❛ Like a heartbeat, drives you mad. In the stillness of remembering what you had and what you lost. ❜

SEASON 4, EPISODE 12 & 13
still & alone

━━━━━━ October 17, 2011

THE NIGHT ROLLED OVER, but none of them wanted to go back inside. Maybe it was because they didn't want to be reminded of what started their argument or that it smelled like stale piss. Ultimately, they decided to sit on the front porch and listen to the sound of summer. A warm breeze passed them every few minutes, and Cal enjoyed its peace.

⠀⠀⠀"I get why my dad stopped drinkin'," Beth mused. She leaned against a post with a carefree smile curling her lips.

⠀⠀⠀"You feel sick?" Daryl asked, leaning against the other post.

⠀⠀⠀"Nope. I wish I could feel like this all the time," she said, then chuckled. "That's bad."

⠀⠀⠀"A little," Cal agreed, sitting between them.

⠀⠀⠀"Hmm. You're lucky you're a happy drunk," Daryl told her.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, I'm lucky. Some people can be real jerks when they drink."

⠀⠀⠀"Bianca's brother was a sad drunk. Would cry over everything. How much he loved us, upcoming finals, the movie we were watching, everything." Cal smiled, closing his eyes. "I miss him."

⠀⠀⠀"You two close?" Daryl asked.

⠀⠀⠀"Like a brother," Cal said simply, opening his eyes to look at Daryl.

⠀⠀⠀"Bianca doesn't talk about him much," Beth said.

⠀⠀⠀Cal found it funny that they talked about Bianca as if they weren't separated. It felt good to act as if they were out on a scouting mission, and in the morning, they'd head back. He'd hug her tight and never let go. But the image dissolved, and Cal knew they weren't. But... he could pretend for a little while.

⠀⠀⠀"No, I don't think she would," Cal sighed. "I know a little. Some she told me, some I saw myself. I'd gone by her house months after she called, but by that time, it was too late."

⠀⠀⠀"It was a bad night. I know that much," Daryl stated but didn't delve further. He knew more than Cal did, but he didn't want to know. It would ruin his image of Eugene as he suspected it did for Bianca. He would happily listen if she ever wanted to tell him.

⠀⠀⠀"You saved her. That's all that matters," Cal said.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl lifted one side of his mouth and nodded.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm a dick when I'm drunk," Daryl said, steering them off Bianca quickly. Talking about her hurt Daryl as much as it hurt Cal. "Merle had this dealer. This janky little white guy. A tweaker. One day we were over at his house watchin' TV. Wasn't even noon yet and we were all wasted. Merle was high. We were watchin' this show, and Merle was talkin' all this dumb stuff about it, and he wouldn't let up. Merle never could. Turns out it was the tweaker's kids' favorite show. And he never sees his kids, so he felt guilty about it or somethin'.

⠀⠀⠀"So, he punches Merle in the face. So, I started hittin' the tweaker, like, hard. As hard as I can. Then, he pulls a gun, sticks it right here." Daryl lifts his hand to his temple. "He says, 'I'm gonna kill you, bitch.' So, Merle pulls his gun on him. Everyone's yellin'. I'm yellin'. I thought I was dead. Over a dumb cartoon about a talking dog."

⠀⠀⠀"How'd you get out of it?" Beth asked after a moment.

⠀⠀⠀"The tweaker punched me in the gut. I puked. They both started laughin' and forgot all about it." Daryl picked at the wooden porch before he looked at Beth. "You wanna know where I was before all this? I was just driftin' around with Merle... doin' whatever he said we were gonna be doin' that day. I was nobody. Nothin'. Some redneck asshole and an even bigger asshole for a brother."

⠀⠀⠀"You miss him, don't you?" Beth asked with a knowing smile. Daryl looked at her but didn't answer.

