***

"Aren't you freezing?", Lyza asked when she walked outside, stepping onto the balcony. Taehyung had been sitting here all evening after they got home from the mall. "Doesn't matter", Taehyung replied quietly, looking at the snowflakes that kept falling from the sky, dancing slowly through the cold air, leaving a soft feeling all over the boy's fed up anger. There was a small roof above the balcony which kept him away from getting soaked by the snow, yet he was close enough to feel the cold breeze hitting his skin, giving him shivers everywhere.

He didn't remember any winter before in which he had the longing to feel something like snowflakes or cold air, it was completely new but this winter was for sure one to remember. There had never been one that hurt that much and that's even though usually summers were known to leave you with a heartbreak and a never ending crush on someone you met on vacation.

Lyza came back after disappearing inside for a few minutes. She wrapped a fluffy blanket around the boy's shoulders and gave him a cup with hot chocolate filled in it. "You gotta warm up", she said and sat down besides from him in another chair, wrapping her tiny body in a blanket as well. "What's on your mind?"

Taehyung shrugged, not having a clue what to respond to that. "Jungkook was talking about breaking up with me before the accident happened", he suddenly blurted out. "I think he reached a point where he doesn't want to be with me anymore and there's nothing I can do."
Lyza looked at him for a little while, recognizing all his features. The bitten lips and the sleepy eyes that once had that spark in it which made everyone's heart beat a little faster. His pouty cheeks were gone and his hair was a mess, long and falling above his eyes lazily because he hadn't put any effort in it.
There wasn't much left of the boy Lyza once used to know. Nothing of the one who stole her boyfriend back then. Taehyung was a wreck and both of them knew that. "Maybe the universe decided to give you a second chance. Make it right once he wakes up."

"What if I put all my effort in changing into a better me and he still breaks up with me?", Taehyung questioned, admitting his biggest fear. "What if all of this is for nothing."

"Then you'll find someone new", Lyza smiled calmly, "Y'know, there was a time where I had no idea what to do if he'd leave me so I never said a word when I knew he was cheating. But there's one thing I can assure you; you'll move on."
The boy took a huge sip from his hot chocolate, gulping it down slowly. He enjoyed the feeling that got him all warm inside, shivers going down his back when he realised how a simple drink could bring a little happiness.

Maybe, after all, it were the smallest things he had been sleeping on for all his life.

"I should have never slept with him", he let out weakly, "You and him, you made a great couple. I wanted that too, y'know. And he loved you, I'm sure of that. I should have just stayed away, god, I messed up so much-"
"We may have made a great couple but we weren't meant to be a family, Taehyung. When it was just me and Kook, god it was amazing, we went on dates all the time and he was such a sweetheart, always flirting with me and showing me off as if I'd be his most precious treasure. With Taejeon, all of that went away-"

Lyza let out a sigh, leaning back in her chair. "And if I'm being honest, he just wasn't my type of guy. He's too sweet, but also too broken."

"You really are into boys who treat you like shit, huh?", Taehyung chuckled and Lyza couldn't help but laugh a bit embarrassed, "Well what can I say-"
They giggled for a little, then went silent. This time it was Taehyung who stared at Lyza, looking at the girl's face and all the things that had changed with time. He remembered, back then she had her ears pierced, always wearing earrings and necklaces, the prettiest clothes and her whole face seemed to be glowing in happiness. Now there was no necklace, no earring, no make up. An oversized hoodie she stole from Jungkook's closet and a pair of leggins with christmas socks pulled up till her knees. They bought those socks at the store today. Taejeon and her got matching ones. Taehyung caught himself thinking that was adorable as hell.

"Why did you stop wearing make up?", he suddenly asked, furrowing his brows.
Lyza was a bit confused at first, scratching her neck while she thought of an answer to that, "I just don't anymore. It's too much effort-"

Taehyung nodded. "Okay"
Lyza wanted to ask why he asked that but she decided not to, something inside her told her that this conversation could take unwished for turns with that questions.

"Ew", Taejeon interrupted them from behind. He sat in his wheelchair and looked at them from inside the living room. "Do you like each other now or what is this?", he asked, face in disgust and nose scrunched. "No-", Taehyung immediately said and Lyza rolled her eyes, "Taejeon it's past your bedtime."

"Mom, it's past your 'I fuck around and get pregnant time'."

That hit.

And for sure not the right spot.

"Go to bed", she said, voice going cold. "Right now."
Taejeon flinched, not used to being talked to like that, but he also knew that he was in no position to be this disrespectful to his own mother. So he turned his wheelchair around and rolled back into his room.
Taehyung was silent, looking at Lyza anxiously. "What?!", she snapped, getting up from her chair. "He's right, I'll go to bed."

"Lyz-", Taehyung got up as well and followed her inside, "He didn't mean that."
"Kids are the most honest people you'll ever meet, Taehyung", she said back, throwing the blanket on the couch on which she had been sleeping for the past few days. "Lyza", Taehyung hummed again, "Come on, don't take it to heart."

