❛ Lonely girl, you lost the only thing you loved. Nothing that you ever have is ever good enough and I won't be the one to keep you safe. ❜

SEASON 4, EPISODE 9
after

━━━━━━ October 15, 2011

AFTER THE TEARS CAME the rage, and for once, it wasn't Bianca who lost herself.

⠀⠀⠀Carl was unabashedly distraught after the tragic fate of Judith. He blamed himself for her death; he carried it as if he had ripped her from the bassinet and killed her himself. His anger rippled from him. He wasn't only angry at himself but his dad for not being able to save her and the world for taking away the only innocent thing left.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca held a thousand comforting things to say to Carl, but she knew this person in front of her. Bianca could see her on the outskirts of Atlanta screaming at the world because she thought no one would listen. Carl wouldn't hear anything she had to say, not right now. He blamed himself as Bianca did for her family. She'd lost her brother in the night and her dad at the end of her gun. The memory rattled in her head with a razor's edge as it scraped the sides.

⠀⠀⠀As they walked away from the prison, Carl angry and Rick near death, Bianca found herself suffocating. Carl released his anger on Rick; he walked too fast and disregarded their need to take it slow. Bianca felt invisible for the most part as she was stuck in between a fight she didn't want to have.

⠀⠀⠀"Wait outside, okay? Keep watch," Rick asked Carl. They found an old restaurant on their path that hopefully had provisions they could scrape together.

⠀⠀⠀"You keep watch," Carl snapped at him. "You can barely stand. I'm not gonna let you go in there alone."

⠀⠀⠀Barely here, Bianca thought to herself.

⠀⠀⠀"Excuse me?" Rick sneered.

⠀⠀⠀"We've done this before. I'm gonna help you clear it. You should just let me and Bianca do it," he muttered bitterly.

⠀⠀⠀Rick disregarded his son but didn't argue him out of helping. He glanced at Bianca and then nodded. She rolled her shoulders to prepare herself as he opened the door.

⠀⠀⠀They walked to three separate rooms—left, right, and straight ahead—Bianca and Rick called out 'clear' for their areas, but Carl stayed silent. They found him in the dining hall. A stack of wooden chairs barricaded the front bar while a walker stiffly approached them.

⠀⠀⠀"That may be all that's left," Rick said, motioning toward the partially stocked kitchen behind the walker.

⠀⠀⠀"I can get it from here," Carl said. He already had his gun out and cocked the trigger.

⠀⠀⠀"No," Rick snapped at him. "No, it's weak. I'll draw it out. Stay back."

⠀⠀⠀Rick pulled the barricaded chairs down, allowing the walker to come closer. Rick then limped to the side of the room and grabbed an ax off the table.

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe I should—" Bianca tried to offer, but the blade was already part-way through the skull.

⠀⠀⠀"Damn it," Rick muttered when the ax got stuck. He looked at Carl and warned, "Don't."

⠀⠀⠀Carl took the shot anyway. The walker slumped forward, and Rick let go of the handle. He turned to Carl with a fatherly glare.

⠀⠀⠀"I said not to."

⠀⠀⠀"You couldn't do it with the ax!" Carl exclaimed.

⠀⠀⠀"I had it," Rick assured him between raspy breaths. "Every bullet counts. What if you needed that one later? See what you can find. Then let's move on."

AN HOUR LATER, RICK stopped them outside a suburban house similar to where they met Sam and Ana. The house was nestled away from the street between oak trees with a light blue paint job and a white front door. The whole street still looked neat and pristine, as if families were inside winding down from the day. And here they stood, bloodied and tired, about to enter and destroy the illusion that anything was still the same.

⠀⠀⠀"That one's good as any," Rick grumbled as he limped beside Carl.

⠀⠀⠀Rick entered first, with Bianca and Carl behind him. Their guns were raised, and they paused for any walkers to make their move first. Nothing sounded, so Carl turned right, Rick took left, and Bianca headed center. She walked heel to toe, swiveling her head to compensate for her deaf ear, and double-checked every corner. Her shoulders were tensed, gun out in front of her, and suddenly BANG!

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, asshole! Hey, shitface! Hey—"

⠀⠀⠀It was Carl that made her jump. He slammed his fist against the wall and called any walkers in their vicinity toward them. Bianca walked out and frowned as she looked between father and son.

⠀⠀⠀"Watch your mouth!" Rick shouted at him.

⠀⠀⠀"Are you kidding me? If there's one of them down there, they would have come out," Carl snapped.

