Song Above: Lay By Me

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Slowly and reluctantly, I uncover my face. I blink, close my eyes, and blink again. Streaks of sunlight penetrate the window and blind me. I sit up and yawn dragging my feet off the bed, and rubbing my knuckles into my eyes.

I had only just fallen asleep under an hour ago since I had stayed up all night crying. I don't even remember getting into bed and I have a sneaky suspicion I had help.

I grit my teeth as I remembered yesterday's events. I was clearly just looking to argue with anyone that came close to me.

I dragged myself to a mirror and winced at the sight. Streaks of mascara were across my face and my pale complexion made me resemble Marilynn Manson. My hair was in a tangled heap on the top of my head and my lips were cracked.

I let out a sign. I could count on my hand the number of times I've allowed myself to get like this. It was a very rare occurrence for me to break down. I think seeing all those memories on the floor of my dad brought back one big memory. One I had desperately tried to push deep in the wretches of my brain.

"Ivy?" My dad called as I rushed past the door to the kitchen. I let out a sigh, turning on my heel and walking back into the kitchen.

He was sat at the breakfast table, his hands wrapped around a warm mug of coffee. A shadow was covering his chin from where he hadn't shaved in a while. His hair fell into a messy heap on the top of his head and dark patches clung to his eyes.

"What's up dad?" I asked impatiently shifting the straps on my shoulders from my rucksack.

It was the first day of my freshman year. Summer had felt longer than usual since I hardly did anything and I was excited to see Rose. I hadn't seen her for a while because she had gone to England to visit relatives over the summer. I was so excited to start high school I didn't even pay attention to anything but that.

"I was thinking maybe you could skip school today and we could have a day together? Maybe get some snacks and watch some movies in our Pj's," He smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Can we not go that another day? It's my first day and I haven't seen my friends," I groaned and ignored the sight of his smile dropping.

"Yeah of course, we can rearrange," He mumbled holding his coffee cup tighter.

"Okay great" I beamed "I'll see you later dad,"

"See you later,"

I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, my hair brushing his skin and I heard him take a harsh breath. If only I knew he was soaking in my scent for the last time. I turned on my heels and left him to his coffee.

I didn't think twice about the fact this would have been the last time I saw him. The thought had never entered my head.

I didn't get the call until halfway through the day. The neighbors had seen water pouring out of the front door onto the lawn and had called my mom. Since she couldn't get hold of my dad she went back home to find him laying in the bath unmoving and unresponsive. His clothes were folded in a heap on the floor and the mug of coffee downstairs was still on the side untouched.

There was no note, no message and no indication as to why he had decided to leave this world.

I could feel the unwanted tears filling my eyes and I aggressively rubbed them away. I needed to get a grip. It had been years since he'd passed. I couldn't keep picking at old wounds.

A knock at my door caused me to pause. I waited until there was another knock before sighing.

"Yes?"

"Can I come in?" My mom's voice was muffled from behind the wood. I didn't want to see her but I knew I couldn't avoid her forever.

"Why not?" I said sarcastically and resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

The door creaked open and my mom slowly stepped into my room. Her eyes flickered around nervously before falling upon me.

"If I say something will you promise not to throw something at me?"

"It depends," I scoffed.

She took another step forward hesitating before speaking, "I'm sorry,"

It took me a couple of seconds to register what she was saying. I thought for a second I had imagined it. Out of all the words in the English dictionary, 'Sorry' was the last word I thought would fall from my mom's lips.

I'm surprised it didn't cause her physical pain. I was half expecting her to hunch over and collapse from just saying the word.

She shifted uncomfortably and began to speak, "I know I'm not the best Mom in the world, and I sometimes wish things could have been different for you. When your," she paused, swallowing the lump in her throat, "father passed, given the circumstances, it wasn't easy for me, and I forgot that it wasn't easy for you too and that you needed me, I should have been there,"

The room went silent. I focused on my hands clasping and unclasping in my lap. I could feel her stare boring into my face but I didn't lookup.

