I would like to think home was Caladan, but the truth is that Caladan stopped being home a long time ago. Caladan was my childhood and I loved every moment I spent running through the green grass and swimming in the cool ocean. It was warmth. It was comfort.

More recently, Arrakis had become my home. It was where I got to have and love my son. It is where I learned and assimilated into a whole new culture that I never fathomed existing. It brought beauty to my image of the desert.

But Arrakis is still not my home. It was for some time, but right now my heart doesn't really feel at home on a single planet. I don't think any planet would fill that feeling of melancholy and unease. My home is with a person, and he is who I'm here to find.

I made my way through the empty halls of the palace. There were no familiar faces or important people on their way to meetings. It was odd to see no one other than the few guards that guarded the different entryways. It was as if everyone had gone on vacation to celebrate the end of a war. Perhaps that is exactly what had happened.

I loved the minimalist architecture of the building. Even more, I loved the odd exotic plants that could be found at every other corner of the building. A sign of life and wealth on a planet where greenery was non-existent. It reminded me of where I was, and it reminded me of my insignificance and unimportance in a building full of very important people.

The halls felt endless, and I wasn't sure where I was headed, but I knew I'd run into him eventually. I was not worried about not finding him, I was scared of what I would say when I finally did.

I wasn't sure of my emotions. The tightness in my chest told me that I was still angry. I was still hurt. I still had so many questions for Paul and I was not sure I was ready for his answers. Was my anger misplaced? Were his actions justified? I didn't know. I didn't want to feel crazy anymore. I needed to understand. 

I could hear audio lectures quietly coming from one of the dark rooms. I came to a stop just in front of the doorway where I couldn't see anything in the pitch-black room except for the white light of the hologram which filled the room with different visuals and texts. The faint light was illuminating a young girl's face as her eyes scanned the air, processing the information.

"Alia?" I called.

The girl turned and I could see her familiar round face and bright eyes, though she appeared much older than the last time I saw her. She was growing at such an alarming rate, I remember how Jessica was expressing her concerns a few weeks ago about when her aging would slow to a normal human speed.

Alia's expression, which was once narrowed in curiosity, softened at the sight of me in the doorway. "Hello, Lia. How are you?"

I peered into the room. It was safe to say she had been studying something to do with the stars, some sort of astronomy. 

"I'm well, thank you," I attempted a smile. "How are you?"

She smiled, almost knowing. "I'm doing great. Paul is around the corner in his study. He thinks of you."

She always spoke quite ominously so I tried not to think too hard about her words. 

I thanked her again and continued down the hall. One of the doors was cracked open, so I quietly pushed it open to see Paul's back as he faced away from me and out the window, watching something outside.

He was very beautiful. I always admired that about him, but always in an innocent school-girl way, back when we were younger. His hair was always fluffy and his smile was always charming. But there was something more mature about the way he held himself now. His presence gave off a sense of authority and confidence that I could not help but respect. But I was not here to admire him. In fact the sight of him made me sad. I still had things to say.  

"You knew."

I watched his back straighten. He turned so that his eyes could meet mine, but I couldn't see the colour anymore. They looked almost lifeless. He just stared at me with guilt.

I felt a pang in my chest I couldn't name. I felt winded, my eyes began to water as the raw emotions I felt a few days ago came flooding back. He knew that our child was going to die. He knew Leto was going to die and he gave me no warning, he made no attempt to stop it. He let Leto die. Right? Our baby. My baby. My sweet, sweet boy. 

How could Paul have done this? How could he let me suffer like this? Why did he let this happen? I wanted to be here. I wanted to see Paul. But I also could not find myself to forgive him for this just yet.

"Why?" My voice cracked. "Why did you let him die-" I couldn't stop the sob that escaped me.

His face broke, his lips turning down and the pain evident in his features. He didn't deserve to feel bad. Paul didn't get to sit here and act like he was in the same pain as me.

"I understand the time and can see into the past, present, and future, Lia," he tried to explain, "but I can't do anything about it. I couldn't have to stopped it if I wanted to."

"Really?" I pleaded with him. "I refuse to believe you couldn't have even tried."