⠀⠀⠀Rick glared at his son for a long moment, unable to say anything. Then, Carl headed upstairs and left the two adults alone.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca glanced at Rick, uncomfortable.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm checking outside. Kitchen's clear," she whispered and headed for the backyard.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca released a long, exhausted breath when the door clicked closed. Her back pressed against the door, and for a moment, she was alone. She didn't let it get to her yet, as the backyard had yet to be cleared. She gripped her gun and traced the perimeter of the fence. There was a swing set and an overgrown garden but nothing else.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca headed for the garden rather than inside when she cleared the backyard. The plants were bright green and leafy, but nothing edible grew from what she could tell. Her fingers trailed along the stems and outlines of leaves that led her mind to a greenhouse.

⠀⠀⠀She could see Sam in the tree and Ana below, catching apricots in her basket. How they smiled and loved each other beyond compare. How Ana died and how death followed. The Governor's arrival, the prison burning, losing Cal (again), and Judith's demise. Everything crumbled between Bianca's fingers, and all she had left seemed to fall to the wayside.

⠀⠀⠀How long would they last until Carl or Rick were dead? How long until she was the only one left standing with a gun pointed at her head?

⠀⠀⠀A hand rested on her shoulder. Bianca didn't realize she was crying until his shadow was cast over her. Bianca looked back to see Rick there. His blue eyes battered like the rest of him. One was swollen shut, the whites of his eyes turning red, and the skin started to bruise. He attempted a smile, but it barely met his lips. What was there to smile about? All they could do was survive, and Bianca had to wonder if that was even worth it anymore.

⠀⠀⠀"You should've killed me when I asked," Bianca found herself saying. And she felt it. Every bone and muscle, and tissue of her body screamed in agony. She was tired of just surviving. How she found herself torn apart and brought together again, only to be burned worse. She wanted more than this. She wanted a home. She wanted a family. She wanted to sit on the couch with Cal's arm around her as they had movie nights with close friends. She wanted to live.

⠀⠀⠀This was not living. This was dying.

⠀⠀⠀Rick didn't respond. His barely-there smile snapped into a firm line as his brows furrowed into worry. She didn't linger but returned inside.

THE HOUSE WAS BARELY lit, with only the moon creeping through the window to keep them company. Carl had knotted the door shut with an HDMI cord, but Rick wanted to ensure it'd hold with the couch. Both he and Bianca worked to push it against the door. Her muscles screamed in pain while Rick didn't seem to fair much better, making the attempt pitiful at best.

⠀⠀⠀"I tied the door shut," Carl snapped at them. He looked over his shoulder with an aggravated scowl that she assumed would never disappear.

⠀⠀⠀"We don't need to take any chances," Rick said.

⠀⠀⠀"You don't think it'll hold?"

⠀⠀⠀"Carl."

⠀⠀⠀"It's a strong knot. Clove hitch," Carl said, then buried the final nail into the coffin. "Shane taught me. Remember him?"

⠀⠀⠀The room grew cold as Rick stood straight. They were all there, Bianca suddenly realized, separated from the pack once before as they were now. The farm felt like years ago, but it was hardly months. It was different then. Carl was a boy who killed his father, Bianca was reluctant to help save anyone but herself, and Rick was a strong man and a better leader.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, I remember him," Rick said. "I remember him every day. There somethin' else you want to say to me?"

⠀⠀⠀Carl stood away from the door and reached for the couch. He pulled it toward the door, and Rick took the hint. The two of them worked together to finish the job.

⠀⠀⠀"This'll have to do for the night," Rick said with finality.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca took her cue and curled onto the pile of blankets that constituted her bed. Rick pushed food onto Carl, and the two bickered some more, but soon the house became quiet. Then, Bianca realized that it had never been quiet in all her time on the road.

⠀⠀⠀The CDC was possibly the quietest she had found, but the sound of electricity and snoring filled the void. Outside Atlanta, the buzzing of cicadas and the brush of trees overlapped. On the farm, they were practically on top of one another. The prison is side-by-side in jail cells. This was the first time it was dead silent.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's mind wandered the space, allowing her thoughts from the garden to return tenfold. The dead visited behind closed eyes; their voices whispered in her ears, and last moments, roared to life. The sound of cannons and gunfire raining down on the prison deafened her. Her home was destroyed, her friends gone, and Cal... missing once again. This time she didn't think she could find him.

⠀⠀⠀And then, she sobbed. Curled into a ball in the middle of someone else's home, Bianca heaved until she thought she would throw up. Tears soaked into her pillow, and her body shook with agony. Her heart pounded in her chest, and blood filled her head.

⠀⠀⠀Neither Rick nor Carl said a word.

