Chuuya didn't age up until a full week later, and while watching the Chibi, shenanigans ensued. Dazai could successfully say that he never wanted a child. Ever.

Kouyou didn't linger for too long, speaking with Kunikida in hushed tones, probably giving him harsh instructions by the way he was nodding along.

Apparently the bags were little Chuuya's supplies, when Dazai took a peek into one of them he saw multiple onesies. Perfect, he would choose the cheesy teal one to dress him with for his first 'embarrassing the Chibi photo shoot.'

Dazai stayed sitting at the couch, attempting to get the confused toddler to roll around like the little dog he was until the two returned.

Kouyou knelt down to one knee, a sad look in her eyes as she held her arms out. Chuuya brightened instantly, jumping into her arms so she could embrace him. After a minute she pulled away, smiling fondly down at him.

"I'll be gone for a little while, but these people are going to be watching you."

A frown stretched over little Chuuya's face "leave me?"

Kouyou brushed a strand of red hair from his face "I'm going somewhere you can't go, so I need you to be good for them."

Chuuya's bottom lip wobbled, but he nodded anyway.

Kouyou chuckled, kissing his forehead before returning to her feet. "Good, I will return to you later."

Dazai could sniff out the lie, but whatever made the Chibi less whiny, he wasn't complaining.

As soon as Kouyou made her grand escape, away from the vile charms of the little Chibi, tears welled up in his light eyes, spilling down his cheeks.

"No no no" Dazai took Kouyou's place, trying to wipe the tears away. "None of that, we can't have you with red eyes we have a photoshoot later-"

Chuuya sniffled before crying out for Kouyou so loudly that there was no doubt the whole block heard.

Dazai wanted to cry too.

Dazai tried and failed to shush the child before a headache could attack him (It may be too late for that.) but it was all in vain, because when Dazai tried to make a funny face, Chuuya only cried harder, his face becoming flushed and tear streaked.

The other agency members started to collect in front of the office door, curiously eyeing the situation. Yosano pushed past the crowd, grinding her teeth as she stomped into the room. "Is Dazai crying again-"

She stopped in her tracks, slowly putting her accusing hand down when she noticed the child. "You have a lot to explain."

Dazai was too busy poking at the Chibi's cheeks to respond to the agency's doctor.

Kunikida seemed to have finally snapped, grumbling as he pushed Dazai out of the way to replace him.

Dazai whined from the ground but only watched as Kunikida adjusted his glasses before pulling out his notebook. Chuuya's tears halted briefly, a few stray sniffles escaping as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"What's your favorite animal?" Kunikida asked, looking up from his notebook briefly to read the child's expression.

Chuuya hiccuped, but when Kunikida nodded in encouragement he spoke. "A-a sheep?"

Dazai wanted to laugh, he really did, but since he was such a nice person he held it in. Well, mostly because he didn't want to miss that wondrous joy that filled little Chibi's eyes as a plush sheep was produced from the notebook with a bright flash.

The sheep was placed in his open arms as he nuzzled his face into it.

Totally not cute. Not cute at all.

Kunikida's notebook wasn't too big, meaning that the plush wasn't the largest, but Chuuya was tiny so it was the perfect size for him.

Kunikida sighed before getting back to his feet "try giving him a pacifier, he may like it."

"Awww Kunikida is so good with children~" Dazai said, face deep into the many bags Kouyou had bought with her in search of a pacifier.

"Yes but don't count on my help forever, this is your assignment. To watch a child you cannot act like one." Kunikida sent an accusing look over his shoulder before exiting the room. The agency still watched with expectant eyebrows raised.

"Uhhh" Dazai reached out to shove the pacifier into the toddler's mouth, Chuuya squealing in surprise. Dazai held up the child "this is little Chuuya, full time baby mafioso and child executive of the port mafia."

Chuuya bobbed his head up and down, not really knowing what was going on but happy that he got his sheep.

"...I'm sure I'm going to ask what everyone is thinking here, but how-"

"An ability" Dazai answered Yosano, looking down to little Chuuya and holding out a hand. "Come on."

