A few days had passed and I hadn't spoken to Paul. I wasn't quite sure what I was doing, I was taking one day at a time and doing everything to not feel lonely.

Paul could choose another woman over me. Paul could go and marry Princess Irulan and never speak to me again. He could send me to another planet if he was sick of me. He could betray me in a million different ways and I would not bat an eye. But to know he could have interfered with our child's death, to know he saw it coming, yet he did nothing about it... that was the ultimate betrayal. That was a feeling I did not want to face because the rage was blinding.

The thought of me made me want to scream. I wanted to get mad and tell him how badly it hurt. I wanted him to know how this tore me apart from the inside. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I was hurting. But when I opened my mouth to say something, nothing came out. I couldn't find the words to say anything at all.

For the first few days, I always felt weak and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. My vision was light. I did not want to be here in Arrakis anymore. I did not want to look at that boy ever again. This stranger I did not know. 

After what had happened I left the palace and into the desert alone while the Fremen celebrated their victory. I travelled straight back to our sietch, but it was mostly empty aside from a few of the children and older women who had stayed back. Everything was quiet, everyone was preparing to leave. Everyone was preparing for what was next.

I wasn't sure what was next. Not for me, at least. In my heart I was Fremen, I could feel it in my soul, but I wasn't sure if the others would accept me as such anymore. Without a husband, without a child, what could I contribute? I did not want to wait for their rejection, so I left again.

I couldn't bear being near our old home. I couldn't stand the thought of baby Leto being murdered. I did not want to walk through the area we had been raising him. I didn't want to remember that life anymore so I continued through the desert.

I ached for my father who I no longer had, but I had no tears to offer him. I had no water to waste. Instead, I told myself to be strong the way I knew he would be if he were in my spot. What would my father tell me right now if he was here?

To go home, most likely. But where was my home? 

Eventually, with nothing left to explore, I found myself back in Arakeen. I did not want to be there, but there was nowhere else I could think of going. No matter how far I traveled and how much I kept busy my heart burned with grief and loss. I couldn't run from the feeling anymore.

I stood outside the palace doors and stared at the building. I did not want to go back inside. What would I be returning to? A man who did not want me? A life without my child? What was my role now? Who was I without my husband and without my son? There was no life left for me inside the palace. 

So I stood outside and watched as people went in and out. The sun felt hot against my cheek, I wondered if I would burn. The sweat was building on the back of my neck from the heat of my hair. For how long I stood there I wasn't sure, but it was the calling of my name that took me out of my trance.

"Ophelia?"

The voice was deep, cold, but strangely vulnerable. Different and almost unfamiliar, but I knew who it was.

"Ophelia." Feyd called again from a few feet behind me. I turned to face him and the sun was blinding, but I could still see his smile. Faint and tired, but a smile nonetheless. 

"Hello," I said plainly, offering him a small smile with the little energy I had left. I raised my right hand to my forehead to help block the sun from my eyes.

I could see him better. He was his same pale self, but he looked tired. He looked like he was trying to hold it together but I could see the sadness and exhaustion in his eyes. He looked like me. 

"Have you been here since..." I stopped, not wanting to mention his loss in Kanly. 

He realized what I was asking and shook his head. "No, I just came back to... well, I'm not sure why I came back. I thought maybe I had forgotten something."

I nodded and we were both quiet. Despite my anger and profound sadness, his presence brought me a sense of nostalgia. I thought back to when we first met how I was attracted to his kindness, and how quickly his aggression spoiled him.

But here we were, and he looked kind again. I missed the kind version of him I never really had, but sometimes wish I did. 

"How are you?" He asked me to break the silence. He was still standing six feet away as if he were unsure whether he could come closer.

"Horrible. I've been horrible." I answered quietly. 

Feyd nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."

"And you?" I asked him.

He nodded again. "I've been horrible as well."

I could have laughed because our exchange was objectively funny, after all, but I didn't. Neither did he. Neither of us cracked so much as a smile. I supposed there was no humour in feeling horrible. 

"Do you..." He began and raised his hand as if to reach out but hesitated. "Would you like to come with me?"

I stared at him for a moment. I looked between him and the palace, and then I stared at him some more.

"Okay."

***

"Haven't forgotten this place now, have you?" He joked, taking my hand as he helped me out of the aircraft. He did not let go once I had safely exited.

"Tleilax," I whispered, my eyes skimming the familiar greenery. This is where Feyd had brought the two of us ages ago. The spot he used to come to as a child. 

My feet felt so odd against the grass, even with my shoes. I had become so used to the texture of sand and stone that I forgot what it was like to stand on grass. More importantly, the smell of dry sand was nothing compared to that of nature.

He led the two of us to the same beach we had been at last time. It looked just as I had remembered it, it almost made me uncomfortable. The paths were still overgrown, and the trees still leaned in to offer shade to the many rocks that lined the cliff. It all felt the same. It made me feel young again. It made everything else in my life feel a little less real.

He sat down on a flat rock that faced the water which seemed to go on forever past the horizon. I took a seat beside him and stared at our joint hands. His fingers were laced with mine. It felt odd. It was comforting, like it was what I needed, but it felt wrong. A small pang of guilt sat at the bottom of my stomach. 

We sat in silence for a few minutes before he spoke. "I remember the first time you came here with me."

I nodded. "So do I."

Silence took over again. I continued to observe

"You don't talk much anymore." He told me quietly.