⠀⠀⠀It was a tricky question to answer. No, I hate this person who was supposed to love me but instead hurt and hated me. But also, yes, I love this person because I am supposed to love them, and it's like pulling a tooth without anesthetic. It hurts as the cavity multiplies, causing you pain at every bite, but it hurts too much to pull it out on your own. So you are left with two choices, so you pick neither, and in the end, you are left with the cavity. Cal knew the feeling well.

⠀⠀⠀"I miss Maggie. I miss her bossin' me around," Beth said and laughed. "I miss my big brother Shawn. He was so annoying and overprotective." She laughed again. "And my dad. I thought—I hoped he'd just live the rest of his life in peace, y'know? I thought Maggie and Glenn would have a baby. And he'd get to be a grandpa. And we'd have birthdays and holidays and summer picnics. And he'd get really old. And it'd happen, but it'd be quiet. It'd be okay. He'd be surrounded by people he loved."

⠀⠀⠀Beth laughed again as she opened her mouth to say more. She stopped herself, tears welling in her eyes as she looked at her feet.

⠀⠀⠀"That's how unbelievably stupid I am," she sighed, her voice going up an octave as she sipped her moonshine.

⠀⠀⠀"That's how it was supposed to be," Daryl told her.

⠀⠀⠀"It's how it could be if we found a better place," Cal said.

⠀⠀⠀"It'll always end the same," Daryl sighed.

⠀⠀⠀"I wish I could just..." Beth said softly. "Change."

⠀⠀⠀"You did," Daryl told her.

⠀⠀⠀"Not enough. Not like you. It's like you were made for how things are now," Beth explained.

⠀⠀⠀"People like Daryl need people like you, Beth. To keep them goin', or else there'd never be anything good left," Cal said.

⠀⠀⠀"Like how Bianca needs you?" Beth asked.

⠀⠀⠀Cal smiled. "And how I need her."

⠀⠀⠀"I'm just used to this," Daryl said to them with a frown. "Things being ugly. Growin' up in a place like this."

⠀⠀⠀"Well, you got away from it," she assured him.

⠀⠀⠀"I didn't."

⠀⠀⠀"You did."

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe you gotta keep on remindin' me sometimes."

⠀⠀⠀"No. You can't depend on anybody for anything, right?" Beth asked, throwing his words back at him. "I'll be gone someday."

⠀⠀⠀"Stop."

⠀⠀⠀"I will," she continued. "You're gonna be the last man standin'," she said.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl looked away, not wanting to listen.

⠀⠀⠀"Thanks," Cal jested.

⠀⠀⠀Beth smiled and then shrugged. "Sorry." She looked back at Daryl. "You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon."

⠀⠀⠀"You ain't a happy drunk at all," Daryl said.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, I'm happy. I'm just not blind," Beth said. "You gotta stay who you are, not who you were. Places like this, you have to put it away."

⠀⠀⠀"What if you can't?"

⠀⠀⠀"You have to. Or it kills you." She put her hand up to her chest and pressed her fingers where her heart was. "Here."

⠀⠀⠀"We should go inside," Daryl said, growing anxious under their revealing conversation.

⠀⠀⠀"We should burn it down," Beth retorted, a Cheshire grin across her face.

⠀⠀⠀Cal stared at her as Daryl stood. He stopped at the door and looked back at them.

⠀⠀⠀"We're gonna need more booze."

⠀⠀⠀Cal, Daryl, and Beth took jars from the crates and spread moonshine all over the house. It soaked into the carpets and splashed into the wallpaper. They flung it onto the ceiling and out on the porch. It took less than ten minutes before they were satisfied.

⠀⠀⠀They stood outside of the house as Daryl held a matchbook to Beth.

⠀⠀⠀"You wanna?" he asked.

⠀⠀⠀"Hell yeah," Beth smiled. She struck the match and lit the stack of bills Daryl held.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl tossed the bills into the house, and fire erupted across the front porch. It created a beautiful orange and yellow in the darkness that warmed their spirits and ate away at their past. Then, the three-headed back into the woods to continue their journey.