"My own son thinks I'm a slut, how would you feel if it would be yours telling you that?", she asked. "Just go and leave me alone, alright? I want to sleep."
Taehyung sighed and sat down on the couch, waiting for her to sit down as well. "You talked to me all evening when I needed someone to talk to, so let me talk to you too-"

Lyza shook her head, tears coming up. "There's nothing to talk about, Taejeon is totally right", she covered her face, rubbing her eyes to avoid the tears from falling. "Oh come on, Lyzzie", Taehyung sighed and got up, hugging the girl tightly which made her only burst out in tears. "You're not a slut, come on-, don't take it to heart."

"Why is it so fucking easy for everyone except for us", she whispered, pressing her face into Taehyung's broad shoulders. "I just wanna be happy for fuck's sake, I don't want a boyfriend or a good job or a successful kid or a career for myself, I just want to feel okay again, I haven't felt like that since I got pregnant the first time", she started rambling, sobbing while being at it. She stepped back a little, facing Taehyung after a while but the boy had no satisfying answer if he was being honest. "I know, I want that too, Lyza. It's been forever since I got through a day without crying."

"The question is, how much does one person can take?", she asked and he shrugged, "So far we haven't reached our limit I guess."
"I have", she said and lifted her hands. "I fucking have because if Jungkook doesn't wake up then I have no fucking clue what to do. I just need this boy to wake up so bad, for god's sake I've been praying every single day."

"Well, we won't give up on him", Taehyung said slowly.

"There will come a day when they'll turn the machines off, Tae", Lyza whispered, "And what then? I can't raise Taejeon by myself. He won't ever respect me the way he respects his father. He needs his Dad. I can't be both for him and I'm not even ready to be a mother, I haven't even been loved yet. Not from myself nor from anyone, I-, I just need him to wake up, do you understand?"

"And he will", Taehyung let out in a small voice, not believing himself.

Lyza shook her head, sitting down on the couch. "I feel like I never got to be young."
"It's not that great", Taehyung mumbled, "Drugs, parties. Drunk mistakes and bad memories, that's all it brings along."

"I never had that. I stayed home when Jungkook went out for parties. No one ever asked me if I wanted to grow up that fast, but oh god I'm sorry why am I even complaining to you. For fuck's sake I'm sorry Taehyung. I'll go to sleep now."
Taehyung stayed silent, looking into her eyes for a while until he nodded slowly, "Do you want me to s-stay?", he asked a little unsure.

And Lyza nodded, "Yes."

Silence.

"But you can't, now go to bed Taehyung."
And the boy got up and walked right into the bedroom without looking back to avoid any chance of getting to wrong ideas.
How fucked up was this feeling-, god.

*

"I made a list", Taejeon said when he got into the bedroom the next morning and stopped right next to Taehyung's bed. He threw the paper at his head and smiled, "That's a list of all the people you'll say sorry to today. And a list of sweets I want to have."

"Good morning to you too", Taehyung hummed, unfolding the list sleepily. Why couldn't he sleep for one goddamn day in peace. But it was Saturday so he had to deal with Taejeon's shit all day.

"Also, you gotta take me to the doctor, I think my Mom is still mad at me so she probably won't."
"What you said to your Mom wasn't nice, buddy", Taehyung rolled his eyes, "Wasn't nice when you cheated on Dad with her too", Taejeon snapped back, showing him his middle finger. "Now get up."

Taehyung read the list on which only four names were written down.
Namjoon, Jin, Minho and Jungkook.
"Why did you write Jungkook's name down?"

"You have a lot to apologize for and if you want me to accept you then you will say sorry to my Dad."
"You're such a little bitch, I'm not even joking why are you always that cocky and bratty?", Taehyung groaned, getting headaches from that conversation already. "It's my DNA, y'know."

Taehyung rolled his eyes, "I miss the you when you were a Baby. You loved me."
"I still do", Taejeon chuckled, "It's puberty", he winked and patted Taehyung's shoulder. "Y'know, being a rebel and stuff. I think Lili likes it."

"Yeah, it's too early for this", Taehyung got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, ignoring Taejeon for the rest of the morning even though the kid followed him into the bathroom and started talking about Star Wars while Taehyung was showering. When the boy made breakfast for the kid and Lyza, Taejeon talked about the fact that boobs were disgusting and if Lili would ever get some, he'd cut them off. Taehyung sighed to that, "There's fun stuff you can do to boobs-, ya know."

"I thought you're gay."
"And I thought you like girls, girls have boobs."

Taejeon changed the topic. He talked about the fact that Sony had made a deal with Marvel which meant that Spiderman was back in the Avengers, he shed a small tear of happiness while eating his toast and then explained that he could be Spiderman too if he had better legs.
After this, Taehyung took the kid to the doctor and on the way there, Taejeon counted the yellow cars on the road and punched Taehyung every time he saw one, saying yellow cars automatically allowed free boxing.