He shook his head. "You don't get it-"

"I don't get it?" I challenged, my chest beating. I curled my hand in anger. "You don't get to act surprised and sad that our child died when you knew Paul! You didn't even warn me, you couldn't even tell me-"

"You don't get it!" He nearly yelled at me and I froze. Paul had never raised his voice at me before, I had never even heard him raise his voice at anyone like this before.

His anger melted instantly when he realized he had yelled, but his frustration was still visible. "I'm so- Lia, I'm sorry." He closed his eyes and breathed. I let him. "I couldn't do anything. You don't understand how powerless I feel. You don't understand how much it hurts for me to know how you're going to die. How I'm going to die. How my mother's going to die. I know it all. I know it. I see it. I can see the future, I can feel everything. And I can't change it."

Paul shook his head and inhaled deeply, his eyes on the ground. "I can feel everything that has happened and everything that is going to happen, but I can't change it. I just have to live with that knowledge. No matter what I do, Lia-" his eyes met mine and his voice cracked, breaking my heart. " No matter what I do, I can't change it. I couldn't have saved Leto if I tried. He was going to die. This is my burden to carry. It is not the gift the Bene Gesserit wants it to be. Not for me, at least."

My mind went to baby Leto. I thought of my son and the fact he was no longer here and my heart burned again. I thought of my son and his death. I thought of my son dying and I thought about the fact that Paul knew.

Paul's face tightened as if he could read my mind. "Do you know how hard it is to be in pain," his voice cracked as he spoke before I could say anything, "and to have to hide it because the whole universe is watching you?"

I stared at him, my lip quivering. "I didn't know you were in pain-"

"You never asked." I could see the pain in his eyes, the betrayal. The hurt.

I was quiet and I realized he was right. I never did ask. I just assumed because he was too busy leading a war that he didn't even care about our loss, but I realize now he was hurting. Everything happened so fast. He was Leto's parent, too. He was grieving, too, except he held the responsibility of leading a war on top of it all.

"Leading up to the war, it took me months to understand what I was feeling. It took me even more months to be ok with knowing everything that is going to happen and being powerless to change it." He took a step closer to me. "To accept that I could not change the future meant I had to change, too."

He had changed with time, I agreed. I wasn't sure in what way - he had gotten quieter, colder, he spoke differently, but I knew he still loved me.

I wondered though, if through all this change we were still the same people we were when we fell in love. Was the Kwisatz Haderach still the same boy I loved in Caladan? Was I still the same small, patient girl he fell in love with? Or had war, loss and the desert changed us too much?

I would like to say I fought diligently through war and I played my role perfectly. I would like to say losing Leto was our greatest sacrifice so that his parents could go on and win the war. But I can't say that. Leto was a baby. Leto's death didn't change the outcome of any war. If we were destined to lose, then we would have. My baby died in meaningless conflict. His murderers didn't even know who they had murdered.

Being a parent never felt real. Every day I felt as though I was simply blessed with a little friend whom I had the privilege of caring for. Being a mother never really settled for me, it was something I had to learn and adapt to. Leto had my heart. To lose Leto, my entire body had to crumble.

But my feelings of grief were more than just maternal. I felt as though I had aged decades with my child to feel this loss. I cry more knowing I never got the years with Leto that I imagined. I cry over the what-ifs and the maybes, what could have happened if I was there.

My participation in the war felt meaningless. To Paul I know it meant more than it did to me - he won the war. He won. I felt like I lost everything. I lost my child. I lost my father. I felt like I lost my husband, too.

There was nothing admirable about my participation. I did nothing but worry for Paul and cry over my loss in every place that I could. The war passed right through me as if I were a ghost still stuck in the past.

"I need you to understand Lia," Paul said to me quietly in a pleading voice, "that just because I know how things end, just because I can see it, doesn't mean I can change it. I can't change anything at all. That is my burden to carry, I was never going to make it yours, too."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I couldn't stop the silent tears that slipped down my cheeks. "I'm sorry, Paul," I said again, a bit louder.

Paul nodded, his features soft. "I know you are. I'm sorry, too. I'm so sorry."

Silence fell between us, but we still did not touch each other. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the lack of permission or certainty. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand, though. I wanted to feel his warmth and his lips against my temple. I wanted to feel his comfort the way I always knew, even if I didn't deserve it.

I nodded again, the tears still going. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me."

