( ACT I. ── Fading Imprints )
chapter one / The Room Where It Happens

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ARTICLE ─ The Track Limits
( thetracklimits.com/Masera... )

Maserati Says Crush The Gender Disparity In Motorsports and I Begin Removing My Clothes.

Entry posted by Billy Ireland
Monday, December 14, 2023

After failing to acquire a contract with retired four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel, the incoming Maserati Racing Team have revealed a new target for their 2024 driver line-up.

Let's discuss Maserati's current positioning as a whole for a moment before digging into the nitty-gritty of the noticable lack of employees (a situation that frankly should have been resolved months ago, considering the years-long buildup of this team launch).

This is the perfect waiting-in-the-weeds suspense. Maserati will go into this season with little to no expectation whatsoever, and frankly, I love it. If they turn out to be good (à la even a general midfield team; Alpine, etc.), they will turn a lot of heads and impress a lot of people. But if they end up sucking, as everyone outside of their ever-loyal home country of Italy expects, they're likely not going to get clowned internationally, due to the shadows of a lot more pressing concerns (outstanding Red Bull dominance, outstanding Haas dogshitness, etc.). So Maserati are in the perfect spot, IMO.

One other point of interest: it has become increasingly more obvious every day that no one really gives a shit about Maserati anyway. The international media has no idea why Formula One needs another boastfully Italian team, nor do they care to find out. There are 10 established teams that (to them) move the needle more.

Appointed Team Principal (for a solid ten months) Paul Ruggiero had early success in team management, which F1 remembers. They remember him hoisting up Williams as a powerhouse Damon-Hill-World Championship team back in the day, so they think extremely favorably of him. Therefore, many in the media saw Maserati, a team that had already begun negotiations with Sebastian Vettel, fire their Team Principal who was responsible for the aforementioned negotiations, and then ghost Vettel this past November ─ and to that they say WTF. They didn't see the progressive steps taken by a team that was heading south quickly: they saw dysfunction. And I get it. If I wasn't inundated with Maserati on a daily basis (I'm nosy), I wouldn't get the moves either. Because most people don't know that Paul Ruggiero crashed and burned during his final year at Williams. Most people don't remember that a Ruggiero-managed team produced one of the most historic collapses in Formula One history by poo-pooing the bed on a 40-point championship lead by failing to grab a single podium in the remaining seven races. All the media remembers is Ruggiero outsmarting Ferrari with a nationally televised wild card over thirty years ago.

The irony is that his replacement as Maserati Team Principal is Gabriele Ruggiero. Name ring a bell? Surprise. It's his half-brother.

WHAT???

TL;DR ─ Gabriele Ruggiero is dragging his newfound power to success on the platform that was built by his own kin. Talk about backstabbing.

Okay, sorry, let's go back to the topic at hand: a.k.a. what we're all here for.

You've thrown out your guesses for the faces within the shiniest new cars, everyone from Bottas to Drugovich to Schu-mini, but let's be honest, after losing out on Vettel, nothing will really reignite that same spark of curiosity. Especially after I drop this little bomb of knowledge.

Gabriele wanted rookies.

Plural.

Two first-time drivers for a first-time team. Cute, right? NOT.

Brave little soldier. So innocent. I read this and had to rub my eyes and read it again like a cartoon. I think I can speak for all of us when I once again repeat myself:

WTF???

Now that you've been through the same stages of grief as me, let's work it out and smooth it over.

At first I thought this was lazy recruitment strategy, offering contracts to kids fresh out of F2 who would sign to literally any team that wanted them because they're so riddled with unresolved anxiety from their competitive childhoods that they're afraid they might never get another chance. That's a recipe for burnt-out drivers and failure. No thanks.

But the lifelong businessman and F1 fanatic has finally made the media rounds this week, and boy oh boy, did Gabriele make this one count. While showcasing his mastery of making people uncomfortable for 90 minutes (I made eye contact one time during his press conference and I shit you not I felt slimed), Gabriele is reporting that he has his strategy set on a lady driver. Okay dude. You have my attention.

When this information bomb dropped, you had to know I was going to write about it. You know who I am. I have the most information per capita about any given female driver in the sport at any given time. I get a particular kick out of potentially witnessing history in the making. I've done my calculations and I think we all know that there is truly only one path Gabriele can take now that he's made this declaration: of course he has to sign her. Going back on his decision would cause international noise ─ albeit less noise than it will cause when he puts her in that red beauty of a car ─ but he must be pretty sure of his choice unless he's really stupid enough to risk getting sacked over a PR scandal.

"Her," of course, being Gisela Ibáñez, the 2023 F2 Championship winner.

But I want to talk about Gabriele for just a second longer. Bear with me. Sorry.

At this point it would be more surprising if Gabriele managed to make it through a press release without dropping some kind of memorable gem. The familiar theme of distinct randomness that he so routinely offers up is seemingly built into his DNA, as we have all learned in some capacity, and there's absolutely nothing any of us can do about it. Whether you happen to love the guy or stand on the opposite side of a 71-year-old man who will always attend a NASCAR race with a clipboard in hand, Gabriele's endless oddities ─ which are usually coupled with intense enthusiasm ─ do come across as genuine.

In this latest of iteration of "Wait, What Did He Just Say?" we have Sports Illustrated's Patrick Yao to thank for asking the fateful question of...

"What qualities are you looking for in your potential draft picks for a rookie driver?"

To which Gabriele responded: "Of course I want someone fast, but I can't stand these little boys who can't think s*** through. I have no need for some 18-year-old kid whose thoughts are a mile wide and an inch deep to take my shiny new car and bin it because he couldn't anticipate the track being slippery when wet."