"I don't have much to say anymore," I answered.

"I guess war does that to some people."

"Loss will also do that to some people," I corrected.

He nodded but didn't say anything more. The silence returned.

I spotted some movement from the corner of my eye and realized it was a bunny. The floppy ears gave it away. The sight was comforting, it reminded me of the bunnies we'd see on Caladan whenever you'd walk through the gardens. It also reminded me of the desert mouse with the big ears that you could find back on Arrakis, the Muad'Dib. The Muad'Dib...

"Do you think we ever would have gotten married?" I decided to ask.

Feyd shrugged and his eyes fell to the dirt below our feet. "If I knew how to be a better person, then maybe. But no, I don't think we ever would have." He turned his head halfway to meet my eye. "God, I wish we would have, but I don't think there is a universe where I would have been good enough for you. You never would have picked me. I don't think I would have wanted you to."

Feyd looked away. I was surprised by his honesty. I should be angry right now, I should be universes away from this man who had hurt me and my family in more ways than I could count. But in this moment, I couldn't help but respect him. Feyd was never perfect, but I know we shared something together at some point. If he had been raised better, led a different life, and had different opinions, then maybe something would have been there. But that just isn't how things are. I could see his growth in his eyes. I could hear it in the way he spoke to me. I know that deep down, a great guy was still hiding.

I think that in another life maybe I could have loved Feyd-Rautha. I think that if the stars aligned, he and I would have worked well together. If I was raised to be a submissive follower to my partner like most wives were in our universe, I would have been a very good wife to him. I'm sure I would have loved to play into that role, and he would have desired me as he believes he does now.

I could feel the coolness of his skin as his thumb rubbed the outside of my hand. It was therapeutic.

"Why did you allow yourself to surrender to Paul?" I decided to ask him.

Feyd was quiet for a long time and he stared at the water for what felt like ages before he answered. "I stopped caring, I think. It didn't matter anymore. What is the point of my pride if everyone around me will always be disappointed anyway? There is nothing left for me to prove to anyone."

"You used to have so much fire," I watched him quietly, "that fire used to scare me. Your passion and your ambition used to scare me a lot. But to see you now without it, that's even more terrifying. I don't know how much it takes to break that type of person."

His gaze rested on his feet as he bit the inside of his cheek before shaking his head bitterly. "If the whole world is pinning against you, that's fine. You'll survive. But when your own family gives up on you... when no matter what you do it will never be enough... that is when you give up." He pursed his lips and let out a breath. "What is the point of trying when you will always be a disappointment even after you succeed? What is the point of trying when, in the end, they expect you to give your life without ever acknowledging the sacrifice?"

His response made me pity him. How miserable he must be to have given up on himself. How empty he must feel to have given up on his image. To stop caring must be a significant self-betrayal.

"You deserve someone good," I told him, meeting his eyes. "You can still be a good man, Feyd. You deserve someone who will let you be a good man."

He did not answer. He did not respond with something corny or manipulative, suggesting that I was that person for him. Maybe it was because he already knew it wasn't me, too. Instead, he just nodded.

"I hope one day you find the strength to walk away from this life that has hurt you." I squeeze his hand ever so slightly, "and I hope you find your peace with someone who will appreciate you."

I should have run from him the moment I saw him. But I am weak, and for one moment I just wanted to have someone to tell me how to navigate my grief. Someone unconnected to my pain. Someone who would take charge and tell me how I am supposed to feel.

I found so much temporary relief in going to Feyd for comfort because I knew he would say the things I needed to hear. I know he will touch me and speak to me with the softness that I need right now, and he will create a false sense of protection while I'm vulnerable and dealing with the betrayal of my husband. And that is what this was; temporary. This was the easy way out. The right thing will never feel easy.

This wasn't fair and it wasn't right. Not for me, not for Feyd. I knew I was being swept up in the dream of what it would be like to be his just like I had fantasized those many months ago, but that's all it ever was. Fantasy.

"We could start over here, you know?" He spoke softly. That's all he ever seemed to do lately, speak softly. As if I would break if he spoke with too much force.

I nodded in response. A life with Feyd-Rautha? What would that even look like? Where would we live? What would I do? Would I be happy? Would I have more children? What about Leto?

There is no Leto. Leto was gone. I didn't want to start anything over, I wanted what I had before. I wanted my child. I wanted my husband. I wanted my family.

If I could not have Leto, could I at least still have Paul?

"What am I doing here?" I whispered to no one in particular. My eyes were locked along the horizon and my right cheek felt warm from the sunset.

Slowly, I stood up and let his hand fall from mine. His eyes followed me as I moved to leave.

"Where are you going?"

I paused and thought. "Home, I think."

I left him there. And for once, he did not try to stop me.

***

oops im not sure if anyone saw that but i accidentally published this chapter 30 minutes before i finished it... but its up now! (and complete)

how are you lovelies? this story should be done soon in a few more chapters, i am getting back in my writing grove, its more just trying to make sense of the ending i had planned originally 3 years ago and writing it out now. there are some loose ends im trying to cover.

what do you guys think of this sort of feyd-rautha redemption character thing? i feel bad for him a bit, i didn't want to villainize him completely. would you have rathered she stayed with feyd? or do you want her to go back to paul?

anyway, this year my goal is to continue writing the timothee fanfic i began that you can find on my profile. give it a read, i will be continuing it when i finish this story! its called "paired to the prince".

with love,
via <3