He shook his head. "You were in pain, Lia. It's okay-"

"No, it's not." I corrected him with a bit more force in my voice. "It isn't okay that I left you to grieve alone while you carried the weight of the literal universe on your back. That shouldn't have been your job. You shouldn't have had to do that alone. I should have been your partner."

As soon as I finished my sentence, I realized that perhaps that was no longer true. I might not be Paul's partner anymore. Here he is, standing before me as Emperor which means he had married Princess Irulan. As much as I love him and as much as I care, he might not be mine anymore.

I flushed, trying to recover from my last sentence. "I also understand that I am no longer that person to you now, and I'm sure you've had lots of time to-"

Paul shook his head sternly. "I'm not marrying Princess Irulan."

"But the Emperor said-"

"I'm the Emperor now, Lia." Paul's eyes narrowed with authority. "It doesn't matter what that old man wants. He had the choice to come quietly or die trying. He came quietly."

I went to speak but my words failed. My gaze fell to his feet, I couldn't get myself to look him in the eye. Was I ashamed? Embarrassed? Hurt?

"Why did you hesitate then?" I challenged. "Why did you hesitate and walk away when the Emperor suggested it?"

He shook his head in shame. "I hate that I hesitated. I hate that you had to watch me hesitate. I had that the world had to watch me hesitate. I hate myself for making you believe, even for just a little while, that I did not want you. And I hate that everyone had to watch me do that and think the same thing.

"I'm sorry I hesitated. I knew I would become emperor, but I had been so focused on reaching it that I wasn't expecting that question." He shut his eyes and grimaced. "I want to say that I if I had to redo it all, I wouldn't have hesitated. But the truth is, I think I would have." He quickly added, "Not because I don't want you. That is not it at all. But because I was balancing the pressure of everything. I have this inconceivable power of... everything that suffocates me constantly. In that moment I was leading a war. I was- I was thinking of my role, but that question snapped me out of it."

Paul went quiet for a moment. "You have every right to question my actions as your husband. But as my wife, please try to understand the mental burden that now follows me every waking moment."

I said nothing. I remained silent, absorbing his words. A few more beats passed before he spoke again. "I may be the Kwisatz Haderach, but I will always be yours first. If I had to pick between being the Emperor and being your husband, I would pick you. Even if I were to hesitate every time, It would always end with me picking you."

He shook his head again, staring at the sky, breathing heavily. "I never wanted you as a concubine. How could I? I am devoted to you, Lia." He looked back down and gently took my hands in his. "We are married because I want to be. You are my wife because that is the role I want you to have. You will never be anything less than that. I'm not marrying Irulan because not only am I already married," Paul continued, "but I do not want her. I only want one woman and that woman is you. My wife."

I met his eyes and was surprised by the familiar softness I hadn't seen in ages. His features were warm and welcoming. He stared at me with such intensity that I reminded myself this was what it was supposed to be like. This is what I had been waiting for. This is why I came home.

I kept my voice quiet so that it didn't break. "I don't want anyone else, Paul."

His bottom lip trembled ever so slightly. "I just want you, Lia. You're my family."

He moved forward and pulled me into his embrace and I fell apart at his touch. My cheeks became wet with tears as I let my pain and heartbreak finally consume me. Days and weeks of holding myself together, finally reaching its peak.

I couldn't cry earlier. If I had, I would have been overwhelmed with my grief and the pain of being alone. I did not want to face these emotions on my own. But now I am not alone. In fact, I feel the least alone I have felt in a long time.

I let him hold me in my pain. I held him back as he felt his pain, too. My grief was just as much mine as it was Paul's. It was both of ours. 

"My dad is dead," I whimpered. "Our son is dead."

I could feel his nod against my hair. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I wish I had been there for you. I am here for you now."

I cried into the side of his neck, my chest heavy. Paul did not say more, but there was nothing else for him to say. There was nothing either of us could do other than be here, with each other. Right now, that was all I needed from him. To be my partner. 

***

hi friends! we are coming to an end shortly, probably just a couple of chapters left

how do we feel about paul's apology? personally i think i covered everything and i made it make sense, but if there is a moral aspect i am forgetting feel free to mention it lol

let me know if there are other aspects you'd like to see wrapped up as well before the end of the story. i have a few things in mind to wrap up other character story lines

with love,
via <3