Chuuya didn't even bat an eye when he grabbed Dazai's one hand with both of his, letting Dazai navigate them out of the small office.

"I will be watching him because I'm responsible, of course. And I'm the only one who won't give in to his Chibi charms."

Chuuya tugged on his pant leg, making 'up' motions with his hands. Dazai instantly bent down to pick him up. "Up?"

"Doesn't look that way to me." Yosano grumbled, Kunikida nodding in agreement.

Ugh, salt lords.

From his desk where he didn't get up, Ranpo smirked. "He's got you wrapped around his finger."

Dazai made sure to hold the Chibi far away from him like the germ he was, emphasizing his point. "I would never allow for that to happen."

"Sure."

Dazai hated it here.

Before he could say anything else, Chuuya yawned loudly from his arms. Dazai slightly tilted his head down to see Chuuya rubbing his eyes. Was he tired?
It made sense, Dazai was pretty sure that they interrupted his nap earlier.

That was fine, Dazai would feed him later. What did toddlers eat anyways? He guessed that dog food couldn't hurt with his already stunted development too much.

Chuuya thankfully didn't whine when Dazai set him down on the agency couch where he usually lounged, snuggling into the cushions with his sheep.

"Dazai you idiot" Kunikida chided in a low tone as to not wake Chuuya. "Put a blanket over him so he doesn't catch a cold."

"Fine fine" Dazai grumbled, digging through one of the multiple bags for the soft looking baby blue blanket with paw prints decorating it. The blanket that Dazai had gifted Chuuya as a gag gift for his sixteenth birthday, saying 'you're my sheepdog and now you have a blanket to prove it.'

Dazai didn't know that Chuuya kept it.

Dazai shook the strange feeling away, draping the blanket over Chuuya until just his head was visible.

He wasn't cute, he wasn't at all. It was a very ugly sight.

Dazai forced himself to tear his gaze away, sitting on the other end of the couch and slipping his headphones on. At least now he had an excuse to not do any paperwork, as long as he pointedly ignored Kunikida's glare then all would be good and peaceful.

Well, apparently not.

The silence was shattered when Atsushi, Kyouka, and Kenji returned from their mission. (It wasn't really a mission, more of the gathering of information.)

"Hey guys! I got some snacks-" Atsushi practically shivered at the heads that turned to face him, all making a shushing gesture. "Uhmmm" he said in a considerably lower tone "what's going on?"

Kunikida pointed to the couch, and when Atsushi went to set the grocery bags down on Dazai's vacant desk, he saw the reason.

There was a small child sleeping on the couch, stuffed animal clutched in hand and a thumb in his mouth, replacing the pacifier that had fallen on the floor. Dazai sat next to him, finally noticing Atsushi's appearance. He slid off the headphones "oh hi Atsushi!"

Atsushi quickly shushed him, Dazai made an 'O' shape with his mouth. "I forgot that the Chibi was here, his presence is so small that I need a magnifying glass."

"Are you seriously making fun of a child?" Atsushi raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

"This isn't just any child" Dazai resisted the urge to poke the napping kid. "This is the Chibi."

Atsushi's eyes were blank as he stared down at the kid before he finally realized "oh, that nice port mafia executive?"

Dazai scoffed "nice?"

Atsushi ignored the comment "how could that have happened?"

As soon as Kyouka and Kenji entered the room, their own grocery bags in hand, Kyouka took one look at the child before continuing on her way. Kenji was the opposite, eyes lighting up as he ran to crouch in front of the couch and stare at him.

"You're telling me that this is the wall walking man?"

Dazai snorted "the what-"

"Fancy hat man" Ranpo clarified from his desk as if it acually helped. Before Dazai could say that he was the only one who could have nicknames for the Chibi, Ranpo poked his head from the snack cabinet. "So, if you're gonna watch him, where will you keep him?"

Dazai's face morphed into one of plotting "certainly not my place, I say that we can all agree that my apartment is not a fit place to raise a child... which is why I will be using Chuuya's own place! And his bank account while I'm at it."