━━━━━━ October 18, 2011

ALONG THEIR JOURNEY, DARYL decided to teach Beth and Cal how to hunt and track. Cal believed it was because of Beth's claim that he would be the last one standing. Daryl wanted to ensure they fought tooth and nail before dying on him.

⠀⠀⠀Cal was decent at hunting but not great at tracking, while Beth was the opposite. She hesitated to shoot while he'd done it a few times before. Cal struggled to find the tiniest clues Daryl and Beth seemed to see.

⠀⠀⠀Beth had the crossbow while Cal kept his eyes on the ground. He was tasked with spotting the trail from scuffed shoes to broken twigs. He still sucked at it, which was why Beth asked Daryl, "Are we close?"

⠀⠀⠀"Almost done."

⠀⠀⠀"How do you know?" Cal asked, scratching his head.

⠀⠀⠀"The signs are all there. Just gotta know how to read 'em," Daryl said.

⠀⠀⠀Cal rolled his eyes. "Right, sure. Like I'm fuckin' Shawn Spencer or somethin'."

⠀⠀⠀"Who?" Daryl asked, raising a brow.

⠀⠀⠀"Never mind," Cal sighed, waving his hand at him.

⠀⠀⠀"What are we trackin'?" Beth asked.

⠀⠀⠀"You tell me. You're the one who wanted to learn."

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, you take over! I feel like my head's about to explode," Cal exclaimed.

⠀⠀⠀"Well, somethin' came through here," Beth said.

⠀⠀⠀Cal narrowed his eyes at where she pointed. "What? How can you tell?!"

⠀⠀⠀"You're hopeless," Daryl snorted in amusement.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm learnin'," Cal hissed back.

⠀⠀⠀"The pattern is all zig-zaggy," Beth explained to him as she pointed at leaves. They looked like leaves! "It's a walker."

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe it's a drunk," Daryl said.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm gettin' good at this," Beth said with a swell of pride. A wide smile crossed her face. "Pretty soon, I won't need you at all."

⠀⠀⠀"I'll need you, though!" Cal cried.

⠀⠀⠀They came into a clearing where a walker sat eating. Beth looked behind her at the two men.

⠀⠀⠀"It's got a gun," she said.

⠀⠀⠀"It won't shoot," Cal said with a smirk.

⠀⠀⠀Beth rolled her eyes. Daryl waved his hand for her to move ahead, and Beth nodded. She walked slowly toward the walker without it noticing. She was halfway to him when something snapped, and she was caught in a bear trap.

⠀⠀⠀Cal and Daryl moved quickly. Cal pulled out his knife as Daryl took his crossbow from Beth.

⠀⠀⠀"I've got it. You get her," Cal told Daryl.

⠀⠀⠀Cal ran behind the biter and lodged his knife into its skull. He dropped it to the ground, wiping his blade on its clothes, and pocketed it. He returned to Daryl and Beth, thankful to hear nothing was broken.

"CAN WE—CAN WE hold up a sec?" Beth asked.

⠀⠀⠀The three just broke the tree line into a graveyard with a house another half a mile away. Beth's foot wasn't broken, but it was sore or likely sprained. She removed her arms from around the men and bent down to look at it.

⠀⠀⠀"You alright?" Daryl asked.

⠀⠀⠀"I just need to sit down," Beth said.

⠀⠀⠀"Alright. Hold up," Daryl said. He handed Cal his crossbow, then bent down slightly. "Hop on."

⠀⠀⠀"Are you serious?"

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah. This is a serious piggyback. Jump up," Daryl told her. Beth did as asked. "You're heavier than you look."

⠀⠀⠀They started walking toward the house at a more comfortable pace.

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe there are people there," Beth said optimistically.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl didn't cut down her optimism but did spin it to have a more realistic view. "Yeah, if there are, I'll handle 'em."

⠀⠀⠀"There's still good people, Daryl."

⠀⠀⠀"I don't think the good ones survive."