"Hi", Taehyung said, already exhausted, when he entered the doctor's building and shook hands with the man. "Oh, aren't you with your Dad today?", the doctor asked Taejeon softly. He was his child doctor for years already so they knew each other quite well. "He's in coma", Taejeon said, turning his head away. "Oh-, right I heard. God, I'm sorry."
The doctor then introduced himself to Taehyung and the boy did the same. They sat Taejeon down on a chair and looked at his legs. He still couldn't feel them.

"I think it may psychological caused, it's rare but it happens", the doctor mumbled after a while. "How?", Taehyung asked. "Sometimes it's coming along with traumatic experience or depressive states of mind. It's hard to explain but if you're in a bad place mentally when accidents happen, it just happens that patients feel pain or feel nothing at all in places which aren't hurt at all."

"I'm fine though", Taejeon said immediately after. "I'm fine", he repeated, more to convince himself than the rest in the room.

"Taejeon, you know if there's anything you want to talk about, there's many people you can turn to y'know. Same goes for you, Taehyung. Things like what happened to Jungkook can have terrible aftermath on the ones who suffer from the loss. There are professionals who can help you find a way through all of that."

Taejeon got back into his wheelchair by himself and rolled out, "Fuck off", he said and then rolled over to the elevator so he could just get out of here.
Taehyung left behind and looking a little dumbfounded. "I-"
"He's not fine", the doctor hummed. "I know that kid. And he's changing. He's angry and it's not good if he keeps pretending he's fine when all he feels is anger."

"Tell me something I don't know", Taehyung sighed, "He refuses to open up to me", he added.

The doctor shrugged, "I'll check up on his legs in one week from now. Good luck with him", he hummed and patted Taehyung's shoulders. The boy nodded but didn't move at first, awkwardly looking down to the floor.

"Hey, about that thing-", he started slowly. "Could you maybe give me a number of a professional you'd recommend? I'm trying to get better, I'd like to give it a try."

The man nodded immediately and hurried to give Taehyung some prospects, numbers and recommended some to him. "It's good to ask for help, you shouldn't look down while asking for it. It takes a lot of courage to seek help if you need it. You're already getting better, are you seeing that?"

And Taehyung could swear he felt a little lighter after the doctor told him that. Maybe there was a way after all, a way to feel okay again someday. 

Even it would be without Jungkook. Maybe, in the end nothing really matters if it's not making you happy. And maybe, just maybe-, Taehyung had never set his priorities right. 

Time to start doing so. 

"Do I just go there and talk? Or how does this whole thing work-", Taehyung asked quietly, biting on his upper lip in anxiety. He still felt weird about this though, he never had been one to ask for help, not in anything. Not in first grade when they build a house out of paper sticks, not when he had his leg broken in fifth grade and a teacher wanted to help him get down the stairs and for sure as hell never when he felt sad and someone offered him to talk.

Not even Jungkook, he hadn't let the boy close in a long time and somehow he missed it. Jungkook somehow had always been he's safe place that made him feel okay again but even that got lost along the way. "You go there, if you're afraid maybe ask someone you trust to come along. And then you just talk and get to know each other. Doctors are humans too, we try to help but in some cases we just can't speak out a magic formula that brings back a person's happiness. But with lots of patience and effort from both sides, there's always a way, alright? Take my word on this."

Taehyung nodded, "So it's like having a diary?"
The doctor smiled, "Exactly. Just that it answers and gives you advice. Maybe a little guidance but most importantly a shoulder to lean on when you can't see another one in sight."

"Sounds like something useful", Taehyung hummed. "Jungkook used to go to a therapist too before he left Korea. And when I met him again, he seemed to be so much better than he had ever been before. I want this Jungkook back but maybe I have to be okay too or else I'll always drag him back down this frickin' hole."

The doctor agreed, "You're right and realising this is the first step into the right direction. Keep going, Taehyung."

The boy chuckled and took the papers then, "Thank you", he bowed politely and then went out of the small office to go and find Taejeon. The kid was already next to the car and waited for Taehyung to help him get in.

"What are those papers?", Taejeon snapped, looking at the stuff weirded out. "It's a list of numbers of psychologists and therapy", Taehyung replied and hovered the kid into the car, putting the wheelchair in the back.
"I literally told you guys I'm fine and I don't need help", Taejeon whined out.

"It's not for you, it's for me", Taehyung hummed and got onto the driver's seat.
"Alright. Give me Minho's address, let's get this over with."

Taejeon turned his head in confusion, eyes going wide. "You're seriously trying??", he asked in surprise. The older nodded, slowly but surely. "It's the least I can do, right?", Taehyung questioned back.

"If I try to get better and still lose Jungkook, I can at least tell myself that I did all I could and that it's not my fault."

"Right."

"And If I never try, I'll never know what might have happened." 

"Right."

***

would any of you read a yoonmin book by me cuz i think about publishing one but idk i dont want it to flop