Kunikida didn't even have to strength to defend Chuuya anymore.

Good luck child comrade.

———-

The chibis place was, as expected, spotless. There was not a visible mess anywhere to be seen. His apartment was more of a penthouse, especially how large it was compared to Dazai.

Dazai thought it was a fair trade, if he was going to take care of the slug than at least he would get to snoop around his house and perhaps let the child do a finger painting on the enterance wall.

Dazai didn't feel like bending down to pick the lock, so instead he hooked his hands under Chuuya's armpits and hovered him above the retina scanner.

Chuuya squealed when the scanner flashed over his eye, the giggled when the lock clicked open.

Dazai nodded, patting his orange locks "good job, chibi."

That goofy smile on his face only grew. Did he always have dimples?

"Welcome to my house," Dazai set the child to the wooden floor, letting him walk around, little feet making pitter-patter noises. When Chuuya had woken up from his nap, he was alredy strapped to the passenger seat of the car.

Dazai complained about forgetting his spare car seat at the chibis house, since he was as kind as to let the short Chuuya use them when riding his hot pink motorcycle.

(It was hot pink, not red. Obviously.)

Dazai threw the bags down to the floor with a huff, dragging himself to the large kitchen. Seriously, he had never seen some of those cooking supplies before.

Then he realized that he had no idea what children ate. Did they eat that mushy baby food? Or maybe Dazai could just hand him a microwave dinner and make him cook it, if Chuuya could reach the microwave, that is. (He couldn't.)

As if summoned, Chuuya poked his head into the doorway.

Well, he might as well ask him himself. "Chibi what do you eat- ... what do you have in your arms there?"

Dazai quirked an eyebrow, instead of his plushie, Chuuya held an orange colored cat in his arms. It dangled limply, looking relaxed. "Kitty!"

"I see that... so Chuuya has a cat?" He mused to himself. "Oh! Does the Chibi want some cat food?"

Chuuya nodded vigorously.

Okay... Dazai wasn't that mean. Instead of shoving Chuuya to wherever the litter box was kept and making him eat out of a cat bowl, he hefted him onto the counter and shoved a macaroni cup he had found in the very back of the pantry into the microwave.

(Chuuya must have babysat Elise, if she was the same as when Dazai was in the port mafia, then he knew that she had a weird obsession with macaroni cups.)

"Okay Chuuya" he addressed the toddler, who was focused on kicking his tiny feet against the wooden cupboard under him. Dazai took the macaroni cup from the microwave, blowing on it lightly. "Are you hungry?"

Chuuya furrowed his eyebrows, but did nothing else.

Dazai reached his hand out to pinch the others cheek between his fingers "are you not hungry? But Chuuya is so tiny, does he ever want to grow taller than an ant?"

That seemed to do the trick as the boys eye makeup shone with determination, nodding and reaching for the food.

Dazai made the mistake of actually handing it off to him, because the cup immediately dropped to the floor. Dazai managed to catch it, shooting the toddler a dirty look "can you hold it?"

Chuuya only looked down at him innocently "hot."

We're toddlers just hypersensitive? Dazai sighed, straightening himself out before collecting macaroni with the fork and holding it out to Chuuya's mouth.

Well now the toddler didn't seem to have a problem eating, leaning forwards to close his mouth around the fork.

Dazai grumbled but continued to feed him until he was full. He couldn't believe he was actually feeding a kid, he hated kids.

He couldn't believe he was feeding Chuuya. He hated Chuuya.

The only time they have done this before was when Chuuya was much older and it was post corruption, he had been too exhausted to move a finger and they weren't at a hospital for any nurses to do it for him.

Then two little hands mirrored what Dazai had done earlier and pinched his cheeks. Though it was less of a pinch and more of a slap.

Dazai jolted "hey! Chibi we don't hit!"

Chuuya only giggled like the devious little devil he was.

"All right, fine. You get the timeout corner, where does Chuuya keep his dog house?"

Chuuya's laughter turned into cries as Dazai dragged him from the counter to tickle him.