⠀⠀⠀Down the rows of gravestones, Beth pulled Daryl to a stop. She hopped down and stood before a marker. It read 'BELOVED FATHER' above the birth and death dates. Beth stood awkwardly before it, frowning, then attempted to wipe it away. Cal wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her to his side.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl took a few steps back and then returned with a bundle of wildflowers. He rested them on top of the grave. They stared at the gravestone, remembering Hershel for his sage advice and kind presence, along with everyone else they lost.

CAL AND DARYL WALKED through the front door with Beth behind them. The house was immaculate inside. White walls, dark furniture, and not a stain in sight. It was also quiet, which seemed odd for the state of the house. However, someone could be hiding. Strangers just walked inside unannounced.

⠀⠀⠀"It's so clean," Beth noted.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, someone's been tendin' to it," Daryl said. "May still be around."

⠀⠀⠀They moved through the house. They entered a small room, and a casket was displayed in front of four rows. A man lay inside, covered in makeup to make his appearance as haunting as it was underneath. They left the room and walked downstairs to the morgue. Cal should've known this wasn't just a house but a funeral home. On slabs of metal, a set of bodies laid out nicely. They were well dressed, but their makeup wasn't finished like the one upstairs. Cal could see the blur between man and death. The dark pigment that bubbled and rotted.

⠀⠀⠀"Let's get that ankle wrapped," Daryl said to Beth.

⠀⠀⠀She ignored him as she looked over the bodies with Cal.

⠀⠀⠀"Looks like somebody ran out of dolls to dress up," Daryl muttered.

⠀⠀⠀"It's beautiful," Beth was quick to say. "Whoever did this... cared. They wanted these people to get a funeral. They remembered these things were people before all this. They didn't let it change them in the end. Don't you think that's beautiful?"

⠀⠀⠀It was a beautiful sentiment, but Cal thought it was a waste of time and resources to put into a biter. Daryl seemed to agree because he kept his opinions to himself. He just had her move back toward him and wrapped up her ankle.

THEY FOUND A KITCHEN stocked full of canned food. Enough for all three to eat well and feel full through the night. Cal wasn't sure he'd ever have that feeling again. Dinner at the prison was good enough, but there were so many of them that the amount of food they had to be slim.

⠀⠀⠀"Whoa. Peanut butter and jelly, diet soda, and pig's feet. That's a white trash brunch right there," Daryl mused.

⠀⠀⠀"It all looks good to me," Beth said.

⠀⠀⠀"If I have the option, I think I'll pass on the pig's feet," Cal said, turning up his nose at the sight.

⠀⠀⠀"No, hold up," Daryl stopped them. "Ain't a speck of dust on this."

⠀⠀⠀"So?"

⠀⠀⠀"That means somebody just put it here. This is someone's stash. Maybe they're still alive," Daryl explained. He held out his hands and structured out the plan. "Alright, we'll take some of it, and we'll leave the rest, alright?"

⠀⠀⠀"I knew it," Beth said with a grin.

⠀⠀⠀"Knew what?"

⠀⠀⠀"It's like I said. There are still good people."

⠀⠀⠀"Mm," Daryl hummed, then stuffed his hand into the jar of olives and stuffed them into his mouth.

⠀⠀⠀"Gross," Beth laughed.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, those pig's feet are mine if you ain't havin' any, Foster," Daryl exclaimed as he knocked his shoulder against Cal's with a hearty chuckle. The three sat together at the table, stuffing their faces with preserved foods and big smiles.

THE SUN SET, DRAWING the inside of the house in shadows. There were plenty of wax candles around that they lit to fill the space with a warm orange light. Daryl worked on securing themselves inside for the night while Beth sat at the piano. When Cal had mentioned he'd learned to play when he was younger, Beth forced him to join. The notes broke under his fingers, and he cringed at the sound of them. Beth didn't let up, however, nudging him to continue.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl coughed, interrupting their song, and made the both of them jump.

⠀⠀⠀"The place is nailed up tight," he said. He walked around the room and set his crossbow down. "The only way in is through the front door." He turned away from the empty casket and pushed himself up into it.

