lol i crashed my laptop so i gotta write on my phone for a while. please don't mind mistakes :'))))) i have barely time to proofread n stuff

***

10 years ago 

“I wanna go home-”, Lyza bit her already swollen lips as she got out of the bed, wiping over her lips to get the dry blood off it. “You’re not.” He turned around in bed, blanket still thrown above his naked body. “My fiance is waiting at home, Finn”, Lyza let her hair down which she had put up in a bun as she put her pants back on and powdered her nose. 

“You make yourself look as if you wouldn’t just had the best night of your life.”

“Well, it’d be like that sometimes”, Lyza sighed quietly.
“When’s the wedding again?”, Finn finally sat up and looked at Lyza properly, tilting her head. “It’s on Saturday.”

“You know what you’re going to say, right?”, the guy furrowed his brows and Lyza nodded, “I do.”

“I’m not sure..”
“You’re what?” 

“I’m not sure if I want to dump him. I’m in love with him, Finn, I’ve always been-”, Lyza pulled the zipper of her jacket up as she walked over to the door. “This thing with you-, that’s not it. I’m just trying to get rid of the feeling of being not enough. Y’know, if I keep sleeping with someone else while still loving him, maybe it’s the same for him. Maybe I’m still good enough, at least he’s marrying me, not Taehyung.”

“That’s so fucking stupid”, Finn laughed out as he got up from his bed and headed over to grab Lyza by her waist. “He’s a faggot, Lyz. You’re going to say no, embarrass him in front of everyone. That’s exactly what I want you to do.” 

“You’re not the one giving orders here.”

“Sounded differently in bed some minutes ago-”, Finn lifted his eyebrow and slapped her ass once, quite harshly which made the girl flinch in his arms. “I want you to get your hands off me now”, she rolled her eyes. “I thought this is not going to be anything but sex, why are you getting this possessive over me?”

“You know why, Lyz.”

“I’m not-, I’m not going to keep it. I’m not-”, she whispered as she pulled her wrist out of his grip and rushed out of the door. 

She ran downstairs, pulling her cap out to place it on her head as she rushed along the street to get home. It was around 4am and Jungkook was probably waiting for her like he always did recently. And Lyza couldn’t help but feel horrible, as she always did when she slept with Finn. 

The girl let out a single tear that fell off her cheek as she unlocked her front door to step inside. The lights were dimmed but they were still on in the living room, a body sitting on the sofa with his hands covering his face, sobbing quietly.

“Kook-, why are you still up?”, she asked worriedly as she sat down besides him, patting his back. “You weren’t home, I-”, he wiped his tears off. “I-, I was worried. But you’ve probably been fine.”

“I was”, Lyza nodded slightly, softly placing her hand on his shoulder. “Why are you crying?”

“You know why-”, he let out. “It’s not that easy losing your best friend.”

“There’s still a chance to back out, Kookie, it’s fine if you leave me. I’d understand.” She pulled her hand away and glanced at the floor in front of them, her hand softly rubbing her stomach. “I’m not leaving you and my son. A kid is worth so much more than a lover”, he leaned back and stared at the ceiling. “Is it though?”, Lyza asked quietly.

“Is it worth giving up what you love just to-, to have a kid?”

“We already have it, so it’s different, Lyzzie.”

“I was just saying”, she hummed, eyes filling with tears. “We can’t just give him away, I want to raise him. I want to be around. I want you to be around-”

“Well, do you?”, she asked quietly. “It doesn’t feel like it at all.”

“What else do you want me to do? I gave up everything I had to stay with you and Taejeon. I can’t do more than saying sorry over and over again.”
“I don’t know, Kook. I-”

“You’re cheating too, Lyz. Don’t act as if you’re being all loyal and innocent, I see the hickies and I see the times you get home, I know how you look after having sex. We had too. Just ‘cause I’m not saying a damn word doesn’t mean I don’t know.”
She nodded and smiled weakly. “If you don’t say it, it doesn’t seem real.”

“Right”, Jungkook hummed, thinking of how long he lived by that saying, not daring to tell Taehyung how he loved him. How his heart skipped beats just looking at him or how his tummy took turns with every time the older smiled at him. Jungkook always thought, if he just wouldn’t speak it out loud, it wouldn’t be real. They could just stay friends, he could keep his relationship and everything would be fine. It wasn’t though, nothing of this worked out the way he planned it to. What was left by now was nothing but a broken heart that couldn’t cope with pain, eyes that fell shut with every time someone made his heart ache. And with every single time it hurt like hell, he just learned to smile until it faded away.

