I want to say that I was back on my feet quickly and I joined Paul in directing the war efforts to help defend the Fremen, but that would be a lie. The truth is I wasn't much help to anyone or anything. In fact, I didn't even do anything for what felt like hours. The most I had done was tell Paul about Alia, in which that case he already knew and assured me she was fine, so even that was useless.

Once Paul had let me go, I just sat down and existed for hours. People were yelling over my head and running back and forth, but all I could do was sit still and stare at my feet. I play over everything. I played over every moment with Leto I could remember. I played over his birth and his first words. I thought about my favourite moments at night when I would try to tuck him into bed but he would never let go of my finger. I tried to remember how he felt in my arms every time I cuddled him, and once I imagined that feeling I couldn't find it in myself to stop imagining. I wanted to feel Leto forever.

My father came by to talk to me. So did Jessica. So did a few other people, but it didn't change how I felt. Or what I was doing. I continued to stare at the floor and play over my emotions and memories. I could care less if people judged me for it. I almost forgot we were in the middle of a war, and I was meant to be concerned for the lives of my loved ones.

Time came and went so fast. Paul came up to me a kneeled, taking my face in his hands.

"I need to go, Lia." He kissed my forehead. "I will be back, I promise. Take care of yourself here, but if you'd like to join the fight you are more than welcome to."

I nodded, not really processing his words. I wondered what I had done to deserve his patience and understanding despite the circumstances. He kissed me again before standing up and walking away.

I wondered how I could be this useless. It was as if everyone around me was packing and preparing for this big trip I wasn't attending. Actually, that's exactly what this was. 

I blinked and looked around the camp. There were little to no more people left, the majority of the Fremen had begun making their way to the battle field to fight the Harkonnens. The guilt began to swallow me. I was ready to let my brothers and sisters die, and not even be there myself.

The Fremen were fighting for their land right now. There was a war going on, and for some reason, I had the privilege of walking away from it. I thought of my family, and how every person I cared about was out risking their lives. Why was I still here? How could I be here? I had to fight with them. I had to keep them safe.

I had to snap out of it. I was grieving but I couldn't be selfish right now. I had to join my people. I pushed myself up and grabbed one of the blades off a side table and took off running in the direction of the fighting.

The camp I was previously in was set up close to the battlefield, and it didn't take me long to find it as I could hear the sounds of war cries and fighting as I approached. 

In the distance, I could see the war and the fighting already taking place. Something inside me tensed as I observed the action in front of me. People fighting, people crying, people on the ground. Hundreds of bodies fighting each other with no real instruction or sequence. But the anxiety settled as I came to the realization that this was real. Right in front of me, this was war.

Surprisingly, it didn't take long for the adrenaline to kick and push my sadness and pain aside. There wasn't any time for emotion, just blood

I inched my way closer to the fight until I found myself surrounded by people in one-on-one fights with our opponents. The Harkonnens. The air was thick with the scent of spice and the metallic tang of blood. I felt out of place, almost invisible as I watched the conflict play out around me. Amidst the chaos of the battlefield, I felt the weight of my sword in my hand, reminding me of my purpose.

The clash of steel against steel filled my ears, a never-ending symphony of violence.  The sweat on my brow mixed with the dirt on my face and I could feel my heart begin to pound as the reality of this war began to settle. This was real. These are my people, and they're dying.

Across from me, a faceless Harkonnen caught my eye. His eyes locked onto mine, and I saw the same unwavering determination reflected in his gaze. In that pivotal instant, it was simply him and me, a deadly dance on the stage of fate.

With a swift, calculated motion, I surged forward, my blade cleaving through the air with lethal precision. His weapon met mine in a deafening collision, and our strengths proved evenly matched. Sparks erupted as we parried and struck, engaged in a deadly fight for survival.

My breath came in gasps, but I continued to fight. I had trained for this. My body was designed for it, I knew I could win this fight. Victory wasn't an option; it was a necessity. I had to win for my family; for me. 

In a moment of opportunity, I saw my chance. I feigned a weary stumble, my opponent's guard dropping momentarily in anticipation of a finishing blow. Swift as lightning, I lunged forward, my blade finding its mark. With a resounding strike, my sword pierced my opponent's defences, and he staggered back, his weapon falling from his grasp.

That was it. I had won, though it was at the cost of my opponent's life. Is this how it feels to murder? Is this how Leto's murderers felt when they took the life of an innocent baby boy?

I did not have time to wonder because my next opponent came into sight and I went at it again, moving in the same swift motions as I did the first time. My body began to ache as I performed the same maneuvers repeatedly, over and over. It was as though I was caught in this never-ending dance, performing the same thing over and over again hoping this won't be the time I slip up.

As the war continued, I couldn't help but wonder what happen next. Do we fight until we can't anymore? Do we wait for a signal from Paul? I wasn't sure when the fighting would end. But for now, I was a woman fighting for my life.

Amidst the relentless fighting, my focus wavered for just a moment, and that's when I saw him. My father was locked in a deadly duel of his own. Our eyes met across the chaos of the battlefield, and in that brief connection, I saw a mixture of love and worry in his gaze.

He was more than my father; he was my mentor, my inspiration, my rock. But in that dreadful instant, my heart sank as I witnessed the unthinkable. An enemy's sword pierced his chest, and my father staggered, his face contorted in pain.

Without a second thought, I abandoned my current opponent, my sword slipping from my grasp as I rushed toward my dad. The world around me faded as my sole focus became reaching him.

"Dad!" I cried. I turned my focus to his opponent who had his arm raised, ready to deliver a final blow but I sent my heel into his side, knocking him off balance. The adrenaline took over as I removed the blade from his grasp, sending it into his side. 

The soldier froze before toppling over but I didn't care. I gave him no more attention and turned my focus back to my father who laid on the ground, his face no longer in pain but rather exhaustion. 

"It's okay, Dad" I told him, "I'll get you some help." I reached over in an attempt to grab his shoulder. 

"Stop." He told me, refusing my arm for help. "It's no use."

I ignored him and tried shouting for help over the battle cries but he grabbed my arm to stop me. "Don't, Lia," he said, "Fight your fight. Win your war. Don't worry about me, you're a good girl."

I do worry about you, I wanted to scream at him, but it wouldn't have mattered. I could see the life leaving his eyes and I knew he was gone. Just like that. Just like my baby Leto. 

This wasn't right. Gurney Halleck was a war hero, he didn't lose a fight. Why, of all fights, did he need to take his eyes away from his opponent? Because he saw me, I reminded myself.

Kneeling beside him, I cradled his head in my arms. The world around me was now gone. It was just me and my father. Tears streamed down my face as I stared at his empty eyes. I wondered what I had done to deserve the loss of both my child and father within mere hours of each other.

***

hey guys how is it going ! hope you guys are enjoying your new school year. i'm starting my fourth year and working on my honours thesis, looking at grad schools to apply to next year its making me so nervy. anyway, sorry about gurney :( had to happen

with love,
via <3