For years I had waited for her to say this. For years I had pictured her showing some form of emotion towards me and realizing how hard it was for me to have a mother who didn't really care.

All the things I had wished she had said to me had finally come true and all I felt was nothing. I didn't feel joy or sadness or any other emotion than numbness. I couldn't pretend otherwise.

"It's fine," I mumbled even though it was far from it.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry," She sighed, placing her hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

She knew when her words didn't have an effect. It was too late.

She dropped her hand to her side and turned towards the door. She paused for a second "I called your school to say you were sick, I think you need some rest,"

And with that, she was gone.

I waited to hear her feet hit the staircase before letting out the breath I had been holding. I threw my back onto the bed covering myself with the duvet in the hope I could hide there for the rest of my life.

I hadn't felt this ache for years. I'd spent a long time trying to breathe again without my chest feeling heavy or being able to smile without having to force my lips to curl.
I had been okay, not great but okay for a while now and she had ruined that within seconds.

I didn't want to be reminded of something I could have prevented. I didn't want old wounds reopened and poured on with salt. I'd only just got used to the burn.

Thoughts swam through my head like a tidal wave of words until my eyelids dropped and my thoughts were no more.

I shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth, chewing slowly and adding more before I had even finished my mouth full.

It had to be about two in the afternoon and I'd only been up for the last couple of hours catching up on some much needed Netflix. I think I had brought all the blankets in the house to the couch for maximum comfort.

My mom had left whilst I was asleep, which was good since I wasn't too keen on bumping into her.  We'd had enough awkward encounters for one day.

I reached for another handful of popcorn when a knock at the door caught my attention.

As far as I was aware we weren't expecting anyone. Unless my mom had ordered another skimpy dress online for next day delivery. That was a usual occurrence if she was planning on going out with one of her many dating app flings.

Normally I thought it was gross but after last night I'd love for her to be out of the house. At least then I wouldn't have to purposely avoid her.

I signed at the impatient knock at the door and heaved myself out of the mass of blankets. I didn't even bother to comb a finger through my hair or wipe away the popcorn from my face. After all, it would just be the delivery guy and I sure as hell wasn't looking to impress him.

I reached the front door and swung it open, halting in my tracks. Stood with a carrier bag of what looked like snacks and a grin on his face was Ryan.

"Huh-hhelloo," I stuttered quickly wiping the popcorn from my chin and flattering my hair at a speed that would give Ryan whiplash.

I caught him to scan the Disney tank top and shorts I was wearing, his smile widening at the sight. I felt myself cringe and I wished I could slam the door in his face and hide but I knew that wasn't the most practical approach.

"What you doing here?" Was all I could say.

I didn't reply to Rose's text asking where I was so there was no way he could know I was home. Unless he had planted a camera, which wouldn't surprise me.

"I heard you were sick so I thought I'd cheer you up," He shook the bag in his hand and the rattling sound of skittles perked my interest.

"You didn't have to," I gushed, my eyes never leaving the little red packet. The fat ass that I was could never deny snacks.

"I hope you don't mind though, your mom told Rose and I thought I'd surprise you,"

Of course, my mom would tell Rose. That woman couldn't keep anything to herself.

"That is so sweet, thank you for coming over,"

Even though it was nice of him to visit me, I still had this niggle at the back of my head reminding me of last night and how I felt when he'd kissed my cheek.

And even seeing him on my doorstep didn't send my stomach into overdrive. I was more happy about the snacks then him.

Maybe spending some time with just us two would be different. I wouldn't have he who shall not be named there causing my head to scramble.

I could think clearly when he wasn't around. I could never get my thoughts in check when I saw him or could smell the sweet scent of his stupid aftershave.

I swear stores make it a certain smell to torture us girls.

"Would you like to come in?" I forced a smile and opened the door wide enough for him to slide past me. He nodded enthusiastically before stepping through the door.

Just as he passed, I glanced out to the front lawn, my smile dropping and my stomach reeling at the sight of Brody stood at the end of my gravel path.

We both made eye contact, our eyes never wavering from one another's.

Oh shit.

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