There was nothing left after saying it out loud.
And with that he realised that some things are better left unspoken. 

*

“It’s your favorite food”, Taehyung hummed, placing the strawberries on Jungkook’s pancake then putting chocolate sauce all above it. “It was in kindergarden, Tae”, Jungkook hummed while staring out of the window, driven off in thoughts. “Then I want it”, Taejeon shrugged and took the plate from his father and started stuffing his mouth with the pancake.
They were sitting in a small coffee shop in which they had always sat when they were younger. “Kook, where’s your black nails?”, Taehyung asked after a while as he kept watching Jungkook sitting there, doing nothing.

“It’s gone. Doesn’t suit me”, Jungkook shrugged. “Bit too e-boyish.”

“What’s wrong about that?”

“I’m not that gay”, Jungkook snapped, “I also don’t like being put in a category. I’m just a normal 25 year old guy. Now drop it, Taehyung.”

“Oh shit he’s in a bad mood”, Taejeon rolled his eyes and kept stuffing his mouth with food. Meanwhile Taehyung couldn’t help but sigh. “I don’t like the sound of this.”

“Then stop listening”, Jungkook hummed, his voice sounding distanced and numbed.
“What are you so mad for?”, Taehyung grumbled, getting quite annoyed of Jungkook’s sudden behavior for no reason at all. 

“We just left her there”, he turned his head away, gritting his teeth. He couldn’t stop thinking of how frightened the girl looked, how she didn’t dare to speak up against this guy. “Well, you left me too”, Taehyung snapped. “Why is it so much worse if you have to leave her? She’s fine, she was with her boyfriend. He probably won’t kill her or anything, for fuck’s sake you’re being dramatic. She cried while having sex, so what. He went rough on her, she probably loved it. Lyza isn’t into softie sex. Goddamnit, Jungkook.”

“You must know, right?”, Jungkook hummed and got up from his chair, heading for the door. Taejeon scoffed and jumped up, grabbing his pancake and stuffing it in his mouth completely as he ran after his father. Taehyung just stayed back and shook his head, just the fact that Jungkook thought of her, it drove him crazy. It made him so angry that he wasn’t fully focused on him, as he never was. The older sighed to himself, then grabbed his phone and turned his locator on through which he was always able to find Jungkook’s location. He leaned back and watched Jungkook rushing along the street. 

-

“Dad-”, Taejeon squeaked, hurrying after him. “Wait my legs aren’t as long as yours”, he stumbled while running but he made it to catch up to his father who finally stopped. “Where are we going?”, the boy asked quietly.
“To my father’s house. We’ll have to pack his things so we can get the house on sale. I’m not going to stay here longer than necessary. I’m done with this.”

Taejeon nodded and grabbed his father’s hand while he waddled next to him, limping a bit after running. He still wasn’t that good at it and he hated himself for it, but no one ever cared to really get it treated with medication, so he was still unable to run or else he’d fall. But he tried not thinking of it too much so it would go away. Sometimes if you don’t think of something it, it doesn’t seem too real.

“He still hasn’t forgiven me”, Jungkook hummed. “I did everything I could, I broke up with Lyza, I left her. I didn’t do anything wrong in 5 years and he still hates me for leaving him here-, he could’ve come there y’know. It’s not that I was hiding or anything, he could’ve found me. If he would’ve wanted to.”

“Dad, stop. It’s not worth it.”
Taejeon sighed as they walked along the sidewalk, the clouds getting heavy and thick again. Probably because there was more snow to come, even though everything was already heavily covered in snow. “Yeah”, Jungkook agreed, letting out a deep breath. “Let’s go christmas shopping tomorrow. I’m sick of sitting around here and think about things I don’t want to think of.”
His son nodded, “We could ask Mom if she’s going to join us-” 

“No, Taehyung would get mad”, Jungkook hummed. “This time I’m not going to be the one doing mistakes. It’s on him if this gets ruined all over again.”