⠀⠀⠀"What are you doin'?" Beth asked.

⠀⠀⠀"This is the comfiest bed I've had in years."

⠀⠀⠀"Really?"

⠀⠀⠀"I ain't kiddin'," Daryl said, leaning back against the pillow. "Why don't you go ahead and play some more? Keep singin'."

⠀⠀⠀"I thought my singin' annoyed you."

⠀⠀⠀"If not, my playing will," Cal grumbled.

⠀⠀⠀"There ain't no jukebox, so..." Daryl waved at them to continue.

⠀⠀⠀Beth agreed and turned with Cal back to the piano. She whispered how to play the keys before they started. She started them off, and Cal followed. His playing destroyed the lovely melody she had built up, but her heartfelt song made up for it. The gentle glow of candles and the three of them together had them feeling normal for a moment.

THEY DECIDED TO STAY another day. A dog had come around that morning but was scared off as soon as it came by. That was the most eventful thing to happen. They lounged for the rest of it. Beth played the piano while Cal found a stack of books to read. They weren't anything interesting, mostly coffee table decorations. He'd gotten through half of one, realized he didn't remember the plot, and ditched it for a different one.

⠀⠀⠀As the sun fell again, the three returned to the kitchen with tea-light candles scattered across the room. They ate from jars and filled their stomachs for a second time. While eating, Beth found a piece of paper and a working pen, showing it to them.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm gonna leave a thank you note," Beth said.

⠀⠀⠀"That's sweet," Cal smiled.

⠀⠀⠀"Why?" Daryl asked.

⠀⠀⠀"For when they come back," Beth explained. "If they come back," she corrected herself. It seemed Daryl had rubbed off on her, too. "Even if they're not comin' back, I still want to say thanks."

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe you don't have to leave that... maybe we stick around here for a while. They come back, we'll just make it work. They may be nuts, but maybe it'll be alright."

⠀⠀⠀Cal frowned at that.

⠀⠀⠀"So, you do think there are still good people around," Beth mused with a smile, and Daryl chuckled. "What—?"

⠀⠀⠀"What about Bianca?" Cal interrupted, his fists clenching and his heart beating fast in his chest. He could feel the heat rise in his face and tried not to let himself get out of control.

⠀⠀⠀"We don't even know where she could be," Daryl said with a frown.

⠀⠀⠀"No, but the last time we were separated, all I did was sit on my ass. Not this time!" Cal exclaimed.

⠀⠀⠀"Is there much chance you will again?" Daryl asked.

⠀⠀⠀Cal couldn't believe what he was hearing. They were giving up! Both of them! Beth had been a proponent that someone had to survive the prison. Maybe that was Bianca. They needed to be out there, finding them, and not playing house. Taking a break for a day was nice, but it couldn't be their life. It couldn't be his life!

⠀⠀⠀"I don't care about chances," Cal scoffed. He filled his arms over his chest and glared at Beth. "Don't you wanna find Maggie?"

⠀⠀⠀"Of course I do, but Cal—!" Beth exclaimed, but he didn't let her finish.

⠀⠀⠀"No, we'll get trapped in this house, this life, and they'll move further and further away from us! We'll never find them if we stay here!" Cal exclaimed, hitting his hands against the table.

⠀⠀⠀"Cal—" Beth tried, reaching her hand out to rest against Cal's, but he pulled back.

⠀⠀⠀"Don't," Cal whispered, pained. He stood from his seat, leaving his jar of peanut butter half-eaten. "I'll just..." he said and left the room.

⠀⠀⠀He found himself in the waiting room and sat on the couch. His book was left there, but it was too dark to see. Left to his thoughts and the growing reality that Bianca was gone, his eyes watered, and he pressed his hands into his eyes. He laid back on the couch, resting his head against a throw pillow, and stared at the ceiling. His chest tightened, and a flood of tears moved through him.

