Chapter Eighteen

I think kissing is an addiction.

      The way the others person’s lips fit perfectly with yours; like puzzle pieces that don’t have to be forced together. That sweet taste you can’t get enough of. The tingles it sends through your entire body. The way the heat rises to your cheeks, and your heart starts to race. That incredible adrenalin rush that courses through your veins. And after, that amazing realization of what you’ve just done. It’s addicting.

      I used to be hooked to it. Almost every boy I met, we would somehow or another end up kissing. I liked it. Was it slutty of me? Absolutely. Have I been told on multiple occasions that I’m a fan-freaking-tastic kisser? Yes, yes I have. Do I love kissing? Yes, yes I do. But I only like kissing; anything further creeps me out. I’m young, so taking it to the next step has never been my top priority. I just had the need, the desire, the want- to kiss.

      Now, an alcoholic is forever an alcoholic, no matter what. Whether they’ve gone through the steps of recovery and are sober, they will eternally be an alcoholic. Same with me; though I’ve learned not to kiss everything with lips, I will always deep down inside be that kissing addicted 7th grader. It’s a past that you’ll always have, and can’t run away from.

      Like any normal addiction, you need to know when to say no. Whether it’s not drinking that last beer, not smoking your fifth pack, not betting in that last game- you need to know how to say, “I’m done.” You have to have the self-control to fold your cards, and walk away proud. So, like any good recovery patient, the word “No” is still something I’m learning. And believe me, those two letters are a whole lot harder to spill out of your mouth than you think.

      But what really helps, when you’re put in those tough spots when the word no seems impossible to say, is reminding yourself of all the progress you’ve made. You’ve gone all this way, and there’s no turning back now. You need to know that folding is your best option, and you can’t go back to being that same person. That was my decision in this moment. I could walk away, or give in.

      I took a deep breath, as our pounding hearts matched rhythms. In… and out… Chase waited calmly for an answer. You can do this Jules. If I looked up, I would see his flawlessly natural, pink lips about ready to rape mine, and cave in.

      “No,” I finally sighed, turning my head in an attempt to wiggle away from him.

      “No?” he repeated, drawing his arms closer around my back.

      “I’m sorry Chase, I-I can’t.”

      “Why not?” He loosened his hold on me.

      “I’m not going back to being that girl again. I can’t.” As I said those words, memories of all the situations I had been in flooded my mind. I can’t believe I was that girl...

      “Shh… it’s okay. Chill Jules, it’ll be all right. You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to,” he said, soothingly rubbing my back. His free hand moved up to my face, and lightly brushed away a small water droplet that had formed underneath my eye. Shit. I was crying. Not only was I crying, but I was crying in front of Chase Ryan. This is not good. I don’t cry; it’s a waste of water. In… and out… Pull it together Jules. Inhale… Exhale…

      “Chase,” I said.

      “Yeah?” he said, still clasping me freely in his arms.

      “Do you remember what I told you on my first day back?”

      “Not off hand.”

      “I told you to not touch me. So please,” I calmly pushed him back using little force, “don’t touch me.”

      “Or what?”

      “Or I’ll kill you,” I said, smiling as I regained my normal confidence.

      “Jules, I’ve heard that expression from you a lot, but I’m just curious, how are you planning on killing me?” he mused.

      “Well, to start, I’d probably shoot you in your sleep,” I said, as my smile wided.

      “With what gun?”

      “‘With what gun?’ Ha! Cute Chase. No but seriously, my dad has one in the basement,” I said.

      “What type?”

      “One of the smaller ones? I don’t know what it’s called.”

      “Right… well Jules, you really are one hell of a good actress,” he said, as I got up off the navy blue carpeted floor.

      “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, sensing what he was hinting at.

      “I’m fully aware that you want me, and I understand it; I do. Most girls want me, so I guess you’re no different…” Oh he did not just say that!

      “Heh. Funny. I think we both know neither of those statements are true. I don’t ‘want’ you, and I’m nothing close to being like every other girl!”

      “Right. Of course. I mean, if that’s what you’re claiming,” he smirked, knowing I wasn’t planning on backing down.

       “Jules?” a familiar voice called from somewhere beyond.

      “YEAH!” I yelled, taking a few steps, and opening the door for him.

      “Hey, we’re leaving now,” Adam said.

      “Oh. You sure you don’t want to stay any longer?” Chase asked.

      “No. We’re going,” Adam answered for both of us.

      “Okay. Bye Jules,” Chase said, as I retreated from the room with Adam’s hand tugging at my sleeve.

      “Yeah whatever,” I called back.

      “Why were you in a room alone with that kid? Did he try anything? Did you try anything? Are you okay?” he asked, alarmed, as we walked down a hallway.

      “No. Chill. I’ll tell you in the car,” I said, rolling my eyes.

      “Fine.” We stopped in what looked to be the kitchen, where Talia was eating a watermelon.

      “Hey,” she said, nodding to us, as she took another bite from the pink fruit that lay in front of her.

      “I am so proud to call you my girlfriend,” Adam laughed, walking up to her, and kissing her on the cheek for what felt like an eternity.

      “Can we go now?” I asked, annoyed.

      “Yeah, yeah, hold on,” he said, as his mouth moved positions, and was now on top of Talia’s. EW! THAT’S SO GROSS! I turned my head away, so I wouldn’t have to suffer nightmares of that disturbing image. Adam kissing. Nasty!

