BEAU

"What's on your mind today, Beau?" Dex pushes his glasses up his nose on my laptop screen and I exhale loudly, leaning back against my shabby sofa.

A million things, as usual. I wonder where to start.

Choosing the simplest, I ask reluctantly, "How's Parker, do you know?" Dr. William's face falls then and I lean forward, brows pulled together. "What is it, Dex?"

"The center called - they were hoping I'd go in to work with him. Parker relapsed, Beau." His words are very matter-of-fact but sting like a slap anyways.

What?

That can't be right. Can it? He was doing okay - his family was waiting for him. He was getting out of there.

I scrape at the polish on my thumb to avoid Dex's gaze. "What about his parents? Weren't they supposed to help him?"

"The center is the best place for Parker right now. They know that." Dex says firmly. "I think you know that, too."

"Are you going to take him? Be his shrink, I mean?" I rush a hand through my hair, restless guilt gnawing at me.

Fuck, I should have called.

"We're working out the details. But Beau, I don't think we should use our time to discuss Parker. Do you?"

"I didn't call him, Dex." I mutter, shaking my head and ignoring his question. "We said I should but I didn't. Maybe if I did, I could have... it might have helped. I -"

"Beau, take a breath." Dex holds a hand up, motioning at me to inhale as he does the same. After we exhale, he continues. "You know as much as anyone - the way he must have been feeling, it's a very difficult state to be talked out of. There's no guarantee your call would have stopped him from relapsing. There's no point in beating yourself up over it now. But you can look at your feelings and understand why you feel them. Let them help you make decisions in the future."

He lets the thought marinate for a few moments.

"I need to start showing up, Dex." I run a tired hand over my eyes, the realization finally hitting me like a ton of bricks. "For Parker, for Emma and the baby..."

For myself.

God, when will I get tired of disappointing everyone?

In that instant, I know what I have to do. No more fucking around. A newfound energy courses through me as I make plans for after my session, before tuning back into Dex's side of the conversation.

"You mentioned Emma and the baby. You went to her appointment recently. How did it feel?"

"Really good." I tell the truth. Well, most of it. Up until Emma asked about adoption, completely crushing my heart in her delicate hand. "I'm scared shitless, but that heartbeat changed everything."

Dex's expression softens into a smile and he nods, urging me on. Suddenly, my mind flips to another thought and a grin breaks over my features.

"You know I went to the coffee shop today and Emma was working?"

"Sounds like a blast from the past," Dex comments quietly.

I nod. "You know the first time I went, I was on my phone or something stupid and I spilled my coffee all over her?" Self-absorbed prick. Dex chuckles. "She gave me another one and when I really looked at her, it hit me."

Just like Jace reminded me of Beck the first time I laid eyes on him, Emma looked so much like Zoey at first. So much so that it solidified the plan Fiona, publicist to Satan himself, had been trying to sell me on. One look at Emma and she was perfect.

I tell that to the therapist and trail off, lost in thought. "She had a little pink burn there for the first few weeks." I trail the spot on my tattooed skin where she had the scar, wondering if it was some sort of omen. The first time I would hurt her.

"You say she looks like Zoey?"

"Not really." I answer immediately, Emma's brilliant constellation of freckles invading my thoughts. "At first - they're blonde, have big, brown eyes. But I realized pretty quickly that they're nothing alike, ya know? Zoey was immature and could be sneaky. We were just kids. Emma is..." shaking my head, I fail to find the appropriate word. "Emma is everything. I was in love with her faster than my dumbass could even realize." 

Which is why I can't give up. Not yet.

The thought almost knocks the wind out of me.

"And Zoey - your message said you saw her again?" Dex asks, double checking his notebook and pulling my thoughts away from Emma. "Something about what happened when you two were younger?"

I drum my fingers against my knees, wondering how much I should tell him. A good patient would tell him all of it.

Trying my hardest to move forward, I quickly recount our conversation from the diner, rushing the last part about the adoption and praying he doesn't linger.

"Let me get this straight."

Fuck.

Dex rubs his eyes under his glasses. "Zoey was sent away to have an abortion, but she chose adoption instead? And you never knew... until now?" I nod slowly and he continues. "And now, she needs your help locating your son?"

"She never had the... resources before." I cringe.

The money. She never had the money. And now I do. We could find our kid. All I have to do is agree to help.

"Do you trust her?" Dex asks skeptically. "Doesn't the timing seem strange?"

"Yeah." I agree quickly. Any suspicion running through his mind, I'm sure I've already worried about well into the night. But I have got to start showing up sometime, right? "But what if she's telling the truth, Dex? What if I do have son?"

"We don't talk much about your father, you know." He changes the subject.

"What does that have to do with anything?" My brows furrow. Bitter resentment is sour on my tongue. "He was a sack of shit. We've acknowledged that. What else is there to know?"

"What about the night you left? It was after they sent Zoey away, right?" Dex's stare is unwavering through the screen, intent on getting an answer this time.

I sigh. Fine. Let's get this over with.