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the Camel. Okay, man. We get it. You don't like teenagers. Weird for someone who seemed so dead-set on a pair of fresh meat a month ago.

But is he finished? Oh, no. This is where it gets interesting.

"To me, intelligence is one of the most important aspects of racing, and female drivers have been criminally underutilized in that aspect."

Okay. Questionable phrasing, for sure, but he's getting away with it this time, because 1. he's about as progressive as old men can get, and 2. he's just sent the entire universe into a tizzy.

Let me give you a brief profile on 22-year-old Ibáñez.

You might know the Mexican driver best from when she was being clowned by the entire world for her poor results in the 2021 F2 season. Disregarding the fact that she lost her aunt to covid during the season and never missed a race even after catching it herself, had a shoulder injury off-track and still scored points, and actually managed to do an overtake in Monaco; no, of course the one time she took out Christian Lundgaard in Sochi should define her career. Prema and the Ferrari Academy seemed to think so, at least, and she was unceremoniously sacked before the year even ended. But it seems that this rejection gave Gisela the resolve to make up her mind: you don't make it to F2 as a woman just to take the L and walk away. The final race of the season was her maiden win, and in the following two years she would amass another nine to her name, as well as the '23 Championship title after more than enough patience.

And now Maserati wants her bad. And I love that.

Time for a personal profile. Gisela's mother is the twenty-fifth richest woman in Mexico. No I am not exaggerating, it's a genuine statistic, look it up. Marcia Ibáñez Aguilera ─ heiress, entrepreneur, philanthropist, non-profit founder; basically, she's that girl. And a lifelong sponsor of Ferrari (which explains the Ferrari Academy's interest in her daughter, oops). Gisela's father, on the other hand, is He Who Must Not Be Named.

Essentially, she's the definition of a nepo baby, but having a dad like that, no one can really hold it against her.

Back in the day, Gerard Conway was a big deal, but after a little birdie dropped a big bomb on the media about his abandoned affair child, he was less of a deal and more of an ordeal. He didn't take it with grace, either. Any statements he gave out for the next couple of months just dug him into deeper holes. The few people who managed to tolerate him before started to keep their distance. Do you know how badly you have to fuck up to get Michael Schumacher to slander you on live TV? Gerard does. You can still find the clip on YouTube, immortalized forever in our hearts and minds and hard drives just like Schumi would have wanted.

You might wonder why Gisela would want to follow in the footsteps of a deadbeat like that, and I did too at first; but here's the rub. She credits her love of motorsport to her "racing family," a list of some prolific names in Formula One who felt the intense need to repent for their association with Conway, and effectively washed their hands of him by mentoring his daughter specifically to show him up in his own sport. Schumacher and Häkkinen are at the tippy-top of a long list ─ and one of them, not naming names (it starts with M (and ends with ika)) may or may not have taken it upon himself to gift her a HORSE for one of her early birthdays. Like, dude, if that doesn't convey that she's got it made, I don't know what does.

So basically, Gerard should understand by now that we don't like him. Of course, nothing can stop that old man from doing whatever he wants, and he proved exactly that by getting himself a job in SkySports. Next year will be... interesting.

Now in addition to her F2 success and complicated family situation, Gisela Ibáñez will be known for a third big thing (which is more than Gerard can say, as he was solely famed for 1. his scandal and 2. looking like an advertisement for a cheap injury lawyer) the moment that contract drops.

Personally, I want Fred Vesti in the other Maserati seat. He got a shit deal in F2 and we all know he deserves a seat in F1, but I am aware enough of my surroundings to know that it's unlikely. Despite what Gabriele said about rookies, I think time has changed him since the interview happened, because he has been veeeery friendly with former World Champion Rynsburger lately, and we all know that Bram, who is somehow still a free agent after being dropped from Sauber in 2021, can bring in the sponsors like no other. There's literally no such thing as giving up when it comes to a man like 40-year-old Rynsburger, and it's been clear from his picturesque bod in all those sweaty mirror selfies that he has been gunning to return to the running ever since he left Sauber HQ. I can already see the headlines. Maserati is Looking For a Debut WDC ─ Look No Further. Bram Is Back.

As if we need to hear the Dutch national anthem for another year in a row. But we all love Bram, so I digress.

I'm starting a nightly prayer circle at the Silverstone circuit where we all link hands and manifest our newest lady driver. Feel free to show up and bring candles and snacks. Blue corn chips are my favorite. There we can discuss the strengths and weaknesses of the incoming team. Gisela's diligence and Rynsburger's experience, if we're being realistic; or Gisela's intelligence and Fred's determination, if we're being delusional.

But, Gabriele, if you're waiting on your tiptoes for someone who fits more perfectly into your team to pop up out of the woodwork, trust me, you're going to be waiting for a while. So just go ahead and sign her. You need it in the worst way. Aside from the Team Principal drama, Maserati has been the lifeless body getting poked by a stick in the "c'mon do something" meme.

I'm in the trenches waiting. Literally. The rumors are killing me. So naturally, in my state of borderline mania, I've taken it upon myself to document every day that Maserati has failed to announce Ibáñez to the team. Why? Well, why not? People need to be dragged into this; I refuse to suffer alone. Plus, I run a dumb sports blog. I have nothing else to do with my time.

"Who cares this much?" you may find yourself asking. Me. And this is a cry for help.

Gabriele Ruggiero, please put me out of my bloody misery and just sign her.

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( note )
my absolute favorite thing about writing smaus is the opportunity to insert a very absurdly unhinged journalist into my stories at least once because in my opinion there is nothing funnier.