⠀⠀⠀If Daryl and Beth weren't going to leave, that was fine, he told himself. Daryl had taught him enough about hunting he felt confident enough to survive on his own for a few weeks. Cal would take off on his own, relying on some provisions from the house and his knife for a while. He'd kill some squirrels or rabbits and look for her. He wouldn't sit on his ass again and wait for her to find him. They would find each other before they lost each other further.

⠀⠀⠀The front door opened, but Cal ignored why it would be. Probably the dog again. Then, an eruption of growling filtered into his ears.

⠀⠀⠀"Beth! Beth!" Daryl screamed through the house. Cal stood, grabbed his knife, and darted into the front room. He met Beth there as she tossed Daryl his crossbow. "Run! Run!" Daryl shouted at them.

⠀⠀⠀They shot off into the house. Their feet thundered against the floorboards, and their breathing echoed off the walls.

⠀⠀⠀"Beth, Cal, pry open a window. Get your shit!"

⠀⠀⠀"I'm not gonna leave you," Beth cried.

⠀⠀⠀"Go out. Go up the road. I'll meet you both there. Go!" Daryl screamed back.

⠀⠀⠀Cal took Beth's hand and pulled her further into the house while Daryl led the biters into the morgue. Beth grabbed her backpack while Cal found a window. He peeled the board back, splintering the wood. The nails got stuck halfway out, but he maneuvered the other way and popped it out. He threw the wood aside and mentioned Beth over. She sprinted to him, and Cal helped her over the wall. She stood outside as a stray biter found them. Cal backed away from the window as Beth tried to grab the collar of his shirt.

⠀⠀⠀"Cal!" Beth exclaimed.

⠀⠀⠀"Go ahead. I'm right behind you," Cal shouted over his shoulder.

⠀⠀⠀Beth listened as she sprinted up the road as Cal dispatched the walker. He pulled himself over the window where another set of biters waited. This set he ignored, deciding to sprint through the cemetery after Beth.

⠀⠀⠀Cal was only fifty feet behind her as she stopped on the road to wait for them. She crumpled to the ground, her ankle still beat up, but all that adrenaline allowed her to move. She smiled when she spotted Cal waving at him as a black car emerged from the shadows. A pair of men jumped out of the car and grabbed onto Beth.

⠀⠀⠀Cal surged forward, covering the rest of the distance in seconds. He grabbed onto one of the men and pulled him back. Cal pushed past him, trying to get Beth into his grip, but was punched by the man. Beth was in the car as the man punched Cal repeatedly until he felt dizzy. When he stopped fighting, the man tried to drag Cal into the car.

⠀⠀⠀"Leave him," a woman in the driver's seat shouted.

⠀⠀⠀The man dropped him to the ground and kicked him in the side with what felt like steel-toed boots. Cal groaned, clutching his aching ribs. The doors closed with a resounding thud, and the car squealed down the road before Cal could even stand.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl was seconds behind. He looked at Cal, then Beth's bag, and finally, the black car racing down the road with a white cross painted on the back.

⠀⠀⠀"Beth! Beth! Beth!" Daryl screamed, chasing the car down.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl ran, trying to follow the car on foot. It took Cal a bit to stand, but when he did, he jogged after Daryl. He stayed a few feet behind him until early morning. They moved until their lungs felt like they were exploding, their legs shook, and sleep would claim them at any second. It wasn't until they were drenched in sweat and found a fork in the road that they were forced to stop. Daryl fell to the ground as Cal tried to read the leaves.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl shook his head. The wind was blowing harshly. Anything that showed where Beth went was long gone. All they had to go off of was luck that they chose the right path.

⠀⠀⠀Cal sat down and rested his head on Daryl's shoulder as they regained their breath and tried not to break down.

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

I love them, your honor. It sucks that Beth gets taken just after they started to bond!!! It kills me.

Next we'll meet the lovely Joe as Daryl and Cal join the Claimers! Woohoo... I wonder how that will end. Definitely not badly, right?

SONG: Dreams by Fleetwood Mac

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like, they keep me motivated! However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.