━━━━━━ October 16, 2011

BIANCA WOKE TO CARL leaving with the door slamming shut behind him. She was out of it, one foot with the living and the other with the dead. She tried to force herself up but couldn't find it in her too. She convinced herself Carl would be alright. He could take care of himself. The suburbs were safe! She had to force herself to believe that removing any thought of Sam or Ana or the man with that malicious glint in her eye from her mind. He would be fine...

⠀⠀⠀Time passed. How much? She didn't know. All she knew was the sun peeked through the blinds and lit the room. Rick was out cold on the couch, much like how she felt. Her muscles began to move, and she pulled herself to sit beside him. His face was covered in dried cuts, and his chest moved a hair's breadth, but it assured her he was alive. Bianca thought of cleaning his face, but her legs turned to jelly when she tried to stand. So, instead, she sat beside him and brushed the curls from his face.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca and Rick had been through so much together. Nearly everything since he first arrived and then saved her a hundred times. If Glenn hadn't found them, they would've survived with Shane for a while, but it wouldn't be the same. There would be an iron fist around them, something similar to the Governor's regime, and their family would hardly exist as they'd be at each other's throats.

⠀⠀⠀Despite everything Rick had done to her, Bianca knew he was the right call as leader in the early day. And she was glad that it was him she was stuck with after escaping the prison.

⠀⠀⠀She worried about Cal, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, and all the others. She hoped they'd find each other again, but it felt fruitless. A tear slipped down her cheek.

⠀⠀⠀The backdoor opened, and Carl entered. He stood at the foot of the couch with a stern glare pinned to his dad and not even a glance at Bianca.

⠀⠀⠀"I killed three walkers. They were at the door," Carl began. "They were gonna get in, but I lured them away. I killed 'em. I saved you. I saved you," he said. When he spoke 'I saved you' the second time, he glared at her, and she felt guilty. "I didn't forget while you had us playing farmer or house. I still know how to survive. Lucky for us."

⠀⠀⠀Carl waited for a response, not from Bianca, but from Rick, who hadn't even twitched since he walked in.

⠀⠀⠀"I don't need you anymore. Either of you. I don't need you to protect me anymore. I can take care of myself. You probably can't even protect me anyways. You couldn't protect Judith. You couldn't protect..." he sighed and continued softer but harsh. "Hershel or Glenn or Maggie. Michonne, Daryl... or Mom." He looked at Bianca, and her heart broke. "You just wanted to plant vegetables. You just wanted to hide. He knew where we were, and you didn't care! You just hid behind those fences and waited for—" he sighed again, calming himself. "They're all gone now. Because of you! They counted on you! You were their leader!" Carl sniffled. "But now... you're nothing."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca thought he was finished, and he took a moment to breathe. Then his small glances turned to a full stare. His cheeks were rosy, and his blue eyes were a mix of disappointment and fury.

⠀⠀⠀"And you. You're weak. You're getting weaker every day because you lost Cal again. You're becoming a dead weight we have to protect. You couldn't my mom, your boyfriend, anyone, and—" he cut himself off. He sighed and walked over to his bag to grab some food. "I'd be fine if you died."

(TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT! SKIP TO THE NEXT SCENE!)

LIPSTICK, EYE SHADOW, TYLENOL, hair bands, brushes, trash, old receipts, a hundred things inside the drawers, and not one thing Bianca was looking for. She moved from the kitchen into the downstairs bathroom. There was nothing behind the mirror and even less in the cabinets. She went upstairs. That bathroom had beauty products and some sanitary products. The kids' room had toys and books. Then, as she rifled through the room of who she assumed was a teenage girl, she found something.

⠀⠀⠀Oxycodone.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's head spun as she raised the orange pill bottle to eye level. She shook the container and heard the rattle of pills inside. Her heart began to race at the nearly thirty-day supply.

⠀⠀⠀She'd been saying it for a while now, but Carl set the truth into stone. She was just getting people killed. Rick might've been able to dissuade her suicidal thoughts for a minute, but they came back in full force in this dead house. If she stayed, she might lead Carl to his death. She didn't want that. She loved Carl despite any hurtful words he said to her.

⠀⠀⠀And what luck did Bianca have in finding Cal again? Or anyone else, for that matter. Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Beth, Michonne... they were all dead or long gone. They had no rendezvous, nowhere they could return with the thought that others might follow. This wasn't the farm where they could return to the highway.

⠀⠀⠀Now, it was survive or die.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca opened the bottle and dropped the pills into her head. They were small, circular, and a rusty orange color. Indented on one side were the characters 'I2'. The pill was made for treating depression, but she wanted it for the other effect.

⠀⠀⠀She didn't want to waste water, so one by one, she popped one into her mouth and dry swallowed. Slowly she started to kill herself. As she passed another through her lips, she thought of her friends and family.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca thought of Cal and their first meeting on the front lawn staring at the sky.

