lonely again- gnash

The following morning, once his head was clear enough, Stevens made the decision to close Youth & Impulse for a minimum of three weeks, per advice from his doctor. After forgoing such a mentally and physically taxing accident, the doctor suggested that Stevens spend a few weeks focusing only on his health and nothing else. The doctor was concerned that as a small business owner, Stevens would stress and concern over keeping the business up to par throughout his injury, and this would ultimately tax Stevens's body even more.
So reluctantly, Stevens agreed and talked to you and Yoongi both.

"I understand why you're doing it, I just wish there was some way I could handle it on my own. You aren't worried about not having any income for the next several weeks?" You asked, feeling glum inside and out. You and Yoongi were sitting beside each other on the couch across from Stevens's hospital bed. He somehow had managed to score a rather large room with no up-charge.

"I have more than enough in savings. Don't worry about the business, kid. It'll be fine," Stevens reassured you. You nodded your head even though you wanted to keep arguing.
And any other time, you probably would've kept arguing. But, Stevens looked tired. And you were tired. And Yoongi was tired. It wasn't worth the fight.

"We'll let you get some rest," you muttered, rising from the couch and exiting the room, Yoongi trailing close behind you. You walked through the glaringly white hospital in silence. It wasn't until the two of you were outside in the sunshine that Yoongi spoke up.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked, squinting due to the sun in his eyes.

"Nothing to talk about."

"I can tell you're upset."

"So?"

"What is it that's really bothering you about this whole Youth & Impulse thing? I mean it's temporary, and I agree that Stevens should just focus on his own health," Yoongi replied, lifting a hand to shield his eyes.

"It's nothing. You're right," you said shortly. He eyed you for a moment, clearly not believing you. He cleared his throat and nodded anyway, not pushing the issue any farther.

"I have a meeting with BigHit management in a few, so I have to go. Maybe dinner tonight?" He took a step closer to you, face questioning.

"Sure," you said calmly, even though you were filled with anxiety at the mention of Yoongi's meeting. His management was likely going to tear him to shreds not for only leaving in the middle of the class, but also for skipping an entire day of training. You felt guilty, still, even though he had already insisted you shouldn't.

He looked at you again, some serious expression covering his face that you couldn't quite read.

"You're going to be okay, right?" he murmured. You felt as if his eyes were staring right into the depths of your soul without your permission.

"I'm fine, Yoongi. Go. I don't want you to be late."

And with one more hard look, he left.

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~YOONGI'S POV~

"We want you on our team, Yoongi. We like you and we think you have a lot of talent. However, what you did yesterday is not acceptable."
Yoongi was in a meeting room with Bang PD himself, as well as 4 other people that were in the top tiers of management at BigHit.

Yoongi nodded, looking down at his hands that were folded in his lap. He wanted to argue, to explain that the situation truly was dire, and he absolutely had no choice but to leave. But, he bit his lip, for once afraid that talking back might make things worse.

"You know our training and classes are mandatory, and it looks bad that you ran out in the middle of them yesterday. Johnson told us that you claimed to have an emergency, but he didn't seem to believe that..." Bang PD trailed off, and Yoongi took that as an opportunity.

"I swear to you, all of you, that it truly was an emergency. I play piano part-time at Youth & Impulse cafe in downtown, and the owner of that cafe was in a really bad hit and run accident. His niece, my girlfriend, called me, so I rushed to the hospital as soon as I got her call," Yoongi explained so quickly he was practically throwing up the words. He just wanted them to understand that he was still very committed and that his one absence had simply been a fluke.
The room was silent for a moment, almost too long for Yoongi to bare. But then, Bang PD spoke up.

"I'm not heartless, Yoongi. I don't blame you for leaving when you did. I probably would've done the same thing. But from the experience I want you to learn something. Being famous, being an idol is a very demanding lifestyle. Yes, you will have money and fame and vast attention from others. But, on the flip side of that, you will be scrutinized, your privacy will be torn away from you, and you have to be willing to say goodbye to people you're close with in order to advance your career. There will come a time where you want to be there for that girlfriend of yours, but you're out of the country, or you're playing a concert. I want you to understand all of these things before you progress any further. I won't hold your contract against you; I'll nullify it if you end up changing your mind. So think, Yoongi. Go home and think about the future and the glory and the fame. But, consider the kickbacks of all of those things. You need to decide what you really want. Meeting adjourned," and with that, the meeting was suddenly over. The room cleared, leaving Yoongi sitting at the round table alone, blinking slowly as he tried to digest everything that was just said to him.