      “I’m leaving!” I said, running out of the house to his car. I got in, and buckled up, ready to go. I sat there for a minute, no Adam. Two minutes, no Adam. Five minutes, no Adam. Seven minutes, no Adam. Ten minutes, no Adam. TWELVE minutes, NO ADAM! What the hell were they doing? I didn’t even want to know. I took my phone out and quickly sent him a text: get ur a$$ in the car NOW!!!!!!

      “Yo! I’m here!” Adam said, startling me as he entered the car.

      “You scared me, idiot!” I complained.

      “Oh no!” he said in mock sincerity.

      “Shut up. Let’s just go home,” I grumbled.

      “Yeah, okay. So I heard you were in detention today, want to tell me about it?”

      “Not really.”

      “Jules what happened?” he prodded.

      “Nothing.”

      “Jules…” He started up the car, and drove off. I gripped the armrest beside me to steady myself as he zipped down the street going a good 65 mph in a 15 mph zone. God Adam, how did you even pass your driver’s test?

      “Chase almost kissed me,” I spilled, still very conflicted with the outcome of the situation.

      “Almost?” he questioned.

      “I said no.”

      “Good for you.”

      “It was hard.”

      “What was so hard about it? It’s Chase, he’s nothing special.”

      “Adam, if you only knew…” I sighed, thinking about one of the many encounters in middle school I had had with him. Chase Ryan… Wow. What a difference.

      “You sure you’re okay?” he asked.

      “Yeah, fine,” I said. I fished around in my pocket for my phone and earphones. After finding them, I unraveled the white wires, and plugged them into my ears. Shaking my phone to put it on shuffle, the first song to come up was Just Can’t Get Enough, by The Black Eyed Peas. Ah yes; the wonderful irony of life! I closed my eyes, wanting to shut off the world, and drifted into, what I assumed to be, a peaceful sleep.

I woke up abruptly, disordered, and dazed. I wasn’t in the car, my headphones weren’t in my ears, where was I? I gradually opened my eyes, to find myself in what looked to be the middle of an earthquake… aka- my room. I was home. Adam must’ve carried me in or something. Aw! What a sweet brother! I’ll have to rub that fact in his face later on when I was fully conscious of my surroundings.

      “Hey Julesy, glad you finally woke up. It was taking all my power to not violently push you onto the floor,” someone said, causing me to jolt up. I looked up to see Trent just sitting at my desk chair.

      “What the hell TJ! Why are you in my room? Why’re you in my house? Get out!” I yelled, very alarmed.

      “Chill Julesy. Adam let me, I just wanted to hang with you,” he said, as I started to calm down from my initial shock.

      “Uh huh. Please leave.”

      “Why?”

      “Because I don’t feel well.” I was tired, which in some aspect did qualify as not feeling well.

      “Aw! Do you have a booboo?”

      “No…”

      “Are you sure? Because if you want I can kiss it; I’m sure it’d feel all better,” he said, walking over to my bed where I resided.

      “Trent, shut up,” I said, throwing a pillow at him.

      “Jules, I think you cut your lip,” he said, throwing it right back at me.

      “What?!” I reached for my lip in panic.

      “Here, I’ll make it all better,” he said, lightly touching my lip, and leaning forward. Damn it. I’m so stupid. If I were a blonde I would fall under the dumb category [A/N: NO offense to blondes intended!]. Jules, why can’t you think sometimes?

      “No Trent. I can’t. I’m not kissing you tonight,” I said, forcefully pulling away.

      “Julesy! Come on! Just a little kiss! Please? For me?”

      “No. Trent, I was already in this spot earlier today. I can’t do this!”

      “You were already in this spot earlier today? With who? Where? When?” he asked. Jules why can’t you just keep your big mouth shut sometimes?

      “Never mind. Trent leave. Please!”

      “Was it with Chase?” he continued.

      “ADAM!” I yelled.

      “WHAT?” he shouted back.

      “TELL TRENT TO LEAVE!” I whined. I was tired, I had had a rough-ish day, and all I wanted to do was just go back to sleep! I didn’t want to deal with Trent; I didn’t want to kiss anyone! I just wanted to sleep… or wake up; assuming this is all just a vivid nightmare. Yeah, let’s go with that- it’s all dream! I can live with that.

      “Jules! Come on! You know you don’t want me to leave!” Trent moaned, very really flicking my foot. So maybe this wasn’t all a dream...

      “Ow!” I yelped.

      “What’s going on in here?” Adam asked.

      “Trent’s being mean!” I accused, pointing at him.

      “Oh. That’s all?” I nodded.

      “Jules is also making me feel unwelcome!” Trent said.

      “Damn right I am. Please leave me alone!” I said.

      “Jules, seriously what’s up?” Adam asked.

      “I’m tired. Just leave me alone! Both of you! I have homework or something to do!” I said, pushing Trent over to where Adam was standing.

      “If I’m reading the situation correctly, I think she may want us to leave. Now that’s just a thought,” Trent said, backing away.

      “I think you may be right. So while we’d love to stay and chat, Jules, we really must be off,” Adam said, leaving with Trent by his side. Good. I went over to the door, and locked it. Now I have a very important decision to make: homework, or sleep. Hmmm… Like there’s even a competition! I spirited back to my bed, and collapsed, too weak to move another muscle.

      Sometimes, being me is hard work. No. I can’t think that. If I’m trying to “be me”, then I’m not actually being me. Being yourself is supposed to be effortless, easy, and requiring no thought. When you have to put effort into being “yourself” that’s when you know you’re fake. But to be honest, finding that place where you’re just playing yourself, is one of the hardest roles fill. If anyone should know, it’d be me.