Taejeon nodded, not responding any further.
Around half an hour later they finally reached the small house at the other end of town, Taejeon was by now freezing and his lips blue thanks to the cold air hitting their faces. Jungkook lead him in and gave him a blanket to pull around his shoulders and then stopped for a bit to take a look. He hadn’t been here in ages, not since he was something like 16. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but as soon as Taejeon was born there simply was no time left. Days were spent with playing with the kid and struggling to get through college.

Questions like ‘Did you see your Dad on his birthday?’ or ‘Are you not going back to Busan for a while?’, he heard them all the time. But what everyone seemed to forget was that on his father’s birthday there usually happened to be important events for his son, the weekends were spent with studying and taking the kid out on the playground. Jungkook’s whole life revolved around Taejeon, maybe this wasn’t all right since he forgot to take care of his father.

But no one ever asked if he actually wanted to come here. Busan would always remind him of his parents, of how he lost his mother. It’d remind him of elementary school and how it broke him. The bullying through highschool, it all happened here. College brought him and his friends to Seoul, but it didn’t stop there since basically everyone in his grade went there.
Now being back here, it was just-, it didn’t feel right.

And most definitely it didn’t feel like home.

Others get homesick at college, go home on weekends or on days off. They want to spend their time with their parents, their old friends and their pets.

Well, Jungkook never had any of this. His mother passed away and his father changed with this, he wasn’t the same anymore. The old man just sat on his chair in the kitchen all day and looked through photo albums, reminding him of times when he himself was happy.
Jungkook hated those days, because he simply wasn’t happy during the time he grew up. 

Why would he want to go back to a place that made him feel sick?

Just as it did right now. 

Everyone always yelled at him for not seeing his father enough, for not being home enough. But no one ever asked for the reasons why. Sure, Taejeon was a big reason for this. Having no friends and nothing to come home to was the other one. No one ever seemed to notice that.

And now? Here he was, looking through the same old photo albums that were still laying on the kitchen table, tears falling off his eyes as he saw his mother and his father smiling, holding hands. They seemed happy-, careless. As if everything would be alright. 

At that time it was-, because Jungkook wasn’t born. The whole trouble came along with a kid that didn’t fit in.
“Dad, are you okay?”, Taejeon asked, sitting down next to his father. “Do you ever think you ruined my life?”, Jungkook asked in all honesty as he wiped his tears away and took a look at his son. Probably not the right question to ask a kid, but Taejeon was smart. He knew things other kids didn’t know at his age.

“Well, I kinda did”, Taejeon chuckled. “But I made it ten times better too-”

Jungkook smiled softly and ruffled his hair, “You did”, he hummed as he leaned over and kissed the boy’s cheek. “It’s not my fault things went bad for you, y’know”, Taejeon hummed softly as he looked at the pictures Jungkook had left open on the table. “And neither did you do anything wrong with your parents. We kids we just happen to be there some time and it’s a common thing that you parents stop thinking about yourself when you have us. It’s cool because we are more important anyways. You think you will make everything better than your own parents did, then you get caught up in it, blame yourself and get sad. But for us you still are the best parents ever. It’s sad”, Taejeon hummed, snatched the album and started looking through it.

“Dad is that a hickey.”

His eyes widened as he looked at a picture which was showing his grandma, smiling widely in a field of flowers with her husband holding her by her waist, showing off her neck. “Oh damn-”, Jungkook’s eyes widened. “They had a better relationship than my parents!”, Taejeon covered his eyes. “Ew did grandma and grandma have sex too?” 

“Of course they did- Otherwise I wouldn’t be here”, Jungkook grinned. “Ew. Gross. Good that you and Mom never did gross things because you didn’t like Mom.”

“That’s not even true”, Jungkook rolled his eyes, “I gave her hickeys all the time, I took her out on dates and we had lots of sex--”

“Ew.”

“Well, it’s true. There was a time we were really happy”, Jungkook sighed, leaning back in his chair as his thoughts drifted off to how times were after they got together in the first place, after they found out she’s pregnant.
“What changed?”, Taejeon asked quietly.

“I don’t want to talk about it”, Jungkook mumbled, gulping dryly.

“No, tell me.”

Jungkook scoffed, but then inhaled deeply and started talking. “I don’t know, Taehyung happened. I just felt so many things when I was with him and they faded away when I was with your Mom. She became boring in so many ways, I rather spent all my time with Tae. I can’t explain it, Taejeon. It’s not like I didn’t try to like her-”

“You liked Mom but you liked Taehyungie more?”