He had an uneasy feeling, one that made his stomach hurt.

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~YOUR POV~

Yoongi showed up at your place around 6 that night. After running downstairs to let him into your dorm building, the two of you went to your room.

"I still have a few math problems to finish before we can get dinner," you informed him while on the elevator.

"No worries," he shrugged, looking down at the ground. He was wearing a black shirt and an oversized black zip hoodie. The majority of his hair was hidden by a black baseball cap, but small tufts of his now brown locks peeked out of the front. He had dyed his hair from blonde to brown just a few weeks ago, and you were still having trouble getting used to it.

You admired Yoongi's physical appearance often, and he would catch you looking from time to time, leaving you blushing and embarrassed. But, all of that time spent staring at him caused you to learn how to read his body language incredibly well.

When he lightly bounced on the balls of his feet, he was excited and giddy about something. When one hand was tucked into his pocket and he made direct eye contact, he was confident and sly. When he smiled, truly smiled, he was content and happy. But, when he looked down and was short in replies, he was either mad or worried about something.

You snuck another glance at Yoongi, whose eyes were still intently trained on the ground. You frowned, fearing the meeting hadn't gone well. You wanted to ask him about it, but in a way, you were scared to hear his answer as it might convict you even more.

As the elevator dinged and the doors opened, you walked out and unlocked your dorm room door, holding it open for Yoongi to walk inside.
It wasn't the first time he had been inside your dorm. While you two never hung out in there because of the typical looming presence of your roommate, he had still sat in there on occasion while you finished something up before going out with him.

Your roommate was out. Her side of the dorm was neatly kept, almost meticulously kept. Your side wasn't exactly messy, but it wasn't nearly as clean as Clara's, your roommate's. Your half of the tiny dorm somehow seemed more real, more like a college student's.

The comforter on your bed was only half on, but the sheets were properly tucked into the mattress. Your desk was a bit cluttered with workbooks and pens and highlighters and snack wrappers; you failed at keeping your desk an organized place.
The floor was clean except for a pair of vans that were sitting next to your bed.

You sat down at your desk, picking up your pencil to resume the calculus problems you had been working on. Yoongi sat down on the edge of your bed, rubbing his eyes.

Since the desk was directly next to your bed, you had trouble blocking him out of your peripheral vision, therefore causing you to be ultimately distracted from the schoolwork that you needed to be doing.

"Are you okay?" You asked hesitantly, turning so you could see him better.

"I'm tired...just have a lot on my mind," he replied quietly, still not making eye contact with you.

"Get some rest, then. This is going to take me a while to finish," you offered.

"You sure?" He seemed hesitant, but he finally made eye contact with you.

"Yeah, take a nap. You probably could use the extra sleep."

He nodded then, slipping his shoes off and laying down, his head against your pillow. His eyes were closed immediately, and it was then you could tell that he really wasn't kidding about being tired. Clearly, he was exhausted. And while this made you feel bad for him, you were happy that at least now he could get some uninterrupted rest.

You forced yourself to direct your attention back to your homework now that Yoongi was sleeping peacefully. It took you nearly an hour to get everything finished.

Feeling relieved, you rose from your desk chair, eyes landing on Yoongi.

For some strange reason, he looked so small while curled up on your bed like that. He looked peaceful and innocent while sleeping, and you couldn't help the smile that spread across your face.

He was sleeping hard, his breathing heavy but even. If you had known he was this exhausted, you would've just told him to forget dinner and to go home and go to bed.

You reached for the covers that were piled up at the end of your bed, and carefully rested them on top of Yoongi. He stirred slightly in his sleep, rolling over onto his side, but didn't wake.

Carefully, you sat on the edge of your bed, reaching out to remove his hat so his head could rest completely against the pillow now that he had turned. You set his hat on your tiny bedside table and gently ran your hand through his hair. His hair was surprisingly soft for someone who seemed to dye it relatively often.

You sighed as you watched Yoongi in a state of passive calmness. It seemed as if in that moment, time had briefly paused. You had an intimate moment where you could just sit with him as he was in a state of peace. You weren't worried about what his management had said to him, or about Stevens in the hospital, or about your future. You had a short moment where you could just look at the boy you loved so deeply without fear overcoming you for even a second.

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The next thing you knew, you had fallen asleep as well. Your head was resting against something soft, but it didn't feel like your pillow.