"We fought about it. It got physical - he smashed a guitar and then me a bit. Said I could get it together, be more like Beck, or I could leave. My mom tried, I guess, to get me to stay. But I didn't want to anyways. My dad told her history would repeat itself and if not this time, I'd bring them trouble again soon. I saved us all the bullshit and moved to LA." I shrug simply, numb even as the words leave my mouth.

It doesn't hurt because it's another life all together. I'm not that kid anymore. It's not me in those memories. I'm Beau Lewis - not a hopeless kid running from home.

"You don't think that's important as you consider becoming a parent? To Emma's baby... or to Zoey's?" Dex finally speaks, tapping his pen against his notebook patiently.

"You're the smart doctor," I groan sarcastically, checking the time and seeing that our session is up. Thank God. "Don't you have all the answers?"

"I don't." Dex shrugs with a smile. "Maybe you will, next time we talk."

"Maybe." I sigh, somehow seriously doubting it.

As soon as the session is over and my screen goes dark, I rush down to my car and speed across town to the shopping center. On my way, I dial Zoey's cell.

Three rings later, I reach her voicemail and roll my eyes. She's been blowing up my phone the past week, but now, when I want to talk... nothing? Typical.

"Zoey, it's Beau." I gulp back what feels like regret mixed with uncertainty and force the words from my mouth, my dads face burning in my thoughts. "Look, I've thought about it and... I'm in. Call me back, okay?"

I pull into the shopping plaza as I hang up, easily locating the store I'm looking for. The pastel colors and cartoon animals welcoming me inside make me feel uncomfortable, but not as much as the stares I get from all of the female shoppers do.

Scanning the aisles for what feels like hours, I almost give up. Maybe I truly am hopeless with this stuff, after all. It's then that a familiar red tongue grabs my attention, The Rolling Stones logo like my savior amidst all the light blue and pink hues.

Perfect.

Snatching the item quickly, I opt to have it gift wrapped, ignoring the weird looks I get from the cashier as I hand over my card.

Feeling giddy, I tap my fingers against the steering wheel the entire ride to Emma's condo.

Quickly, so I can't talk myself out of the gesture, I knock loudly on her door. I hide the gift bag behind my back, hoping to surprise her. Nervous energy courses through me, causing my fingers to tap my thigh obnoxiously.

Hair a mess around her head, but still gorgeous as ever, Emma appears and steps outside, pulling the door shut behind her.

Weird. But okay.

"Beau, what're you doing here?" She cocks her head to the side and crosses her arms over her chest.

Not the reaction I expected. My excited grin falls. I thought she'd be happy to see me. At least a little bit. Hadn't she been: the other day after her appointment, then again at the cafe?

"I wanted to see you." I say honestly anyways, confusion overwhelming everything else. Doesn't she want to see me, too?

For a second, Emma's eyes twinkle up at me before hardening over. Giving me hope and then squashing it out. "You could have called."

Exasperation washes over me. Isn't this what she wants? Or did I misread things? Am I so fucking desperate for her to love me that I made something out of nothing?

"Emma?" Adam, the kid she works with, sticks his head out of the door suddenly and my fists clench instinctually. "Oh, hi, Beau. What're you doing here?" He steps outside, too, standing beside Emma and I resist the urge to punch the smug smirk off his lips. But just barely.

I could ask the same thing. But I don't, not in front of him, at least. I won't give the prick the satisfaction.

"I have something personal to discuss with Emma," I squint at him until he gets the hint, taking a step backwards towards the condo.

"Adam, wait inside. I'll be back in a minute," Emma smiles at him sweetly and I swear to God, something sharp twists in my chest.

He nods, giving me what I'm sure he thinks is a dirty look. Then he smiles at Emma protectively, making my stomach turn, and leaves us.

"What's he doing here?" I ask as soon as he's inside. Fuck, I sound so jealous. So needy.

"Having dinner with me." Emma answers easily, chin tipped up defiantly.

"Why?" The question is out before I can think better of it and I curse myself internally.

"Why?" She repeats sarcastically. "Because he's the one who shows up, Beau. Consistently. Is that a good enough reason for you?"

Stung and irritated, with her and myself, I don't respond.

Inhale. Exhale. Don't fight, not with her.

"More importantly," Emma finally sighs. "What're you doing here?"

A strand of hair blows into her eyes with the breeze and I lean forward, tucking it behind her ear out of habit. Immediately, my anger is soothed by the feel of her skin, and I forget all about the coworker inside her home.

"I'm not here to upset you, Em. You asked me what I wanted. Well, here it is." I bring the gift bag in front of me and place it in her hands. Feeling vulnerable, almost like I've given her my actual heart to hold or to destroy, I lean down and despite the ache, kiss the top of her head gently.

"Beau?" Her voice is soft as I turn to leave, too confused and anxious to stick around and watch her open the gift.

Maybe it was stupid, after all.

Shaking my head, I start the engine and peel from the complex parking lot, just catching Emma as she goes back inside.

Stupid or not, at least she'll know where I stand.

Thanks for reading loves!
Comment what ya think:
Beau's session ):
poor Parker!
What about his voicemail to Zoey?
What did he give Emma?
Why is Adam at Emma's?!
AHHH!
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