⠀⠀⠀Elena, her roommate, and best friend, as they stayed up late watching Aubrey Hepburn movies and gossiping about their classmates.

⠀⠀⠀Eugene and the time they tried to go to class as one another as kids since they were twins.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl and that first night he saved her.

⠀⠀⠀Glenn and the dinner at the CDC as they drank too much wine, and for the first time, they were a family.

⠀⠀⠀Rick and when he had realized Carl and Lori were still alive.

⠀⠀⠀And Carl...

⠀⠀⠀He was just a boy still. She remembered him outside Atlanta as she taught him and Sophia 'magic numbers.' When he was shot, she told him the story of how she and Cal met. The night he snuck out and the farm burned down. Sitting inside the prison as his mom died. He was her best friend, her little brother, and he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her.

⠀⠀⠀Her vision started to blur. Bianca stood and walked to the bed to sit down. Her brain grew fuzzy, and her eyes were heavy with sleep. This didn't feel like the death she was worthy of. It was so simple... so easy. All I have to do is fall asleep? she thought, Easy.

⠀⠀⠀This wasn't how everyone else died. Bianca wasn't mauled by a walker, shot in the head, exploded at the CDC, bit, chopped, crushed, pushed, tripped—

⠀⠀⠀Her eyes gently closed, and she lay on the bed. She could feel her body heat up, and her muscles felt rigid. Her breathing became shallow, and suddenly, there was only black and the fading image of Cal in her mind.

(TRIGGER WARNING END!)

━━━━━━ October 17, 2011

BLACK DOTS THAT SWARMED Bianca's vision slowly prickled away. Rather than the fiery pits of hell she expected, there was Rick. Always Rick. He hovered over her with a soft smile as he greeted her back to the land of the living. Bianca's breath stuttered, and she turned on her side where a bucket waited. Her stomach heaved, and she threw up what little she had in her stomach. It was a cloudy clear with bits of orange mixed in.

⠀⠀⠀"It's okay. You're okay," Rick whispered, his hand smoothed down her back in a circular motion to comfort her.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca didn't know if she was okay. Her head spun, and tears sprang to her eyes as she realized she didn't want to die. Or did she? She didn't know, but she knew seeing Rick was better than anything she could imagine.

⠀⠀⠀Rick wiped her lips with a damp cloth before he pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. His hand rested on the middle of her back and his other on her head as he rocked them side to side. Bianca could feel tears on her cheek that weren't her own, and she realized that she never considered they did want her around. They had lost so much, and she lost herself, too. She realized that despite losing so much, she still had Rick and Carl. Going forward, that was what she needed to focus on.

⠀⠀⠀"There's still hope," Rick whispered. He pulled away from the hug. His eyes were puffy and red with worry, but a smile lit up his entire face. "Do you feel okay? Can you stand?"

⠀⠀⠀Bianca attempted to stand, but she stumbled.

⠀⠀⠀"It's alright, I've got you," Rick muttered. He held his arm out to her, and she clung to him as they walked down the stairs.

⠀⠀⠀A woman stood in the living room. Her dark skin was like a shadow on a waning day, and a katana strapped to her back glittered in the sun. Bianca choked as the woman turned with a familiar face and dazzling smile.

⠀⠀⠀Michonne.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca went to greet her but was immediately rammed into by Carl. His arms wrapped around her waist, and his shoulders shook up and down with tears.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't—I didn't know, I didn't mean it, I was just... I was just scared and afraid and—" he stopped himself. He pulled back and stared intently into her face. "I would not be fine if you died. You're my best friend, Bianca."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca smiled, her voice hoarse and throat closing from the tears. But she forced herself to say, "You're my best friend, too."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca held him tight again. Rick and Michonne joined as they allowed themselves a moment to put their guards down and be thankful they had each other.

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

GIVE A BIG THANK YOU TO IXCXEL . She proofread the chapter for me to make sure the attempted suicide came off the best that it could. I don't want to offend anyone in this depiction of Bianca's mental health since I, personally, have never experienced suicidal thoughts. If you feel like my portrayal of suicide comes off badly, please let me know and I will work to fix it.

And know that there's always help out there if you or someone you know needs help. Call your local suicide and crisis lifelines for help. 💖

Shhhh, I know Bianca should have probably woken up when Carl was stomping around the house or shooting walkers outside but this way... it works, OKAY?!

I really give Bianca the short end of the stick don't I? I'm rethinking some future plans because of how much shit I throw at her and not at Cal... but I also like my future plans. Their fun. I don't know, I'm torn.

SONG: Lonely Girl by Tonight Alive

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like, they keep me motivated! However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.