"Robinnnnnnnnnn pay attention to meeeeee" Roy whined, hanging off the couch in an upside-down position that could NOT be comfortable at all. 

"Why?" Robin asked, glancing up from his phone. 

Roy looked over at Link, who made a frantic gesture with his hands that looked an awful lot like he was trying to tell the hypothetical camera on-set to keep rolling. Of course this is only applicable if they were on like a reality show or something, which they are NOT, they're just idols. Oh well. 

"Ummmm because Link won't do it?" 

"Okay, well, maybe Marth?" Robin looked awkward. Thankfully, he hadn't glanced back down at his phone, because otherwise he would have seen the Big Bad Twitter Notification that Roy and Link were trying to keep him from seeing.

"No, he's busy. He's on a video call with Caeda or something." Roy sighed. 

"Oh." Robin pulled a face and almost looked back down at his phone, only to have the device plucked out of his hand by Ike as he walked by. "Hey!"

"I don't think you want to be looking at this right now." Ike said casually, shutting it off and slipping it into one of the many pockets on his pants, because he was wearing cargo pants for some reason. 

"But-" Robin stopped himself in the middle of his thought and sighed. "Fine. Does this have something to do with people being toxic?"

"Yes." Ike answered. "It's a lot worse this time. So, I'm making an executive decision for you. No social media for any of you who don't deal well with hate. Sheik, give me your phone." 

"Huh?" Sheik looked up from the book he was reading and frowned. "Sorry, can you repeat that? I wasn't..." 

I wasn't paying attention and I couldn't understand you. 

He didn't need to continue that sentence for Robin to know what he wanted to say. 

"Can I have your phone?" Ike repeated. "There's some bad stuff going around the internet and I don't want it to upset either of you. I've already taken Pit's phone." 

"Ohhhh. Yeah, okay. Here." Sheik took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Ike. "Just for a few weeks, right?"

"Yeah, this should die down by then. I'll tell you if Corrin messages you." Ike nodded as he replied. 

"Thanks." Sheik grinned at him and returned his attention to his book. 

Well, at least it didn't quite hurt as bad anymore. Actually telling him had done wonders for that. Robin was really fucking glad that was the case, but also ugh. Why couldn't this just be easy? Why didn't-

STOP. 

There's no use dwelling on the past, dumbass. Smh. 

"Robin, will you come with me? I want to get Marth so we can talk about how best to handle it from here." Ike asked. 

"Sure thing." Robin stood up and stuck his tongue out at Roy, who crossed his arms and adopted a pouty look. "Don't look so say, Roy, I'm sure Link would be more than happy to actually give you attention."

"Hey!" Link protested. "I was going to-"

"Doesn't matter." 

"HMPH." 

"Marth! Heads up! Robin and I have to talk to you!" Ike said as he knocked on the door of the room that the three boys shared. 

"Give me a second!" Marth shouted back. 

Ike and Robin glanced at each other, simultaneously counted to one, and then opened the door. Marth made an undignified screech and threw a pillow at the two of them. "The hell??? I said give me a second!"

"I gave you a second!" Robin and Ike responded at the same time.

"Oh for fuck's sake-" Marth sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, Caeda. I'll call you back later." With that, he hung up and turned his attention to the two of them. "Well?"

"About the whole mess on Twitter." 

Marth grimaced. "It's not pretty. What were you thinking?"

"Keep Robin and the other two who are more sensitive to that kind of thing off social media until it cools down a bit, for one. I might take Roy's phone just because I know he'll be a dumbass about the whole thing." Ike responded. 

"First off, what exactly is it?" Robin asked. 

"Well. There's a rabid group of Boars stans who are collectively all using dwarf themed names and profile pictures." Ike started saying, but Robin interrupted him. 

"Hold on, the Dwarf Cult is back?"

"Wait, you knew about them?" Marth cut in. 

"Yeah. They're hard to avoid. Do anything even remotely better than Boars and they'll attack. What set them off this time?" Robin responded nonchalantly. 

"There was an article praising our sudden rise in popularity that paid special attention to your leadership and how well you're doing." Ike continued, looking a bit concerned that Robin had already known about the almighty Dwarf Cult. "Needless to say, they're pissed. All of the Byleth stans in that group, which is basically every member of the cult, are now attacking you." 

"Awesome." Robin giggled. "I'm so glad!"

Marth and Ike both stared at him. 

"Uhhhhhhh dude?"

"It was a joke smh." Robin laughed again and rolled his eyes, setting his hands on his hips like the sassy little shit he is. 

"Right. Yeah. Of course." Marth did the concerned mama squinty squint thing and crossed his arms. "So, anyway. Other ideas?"

"I'll talk to Byleth and see if he had anything to do with it. I'm pretty sure he didn't, but it never hurts to be sure." Robin said. "Ike, can I have my phone back for a second?"

Ike pulled the phone out of his pocket and handed it over without a word. 

Open Instagram DM ----> 

[ Conversation with a_rock ]

irobanks

Do you have a minute?

a_rock

yes

a_rock

not too much though. sylvain and felix are arguing again and ingrid is struggling to defuse it over a video call

irobanks 

Okay, yeah, I'll be quick- I was just wondering if you had anything to do with the Dwarf Cult acting up again?

a_rock 

for fuck's sake, they're back? 

irobanks

Yeah...?

a_rock 

ugh. 

a_rock

i didn't have anything to do with them

irobanks

Yeah, I thought not, but I just wanted to check. I don't even actually know what they're saying. Ike took my phone. He's probably going to take it back soon. 

a_rock 

makes sense 

a_rock

in the future, i don't support whatever the hell they say. honestly, they scare me. sorry that they're acting up though :/ you guys don't deserve it 

irobanks

Thanks man. Have fun with Sylvain and Felix, lmao 

a_rock

no problem lol. 

Robin closed Instagram and handed his phone back to Ike. "He didn't have anything to do with it."

"Great. Well, guess we'd just... get through this. It shouldn't last too long, right?" Marth sighed. 

OH BOY WAS HE WRONG LMFAO 

VIRAL COMPILATION OF THE DAY! 

Brawltang and Boars being chaotic together for 8 minutes gay 

The thumbnail is an (obviously edited) picture of Robin and Byleth standing next to each other and smiling, with the other boys from their respective groups scattered in the background behind them. 

Top comments 

karen mcwhatever

Good video, but the editing was sloppy :/ Also, the title is grammatically (and factually, just in case you're trying to be "clever") incorrect. 

[ 6.9k likes ]

[ Replying to karen mcwhatever ] 

Certified Troll Slayer 

oh dude i actually thought you were serious for a second, well played lmfao 

[ 4.5k likes ] 

[ Replying to karen mcwhatever ] 

simping for the entirety of the brawltang boys 

FUCK OFF

[ 7.1k likes ]

cold emblem 

if any of you want actual entertainment, don't bother watching the video and just read the arguments here in the comments section lmfao

[ 1.3k likes ]

[ Replying to cold emblem ] 

probably not actually claude from boars 

yooo Certified Troll Slayer could we get a troll checked out?

[ 864 likes ]

[ Replying to probably not actually claude from boars ]

Certified Troll Slayer 

i can't tell lmao, i think they're actually being serious 

[ 582 likes ]

you make special 

g u y s
p l e a s e
chill out for a second and enjoy 4:08

(...the linked timestamp takes the viewer right to Link brandishing a banana like a gun and Claude yelling "YESSSSS GET IT KING" while Yuri has Roy in a mock chokehold. Without context, it looks a little bit like a scene from a bizarre adult film.)

[ 14.9k likes ]