Jungkook shrugged, “I denied it for a long time, but at some point we were on a party, ended up fighting and-, yeah. I should’ve stayed home that night”, he sighed quietly.

“So you-, you regret it to be with Taehyungie?”

“I wouldn’t call it regret, y’know. But if I could go back to the day I went home with him, I would turn and go the other way”, Jungkook smiled sadly. 

“Why? You always sounded like Taehyung brought you so much happiness..”

“He did, he really did”, Jungkook smiled. “But usually the person that brings you the most happiness, is also the one who brings the most pain”, he wiped another tear away that fell off his dark lashes as he remembered that one night where they ended up in a pool. After he threw a cocktail at Mia for calling out that he was in love with Taehyung.

How right she was at that time.
And how stubborn Jungkook was not to admit it to himself. 

-

The door unlocked a couple of minutes later and Taehyung walked in, snuggled in his huge winter jacket that kept him warm outside. "What are you doing here?", he asked as he walked over to Jungkook, glimpsing at the photo albums. "I'm packing Dad's stuff to get this house sold."

"You want to sell it?"

"What else would I do with it?", Jungkook asked quietly, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Taehyung however didn't say anything further, he just sat down at the table, staring at Jungkook. 

"How do you even knew I'm here?", Kook then questioned. "You told me-", Taehyung hummed.

"I didn't." 

"Snapchat Maps-", Taehyung gulped dryly.

"I blocked you on Snapchat, you can't find out my location with that-", Jungkook grinned. "Did you track my phone?"

"You blocked me on Snapchat you asshole?"

"I did 5 years ago, I'm surprised you never noticed-"

"I never used it. Only to look at your nudes-", Taehyung blushed a bit when he said that which made Jungkook chuckle lightly. "I was good at taking them-"

"Hell yeah." Taehyung reached for Jungkook's hand, squeezing it softly. "Hey, look I'm sorry for earlier." 

"Let's forget about it-", Jungkook smiled weakly and squeezed his hand back. 

Taejeon got up and walked away wordlessly.

"Is he alright?", Taehyung asked worriedly, looking after the kid who was already on Facetime to call Lili. 

"He's always alright", Jungkook joked, even though it was more than true. Taejeon was always happy, always seeming so fine with everything. Jungkook really admired him for being like that, he could never.

"I love you, Kook", Taehyung hummed, getting up from his chair to get behind Jungkook. He placed his hands on the boy's shoulders, massaging them slowly. "And I was thinking. What if we move in here? We'd have a house and a garden all to us. We could get a dog a-and-"

"Taehyung."

"And we could decorate it like our sweet little home, you could put fairylights up everywhere, I know you love them. We could get a big bed and tons of pillows and spend the rest of our lives together a-and-"

"Taehyung I don't want to stay here." 

"And nothing could ever break us apart again. Maybe we could get a second child a-and and marry. And-"

Jungkook sighed and put on a smile, "We could do that, yeah." He turned his head away and looked at the kitchen. Every inch of this house reminded him of his childhood. Of his parents still alive and breathing, of the countless days he spent on the kitchen floor crying because he didn't want to go to school. Yet no one ever did something to change it. 

"Really?", Taehyung's eyes lightened up. 

Jungkook nodded absentmindedly, tears filling up the boy's doey eyes. 

"Oh it will be perfect, Baby!", Taehyung cheered, pressing a kiss onto Jungkook's head. "It will", Jungkook replied with a sad smile, turning his head so he could pout a little and reach for a kiss which Taehyung happily gave him. 

Jungkook's heart didn't skip a beat. 

The boy let go of Taehyung. "I still need to pack his stuff though."

"Yes, you do that. I've got stuff to do, I'll be home later, honey", Taehyung pressed another kiss to Jungkook's lips. "What are you going to do?", Kook asked curiously.

"Going out. I can take Taejeon with me", he offered and Jungkook nodded softly. 

Taehyung smiled and grabbed his stuff, told Taejeon to come downstairs and then left the house without saying anything further.

Jungkook only realised that Taehyung took his keys when the older locked the door from outside and left off. 

Trapped. 

***