The air conditioner kicked on and you found yourself unconsciously cuddling against something warm. You squinted, barely opening your eyes enough to see that the warmth you were feeling was radiating off of him: off of Yoongi.

Your head was resting on Yoongi's chest, and his arms were around you. Somewhere in the midst of all the watching and admiring you had drifted off. You bit back a laugh, feeling lucky you didn't fall off the bed.

You peeked up at Yoongi, only able to see the outline of his face and the curve of his chin. You lifted your head up for a moment, straining to see out the one window in the dorm. Shadows were being cast across the room as deep orange light seeped through the cracks on your blinds. The sun was just now going down, so you figured you must've been asleep for at least an hour.

You knew you needed to get up-and rouse Yoongi as well- but then Yoongi shifted slightly. He yawned quietly, his hand suddenly in your hair, carefully smoothing the back of it like he had recently gotten in the habit of doing rather often.

"Did we sleep for a long time?" he murmured, sounding sleepy.

"Not too long, it's probably only 8," you yawned this time. He curled in closer to you, his chin resting on top of your head.

"Did you sleep okay?" You asked adjusting the arm you had across his stomach.

"Yeah. Your bed is surprisingly comfortable for a college dorm room. And your pillow smells like you."

You chuckled, "I'm glad you could get some good rest. You needed it."

"You probably needed it too," Yoongi sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

You were quiet for a moment, relishing in the feeling of being so close to him while being at such ease. But that ease began wearing away as you considered reality for a moment.

"Yoongi?" You said quietly.

"Mm?"

You were quiet for another moment.

"Y/N, what is it?" His words were surprisingly gentle.

"Is everything really okay? I've been worried..." you trailed off, heart beginning to beat a bit faster as you anticipated his answer.

"Don't worry about me or about my work, alright? You don't need to carry that weight," Yoongi's voice had an edge to it.

"Why won't you tell me what's bothering you?"

Yoongi was silent for a few moments. You wondered if he was trying to gather his thoughts.

"I didn't exactly get in trouble with management today. But, they presented me with a lot of questions and a lot of things I need to think about."

"Like what?" For that short moment, you felt a sense of relief.

"Like what I really want. What I'm willing to risk and give up for having a career like this. What I'm willing to deal with..."

You bit your lip, nervous again. "And...? What exactly would you be sacrificing?"

"Privacy, a sense of normalcy, normal relationships, normal work hours. Everything normal will be out of reach for me if I debut and my popularity peaks like they hope it will. They're asking me to consider everything and back out now if I don't want to make those sacrifices," Yoongi explained carefully. You understand what he was saying, but for some reason, it made you feel incredibly insecure. Where did you fit into that equation? Where did you fit into that consideration? Were you something he would eventually have to give up? Those were questions you didn't have the answers to, and that bothered you.

"And how are you feeling about it all?" You asked. It was a safe question.

"I'm honestly not sure. I think I really just need to take the time to think about it," he admitted, "But regardless of my decision, you don't need to worry about it." He began to play with your hair again. The act was calming, and the words he said should've reassured you, but they didn't.

You must've really tensed up because he noticed.

"Really, Y/N. Please don't worry about me," he said again, his hand now running soothingly over your back.

"Okay," you said shortly, feeling too many mixed emotions to offer him a better response.

Luckily, the door to your dorm was swinging open just a few moments later as Clara walked in, carrying a bunch of books from the library.

"Ugh, Y/N! Haven't you read our dorm policy? No boys allowed after 7. It's 8:30!" She exclaimed, setting her books down and tossing you both a dirty look.

"Oh, sorry," Yoongi blushed as the both of you sat up. You were both irritated by and grateful for Clara's untimely appearance.

Yoongi put his hat and shoes back on before awkwardly standing up from the bed. "Sorry for the intrusion," he said quietly, and he exited, you following him behind to walk him down.

"She's kind of scary," he joked on the elevator down, but you didn't laugh. Your conversation with him had left you feeling weirder than reassured, and you didn't know what to make of that.

"Rain check on dinner, then?" Yoongi chuckled once outside and on the front steps of the building.

"Sure," you agreed.

"See you Tuesd-" he started out of habit before the both of you remember that Youth & Impulse was now closed, "I'll call you?" He said instead, and you nodded.

"Goodnight, Y/N," he leaned in then, carefully brushing his lips against yours. You barely kissed him back, however, as your mind was too plagued with worries and fears about the future with him.

"Goodnight," you whispered back, and then he was gone.