lifted her gaze into the darkness of the parking lot, she froze.

 Her grip on Stiles's arm must have been painful, as the boy winced and muttered something under his breath. Lex ignored him, her throat suddenly so closed it was as if she was allergic to the nighttime; and the small step forward she took felt as if it pushed her further away. "Scott." 

 The boy was there. Right in front of her. He looked wet - dripping from head to toe in what looked to be water, but Lex knew as she got closer that it wasn't. It smelled sharp and made her eyes water; gasoline. And the small object in his hand couldn't be anything other than the lit road flare that the two were running out to get. To save him. 

 "Scott," she repeated, her voice breathless, but surprisingly steady. He looked at her; but his eyes were despondent and glazed over; as if he wasn't really seeing her. "Scott, it's okay. It's over. You can come with me now."

 "There's no hope." The boy said, his voice ragged and serrated with a despair that brought tears to Lex's eyes. 

 "Don't say that." Lex said, taking another miniscule step toward him. "There's hope, Scott, there always is, remember? Everything will be okay."

 She heard Allison and Lydia as they approached behind her, but she ignored them. She couldn't see anything except for the boy in front of her. Doused in gasoline, an open flame inches from his skin. The flare burned too bright; it was distracting her. She wanted it gone. She wanted it far away - it made her angry to look at. 

 "Not for me," he said, his eyes still staring right through her. "Not for Derek..."

 Derek. A chill spread across Lex's arms. Crackhead Derek. Scott said that someone had died, someone he was close to...

 "That wasn't your fault," she said, unsure if he was aware that she didn't know what she was talking about. Still, she was sure of that. It wasn't his fault. It couldn't be. "None of this is your fault." She moved closer, outstretching a hand, "Scott, please."

 He moved away from her hand, and the action made her gasp. "Everytime I try to fight back, it just gets worse." He said, the despondency in his tone seeming to weigh down on his shoulders. "People keep getting hurt. People keep getting killed."

 "That's not you," she said, "I may not know anything, but I know that's not you. You save people, y-you help people. You helped me, you make me feel safe." Tears spilled down her cheeks, which she ignored. "You're the only one. The only one who makes me feel safe. So how can you be bad? That's supposed to be my job."

 He stared at her for a second, as if he was unsure of what to say. Lex felt Stiles's hand on her arm, taking a half-step in front of her. "Scott," he said, his voice cutting into the silence in a way that Lex's didn't. "This isn't you, alright? This is someone inside of your head, telling you to do this. Remember-?"

 "What if it isn't? What if it is just me?" He demanded, his voice suddenly rising. " What if doing this is actually the best thing that I could do for everyone else?" He shook his head, the flame dancing in his hand like the trigger of a loaded rifle. "It all started that night-- the night I got bitten. You remember the way it was before that? You and me, we were... we were... we were nothing. We weren't popular. We weren't good at lacrosse. We weren't important. We were no one." 

 Lex reached over, curling a tight fist around Stiles's shirt as the pain in her chest doubled. She wanted to lean over and sob - but she couldn't. The pain in her chest was nothing. Nothing at all. And she didn't know what to say. How could she convey what she was feeling in words? How did Scott feel like he was nothing, when she had all of the things he didn't and she felt as if she was stumbling around in the dark?

 She tried to speak his name, to say something, but no words came out. 

 Scott stared at the flare as if it were a piece to a complex math equation. "Maybe I should be no one again... no one at all."

 "Scott, just listen to me, okay? You're not no one. Okay?" Stiles said, "You're someone. You're-- Scott, you're my best friend. Okay? And I need you." His pale face was shining, and it took Lex a second to register that he was crying. "Scott, you're my brother, all right? So... So, if you're gonna do this, then..." He gently removed Lex's hand from his shirt, and stared down at her for a second with a look that could have been an apology or a remembrance. And then, he stepped away from her, his shoes hitting the puddle of gasoline, as he reached out to hold onto the flare. "Then I think you're gonna have to take me with you." 

 Lex didn't dare breathe. She couldn't think - at least not coherently. Not past the pain that was spreading through her blood. She couldn't think. She didn't understand-

 "What then?" She demanded, her voice louder now, and harsh. Stiles turned to look at her, Scott doing the same. Tears burned her eyes, and anger burned her stomach. "What then, huh?" She shouted, her voice breaking into a ragged sob. "What after? What will you get from this?" She gestured to her chest sharply. "You aren't allowed to leave me like this. You can't. Even if I'm not real to either one of you, you can't." 

 She wasn't sure what she was doing. She walked forward, shouldering past Stiles to grab onto the flare, her hand so close to the fire that it burned. She shook her head, the effort to breathe becoming unbearable. "This isn't how it goes." She said, turning to look them both in the eye, one by one. "I may not understand your world, but I understand mine. And this isn't how it goes."

 They stood there, in silence, for a moment; before Lex pulled the flare up sharply, successfully ridding it of their grips. She chucked it behind her, only exhaling when it clattered onto the pavement. She stood there, shaking her head sharply, wishing she could soften her tone. Still, she didn't have anything left to say. She wanted to embrace them, but she also wanted to turn away from them. To leave and not have to see their faces. To remember. 

 She vaguely heard Lydia shriek, and wasn't given time to react before a sharp pressure on her side knocked her over, her back skidding against the pavement and knocking the air from her lungs. A large woosh, followed by heat so intense it nearly made her pass out. She could see light, she could hear voices, but nothing else. 

 She didn't know just how her reality could remain after this. How she could remain intact.

 How was she supposed to help people if she couldn't even help herself?

a/n:

ha, not sad at all. not at all.

i love updating twice a year. lmao. jk, i hate it. i want to update more, but school is straight madness. luckily, i'm almost on christmas break... but then it's exams. so ya girls's straight up losing it rn.

anyway, here's an extra long and trauma-ridden chapter! this changes everything fs, poor lex just wanted a sexy boyfriend smh. please talk to me ab this book! tell me your predictions, your headcanons, and make requests for scenes in the future!! i love love hearing your guys's ideas, and i will for sure rant with you if you'll let me!! i love you all so much, and thanks for reading!